I was in love with a man who used me... - Mothering Forums

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Old 07-26-2011, 07:38 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Hi, I am single mother who has been separated now for 5 months.  I have a 11 month baby girl.  Im grateful to have found this forum, as I do not post at all to tell you the truth but I am reading posts almost every single day, since the day I left my now ex-husband.  I am still reading through many forums with similar topics, i find it that it helps me heal and check my head back to reality that why i left was a right decision.  You know how sometimes you s tart doubting yourself, maybe if I tried harder or said to him differently things would have changed for the better.  Then I read other women stories and I see sometimes myself in them or my ex.

 

 I have decided that I want to help other women  to get over their abusive and toxic relationship and best of all avoid them all together by writing a book sharing stories of women with similar experiences. 

 

I wanted to share with you my story first.  If you had similar experience or have been in such a relationship where a man depletes your finances please share

 

I met my ex 6 years ago, in my first year of university.  At the time I was seeing someone else, so we have not started dating until 4th year.  During two years before we started dating we saw each other at university, he tried everything to try to convince me to go out with him.  I have to admit i really liked him, since he was and is handsome guy. He stood out from everyone else, he always dressed nice in business attire  and had this look of “i am a busy business man”. Girls paid attention to him, i can’t blame them since he looked like he walked out from GQ cover.  I can’t lie I was very attracted to him, but in my head I was saying he is a such a playboy, and I even told him when he said I had most beautiful eyes that he probably tells it to every girl! So i did not take him seriously or his compliments (rolling eyes inside my head) as I thought that i could never trust that he has serious intentions or be loyal. 

Fast forward to the 4th year, when I broke up with then my boyfriend of 4 years.  I started to enjoy single life, going out, but I wasn’t interested in keeping that lifestyle for long.  Because first of all that I am a relationships girl and a homebody.  

 

One fall day I was running late for class when I met now X on the bridge to college.  It was like in a movie, light snow started falling, I could see his big smile from the distance as he was walking towards me.  He said that he was waiting for me every day in the cafeteria for 3 hours.   He walked me to class and on the way there he was saying how I should give him a chance etc... I thought that he looked and all the things he said to me sounded sincere,  so i told him “you want to ask me for coffee?”  .

 

Three years later, when he went to work I packed quickly all my stuff and baby stuff from our house and left.   I got to the point where there was no need to talk to him or say good bye.  I could not live no longer where he would get mad at me and not talk to me because the dishes were not done or the laundry is still sitting unfolded in the basement.  I told him I have a 5 month old baby, I am all alone in the house, his mom who lives close by does not help me.  She comes over and I have to cater to her, bring her tea, offer something to eat.  My parents live too far.  I have to cook with one hand and hold the baby in the other.  I say i am tired, and he says “well other women do it so can you”, yes they can but they probably have husbands who do not emotionally rape them.  Then he started saying all the time that he is the man of the house so what he says will be.  I argued with him on that, but that just resulted in cold shoulder treatment, until i came over and apologized! For what!?

 

I have been paying my equal share since we started to live together.  I paid for the rent and groceries as I thought  that’s how it should be, we are building a family.   So i went to work, worked 40 hours a week, came home, cooked dinner, cleaned up, laundry.  Then when I went on mat leave i still paid for half and more for everything from my benefits.  And all i got in return was that I don’t try hard enough,  that I don’t love him enough,  i don’t show how I love him enough, that “look Daria is showing so much love for Mike and you are sitting here without any enthusiasm” (this is while i prepared the dinner, set the table, being a hostess and catering to him and his friends, its still not enough!!!).  I think he was trying to beat my self esteem down, so he can be in total control.

 

By the end i have gave him thousands of dollars for his ventures (he is self-employed), I had no savings left.   When i stopped giving him money for my share, emotional abuse escalated.  Now i can give him a diagnosis of Narcisisstic Personalitiy disorder and all the symptoms that go with it fit him perfectly.

 

And here I am three years later, battling with him over separation agreement, not over a daughter but how much money he doesn’t want to pay.   In the end I found out that he was making over 100k while we were together. I don’t know where that money went, since we lived very average.  He never shared his financial info with me and in retrospect I should have questioned it more.  

 

So in the end after such a long story the point of this story is that he completely used me for all that i have, emotionally, physically, sexually and financially.  And I stayed until my pink glasses slowly came off.  Then  I saw that he is arrogant, self-fish, he created this great persona that he is Donald Trump but doesn’t have anything to show for it. Nobody likes him, it was just me who thought that he was maybe misunderstood.  He hid his true self under a beautiful fake Picasso canvas. I feel that I was seduced in the beginning with the flowers, trips, gifts etc..until I became his and then when i became his wife and a mother see above! 

Sorry if this was too long, There are much more detaitls and i would have written even more... If you are interested to have your story printed in the book,  please share your stories of husband boyfriend users/moochers/abusers.   And hopefully we can support each other and save others and ourselves from these type of men.

 

P.s I still believe and i know that there are good men out there;)

 

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Old 07-31-2011, 11:13 PM
 
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Hi,

 

What to say?  I know your pain.  I was married for 12 years to a handsome, smooth-talking guy.  My divorce was final in February, the 14th. (There are funny people at the court house!)

 

When we met I was successful in my chosen field, winning awards for my work.  I had savings.  Now, I am in deep debt with two kids & panicked trying to figure things out.

 

So, I hear you on the being depleted of your finances & every other resource.  Some men are not cut-out to be partners, they want to be the boss & no matter how ill-advised their ideas...they'll be the boss as they drive you & the whole family off a cliff.  Be glad & proud you got out of the car.

 

I do need to say that on my part, I bought into what he was selling me.  I believed what I wanted to believe.  I believed I'd found someone who was fun to be with, totally attractive, honest, responsible & would do me no harm.   I'm much wiser now, sadder too....but, I'll get over it.  Eventually.

 

I wish I could take some of my choices & time back, but what I know now is really valuable to know about myself & about love relationships.  Also, I have full-custody of two awesome kids.  If I skipped over this whole chapter, they may never have been.

 

It will take time to re-build your life.  But, you will do it.  You are that strong.

 

Love & Peace.

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Old 08-01-2011, 08:23 AM
 
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All very well said!

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by newmomlearning View Post

Hi,

 

What to say?  I know your pain.  I was married for 12 years to a handsome, smooth-talking guy.  My divorce was final in February, the 14th. (There are funny people at the court house!)

 

When we met I was successful in my chosen field, winning awards for my work.  I had savings.  Now, I am in deep debt with two kids & panicked trying to figure things out.

 

So, I hear you on the being depleted of your finances & every other resource.  Some men are not cut-out to be partners, they want to be the boss & no matter how ill-advised their ideas...they'll be the boss as they drive you & the whole family off a cliff.  Be glad & proud you got out of the car.

 

I do need to say that on my part, I bought into what he was selling me.  I believed what I wanted to believe.  I believed I'd found someone who was fun to be with, totally attractive, honest, responsible & would do me no harm.   I'm much wiser now, sadder too....but, I'll get over it.  Eventually.

 

I wish I could take some of my choices & time back, but what I know now is really valuable to know about myself & about love relationships.  Also, I have full-custody of two awesome kids.  If I skipped over this whole chapter, they may never have been.

 

It will take time to re-build your life.  But, you will do it.  You are that strong.

 

Love & Peace.



 

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Old 08-02-2011, 08:16 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by newmomlearning View Post

Hi,

 

What to say?  I know your pain.  I was married for 12 years to a handsome, smooth-talking guy.  My divorce was final in February, the 14th. (There are funny people at the court house!)

 

When we met I was successful in my chosen field, winning awards for my work.  I had savings.  Now, I am in deep debt with two kids & panicked trying to figure things out.

 

So, I hear you on the being depleted of your finances & every other resource.  Some men are not cut-out to be partners, they want to be the boss & no matter how ill-advised their ideas...they'll be the boss as they drive you & the whole family off a cliff.  Be glad & proud you got out of the car.

 

I do need to say that on my part, I bought into what he was selling me.  I believed what I wanted to believe.  I believed I'd found someone who was fun to be with, totally attractive, honest, responsible & would do me no harm.   I'm much wiser now, sadder too....but, I'll get over it.  Eventually.

 

I wish I could take some of my choices & time back, but what I know now is really valuable to know about myself & about love relationships.  Also, I have full-custody of two awesome kids.  If I skipped over this whole chapter, they may never have been.

 

It will take time to re-build your life.  But, you will do it.  You are that strong.

 

Love & Peace.


Ditto that!

 

Good luck on your healing journey. I could have written a lot of what you wrote.

 


K. Michelle ~ Single, working (and still homeschooling) Mama to dd (S) 8/02 and ds (A) 9/07
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Old 08-02-2011, 06:58 PM
 
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Been there. Was married to an ex-con, professional frauder, pathological liar, alcoholic, drug user/seller, emotional/psychological abuser and all-around mentally unwell "man". He took me for all the money I had, got us both into debt, and regularly threatened me. Thank goodness my eyes opened the minute he threatened me in the presence of my DD.

 

The rest is history.

 

Good luck on your journey!

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Old 08-02-2011, 07:23 PM
 
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Forsanda,

 

Thank you.  Think I'm feeling a bit of healing from the nice things you & MissLotus wrote.

 

: ).

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