so, i am going to give a very brief history, but was curious to other's people's opinions on the issue. i am about to have a baby ::squee:: super exciting. can't wait to meet this little bean! the baby's papa was not excited in the moment we found out, as he had already decided to move across the country to be closer to his other kiddos (he is not the father to my older girls, so i have been in the single parenting business for quite some time, and have quite the independence complex. )
we have been talking while he's been out east, which is a challenge as he doesn't have a phone for me to call, so i have to rely on him calling me. there have been some lapses. what we have figured out is that he does want to play a role in baby's life, and we are doing what we can to make that feasible. it might end up with me moving in that direction, as my older girls have a ton of siblings out east that i want them to be able to know. it's not all about him, or even compromising what i want....i love many things about where i live, but am nomadic at heart. and there is no where to have horses where i am! i promised my girls that our next move would have beach or horses.
my issue i am grappling with is.....he wants to be a part of the naming baby process, and i feel really guarded there. i have always been solo by the time it came to naming babies, and i do a lot of reflection and meditation, trying to connect to baby and figure out who they are, and what kind of name they need to serve them in this life. i have never even told anyone a name i was thinking of....when i finally met baby, that is when i would try the name on for sure and share with others. i feel like i have to meet baby and look at them before i tell other people who i think they are. hopefully this makes sense, and not to far out there. for the record i have never named a baby sunflower stardust, though i cast no judgements on folks who do/have/will. i also would never name a baby jennifer or betty or bob or nicolas. my kids also do not share a surname with anyone- they have their own. i just believe people should have their own, meaningful names.
do i let him in? clearly, it will be an issue brought up in the future if i don't, which i feel willing to deal with. from where i stand, i feel like i want to hear his ideas without revealing my own. is that fair? then ideally i would feel out if they flowed with baby, and with the names i have been holding for some time. it also feels like a matter of investment to me. he has been away, distant, and adverse to the idea of baby in the beginning. now that he has decided to be involved, his investment is still pretty null---- when he calls, it takes a lot to get the conversation onto the topic of baby. i feel like i have a lot more energy and love put into baby, and why should i let someone who is less interested, less invested, play such a major role in naming? i also realize that some of the investment differences are gender based---- a lot of men have a hard time connecting to their unborn children, even when they are in contact with the mama everyday (like, you know, a couple...). am i being unyielding? shouldn't i be? i think his major qualms are that i will name the baby something really far out there. he teases me about this all the time. i think the fear is unfounded. he knows my other kiddos names. i feel like i have been putting energy into the baby naming for a long time.......and now that we are getting close to the end, he wants a say. which i am not adverse to him putting his suggestions out there, i just don't feel compelled to compromise. what do you think, mamas?
so...not as brief as i wanted to be, but any thoughts or opinions?
single, scholar, childbirth advocate mama + two lively, rambunctious, beautiful, insightful and whoa-spirited dds, 4.5 and 8. + a sweet chunky boy born august 7, 2011! + .....our sweet old lady dog, 10 years young. = one full cup
I think you can hear his suggestions. Obviously, as he doesn't have a number where you can reach him you aren't going to be able to consult him at the moment of the final decision, but in the spirit of welcoming his connection to this new life, you can hear his ideas while you are in your thought process.
Considering what your gut instinct is telling you, and considering the fact that his involvement in baby's life is..undefined as of yet, I'd vote "no". If you do "let him in", you may end up regretting it later on, especially considering how important baby naming is to you.
I'd maaaabye entertain suggestions for a middle name. Maybe. But then, I hardly let DH have any say what we name our babies as is, and we're stuck together like glue. In my heart of hearts, I totally think dads can make suggestions, but that moms should get the final say.
To make some long stories very short, I have been in this situation twice now.
Last time I didn't even consider the name options that the "dad" wanted. I have never regretted it one bit. The guy was a tool and did not deserve any consideration in that regard.
This time I am compromising and giving this dad the middle and last name picks. He has pretty much earned it, but it still makes me kind of sick. In the end, I know I will end up single parenting this kid someday. And I do not like the middle or last name that he chose for her (don't hate them, but I don't like them either). He is living with me though, helping me out financially, and seems to be excited about having a baby. Plus it's his first, and will probably be his only child. So that's why I caved this time.
My advice is to just name the baby what you want. Maybe consider his ideas as middle names or something. Shoot, you could add the name he wants as a second middle name. That way it's in there, but not all that important or predominate yk? You seem pretty sure that you will be mostly alone in raising this baby. And from my experience, that gives you the right to name the baby as you see fit.
Melaya (29) - Mom to Z (9) and soon to be I (due Nov 2013)
Birth mom to M (7), O (5), & C (2).
You and I are totally on the same level with names! I just don't think it's possible to really fully name a child of mine until I meet them outside of the womb. I've honestly never understood the concept of naming a child before they came out, didn't even understand it with pets; I had to meet them first. I had no idea what DS's would be until he came out, and then it just fit, and it ended up being one that was mentioned a couple times and I refused to use. Haha. With DD, we didn't find out her gender until the birth but I just *knew* she was a girl, and her name kept popping up in my head...I just thought it was "okay" at first but I couldn't get it out of my head, so I realized that if she was a girl then it must be her picking her own name! But I didn't share it with anyone until after she was born. The only thing I do differently is the last name. I do love how you do it, but I went with my last name for both of them (it's an extremely uncommon name, especially with the way we capitalize it).
Anyway.... so, here's what I did. DS's father split altogether after a couple months into the pregnancy, so it was never an issue. DD's father semi-split a few months into the pregnancy but never totally disappeared like DS's biodad. However, I decided pretty quickly that, unless he was going to be 100% involved (and he wasn't), that the name was mine to decide (or, rather, DD's to decide). I would rather look at it later and go, "Hmm, too bad I didn't let him have a part in it," than, "I can't believe I gave her that stupid flippin' name/his last name instead of mine!"
So, that's what I did. And I think I can say if I were in your shoes I'd do the same again...let the baby pick his/her name! Not only is he not really involved hardly, but he's also not physically there, so how on earth would he get any vibes as to what baby is anyway? Pretty sure those vibes don't go through the phone... lol
Best of luck, mama!!!
- E . Single mom to DS E (15.12.05), T (reincarnated 18.04.08) and DD A (11.02.11) and Hoppy
I thought that for a moment and then ex gave his one and only name suggestion.... Fortunella. (Sorry if anyone named their kids that, to each their own, it's just way too out there for me.)
- E . Single mom to DS E (15.12.05), T (reincarnated 18.04.08) and DD A (11.02.11) and Hoppy
Well, I happen to LOVE the name Fortunella!!
Just kidding... that's hilarious.
Ex had no say in our second child's name, since he ran off before DD was born. I gave DD his last name and thought that was enough. I gave her my maiden name as her middle name. I did tell Ex DD's name before I told anyone else. I thought that was courtesy enough.
DS 2008, DD 2010, DS 2013
I've always thought that it must be really hard to be a dad. They know that, ultamitly, we dont need them and dont HAVE to include them. That must be really hard for them. And I can see where itd be really hard to bond with a child, when they really dont know how much we're going to LET them. That being said, my boyfriend told me that he cant afford to help me at all with this baby (my fourth, and his fourth, out only together) but he wants to have a HUGE say in the naming process right down to the spelling. I thought about it for a day and then told him to go f himself that if IM paying for this baby than IM NAMING HIM!!! My first two kids came to me in a dream the week before they were born and told me what their name was and I incorporated it into their name (wasnt happy w ds. I really didnt WANT to name him after my dad) My youngest wouldnt even tell me for sure if she were a boy or girl, so she's stuck with the beautiful name exdh and I came up with. Allen has told me he's a boy and the name feels right. So that's his name. And pooh on bf if he doesnt like it.
GOOD LUCK!!! This is SUCH a tricky, sensitive issue. *hugs*
Hmm I guess I'd hear his suggestions but that's it. You get to decide the name. My baby's father was excited when I first told him and I was trying to keep him involved in knowing when doc appts where and all that. He lapsed out on me and I didn't talk to him again until I contacted him after she was born (I named her). He then discusses getting the dna test for about two weeks before deciding to say that he never wanted another kid and won't have anything to do with her so I'm definitely glad I didn't involve him in that process. She's my baby and I named her what I wanted.
Michelle mom to DD , DS , & lil DD and spending my days
I agree with most, I'd hear his suggestions but that's as nice as I'd get. I'm doing the same thing with my baby daddy. He thinks this is a 'team effort' the hell it is! He donated the sperm that's his involvement. I'm carrying the child, doing everything for the child (although she's not born yet (:) and I pay for EVERYTHING. Vitamins, stuff, MEDICAL bills, and he thinks he has the nerve to think he has some say? PLEASE! And as far as his last name, hell no, she'll have mine. He needs to earn that title and he hasn't and very likely won't.
Phew sorry about that. But that feels good, lol (:
Kaitlyn - 21, single mother to an adorable baby girl born 1/18/2012 (:
I would hear his suggestions. But one thing that you do need to understand is that if the father insists on the baby having his last name, chances are a court will order it if the father asks for court intervention.