Help me keep a lid on it just a little longer.... so stressed out - Mothering Forums
Single Parenting > Help me keep a lid on it just a little longer.... so stressed out
fiona2359's Avatar fiona2359 10:02 PM 06-29-2011

I found out 7 months ago that STBX was living with a girlfriend in another state (he is stationed there for the military). Since that time I have moved to full time work, saved money, consulted an attorney, moderated my responses to STBX when he is home once or twice a month, and just... tried to be very measured. I want this to be not horrible for the kids.


However, this weekend STBX noticed that I was upset. I've been visablly upset for 7 months but he has only just noticed. Until this weekend I'd always managed to get the kids to sleep in bed w/ him ("Oh they haven't seen you in so long they want to be w/ you.") However, Friday he managed to get them in their own beds and so I stayed upo really late and then went to bed in the guest room. At 4:00 am he came down all "Dont you love me anymore?" and sulking about. Which ended w/ "we need to talk later" since I was too sleepy to have a productive conversation.


Anyhow - late Saturday he asks me if I want to "fight for the marriage." I was evasive. I have no interest in fighting for a marriage with a self-aborbed adulterer who has picked-up multiple people, is living with his girlfriend, and takes absolutely no ownership for the problems our marriage has. I can't stand to be in the same room w/ him. Anyhow, the result of this was that it was hard to get him to leave on Sunday (he as a 6hour drive back to work) and he hs now emailing and calling all the time. He went 18 months w/o bothering to phone the kids and now it is some kind of emergency to him. He still thinks I don't know about his girlfriend. His latest brilliant plan is that he is going to drop out of the military and come back here *unemployeed* and fix it all.


Meanhile I have the papers nearly ready to go and a planned date of delivery. I just have to get though the next 6 days w/ o completly losing my shingles if you know what I mean, The more he badgers me about "fighting for the marriage" the closer I get to just cutting loose verbally, which is not in my best interest.


So ,..... HELP! Words of encouragement, something... tell me it is all going to be allright.




Ansley's Avatar Ansley 05:23 AM 06-30-2011

He sounds somewhat like my ex. My ex lives 5 hours away and we meet every few weeks halfway for him to see our DD. He left me for someone else a year ago and immediately moved in with her and now they are getting married soon, BUT he still calls, texts, emails me all the time and says that he misses me and our DD. He says he is looking for a job here where I live so that he can come back but I don't believe him. In fact, I pretty much don't believe anything he says anymore and you probably shouldn't believe your stbx either. I can't imagine a person going so long without calling their kids and then expecting everything to be okay! Why haven't you said anything to him about his girlfriend? I couldn't have held that information in for so long. I would also stop letting him stay at your house when he comes to visit if that is possible...

annekevdbroek's Avatar annekevdbroek 05:51 AM 06-30-2011

Basically I didn't say anything because I felt it important to get my financial and legal ducks in a row. He is stationed elsewhere for work, so he has no idea that I know. If I had said something earlier I would have been very unprepared financially and I think there would have been a bigger blowout and great negative impact on the kids. It is still going to be bad for the kids, but we shouldn't lose the house or have to move, and I was able to slowly transition to full time work at my same job and slow make the childcare changes. I am trying to ease the kids through the changes as slowly as possible. I have been able to save a good amount of money so that if he refuses to pay support initially I will be able to get through 4 - 6 months with only my income. Because he is home relatively infrequently and otherwise (until this weekend) so clueless and disengaged it wasn't an emergency for me to get out. I hope that makes sense.


He has never changed his behavior towards me despite 13 years of feedback about problems, so I didn't see much point in saying anything about his girlfriend. I don't want him back. I am actually repulsed by him and can't stand to be in the same room.


Beleive me he will be getting an earful about girlfriend sometime next week.

The Harpy's Avatar The Harpy 11:37 AM 06-30-2011

Puzzled because there are 2 user names but I am guessing OP and the above poster are the same so I am going to give up on trying to use your name to reply to you. LOL


OP,,,, HOLY CARP I am so sorry! OMG my jaw dropped. What a weasel. I can't tell you enough how amazed I am at your strength to not rip into him for trying to fake his way through it. I am so sorry.


I just wanted to say funnel all the spare cash you can this week into a secure place where he has no access and be prepared for a heck of a poop storm when he gets busted because he sounds like a narcassist. *hug*

doubledutch's Avatar doubledutch 12:14 PM 06-30-2011

my advice is to not take his calls, if it's a struggle to keep things quiet for a few more days.  just text/email back to him that you've got your hands full with the kids and can't talk right now.

fiona2359's Avatar fiona2359 09:21 PM 06-30-2011

Thank you ladies- sorry about the two user names. I started a second because he was still around. He shouldn't be back here now so I am less concerned. My lawyer gave me some "talking points" so the cork won't totally come out when I speak with him. It probably cost $300 of her time, but I think it will be worth it in the long run. D day soon approaching. I plan to dodge the phone calls this weekend.


Mummoth's Avatar Mummoth 11:39 AM 07-01-2011

I don't have any practical advice... the only thing I can think of is to think about how good it'll feel to know he was totally blindsided when he gets served, as I'm sure you were when you found out about his GF! That you've kept a cool head and got your plan worked out is fantastic, you should feel proud of yourself for making sure your needs and the needs of your kids will be looked after.

Dacks's Avatar Dacks 11:48 AM 07-04-2011

Your patience will pay off, and you are doing such a good job of creating a secure future for yourself and your kids. Patience patience, and then you will know he has that dumbfounded guilty look on his face when he gets the news. 

chel's Avatar chel 02:17 PM 07-04-2011
Sounds like all might not be rosey with gf. My spouse came crawling back when all wasn't greener (tanner and younger, but not better) Your plan sounds great
Wish you best of luck
Super~Single~Mama 04:09 PM 07-04-2011

I have no productive advice, but GO YOU!!!  You are incredibly strong, and just amazing - I can't believe you have been able to keep your head about you so well to plan all of this, AND get yourself so completely financially ready!!


I'm really impressed.  Just a few more days, and the lid will blow, and you'll be able to tell him to have ALL correspondence go through your attorney, and you can have him set up phone call times to chat with the kids through your lawyer as well.  Then you won't have to talk to him hardly at all!


I can't believe how well you handled this.  I'm amazed.

Halfasianmomma's Avatar Halfasianmomma 07:47 AM 07-05-2011

I did somewhat the same thing as i was prepared to go for custody of DD...I continued to take DD for bi-weekly visitation, providing transportation, diapers, food, etc, nodding and smiling, taking whatever b.s. XH threw my way, freaking out internally when he returned her to me once covered in dried blood...all the while, I built my case against him, documented *everything*, especially the failed mediation attempt. Then I had him served and then I waited for the court date, still continuing with visitation. I was a wreck. And then WHAMO. I went to court. He didn't show. I got custody by default. Then divorce by default. 'Nuff said.


What helped was a list I wrote for myself...of all the things I would never have to deal with again once it was all said and done. I printed it out and put it near my computer screen at work. I read it several times a day. Some of things on that list were:

"The midnight wakeups and interrogations

The constant lies

The snooping through my purse

Using my child as a weapon against me

Throwing things at my head

Being drunk all the time

The knives in the house

Constantly emailing/calling me

Accusations of infidelity

Threatening my parents

etc etc"


You get the jist. Write yourself a list. Keep it somewhere close. Remind yourself that you're *this* close to freedom. Then you can write yourself a list of all the things you get to do once you're separated from him...the stuff you didn't let yourself do when you were with him.