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#1 of 3 Old 06-12-2011, 06:33 PM - Thread Starter
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I need opinions and thoughts on this situation-


STBX and I have been split since December- things were crappy a whole year or so before that really and long story short we moved 2 hours away from our home town last April b/c he had just lost another job and a job opened up for me in this new town so I took it WITH his approval. he claims he never wanted to move which he made quite clear about a month into our new location. He bitched constantly and was a general downer. He blamed me for his sorrow b/c I had taken this new job that made us have to move. Let me just make clear we had not other option- there were no jobs he could get in our old town b/c he had just been fired for alcohol related reasons and it's a small town/region. I could also not find a decent job in that area b/c I am a landscaper by trade (went to college for it) and the area we came from is poor and has no call for landscaping-

anyway things got worse for us then ever through that whole summer and he was very unsupportive and mean and also kept taking jobs and quitting them for lazy reasons. I got to the point that I would get so mad I'd say mean things back- "I hate you" and "I want a divorce" not proud that I got to that level but keep in mind I was just so mad and disappointed that this "man" I had thought was so awesome at first turned out to be unsupportive, selfish and boyish about having to support a family!

In december just before we split he lost another job b/c he told them he wanted to try and clean up and get sober- oh yeah, he's an alcoholic too :/ still not sure I have the whole story on that though b/c I am finding out here and there he has been lying/keeping things from me about different things having to do with drinking over the years. anyway he got some anxiety meds tried to dry up and failed found a different job- worked one day- went in the next told them he was taking meds- they told him to go home for the day b/c he couldnt work while on the meds- he didn't go home but instead drove the 2 hours to our home town to his parents house, called me while I was at work and told me he was there and going to look for a job b/c he just couldnt live away from home anymore. That was the last straw for me and I told him he could just stay with his parents and get his crap together.

so he has been living with his brother since then, working for the same company just in that town instead and has had 2 episodes where he blacked out (not drunk blackout just panick attacks I guess) and had to be taken to the ER. He is on meds again for anxiety, still drinking and now says he is in therapy and the doctors have told him that my "domestic violence" towards him during our marriage is one part causing his mental issues... he says he tells them the truth about me and they tell him it is part my fault.

tonight we argued about this and I came back with the argument that it was nothing I wanted to feel towards him or say for that matter- I didnt hate him, I dont hate him but that I was just so mad and frustrated with him that it would just come out. I told him he may have not said those words to me but he certainly made me feel pretty darn bad about myself a lot of the time and was completely unsupportive of me. He did call me the "C"- word more than once and other nasty things, made me cry almost twice a week, but he is claiming that I was worse. He says I left him when he needed me the most- during his "dryin out time" which is crap b/c I have been dealing with his drinking for as long as we have been together and on him constantly about getting dried out and quitting for his kids (I know this is a genetic problem for him and we have a son together-I am terrified for my son and think if STBX could break the cycle there could be real hope that my sweet boy will not fall victim to this disease :(

ok sorry this is long but i need opinion and help- can he use this "domestic violence" thing against me!! I'm afraid he will and he's so unpredictable and I don't know what he might try and pull just to "get back at me" for leaving him. He talks all the time about wanting me back- I dont know why when he acts like this towards me- I think he's just possesive and hates the idea of not having what's "his"

HELP I am going to court and DHHS this week to get things rolling with officer inforced child support and divorce papers but I'm worried about this whole therapy thing now. What if he brings up me yelling at the kids? (Yes I do but only the normal amount that parents tend to raise their voice!)  Courts are so sketchy and weird these days I am terrified I could loose my kids!

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#2 of 3 Old 06-12-2011, 06:57 PM
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What do you mean by domestic violence? Have you been physically violent towards him? Unless you have a conviction for assault against him, I think he's talking out of his rear and trying to scare you with empty threats. It's also super common for guys who are actually abusive themselves (verbally or physically) to try to turn around and accuse their partners of being abusive. It's also super common for them to come home from therapy saying things like, "My therapist says it's all your fault," or "My therapist says I'm not abusive" but when you actually talk to the therapist, that's not what they said at all. 

As far as the "partly your fault" thing...sure, in any relationship, nobody is perfect. And maybe at some point down the road, you might want to look at how you acted through the relationship, and how you would want to act in future relationships. But if you're dealing with a mean (or even abusive) drunk, there's truly no good way to act. There's nothing you can do or say to make the relationship healthy. Honestly, this guy sounds like a deadweight in your life and it sounds like you'll be better off and happier without him.

I don't know if you've done this already, but I would really recommend checking out an al-anon meeting. I'm sorry you're going through all this, but I really think you're doing the right thing. Mean drunks don't magically get better. And of course, get a lawyer. It costs money but it's worth it. You're going to need to be working to protect yourself and your baby. Your STBX is certainly not going to step up and do the right thing on his own -- he sounds like the type of guy who will make things as difficult as possible. A lawyer will also be able to see through his ridiculous and empty threats, which he's using to try to scare, control and manipulate you.

Good luck.

Jen, journalist, policy wonk, and formerly a proud single mama to my sweet little man Cyrus, born at home Dec. 2007 . Now married to my Incredibly Nice Guy and new mama to baby Arthur.
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#3 of 3 Old 06-12-2011, 07:27 PM - Thread Starter
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Thank you for reading all that and replying :)


Domestic violence is the word he used but it is verbal stuff that he's referring to. He does say I hit him but I definatly never punched him in the face or anything like that! He used to say he wanted to hit ME but never actually did- he was mostly just good at making me feel like I didn't clean the house good enough or cook dinner right, stuff like that and saying hurtful things.

I realize I could work on my temper a bit and maybe not say the firs things that I think of - especially things I dont really mean to be saying- but living with someone who doesnt completly enrage me with frustration has been helping! although I still have to deal with his crap and then some now it will hopefully get better as more time passes

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