**Trigger**Protecting Child from wrong babysitter- what are a mother's rights with shared custody - Page 3 - Mothering Forums

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#61 of 100 Old 06-22-2011, 06:25 AM
 
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you have  every right to be concerned about who your child is with, your the mother and whether people rely on it or not, you have a mother's intuition.  that being said, its a fine line deciding to judge someone because of that intuition or just because of their past is difficult to talk about.  it seems wrong to just "judge" someone and decide you think they're creepy and not let your child around them. however, what if something DID happen and you didn't trust your gut, you'd never forgive yourself right? so it's a hard thing to say whether or not you are right in your concerns. 

if you're still so concerned, file for custody and do your best to get the agreement you're more comfortable with. try to get a good excuse to NOT have the child be able to go down there

 on the note of the wife, don't judge her. since you haven't been in that situation, you don't know what its like. i don't so i can't understand either.  however, i can imagine that since she knows what its like to be victimized, she would do everything in her power to help someone else if they were victimized, especially a child, especially her granddaughter. i can't speak to the husband, but i think you can trust her

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#62 of 100 Old 06-22-2011, 10:26 AM
 
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Firstly, I am sorry your daughters had to go through that from someone they should have been able to trust. 
 

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Originally Posted by provocativa View Post If the objective is protecting the kid, then the OP needs a custody order, needs to put in the agreement who the kid can be left alone with, needs to ask her lawyer when/how to report the pool issue (is it better to use it in court, or report it now.)   As for knowing the rate of pedophiles in the general population, the Crimes Against Children Detective who came to speak to our support group said that the rates are much higher than the stats because of so much that goes unprosecuted, and unreported. 


 

I agree with this.  However, if you go in as the paranoid parent who doesn't want anyone who isn't vetted by you to have contact with your child, it's generally not going to go well in the courts.  You are going to appear overbearing and controlling and as if you are trying to interfere with your ex's ability to form a life with his child.  The truth is, he GETS to have people in his life that are going to be around your child that you don't know.  Just like YOU get to have people in your life, around your child that HE doesn't know.  That's what happens when you are no longer a couple. 

 

You can request right of first refusal WRT childcare, but outright forbidding people in the child's life?  Especially family members with no relatable criminal records?  That's going to be a hard sell based off what I've seen from friends' custody agreements and court hearings.


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#63 of 100 Old 06-22-2011, 11:53 AM
 
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That is such an incredibly dismissive statement.  Especially in response to the post you quoted.

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 However, if you go in as the paranoid parent who doesn't want anyone who isn't vetted by you to have contact with your child, it's generally not going to go well in the courts. 

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#64 of 100 Old 06-22-2011, 07:42 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I agree with APToddlerMama about Pynki's comments and others.  A lot of comments like that I've seen don't seem to come from a non-judgemental but personal place.  I don't like having to defend myself while after for asking for support and positive opinions.  You can change people to your side by bullying them.  Let me clarify, one last time for those who may feel offended by a lot of these comments.  (1) I only asked that the father not leave her with a stranger to babysit.  Remember her father is not there with her.  Does that deserve the label "Paranoid parent?"    (2) She is only 2 and this will not be forever. At least you can say when she can understand that people should refrain from touching her private parts, this would be a better time to let her stay with strangers.  Remember the stepfather is a stranger to the father as well.  He did not raise the father.  We don't know his relationship with his wife.  Also, how can you expect a girl not be manipulated at this young age even if she understands it's wrong to be molested. (3) Preschools have checks and balances not two people in a big house with an ungated pool. (4) For those that say give the grandmother the benefit of the doubt and your "sure" she can be trusted?  Why, just because she's a rape victim? That is just as wrong as my original statement to not trust her... which I was big enough to say I was wrong about.   But, what if you are wrong?  How can you give such advice as a mother?  For your own agenda, you would risk a two year old's livelihood?  Would you be so careless with your own daughter?  

 

I didn't feel I had to give examples to a mothering group like I'm on trial.  But, the stepfather has repeatedly mean to my daughter.  I can't say he's abusive, but who wants their daughter to go off and be mistreated and learn from that kind of person?  Why does it always have to be extreme like a DUI?  Also, I am good friends with her gay father who just came out of the closet to me only... so, yes, no bitterness and control issues here.  Also, he has not come out of the closet to his family for a reason.  Also, I tried to reach her father one time at his mother's house when my girl and I were throwing up, and the father's stepfather would not hand the phone over to either the father or the grandmother.  So, there's the creepy element I was talking about.  THis form can only work if people dont judge first and ask questions first.  It's certainly NOT working.

 

This mothering.com is overall not a upportive site.  If someone disagrees, they get mean.  It has alot of mean spirited, irresponsible, judgemental people on it and I am out of here!!!  
 

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That is such an incredibly dismissive statement.  Especially in response to the post you quoted.



 

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#65 of 100 Old 06-22-2011, 09:28 PM
 
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Originally Posted by APToddlerMama View Post



That is such an incredibly dismissive statement.  Especially in response to the post you quoted.



 



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Originally Posted by marthawashington View Post

I agree with APToddlerMama about Pynki's comments and others.  A lot of comments like that I've seen don't seem to come from a non-judgemental but personal place.  I don't like having to defend myself while after for asking for support and positive opinions.  You can change people to your side by bullying them.  Let me clarify, one last time for those who may feel offended by a lot of these comments.  (1) I only asked that the father not leave her with a stranger to babysit.  Remember her father is not there with her.  Does that deserve the label "Paranoid parent?"    (2) She is only 2 and this will not be forever. At least you can say when she can understand that people should refrain from touching her private parts, this would be a better time to let her stay with strangers.  Remember the stepfather is a stranger to the father as well.  He did not raise the father.  We don't know his relationship with his wife.  Also, how can you expect a girl not be manipulated at this young age even if she understands it's wrong to be molested. (3) Preschools have checks and balances not two people in a big house with an ungated pool. (4) For those that say give the grandmother the benefit of the doubt and your "sure" she can be trusted?  Why, just because she's a rape victim? That is just as wrong as my original statement to not trust her... which I was big enough to say I was wrong about.   But, what if you are wrong?  How can you give such advice as a mother?  For your own agenda, you would risk a two year old's livelihood?  Would you be so careless with your own daughter?  

 

I didn't feel I had to give examples to a mothering group like I'm on trial.  But, the stepfather has repeatedly mean to my daughter.  I can't say he's abusive, but who wants their daughter to go off and be mistreated and learn from that kind of person?  Why does it always have to be extreme like a DUI?  Also, I am good friends with her gay father who just came out of the closet to me only... so, yes, no bitterness and control issues here.  Also, he has not come out of the closet to his family for a reason.  Also, I tried to reach her father one time at his mother's house when my girl and I were throwing up, and the father's stepfather would not hand the phone over to either the father or the grandmother.  So, there's the creepy element I was talking about.  THis form can only work if people dont judge first and ask questions first.  It's certainly NOT working.

 

This mothering.com is overall not a upportive site.  If someone disagrees, they get mean.  It has alot of mean spirited, irresponsible, judgemental people on it and I am out of here!!!  
 



 

I wasn't calling you a paranoid parent.  I said if you go in and try to say that no one you haven't personally vetted to see your child while they are with their father, you will come across as a paranoid parent. 

 

I think the ungated pool is a VERY real concern, and one that SHOULD be addressed, but I never said anything about that previously.  I wasn't bullying you.  I was giving you my perspective based on what I have seen as the child inside the custody case, and as the friend of those going to court with similar custody issues.  The grandparents may be strangers to your child, but they are certainly not strangers to her father.  And at 2 EVERYONE they don't see weekly is a stranger to them quite honestly. 
 

 


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#66 of 100 Old 06-23-2011, 07:12 AM
 
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I wasn't calling you a paranoid parent.  I said if you go in and try to say that no one you haven't personally vetted to see your child while they are with their father, you will come across as a paranoid parent. 

 

I think the ungated pool is a VERY real concern, and one that SHOULD be addressed, but I never said anything about that previously.  I wasn't bullying you.  I was giving you my perspective based on what I have seen as the child inside the custody case, and as the friend of those going to court with similar custody issues.  The grandparents may be strangers to your child, but they are certainly not strangers to her father.  And at 2 EVERYONE they don't see weekly is a stranger to them quite honestly
 

 



How do you know the stepfather is not a stranger to the girl's father?  And how do you know he has is capable of making a good choice as far as stepfather being with the daughter?  Before you jump all over me and tell me he's the father and should be able to judge who cares for his daughter, let me remind you that MDC has had a number of threads related to dad choosing an inappropriate caregiver and some really ugly results.  Anyhow, I don't play around when it comes to my kid's safety with other caregivers.  OP has given a number of reasons she doesn't trust this man.  She needs to trust her instinct.  To ignore that is to put a child at risk. 

 

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#67 of 100 Old 06-23-2011, 07:17 AM
 
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op, do you have a formal custody agreement?  if not, i think that has to be your top priority.  how can we support you in getting that in place?

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#68 of 100 Old 06-23-2011, 08:02 AM
 
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Originally Posted by APToddlerMama View Post





How do you know the stepfather is not a stranger to the girl's father?  And how do you know he has is capable of making a good choice as far as stepfather being with the daughter?  Before you jump all over me and tell me he's the father and should be able to judge who cares for his daughter, let me remind you that MDC has had a number of threads related to dad choosing an inappropriate caregiver and some really ugly results.  Anyhow, I don't play around when it comes to my kid's safety with other caregivers.  OP has given a number of reasons she doesn't trust this man.  She needs to trust her instinct.  To ignore that is to put a child at risk. 

 

 

Even if the step father hasn't been in the father's life for years the OP does not say that he is completely unknown to him, and his mother certainly is not.  And are you REALLY telling me that only father's pick care providers who are abusive in one way or another?  Because given how that care givers are BY AND LARGE chosen by mothers, I think you're going to have to spread that guilt brush pretty wide on mothers as well.  How about we agree that abusers abuse.  They lie and manipulate incredibly well.  I am sure that most father's are not  going to hire a care giver that says, "I'm going to beat your child/touch your child inappropriately/expose them to inappropriate media/take them to a coke deal.  Does that sound good?"  and then say sure!  why not. 

 

We are mothers, and we feel a strong urge to protect our children.  Fathers feel that same urge and they are not the enemy.

 


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#69 of 100 Old 06-23-2011, 08:35 AM
 
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Has the MIL shown any sings that she will be abusive to your daughter? When she confided in you about her rape did she seem sad about it? Maybe a little ashamed? Has the FIL shown you any signs that he may be abusive? I'll refrain from telling you some of the signs my own abuser showed b/c it's not nice and I'll get sent to the corner greensad.gif

You don't have to educated about rape,sexual abuse or assault to show a little understanding about why a woman (or man) wouldn't make a report. You should be ashamed of yourself for being so judgmental of a rape survivor.
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#70 of 100 Old 06-23-2011, 08:47 AM
 
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I don't know the details of your MIL's assault but there is not necessarily a direct correlation between her choice not to report her own assault to how she would handle someone abusing her grandchild.

 

A woman who was repeatedly sexually abused as a child and then raped as an adult and unable to deal with any of it might have a higher than average chance of being unable to protect a child if her denial is the only thing that keeps her going. She also might be more likely to be extremely diligent and over protective of any children in her care. A woman who was date raped when she was in her 20's would have completely different reasons for not reporting than the woman in the first instance. You have to remember the time when she was raped and you can't judge her by 2011 standards for something that happened in the 1960's or 1970's. Rape is hard to report now and it was worse then. If she was raped as an adult then she has an experience with a rapist, not a pedophile.  She does not live with the emotional damage of having a pedophile traumatize and terrorize her still possibly making her afraid to confront another one. The concerns you might have with a child abuse survivor are not the same ones you might have with an adult rape survivor. Many other posters have eloquently discussed why most sexual assaults do not get reported.

 

Sexual assault is treated differently than other crimes. If you report a robbery, the system focuses on the thief and does not bend over backwards trying to get you to prove that you were really robbed. If you left your car unlocked you are not dragged over the coals and shamed, mocked and insulted for your mistake. It is still recognized that the car thief committed the crime, not you. If you report a sexual assault, then you have to prove that it happened rather than the rapist having to prove that it did not happen. The victim is assumed to be lying until proven otherwise and people assign as much blame to the victim as they possibly can. How sick and twisted is that? Car thieves don't play mind games with you - they just steal your car. Rape is a different crime altogether and the issues around prevention and reporting are far different.

 

I assume that you offer your ex the same access to information and decision making about the people you choose to have in your daughter's life as you want from him. I never, ever assume that one parent has better judgement just because of their gender. My father died when I was a baby and my mother had lots of passionately protective and strong things to say about caring for me - but that didn't stop her from leaving me in the car of many sick and abusive individuals over the years. I would have been far safer under the care of any of my uncles than I was with my mother even though she knew all the right things to say to sound like a concerned and protective mother. I am not saying you are like that, just pointing out that assuming fathers are suspect and mothers are safe can be a really, really bad idea for a child. 

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#71 of 100 Old 06-23-2011, 08:59 AM
 
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Hey OP I have a question. Am I bad person for not reporting my abuse for years even though I knew it was wrong and that it didn't happen to "normal" kids? No really,how do you feel about that? Do you think children that don't tell about abuse are just as bad as you think your former MIL is?
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Give me a break.  Are you REALLY telling me that OP should blindly trust father's choice in care provider even though she has listed several concerns about stepfather and has stated he is mean to her daughter? 


Well, I think she should trust that the child's father is trying to do what he thinks is best for the child in question.  He might not know why an ungated swimming pool is a big problem if he grew up around them.  Absolutely raise concerns when you have them about safety issues like that.  My IL's don't take car seat safety as seriously as I do because when we were kids it just WASN'T a thing.  So, I've told them that they MUST use a car seat at all time if they have the kids when they are car seat aged.  It's not a question.  It MUST be done. 

 

Education about safety issues will generally go along way in these regards.

 


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Hey OP I have a question. Am I bad person for not reporting my abuse for years even though I knew it was wrong and that it didn't happen to "normal" kids? No really,how do you feel about that? Do you think children that don't tell about abuse are just as bad as you think your former MIL is?

 

Take a deep breath Mamita.  OP has been beaten to death for her original statement and has accepted and taken responsibility for not understanding the full impact of sexual assault and for making an insensitive statement.  Why stir the pot once again?  See title: "Trigger" and walk away if you feel so strongly that you need to attack her once again.  If it really matters to you anyhow what she thinks about you not reporting childhood abuse, you may want to look inside yourself and see how you can continue your healing process. 

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Well, I think she should trust that the child's father is trying to do what he thinks is best for the child in question.  He might not know why an ungated swimming pool is a big problem if he grew up around them.  Absolutely raise concerns when you have them about safety issues like that.  My IL's don't take car seat safety as seriously as I do because when we were kids it just WASN'T a thing.  So, I've told them that they MUST use a car seat at all time if they have the kids when they are car seat aged.  It's not a question.  It MUST be done. 

 

Education about safety issues will generally go along way in these regards.

 


If he doesn't realize an ungated pool is a safety issue, I would have a difficult time "trusting" him as you suggest.  Why are you so bold and arrogant to suggest OP should "trust" this child's father when you have never met any of them.  Maybe she should.  Maybe she shouldn't.  We're on a message board.  We don't know.  I've worked in child welfare and seen plenty of parents who flat out can't and shouldn't be trusted.  Let OP sort that out instead of making the call yourself. 
 

 

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#75 of 100 Old 06-23-2011, 09:21 AM
 
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If he doesn't realize an ungated pool is a safety issue, I would have a difficult time "trusting" him as you suggest.  Why are you so bold and arrogant to suggest OP should "trust" this child's father when you have never met any of them.  Maybe she should.  Maybe she shouldn't.  We're on a message board.  We don't know.  I've worked in child welfare and seen plenty of parents who flat out can't and shouldn't be trusted.  Let OP sort that out instead of making the call yourself. 
 

 

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Take a deep breath Mamita.  OP has been beaten to death for her original statement and has accepted and taken responsibility for not understanding the full impact of sexual assault and for making an insensitive statement.  Why stir the pot once again?  See title: "Trigger" and walk away if you feel so strongly that you need to attack her once again.  If it really matters to you anyhow what she thinks about you not reporting childhood abuse, you may want to look inside yourself and see how you can continue your healing process. 


I'm cool. Just wanted to know how she felt about it. Does she feel the same about children not reporting abuse as she does grown men and women not reporting it?
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If he doesn't realize an ungated pool is a safety issue, I would have a difficult time "trusting" him as you suggest.  Why are you so bold and arrogant to suggest OP should "trust" this child's father when you have never met any of them.  Maybe she should.  Maybe she shouldn't.  We're on a message board.  We don't know.  I've worked in child welfare and seen plenty of parents who flat out can't and shouldn't be trusted.  Let OP sort that out instead of making the call yourself. 
 

 


The OP doesn't seem to be a very reliable narrator here, in my opinion. I don't think I would trust her judgment any more than I would trust the father's. She also has to consider whether she would feel comfortable having her ex vet every single child care choice she makes.
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If he doesn't realize an ungated pool is a safety issue, I would have a difficult time "trusting" him as you suggest.  Why are you so bold and arrogant to suggest OP should "trust" this child's father when you have never met any of them.  Maybe she should.  Maybe she shouldn't.  We're on a message board.  We don't know.  I've worked in child welfare and seen plenty of parents who flat out can't and shouldn't be trusted.  Let OP sort that out instead of making the call yourself. 
 

 


I didn't realize that saying you should trust a child's FATHER to have their best interests at heart was a bold and arrogant statement.  Am I in bizarro land? 

 


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Originally Posted by APToddlerMama View Post

 

Take a deep breath Mamita.  OP has been beaten to death for her original statement and has accepted and taken responsibility for not understanding the full impact of sexual assault and for making an insensitive statement.  Why stir the pot once again?  See title: "Trigger" and walk away if you feel so strongly that you need to attack her once again.  If it really matters to you anyhow what she thinks about you not reporting childhood abuse, you may want to look inside yourself and see how you can continue your healing process. 


I'm cool. Just wanted to know how she felt about it. Does she feel the same about children not reporting abuse as she does grown men and women not reporting it?

If you read the entire thread, you probably would have noted that OP is herself a survivor of childhood sexual abuse.  So I am guessing the answer is no.  Also, she has acknowledged that her original opinion was uneducated and probably can now say she has a different opinion of adult survivors as well. 

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Ok, from the legal standpoint of things (above and beyond how upset I am over the rape survivor = going to be a bad grandma:

 

You chose to have a child with the father.

Your decision brought a child into this world.

Unless you can prove in a court of law and to a Judge that your daughter's father is an unfit parent, you are not entitled to restrict his decisions while the child is in his care. He can introduce her to whomever he pleases, he can do pretty much what his heart desires as long as a court sees it as safe.


His mother chose to marry someone. That someone is going to be a grandfather in her life. Your daughters father is taking her on vacation to visit his family and extended family. You do not have the legal right to restrict who she may and may not spend time with, nor demand that grandma come to visit in your home state because you don't know her DH.

 

The court's stance on this is:

 

You chose the father, you chose to have a child with the father, therefore you believed the person to be a good parent and to have judgement which is acceptable. If you no longer believe that is true you can seen an order to restrict his judgement, but you would be very hard pressed to do that in a court of law. Mother's are equal parents to Father's and as such his decisions while the child are in his care are his to make, not yours. You can make your wishes known but he does not have to abide by them and a Judge would see them as controlling and restrictive on building a bond with DD's extended family.

 

We see it all the time in the legal field. Mom crying that Dad left child with grandma and new husband or grandpa and new wife. Judge says SO WHAT??? Dad made a decision on his time, it is his right.

 

Don't sweat the small stuff. This? Small stuff. Pool a concern? Dad will be there to care for child. Dad can handle it. Dad's time, dad's decisions.

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I didn't realize that saying you should trust a child's FATHER to have their best interests at heart was a bold and arrogant statement.  Am I in bizarro land? 

 



Why?  Why should anyone who has never met this man trust that?  Am *I* in bizarro land?  You know, I wouldn't really care about this thread or care to even respond to you questions other than the fact that I think it is truly important for all parents to trust their instincts and their partners instincts when they feel something is "off."  A great deal of the time, parents will acknowledge that they did have a bad gut feeling about a person, but didn't want to overreact, be "paranoid", offend someone, etc. so they ignored true warning signs with ugly ugly outcomes.  I've seen in first hand more than I would have liked to, and my experiences have led me to feel that my child's safety is 100 times more important than a whole series of other priorities, including giving people the benefit of the doubt. 

 

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#81 of 100 Old 06-23-2011, 09:59 AM
 
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But we've never met the mother, either. So why should we assume that she is better qualified to make these kinds of decisions?
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#82 of 100 Old 06-23-2011, 10:02 AM
 
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To respond to you, while I agree to some extent LEGALLY she does not have that right. When father takes over parenting time with the child, when the child is with FATHER, he has the legal right to make all parenting decisions unless the court has written orders denying him those rights.

 

Again, mother's are equal to father's, father's are equal to mother's. This is a 3 yr old child, not an infant and dad can make the decisions as to where the child should be.

Mother is trying to control something out of her legal control.

 

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Why?  Why should anyone who has never met this man trust that?  Am *I* in bizarro land?  You know, I wouldn't really care about this thread or care to even respond to you questions other than the fact that I think it is truly important for all parents to trust their instincts and their partners instincts when they feel something is "off."  A great deal of the time, parents will acknowledge that they did have a bad gut feeling about a person, but didn't want to overreact, be "paranoid", offend someone, etc. so they ignored true warning signs with ugly ugly outcomes.  I've seen in first hand more than I would have liked to, and my experiences have led me to feel that my child's safety is 100 times more important than a whole series of other priorities, including giving people the benefit of the doubt. 

 



 

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#83 of 100 Old 06-23-2011, 10:31 AM
 
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Why?  Why should anyone who has never met this man trust that?  Am *I* in bizarro land?  You know, I wouldn't really care about this thread or care to even respond to you questions other than the fact that I think it is truly important for all parents to trust their instincts and their partners instincts when they feel something is "off."  A great deal of the time, parents will acknowledge that they did have a bad gut feeling about a person, but didn't want to overreact, be "paranoid", offend someone, etc. so they ignored true warning signs with ugly ugly outcomes.  I've seen in first hand more than I would have liked to, and my experiences have led me to feel that my child's safety is 100 times more important than a whole series of other priorities, including giving people the benefit of the doubt. 

 


The point is that legally your instinct carries no weight in this situation.

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#84 of 100 Old 06-23-2011, 12:47 PM
 
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To respond to you, while I agree to some extent LEGALLY she does not have that right. When father takes over parenting time with the child, when the child is with FATHER, he has the legal right to make all parenting decisions unless the court has written orders denying him those rights.

 

Again, mother's are equal to father's, father's are equal to mother's. This is a 3 yr old child, not an infant and dad can make the decisions as to where the child should be.

Mother is trying to control something out of her legal control.
 


My understanding is that she is asking about this and considering seeking legal changes to the court order.  Which is totally possible and happens all the time.  The question wasn't "am I legally able to do this?" which everyone knows the answer to at this point.  It doesn't mean she can't petition to have that changed. 

 

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#85 of 100 Old 06-23-2011, 12:51 PM
 
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I can agree with that entirely.  I guess I am just of the view that I'd rather be safe than sorry.  If one parent has reservations, no matter how qualified or unqualified I think they are to determine the safety of a person, I am of the belief that those reservations and instincts should be respected.  That is how children are kept safe and protected.  I don't think any child should be cared for by any adult who BOTH parents don't feel is safe. 

 

Regardless, MDC wouldn't be deciding if this stepdad can care for her child.  A judge would.  And I trust that hopefully a judge will have enough facts that he or she would be able to make a decent decision regarding contact. 

 

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But we've never met the mother, either. So why should we assume that she is better qualified to make these kinds of decisions?


 

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#86 of 100 Old 06-23-2011, 12:55 PM
 
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The point is that legally your instinct carries no weight in this situation.



It isn't just her instincts and judges can make whatever decisions they want in court orders and do all the time.  OP can also come to an agreement or compromise with her ex. 

 

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#87 of 100 Old 06-23-2011, 01:07 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you to those for your support like APToddlerMama and your non-judgemental words.  It would be nice if all mom's could put themselves in another mom's shoes.  I just want to let you know that I'm closing my account today because I had such a negative experience.  Where is the moderator?

 

I was feeling worried for my daughter (a mother's right) so I asked for help but got so much meanness, cut downs, etc. that I don't have to be here.  I hope that I can teach my daughter that she doesn't have to be anybody but herself.  If she says the wrong thing, she can learn from it.  She should be forgiven...no one is perfect.  But, if people aren't kind and kindly correct or educate her and say that "she has no judgement" "want to throw up" even after her apology, then stays strong and just walk away.  Those people are miserable inside and have not dealt with their own inner-conflict.  I'm willing to say I was ignorant and apologized.  Others on this site are not able to do that, but feel they must deal with their healing by cutting others down...  turning their sadness into anger and manifesting it on sites like this.  It goes nowhere but into cyberspace and back into their hearts and minds.  This does not seem like the community I want to belong.  I hope my daughter can just walk away when people are mean, and not feel she has to defend herself even if she initally said the wrong thing.  Rape victim or not... doesn't mean  you can say anything you want and hurt other people.  That will not help yourself. It only reflects on how you have not dealt with the struggles that were dealt on you.  And, I say that from the most compassionate place.  You have my sympathy but I don't have to take your abuse.

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#88 of 100 Old 06-23-2011, 01:15 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Perhaps pour all that pain and angst into advocacy.  If you're afraid for your safety, you can still advocate without admitting you're  a rape victim.  But, the words you write here is not advocacy.  You discredit your words here with cut downs and they go nowhere.  By not showing sympathy for a fellow mom, won't make your pain go away.   Work for a rape prevention center or women's clinic.  Go educate schools.  When you help people, you help yourself.  If you still think I have poor judgement, why even respond to this forum?  I am only one person.  Why do you care so much what one stupid mom thinks?

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#89 of 100 Old 06-23-2011, 01:17 PM - Thread Starter
 
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For example, this is someone we should be trying to help.  Stop focusing on OP and let's find out how we can help MamitaM.  It's eye opening how people go to the controversy and not help those who obviously are at the start of their healing journey.  Is there anyone who would like to share their support to her?
 

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 You should be ashamed of yourself for being so judgmental of a rape survivor.


 

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#90 of 100 Old 06-23-2011, 01:19 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I thought these site were about expressing concerns and feelings and seeing if they're perhaps valid or there is something to it.  I thought it was a safe place to go.  I wondered out loud(which is what these forums are for) if a middle-aged women didn't report a sex crime for herself, would she do it for my daughter.  I'm sure alot of people are now afraid to express that feeling, and will secretly just make decisions upon a false assumption because they didn't feel they could talk about such a sensitive subject.

 

  It would have been more productive if someone could just say that here are the reasons it's so hard to come forward about yourself.  But, it MAY not be so with the daughter.  I understand it's not a black and white world.  Grandma, despite her past, may or may not help my daughter.  If those who feel they need to villanize others for self-preservation, I can understand that.  But, then you need to be able to listen to others too if you're going to be able to get past your own hurt.  Forgiveness is for yourself not for others.

 

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Quote:
Originally Posted by APToddlerMama View Post



 


If he doesn't realize an ungated pool is a safety issue, I would have a difficult time "trusting" him as you suggest.  Why are you so bold and arrogant to suggest OP should "trust" this child's father when you have never met any of them.  Maybe she should.  Maybe she shouldn't.  We're on a message board.  We don't know.  I've worked in child welfare and seen plenty of parents who flat out can't and shouldn't be trusted.  Let OP sort that out instead of making the call yourself. 
 

 




The OP doesn't seem to be a very reliable narrator here, in my opinion. I don't think I would trust her judgment any more than I would trust the father's. She also has to consider whether she would feel comfortable having her ex vet every single child care choice she makes.


 

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