I am sitting here writing and I don't even know where to begin. We have a 3 1/2 year old and a 2 year old. We love them to death. They are our world just like any other parent. But he and I just don't get one another. We are so very different. We could have used a counselling session pre-kids but instead we were graced with 2 amazing children that we both love so dearly. He's a wonderful father - he really is - we have conflicts (some of our best fights) with regards to discipline but he loves them and means well. I just want to know when did you know? When did you realize it was done and you were finished. I sometimes feel like we are putting off the inevitable. I don't want that to be like my parents who stuck it out until all us kids were adults then split. I would like to try counselling but he's not interested. Right now at this very moment he's gone "out" which isn't the least bit unusual for him (he's supposed to be with the boys tomorrow while I finish up school) - he goes out downtown on a regular basis with his "buddies." come home at 3 am blah blah blah. I just feel like i'm so over all this....I alway wanted to have a family and I feel like this family is so divided - him and the boys and then me and the boys. I really could go on and on and on but I'm trying to keep this short and sweet. My gut often speaks to me but I feel like I keep shooooing her away...
Talk to me about when you just "knew"
I knew over a year ago. I just didn't throw in the towel due to wanting to give it my all. I needed to be able to look at my kids and my parents and everyone else and say that i honestly tried it all. When he did leave I was a mess (mostly logistics) for the first week. By week 3 i was so relieved. I have never felt more free and healthy. I just feel like i am too old for the BS. Good luck in your decision.
When he did something really threateningly violent (without making contact with a person). I said, "I thought you weren't going to do things like that anymore" and he replied, "I never said that."
It takes awhile for me to get there. That got me there.
I thought I knew when I realized I was avoiding bed every night for over a year because I could not stand to be with him. I thought I knew when I started thinking about things a few years out and he wasn't part of my fantasies. I thought I knew when he threw something at me when the kids were in the next room...but I after those and many more things, I still gave him another 1081 (give or take :)) chances. Then circumstances caused us to be separate for a few weeks, and I realized waking up without tension, fear, pressure, etc. was GOOD....and that the kids deserved me to be happy and not to grow up in a toxic environment.
It is difficult. But it is right....
Mom to two terrific kiddos, affirming every day that the Universe is unfolding as it should and all is well...
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