heartbroken over pregnant wife leaving with son - Page 3 - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
Reply
 
Thread Tools
#61 of 77 Old 07-18-2011, 09:38 AM - Thread Starter
 
fatherof3's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 23
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)



 

Quote:
Originally Posted by NYCVeg View Post




But why does the wife get to make unilateral decisions that pretty much put the husband between a rock and a hard place? I can't imagine, at six months pregnant, saying to my spouse: "Look, I know this is completely out of the blue, but I'VE decided that I absolutely must go raise this baby Alabama/California/Timbuktu, so you can either get on board, quit your job, and leave your children, grandchild, and friends or I'm taking this baby out of your life." Why is there no room for compromise? Why is she allowed completely to discount dad's desires, career, family, etc.? Why does she just GET to decide and if he disagrees, he's suddenly the deadbeat dad abandoning his kid? If it's so important for this baby to be near his dad--as I think it is--then why does the wife get no criticism for up-and-leaving? At least as this scenario has been presented to us, it seems to me like mom is the one doing the abandoning (and/or using the unborn child as a pawn to get the dad to do what she wants).

 


Somebody made the point that my wife did bring up Atlanta last November, and that's true.    And we were not in a good place then.    I cannot sit hear and say that Atlanta was a new concept.    But the point is that we did get to the best place our relationship has ever been, and she came right out and said that she'd be sorry if we never moved there, but that given how happy she was then, we didn't need to worry about moving in foreseeable future.    Again - I didn't have some master plan to keep her here indefinitely........I love her, and I got/get the need to be closer to her father.....how could I not given my own struggles at being apart from my family here?     But right - I am fairly stuck, and no court of law is really going to care.........afterall, what would happen if she were somehow forced to stay here?    Given her family history especially with her Mom, this whole thing does seem drastic.     I mean we just spent a ton of money on home improvements relative to our baby coming home this year less than 2 months ago.   Yes, Atlanta was on hour horizon.    No, it wasn't on the horizon for this year.

 

Most of this seems a little crazy and not what's best for our son.  

 

Life is challenging and not always exactly what we want.    I get that and always have.    I will do my best to make it work.

 

 

 

 

 


 

 

fatherof3 is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
#62 of 77 Old 07-18-2011, 11:12 AM
 
APToddlerMama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 2,130
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)


Quote:
Originally Posted by Super~Single~Mama View Post



 

I'm an attorney APToddlerMama.  I've been in family court tons.  50/50 with an infant, and parents who are a few thousand miles away from each other is laughable.  Yes, there are arrangements that are laughable, but that's ridiculous.  And he doesn't live in the state that will have jurisdiction, so it will be even harder for the state to let him take the baby away (generally speaking, states don't send their citizens elsewhere - it takes ALOT of time in court to convince them).

 

I personally don't care what he does.  It doesn't affect me.  I think it will be hard for him to get custody of the child, and I'm not sure how meaningful a relationship he can have form so far away, when the child is so very young.  However, its not my problem - I was just pointing out that some things that are being said on this thread are insane.

 



If you are *actually* an attorney, I find it incredibly surprising that you supposedly have spent tons of time in family court and haven't seen some fairly wild and crazy decisions made.  Also I find it surprising that an attorney would make a blanket prediction on outcome of a custody hearing without knowing the specifics of a case and with it being pretty clear mom has some mental health issues going on that should definitely be considered.

 

Regardless, fatherof3, I hope you are able to be an active parent in your son's life. 

 

APToddlerMama is offline  
#63 of 77 Old 07-18-2011, 12:50 PM
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Cover letter he!!
Posts: 6,387
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)


Quote:
Originally Posted by APToddlerMama View Post

 I find it incredibly surprising that you supposedly have spent tons of time in family court and haven't seen some fairly wild and crazy decisions made.  Also I find it surprising that an attorney would make a blanket prediction on outcome of a custody hearing without knowing the specifics of a case and with it being pretty clear mom has some mental health issues going on that should definitely be considered.

 


I'm not making horrible blanket statements, and I never said I haven't seen crazy shit happen.  I said that GA will have jurisdiction over the child, since that is where the child is likely to be born - and GA is pretty damn conservative, so they might still have a presumption to give custody to the mother (several southern states still do).  I also didn't make a prediction about the outcome of a custody case - I'm not in any position to do so, I'm just pointing out the flaws in your arguments b/c there are many - and apparently you don't like that.  Boo hoo.

 

Yes, it does sound like the mother has some serious mental health issues going on - but if dad doesn't get down to where the baby is and find a way to retain custody after the child is born, and has no interest in being close to the mother proximity wise (b/c he absolutely MUST live near his young adult children well over 1,000miles away from the mother), he likely won't get custody.  I think you are focusing on the fact that there are some crazy judges out there, when the majority of judges follow the law pretty closely. 

 

Super~Single~Mama is offline  
#64 of 77 Old 07-18-2011, 01:10 PM - Thread Starter
 
fatherof3's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 23
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)



 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Super~Single~Mama View Post




I'm not making horrible blanket statements, and I never said I haven't seen crazy shit happen.  I said that GA will have jurisdiction over the child, since that is where the child is likely to be born - and GA is pretty damn conservative, so they might still have a presumption to give custody to the mother (several southern states still do).  I also didn't make a prediction about the outcome of a custody case - I'm not in any position to do so, I'm just pointing out the flaws in your arguments b/c there are many - and apparently you don't like that.  Boo hoo.

 

Yes, it does sound like the mother has some serious mental health issues going on - but if dad doesn't get down to where the baby is and find a way to retain custody after the child is born, and has no interest in being close to the mother proximity wise (b/c he absolutely MUST live near his young adult children well over 1,000miles away from the mother), he likely won't get custody.  I think you are focusing on the fact that there are some crazy judges out there, when the majority of judges follow the law pretty closely. 

 


Look - I hate to see the two of you arguing with each other over speculation of what might happen with the baby after he is born.    My best friend is an attorney in Colorado and basically said that there really is no protection to keep my wife from leaving and that any such custody hearing would be in Atlanta.    Again, this is out of my control.    

 

In addition to that, comfortable though I may be, I am not in a position to find (with any ease in this economy) a job comparable to the one I currently have.    Moving would, in some ways (and ironically), undermine my ability to provide as much as I would like to my son and for the support i provide to my daughter in college and on the occasions my other two daughters need help.    I'm not saying it isn't something I will do eventually (but i may not - this is still a very tough call) but in the immediate short term, it simply isn't possible.    My wife and I have discussed possible solutions to the long distance between cities and we theorized that we could/would meet in Nashville.......now granted, everything is just talk until put into action, but it did suggest that underneath some of this behaviour, my wife does still understand the importance of my role in our son's life.    And again, I don't think she was lying when she's told me for five years that one of the reasons she fell in love with me is because of my devotion to my children..........so unless she gets worse mentally (which i truly hope does not happen), I don't think she would be selfish enough to try and deny my right to custody.     And besides, my hope would be that we would go for joint custody and allow us to make the rules going foward as my first wife and I did.    But again, who knows.........she's still here in st louis for another 2 weeks anyway........I'm not suggesting we'll just patch this up or anything, but the time for making final decisions about our future is a ways off, and I do believe in my heart that she needs the move and the distance to understand why she's leaving and what it means.     In my case, I need the time to figure out if I plan on making one last attempt to save my marriage or throw in the towel and shoot for the best means of maintaining a parental relationship with my son.

 

But please - no more lectures about my responsibility and my role - obviously I know what that's all about and have for well over 20 years.     The idea behind relinquishing my rights had NOTHING to do with wanting to skip out on financial or emotional support........it had everything to do with the fact that I've seen the effects of divorce on children (my own), and I hate the thought of seeing it again if possibly, she could rebuild a relationship with somebody else which is what will end up happening someday anyway if we don't make this work.     Obviously, the loving father part of me took over and I considered that if she is not stable, there's even more reason for me to be around..........and obviously, I do love my children and all the hard work that goes with it.     I've killed the idea so let's stop talking about that, please:)

 

There are crazier things then me popping down to spend the weekend every 2 months with my son, having him during the summtertime, and him coming for Christmas.........and yes, maybe someday I could get a cheap place down there where we can build memories in his hometown.........and then again, maybe something goes off in my wife's head and she reconsiders my counter offer to moving NOW.

 

We'll just have to see how it goes.    
 

 

fatherof3 is offline  
#65 of 77 Old 07-18-2011, 01:24 PM
 
vannienicole's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 1,052
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I suggest as others id that you talk to your lawyer about your rights.  Whether she even can move with the baby if you contest if she stays to have the baby in St. Louis.  What your options are legally.  How the courts in your area look upon a man willing to be in the life of his child but unable/unwilling to move to another state on the whim of the mother.  Etc.  It really is situational.  The best advice in your circumstance that you will get is from a trusted lawyer schooled in family law in your area.  

 

I really do wish you the best of luck.  This really is a tricky situation all around. 

vannienicole is offline  
#66 of 77 Old 07-18-2011, 01:30 PM
 
StephandOwen's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Kentucky
Posts: 8,613
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)


Quote:
Originally Posted by fatherof3 View Post

There are crazier things then me popping down to spend the weekend every 2 months with my son, having him during the summtertime, and him coming for Christmas.........and yes, maybe someday I could get a cheap place down there where we can build memories in his hometown.........and then again, maybe something goes off in my wife's head and she reconsiders my counter offer to moving NOW.

 

We'll just have to see how it goes.    
 

 


You are basing this off of the assumption that a Judge would even order a young infant/toddler/preschooler to be away from his "home" (primary home) for weeks/months at a time. That's just not all that reasonable, nor do I believe it's healthy for the child. It is possible to make this work (you staying in St. Louis and your wife being in Atlanta), but you need to consider the best interest of the CHILD (which I do not believe is to be away from his mother for the whole summer nor do I believe it would be in his best interest to have you "popping down" for a weekend every 2 months and then taking him away for weeks at a time). You should seriously consider how you are going to be a CONSISTENT part of his life from the day of his birth. Seeing him at a few days old, then 2 months old for a couple days, then 4 months old for a couple days, then taking him for a couple months during the summer, etc is not going to cut it.

 

I'm not saying this to be harsh, I really am not. But this baby is not a thing to be passed back and forth. He's an actual child with real emotions and feelings.

 

Please understand that I'm coming at this from a different perspective. My son's bio-dad did pretty much the same thing to him (only he lived just 10 minutes away for the first 3 1/2 years of my son's life). He popped in and out when he wanted to, saw him maybe an hour or two every 2 or 3 months, etc. He had a little stint where he actually did take him on a somewhat consistent basis 2-3 times a week for 2-3 hours each day, but that was short lived. Then he went back to seeing him maybe once every 2-6 months for a couple hours each. Then when my ds was 3 1/2 years old I petitioned the court, who granted me permission to move from Michigan to Kentucky with my son. For the next 3 years (until my son was 6 1/2) I brought my son back to Michigan for a weekend every other month or so. My ex chose to see him *maybe* 2 times a year for a couple hours each. Then, when my son was 6 1/2, my ex got a bug up his a$$ and decided he wanted weekends/weeks/summertime/etc. The only problem? My son has no idea who this man is. My son believes that my husband is his dad (my son also has autism, and that plays into the situation a little bit). Now my son sees his bio-dad one weekend a month (I bring him to Michigan every other month, my ex travels to Kentucky every other month). He sees him for 4 hours on the Saturday and 4 hours on the Sunday. Yes, 8 hours a month is it. When he's adjusted to this, the Judge will likely increase the amount of time. This is absolute torture for my son, who has no idea who this man is or why I'm making him go with him. It all could have been avoided if ex had been a CONSISTENT presence in my son's life from the time he was born.

 

Please consider all of your options very carefully and make the decision that is in the best interest of the child. I can guarantee that he would rather have his dad around consistently (not just for a weekend every other month) than to have the "things" your job would make it possible to provide for him.


Steph, DH Jason (1-1-11), DS Owen (10-3-03) and DS Kai (10-13-11)

StephandOwen is offline  
#67 of 77 Old 07-18-2011, 01:45 PM
 
JenniferAndJack's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 5
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

WOW.  Who does this to a child, ripping him/her away from a parent?  The very first thing I told myself during my divorce was that I would never separate my son (who was <1 yo at the time) from his father.  Do I like running into my ex-husband at the supermarket?  I hate it, but my son loves it so I revel in his happiness when it happens.  This is the deal when you have kids.  And I’m thankful for my child no matter the circumstance.

 

So here’s what I would do Dad.  I would fight like hell to ensure that your unborn child has his/her dad at hand.  At hand!  Your older children need to think, “what if I were this baby, what would I want dad to do”.  They are older now & they can endure some time away from you.  They’ve sprouted their wings & you’ve taught them to fly.  I would tell myself that this is what I have to do, at least for the next several years.  It’s not fair but this is the life we all live in.  Transform your feelings into a complete focus on you unborn child.  You make decent money.  Start saving it to frequently fly your older children out to visit.  Bond the whole family together.  You can do this.  One day your child will know the fight you put up for him/her.  And your girls will respect you & hopefully choose a man to marry who would also be so dedicated to ALL his children.  It’s your responsibility to teach ALL your children to fly, don’t leave this one without a dad.  Don’t let your unborn child be raised by only one parent.  Your other children had this benefit & so should this one.  Help your older children to think about their new brother or sister.  Once this baby is born their feeling WILL change.  Your the adult, your make the hard decisions not your children.

 

I’m so sorry that this is your situation.  I know that if you put your mind to it you can make it all work.  Don’t fret about the future, deal with today.  You’re going to be a new dad!!!  Congratulation & stay focused.  It’s your job to fight & speak for a child who can not do it for him/herself yet.

 

Best to you!

JenniferAndJack is offline  
#68 of 77 Old 07-18-2011, 01:59 PM
 
JenniferAndJack's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 5
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

One more thing fatherof3 (+1 in the oven).  Get a LAWYER fast!  Hate to say that but if my husband said, once our child is born I'm taking him far away.  Hahaha, I would move mountains, tare down walls, become an Emmy award winning actress & make him my new best friend if need be!  This is how we fight for the things that are important.  You've made deposits into accounts which are now your "old children".  I'm sure those dividends are already paying off.  You've got an unborn son that needs you to make those same deposits & help to write the pages of his life’s book.  He needs you.  Sorry for metaphors.

JenniferAndJack is offline  
#69 of 77 Old 07-18-2011, 02:09 PM - Thread Starter
 
fatherof3's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 23
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)


Quote:
Originally Posted by StephandOwen View Post




You are basing this off of the assumption that a Judge would even order a young infant/toddler/preschooler to be away from his "home" (primary home) for weeks/months at a time. That's just not all that reasonable, nor do I believe it's healthy for the child. It is possible to make this work (you staying in St. Louis and your wife being in Atlanta), but you need to consider the best interest of the CHILD (which I do not believe is to be away from his mother for the whole summer nor do I believe it would be in his best interest to have you "popping down" for a weekend every 2 months and then taking him away for weeks at a time). You should seriously consider how you are going to be a CONSISTENT part of his life from the day of his birth. Seeing him at a few days old, then 2 months old for a couple days, then 4 months old for a couple days, then taking him for a couple months during the summer, etc is not going to cut it.

 

I'm not saying this to be harsh, I really am not. But this baby is not a thing to be passed back and forth. He's an actual child with real emotions and feelings.

 

Please understand that I'm coming at this from a different perspective. My son's bio-dad did pretty much the same thing to him (only he lived just 10 minutes away for the first 3 1/2 years of my son's life). He popped in and out when he wanted to, saw him maybe an hour or two every 2 or 3 months, etc. He had a little stint where he actually did take him on a somewhat consistent basis 2-3 times a week for 2-3 hours each day, but that was short lived. Then he went back to seeing him maybe once every 2-6 months for a couple hours each. Then when my ds was 3 1/2 years old I petitioned the court, who granted me permission to move from Michigan to Kentucky with my son. For the next 3 years (until my son was 6 1/2) I brought my son back to Michigan for a weekend every other month or so. My ex chose to see him *maybe* 2 times a year for a couple hours each. Then, when my son was 6 1/2, my ex got a bug up his a$$ and decided he wanted weekends/weeks/summertime/etc. The only problem? My son has no idea who this man is. My son believes that my husband is his dad (my son also has autism, and that plays into the situation a little bit). Now my son sees his bio-dad one weekend a month (I bring him to Michigan every other month, my ex travels to Kentucky every other month). He sees him for 4 hours on the Saturday and 4 hours on the Sunday. Yes, 8 hours a month is it. When he's adjusted to this, the Judge will likely increase the amount of time. This is absolute torture for my son, who has no idea who this man is or why I'm making him go with him. It all could have been avoided if ex had been a CONSISTENT presence in my son's life from the time he was born.

 

Please consider all of your options very carefully and make the decision that is in the best interest of the child. I can guarantee that he would rather have his dad around consistently (not just for a weekend every other month) than to have the "things" your job would make it possible to provide for him.


Ugh.

 

As I've explained countless times - having a consistent relationship with my son is WHAT I WANT:)      I didn't set this up to go the way that it has.....this isn't my doing.    But as I also explained, I do not have the means to up and leave my situation in St Louis at this time.

 

I truly wish people would read all the posts before posting back.

 


 

 

fatherof3 is offline  
#70 of 77 Old 07-18-2011, 02:19 PM - Thread Starter
 
fatherof3's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 23
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Thanks to all of you.    I had no idea we would get nearly 70 posts into this discussion.    Each of you in your own way have helped give me enough POVs to help me shape my own opinion.  

 

The bottom line is that this is truly the hardest thing I think I've ever had to face and I want to make the right choice........but as we can see with how many different opinions you all have given me, it's hard to determine what exactly the "right" choice is.    I've been a loving and responsible father to my kids over the past 20+ years, even when my ex-wife was not.     I have every intention of doing my part to be in my son's life, but I also lack the ability to immediately leave right now and my wife knows that.    Whether she is crazy or evil or just sad and heartbroken I don't truly know.    I wouldn't ever do what she's doing right now.     So it's hard for me to understand what she is doing or to find enough sense in her explanations to make it feel right to me.   She's leaving town and taking my son with her.......OUR son.......and yet, really, she's made this about her.    I'm not saying we can't make this work someplace down the road, but I'm still in shock over all of this.     I'm sure most of you would be too if this was your daughter, your sister or a friend......and I'm sure many of you would look and judge me for not just uprooting my life the instant she made up here mind and saying, "Great!  I'll quit my job and explain it to my Mom and daughters, all of whom were excited to be an integral part of this baby's life!!"  - I mean, seriously........this isn't a no-brainer situation.    This requires thought and patience and compassion, even if she is incapable of that right now.

 

I pray that she and I find our way back to each other somehow......it's hard to fathom this when in February we were as tight as we've ever been aned happy enough to make babies.    Again, things change, but this still seems surreal.    If we don't then I get we'll figure it out somehow.

 

I would appreciate it if this thread be locked (if at all possible) as it seems we're just going in circles anymore.   

 

Thank you all for your insights and concern - we'll just have to see what happens.

 

 

fatherof3 is offline  
#71 of 77 Old 07-18-2011, 05:06 PM
 
JenniferAndJack's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 5
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Hahaha.  This is what you get when you reach out to women.  Listen, I want to say one last thing before you lock this post & begin banging your head on the table (o:  You will clearly work this out.  Your reality today will not be your reality a year from now.  You're a super star dad & you know this because of how your children respond to you.  Take your calculated steps, define & solidify your goals then pull the trigger.  Pretty sure this is already your plan.  Hang in there my friend!

 

Much Love,

Jennifer

JenniferAndJack is offline  
#72 of 77 Old 07-18-2011, 07:07 PM
 
littlest birds's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: a dream-filled fixer-upper
Posts: 2,894
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I think you are on the right track, fatherof3.  I'm glad you got good information here.

 

I'm sorry that the flying posts are getting to you.  I think you need to PM an administrator to have a thread locked/removed.  You can also just drop out of the thread. You can just let people keep debating--and they will since it is an interesting situation and emotional--but you don't have to come back and participate.  Usually such things drift away from the original and the ladies keep talking to each other instead of the original person regardless, and completely new people will also notice and comment on the original after you feel it's all resolved.  I know it still feels personal but it's not really.

 

I agree with your conclusions.  I also don't think you should move to Atlanta because you are being forced.  You definitely should be expressing to your wife how important she is to you and how extremely important it is to you to know and love your son.  Say it.  A lot.  Make sure she knows that she is taking this child away from a father who desperately wants to be with his child.   That might not be clear right now to her yet if you aren't saying it and you have been only talking about logistics and were considering relinquishing rights.  She is breaking up your family--yours and hers--and I think you should make sure the emotional importance of her action is out on the table.  The abandonment is on her part, and you should try your best not to give consent to her abandonment.  You might try to convince her to stay until the baby is born.   

 

As the parent of a younger teen (who is not currently living at home), I fully sympathize with your unwillingness to leave the rest of your family behind even as young adults--and it's frightening that you might leave a stable job as well.   

 

This is not a question of you putting one or the other first.  She has simply opted out of making decisions for the whole family together with you, as they need to be made.  She isn't putting you first, and she isn't putting her child first.  Putting one another first and ALSO putting children first together is what spouses who are parents do.

 

I hope for the best for you and all of your family.  


ME&treehugger.gifHE... loving our: wild.gifdd(18) ~~violin.gifds(13) read.gifdd(13)~~ peace.gifdd(10)
 
 

littlest birds is offline  
#73 of 77 Old 07-18-2011, 07:37 PM
 
Logan's Mom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Posts: 1,421
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)

sorry I didn't read all the responses, but I couldn't help but not reply.  My major concern with your thought that you'd be willing to give up your parental rights should be made in a not so emotional state.  You sound like you are very rationale in handling this difficult blow, however, I still think giving up parental rights should be analyzed to death.  Another thought struck me like a hammer, your intent on having the baby 4-5 days a month in another state from the mother plus summers and every other holiday may be quite unreasonable.  What if she is nursing?  Would a judge really allow that type of arrangement?  I DEFINATELY would seek counsel from a highly regarded attorney who has delt with this type of thing (out of state custodial arrangements for an infant/toddler) within your court system.

 

Best of luck to you on such a difficult situation.  It doesn't sound like its easy for anyone involved, you, your wife, your daughters and eventually it will affect your son in the future.  I know I would always wonder why my father gave up parental rights (ie: perhaps rejected me) even if I had a loving "father" (your wife's potential new husband) especially if he has such a strong relationship with his daughters and grandson.  Furthermore, the spectulation that your wife would find a man who would take on her/your son as his own and would continue that role if they got a divorce would scare me.

 

It totally sucks to deal with the dynamics of divorce, especially when two families are involved.  *hugs*

Logan's Mom is offline  
#74 of 77 Old 07-19-2011, 05:50 AM - Thread Starter
 
fatherof3's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 23
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)


Quote:
Originally Posted by JenniferAndJack View Post

Hahaha.  This is what you get when you reach out to women.  Listen, I want to say one last thing before you lock this post & begin banging your head on the table (o:  You will clearly work this out.  Your reality today will not be your reality a year from now.  You're a super star dad & you know this because of how your children respond to you.  Take your calculated steps, define & solidify your goals then pull the trigger.  Pretty sure this is already your plan.  Hang in there my friend!

 

Much Love,

Jennifer


 

Thank you so much, Jennifer:)    I really appreciate your support and yes, I agree, it will all worked out:)

 

Much Love,

 

John
 

 

fatherof3 is offline  
#75 of 77 Old 07-19-2011, 05:57 AM - Thread Starter
 
fatherof3's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 23
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)



 

Quote:
Originally Posted by littlest birds View Post

I think you are on the right track, fatherof3.  I'm glad you got good information here.

 

I'm sorry that the flying posts are getting to you.  I think you need to PM an administrator to have a thread locked/removed.  You can also just drop out of the thread. You can just let people keep debating--and they will since it is an interesting situation and emotional--but you don't have to come back and participate.  Usually such things drift away from the original and the ladies keep talking to each other instead of the original person regardless, and completely new people will also notice and comment on the original after you feel it's all resolved.  I know it still feels personal but it's not really.

 

I agree with your conclusions.  I also don't think you should move to Atlanta because you are being forced.  You definitely should be expressing to your wife how important she is to you and how extremely important it is to you to know and love your son.  Say it.  A lot.  Make sure she knows that she is taking this child away from a father who desperately wants to be with his child.   That might not be clear right now to her yet if you aren't saying it and you have been only talking about logistics and were considering relinquishing rights.  She is breaking up your family--yours and hers--and I think you should make sure the emotional importance of her action is out on the table.  The abandonment is on her part, and you should try your best not to give consent to her abandonment.  You might try to convince her to stay until the baby is born.   

 

As the parent of a younger teen (who is not currently living at home), I fully sympathize with your unwillingness to leave the rest of your family behind even as young adults--and it's frightening that you might leave a stable job as well.   

 

This is not a question of you putting one or the other first.  She has simply opted out of making decisions for the whole family together with you, as they need to be made.  She isn't putting you first, and she isn't putting her child first.  Putting one another first and ALSO putting children first together is what spouses who are parents do.

 

I hope for the best for you and all of your family.  


 

Thank you:)

 

I made the mistake of going out to check the thread during a busy Monday at work when I was already fairly stressed - dumb of me.

 

The thread should continue, perhaps........it doesn't seem we have really anyone out there that has lived through this exact situation and perhaps it could help others in the future.

 

Thank you so much:)
 

 

fatherof3 is offline  
#76 of 77 Old 07-19-2011, 06:30 AM
 
beautifulmoon's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: East Coast
Posts: 78
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I've been thinking about your situation some more, trying to work out what the solution might be. None are good. But after some thought, it seems like moving right now just isn't workable. I'm not so worried about your grown daughters, but your means of offering stability and support to your wife and newborn son would be drastically undercut without a job. It just seems in that direction lies more chaos. I'm all for calculated risk (I recently quit my job and moved cross country to be with my boyfriend/partner), but here the calculus seems off, considering the job market and your wife's steadiness, etc.

 

But staying in St. Louis, you should do everything in your power to improve your relationship with the mother. That seems key to having a good relationship with the son, not to mention the possibility of saving the marriage and maybe getting her back to St. Louis for a few years or perhaps making the move to Atlanta seem less like a wild goose chase. The alcoholism seems worrisome, and something that's gotten lost in this exchange. Can you help her work through her issues? It seems much deeper than flightiness, and goes beyond this situation. (You said that she's been seeing a counselor who is sympathetic to her decision to move. Many counselors will do that, I think, regardless of the soundness of their client's choices--it's a way of offering validation and gaining trust before getting into the deeper work. The counselor may still be valuable. Maybe you could attend counseling with her, perhaps with a more neutral shrink, and with an eye towards working out her issues and how you've been a part of those issues, rather than towards making a decision to move or not? Some sort of therapy seems needed.)

 

Anyway, I think it would benefit most everyone involved if you make it less about your daughters. They need to understand that you have your own life, too--that's an essential part of growing up. And your wife needs to understand that your decision to stay in St. Louis isn't about your daughters vs. your son, but rather that it benefits her and the baby as well, just indirectly. Work on the relationship with your wife. She needs you more than anybody at this moment. And as you strengthen your relationship with your wife, you're much more likely to be able to come to a more informed, mutual decision about the future and your being together. And even if she ends up not being your wife, the investment will be the worth the relationship and access that you will be more likely to retain with your son.

 

Good luck, OP. I think it will all shake out in the end. Sometimes the right decision takes courage, and it feels like an impossibility, but you know when you've found the right one when suddenly a bit of your burden is lifted.

beautifulmoon is offline  
#77 of 77 Old 07-21-2011, 06:40 PM
 
goodygumdrops's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 1,783
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)


Quote:
Originally Posted by mimim View Post

Father of 3 is stating that the plan was for him and his wife to raise their new additions to the family in the place that they were currently living, at least for the first few years until he felt like his young adult children were fully independent, and his wife has now changed her mind and is not considering the other members of this family that she has married into in her decision making process. She has pulled a bait and switch on him. Pregnancy does make women more hormonal and self-protective, as it should, but that doesn't mean the world revolves around her. It really strikes me that the previous posts describe a woman who is considering only her own best interests and not those of her child or his father.

OP, I'm really sorry that you have such a tough decision to make and it's obvious that you will likely regret not taking a large role in this new child's life if you choose to do so. It must be difficult to deal with your lack of rights over what happens during this pregnancy.

 

I agree!!!
 

 


"Breastfeeding is a robust, biologically stable activity so central to our evolutionary identity that it names the class of animals to which we belong" (Breastfeeding Atlas, Third Edition)
goodygumdrops is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off