August Heat - Is your Dating Life Scorching? Spill it! - Dating Thread! - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 69 Old 08-03-2011, 03:29 PM - Thread Starter
 
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For those of you stuck in bad/wrong relationship funks or deliberating breaking out of funky situations, what would you tell a grown daughter to do if it was her life and she was in the same situation?

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#2 of 69 Old 08-03-2011, 05:46 PM
 
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I am single and trying to find myself, my purpose, love, and something beyond children to call my own. I would tell my daughters, if they were in my position, to be open, hopeful, and to never be afraid to take a leap of faith. I would tell them to keep putting one foot in front of another. I would warn them of the downward spiral of negativity, and that happiness comes from inside of you. I would assure them that they will find what they are looking for, if they do these things, but that that probably won't look like what they think it will look like, and it will happen in it's own good time. I would remind them, gently, to not forget that, while it's necessary to have future goals, the future is happening now, and to try to enjoy as much as they can of this short life. Whoowee, I sure am wise. I must be getting old, lol! 


Happiness despite misery is a great victory, I think...

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#3 of 69 Old 08-03-2011, 07:32 PM
 
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Hmm. I dunno what I'd tell my daughter. I hope to help her grow up to have a better self-esteem than I do, so she naturally avoids many of the situations I've put myself in.


And speaking of situations, I have a doozy....

I had been communicating with a guy on OkC. Seemed cute and smart, my type, etc, and things aren't really going well with the guy I've been seeing lately, so we went out last night and had drinks. He walked me home through the park and we kissed some. It was a really nice time, not super super sparkly and shiny or anything, but good. And then I checked my email when I got home and I had a few OkC emails, one of which was from him. Huh? What? He couldn't have emailed me when we were strolling through the park together, could he?!!!?!?
Can you guess?






That's right, it was his WIFE who emailed me from his account. She was very polite and told me that she had found out that night because he had left his profile logged in and OkC in the browser history on his home computer.

Boy do I feel guilty, although I had no idea and it clearly wasn't my fault at all. I'm glad she caught him before things went further. Guess he wasn't so smart afterall.

Rainbow.gif ~ Molly
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#4 of 69 Old 08-03-2011, 08:28 PM
 
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BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That is great Molly! (Only because you weren't any further into things with this guy.)  I think this is all so much fun! I don't have fun stories like that to tell though. What a doozie!

 

I'm on OkC too and I like it a lot. I actually closed my match account even though I had 3 months left. Just wasn't feeling it there and found myself annoyed at the boring people. 

 

Anyway- I decided recently that what I feel has been missing with the last few guys I've met has been laughs! I want a guy with a smart sense of humor. So I started only looking for guys who described themselves as funny or said they were really good at: making people laugh. Well omg I found this guy who's cute and my age and whose profile was hysterical! He didn't just say he was funny- he WAS funny. I would copy and paste here if you're interested in a good laugh.

 

So I messaged him and said "2 bad ur not in 2 casual sex. I don't date smokers." (joke) Which started this week long back and forth of silly banter. He is hilarious and I have held my own- so he thinks I am hilarious- lol. And we're going to meet on Friday. And I'm so excited because this feeling I've had all week is the one I was hoping to feel when I met someone. But I'm nervous too- because this week has been so much fun- and if we meet and don't hit it off the fun is over!! lol I do have to say I don't know a heck of a lot about him because we've spent so much time goofing around instead of talking about ourselves.

 

And I still have Bad Boy on the back burner. We've had lots of discussion and things have gone back and forth. But I am ready to say goodbye (even if things don't go well with funny guy) and I feel terrible because I know he's going to be hurt. Even though he's known where we stood from the start. I helped him rewrite his terribly negative "poor me" profile this week in hopes that things would look up for him. But so far nothing according to him.

 

Anyway- excited- nervous- and difficult discussion ahead . . . .

 

How is everyone else doing?

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#5 of 69 Old 08-04-2011, 03:18 AM - Thread Starter
 
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 I do have to say I don't know a heck of a lot about him because we've spent so much time goofing around instead of talking about ourselves.

 

 

How is everyone else doing?


I think that' a plus. Spilling too much via email letters back and forth before meeting can mean awkward silences on a first date when you realize you don't have too much to talk about that hasn't already been Q&A'd back and forth online and that isn't too personal and intimate to share on a first live meeting!  So, thumbs up.

 

I am blissful in my relationship.  I am happy I get to drop the fear that has been surrounding my heart, that perhaps he isn't thinking that I am the one, and that maybe this will end, and maybe it isn't as special for him as it is for me.  He told me for months that I should not feel insecure or worry about those kinds of things, but never gave me a reason so I didn't believe him.  Now I have my reasons, and they feel great.  I want to wear a ring that symbolizes the loving connection and commitment I already feel thrilled about having with him, every second, but I'm trying to be patient about any sort of marriage proposal.   

 

He does humor my obsession (via texts and email communication) with looking at big family homes that would suit his needs and mine and my kids' and leave room for our future kids.  He even spent hours the other night after my kids were asleep looking at homes online with me.  I would love to move forward with that project, but we haven't spoken of specifics (timing, budget, etc) yet, just window shopping for the moment.  I have to own my home another year before I could sell it without major tax penalties, so I would like to be able to know whether he wants to postpone moving things more serious for another year or if we could maybe speed things just on his savings and selling his home, and then rent my place out and sell it later on to get the equity out of this home.  But anyway these are not dating issues.  Sorry to ramble.

 

Molly oh my god that's hilarious!  That's never happened to me but I've had my share of weird stories!

 

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#6 of 69 Old 08-04-2011, 08:10 AM
 
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Turtle, I can't stand match either. I tried doing their free trials a couple of times, but it's snoreville. OkC is by far the best dating site I've tried and I've tried them all. I've been doing online dating off and on for several years now and I've learned to go on first dates with zero expectations. There is no way to tell if you will have chemistry without meeting in person. That said, I hope your new funny guy is awesome!!

Butterfly, I am so so happy for you! I was so afraid that you were right about Cucumber not appreciating you, but I'm glad that he's smart enough to know how great you are.


As for the married guy story, it got even better. He emailed me last night with several points: 1) He apologized for his wife's behavior, but not his own bigeyes.gif 2) He is closing his account as this incident has "opened new channels of communication for them", 3) He gushed about how smart and beautiful I am and will contact me if he winds up divorced. ROTFLMAO.gif What. a. douchebag. I didn't really think it was funny until I got that message, which I have no intention of responding to.

My friend is convinced that this is all a sham and it's just a kinky game that the two of them play, but if so, they pulled the trigger too soon. It's not the most likely explanation in my view, but it wouldn't be all that surprising. It can take a lot to keep the fire burning after years and years of being together.
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Rainbow.gif ~ Molly
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#7 of 69 Old 08-04-2011, 12:56 PM
 
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Mimim, that's pretty hilarious. I see two possibilities: 1, the guy is a cheating narcissist, or 2, they're both whack and playing a game. Quite frankly, the second possibility is way worse, in my mind. I have nothing against poly setups, but especially when the structure gets murky, I think it's crucially  important to be honest and ethical. I have a pretty colorful past, but I never scammed my way into anyone's bed.

Maya, I'm thinking of you. You were a super strong lady to call it off when you did. I know it must be insanely painful, but it sounds like you made the right choice.

Butterfly, that's great. I'm really happy for you. Put a ring on it.

As for me ... still really in love with the Incredibly Nice Guy. We were on a fabulous vacation and had to rush back halfway through due to my ex's utter loserdom. It was really disappointing on a whole lot of levels, but the one silver lining was that the shitty situation really showed my boyfriend's character. His vacation was basically ruined by my loser babydaddy, and we were both disappointed of course, but the whole way through he was totally supportive of me. He was never crabby or mean, never blamed me, and was just there for me. He could have let me go back on my own and he chose to come home with me. He's a man with a ton of integrity and character and I appreciate that so much about him. I had this realization last night -- I've been disappointed by the words that he's said before, because there have been times when I've wanted him to promise me the moon and the stars, and he hasn't. But I realized, I've never once been disappointed by his actions. Every promise he's made to me, he's kept, and he's never promised something he couldn't follow through on. That's a 180 from some of my previous boyfriends, who have known all the words to say, but then never followed through with actions.

We've been talking about marriage some. He's said a bunch of times that he does want to be married again and have a family (he's divorced, no kids). The gist is we could envision a life together but it's still a bit early to make that decision. I know he realizes what a big responsibility marriage and fatherhood is, and he takes that really seriously. There's a part of me that wishes he would rush and propose to me already 10 months into our relationship, but I'm really comfortable with the pace we're on. We've really been enjoying each other lately. He tells me all the time that he loves me, respects me, thinks I'm a great mother, all that. So yeah. I'm really happy with him.

 

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#8 of 69 Old 08-04-2011, 07:53 PM
 
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Well an interesting development- NOT as great a story as Molly's but still kind of funny.

 

Found out today that Funny guy is the parent of a former student!!  I had never met this student's father- only mom. He told me his last name and address a couple of days ago in case I wanted to do a background check- his idea not mine. I guess people do this? Anyway- I thought - oh I had a student once with that last name. But this guy lives in a different STATE than where I taught! I thought what are the chances they could be related? Maybe an uncle or something. Didn't ask. Then he mentioned his son last night and I asked how old- he said 13- I count back- yeah the age could be right. Still I thought- no way. Then today he says his kids are jewish. And I asked his son's name. Holy cow! It's him!

 

Puts an interesting twist on things!  It was awkward for an hour or two but by tonight we were messaging like it was nothing. I haven't even heard the man's voice. Neither of us are huge fans of the phone. So I meet him tomorrow night!

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#9 of 69 Old 08-05-2011, 11:18 AM
 
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Hi mamas. I'm here, but just reading your adventures while I nurse my wounds for a bit. Having a bit of trouble with silly things reminding me of *him* and then realizing (painfully) that we're not together and that I initiated the break up. Oh well. Life goes on. Saxman wrote me an email, a final one, explaining that he was giving me the first copy of his new CD, with all the pics I took of him and the band while in the studio decorating the inner sleeve...in his email, he basically said he was starting to see the wisdom of my decision and thanked me. Lucky me, I get to the strong one.

 

Anyhow...I think I'll self impose a good year of nothingness before I even consider going out with anyone again. Seems I won't have trouble with that because I am apparently invisble to men around me.

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Hi mamas. I'm here, but just reading your adventures while I nurse my wounds for a bit. Having a bit of trouble with silly things reminding me of *him* and then realizing (painfully) that we're not together and that I initiated the break up. Oh well. Life goes on. Saxman wrote me an email, a final one, explaining that he was giving me the first copy of his new CD, with all the pics I took of him and the band while in the studio decorating the inner sleeve...in his email, he basically said he was starting to see the wisdom of my decision and thanked me. Lucky me, I get to the strong one.

 

Anyhow...I think I'll self impose a good year of nothingness before I even consider going out with anyone again. Seems I won't have trouble with that because I am apparently invisble to men around me.



I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. But seriously, it took incredible strength to do the painful right thing, and you did it. And as much as it hurts and as much as you're grieving, I'm really proud of you for that. I think a few years ago, you might not have thought you were worth it to take a stand for what you need and deserve. It doesn't make him a bad person if he can't give that to you, but it's worth it to you to hold out for someone who can. I'm thinking of you and really feeling your pain.

Waiting a year could be a really sensible move. But it seems like you have come so far in your path of healing. If something or someone does come along, and it feels right, maybe you can gently give it a shot.

Just for the record, for the benefit of those who aren't FB friends with you, you're literally model-pretty, and smart, and strong, and kind, and overall an amazing catch.

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#11 of 69 Old 08-05-2011, 01:45 PM
 
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Hi mamas. I'm here, but just reading your adventures while I nurse my wounds for a bit. Having a bit of trouble with silly things reminding me of *him* and then realizing (painfully) that we're not together and that I initiated the break up. Oh well. Life goes on. Saxman wrote me an email, a final one, explaining that he was giving me the first copy of his new CD, with all the pics I took of him and the band while in the studio decorating the inner sleeve...in his email, he basically said he was starting to see the wisdom of my decision and thanked me. Lucky me, I get to the strong one.

 

Anyhow...I think I'll self impose a good year of nothingness before I even consider going out with anyone again. Seems I won't have trouble with that because I am apparently invisble to men around me.

 

I too think that took great strength. There is a book about this that helped me called Temptations of the Single Girl. It's half relationship advice book and have fictional story. Basically she meets all sorts of guys and even one proposes but they are not really what she wanted so she keeps searching. In the end her life looks great.

 

Everyone is having a lot of funny situations. Several months ago two men actually texted suggestive photos of themselves to me for no reason. I never asked for them or anything. That's probably my most funny moment of the last year. The girls we joking... "I didn't know guys actually behaved Weiner. Eww. Why would think think we like it for anything more than a laugh."

 

I'm still seeing funny guy. He's volunteered to walk and feed my new dog (who refuses to use the litter box my old one used) for me so I only need to do it once a day and can spend more time with dd. In a lot of ways he's a great guy and is always there for me, keeps his promises, etc. I love spending time with a guy where it's not all about him. He's not moody. He's funny. etc. This week I've been pretty upset at him though. We had a discussion/borderline arguement on Sunday and it's not the topic itself that bothered me. I told him the way you apprached this conversation made me feel defensive so in turn I responded in a very stubborn manner. I got called "sensitive" and he said nothing like he would try to approach things differently next time, etc. For those who don't remember he came up a few pet names I didn't like and he also called me sensitive there. I think I'm seeing a pattern starting to emerge and it's one I would tolerate in some cases but it's not one I want to tolerate in a guy I'm dating.

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#12 of 69 Old 08-07-2011, 07:52 AM
 
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OK- so I met funny guy and well . . . . . no. He's funny. And a really good cook. And he makes his own wine- which I drank a fair amount of and it was delicious. And he lives on a lake which was beautiful.  But . . . . no. You were right about the chemistry thing Molly.

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#13 of 69 Old 08-07-2011, 07:54 PM
 
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Well I feel like an idiot. I posted a really cute ad on craigslist that apparently came off like a plea for a sugar daddy. Does anyone else use craigslist? I got about 8 replies in one day, before it was pulled, but man every time I post an ad it gets flagged, or doesn't post, or something. And now I'm wondering if everyone who replied read it the same way. I feel stupid.


Happiness despite misery is a great victory, I think...

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#14 of 69 Old 08-08-2011, 07:28 AM
 
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 I got called "sensitive" and he said nothing like he would try to approach things differently next time, etc. For those who don't remember he came up a few pet names I didn't like and he also called me sensitive there. I think I'm seeing a pattern starting to emerge and it's one I would tolerate in some cases but it's not one I want to tolerate in a guy I'm dating.


Good. I am a sensitive person and know that well about myself. The implication though is that you are "overly sensitive" and becomes a way to deflect issues and make it your problem. If he is being insensitive it puts it off on you. Have you read Elaine Aron's work about sensitivity? Google "highly sensitive people" and do some reading to see if it fits you. 

 

I'm glad you are keeping an eye on it. If you are an HSP, it may help you and possibly him to embrace the strengths of being highly sensitive. If it continues, I agree it is a red flag. 

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Good. I am a sensitive person and know that well about myself. The implication though is that you are "overly sensitive" and becomes a way to deflect issues and make it your problem. If he is being insensitive it puts it off on you. Have you read Elaine Aron's work about sensitivity? Google "highly sensitive people" and do some reading to see if it fits you. 

 

I'm glad you are keeping an eye on it. If you are an HSP, it may help you and possibly him to embrace the strengths of being highly sensitive. If it continues, I agree it is a red flag. 



Thanks! I'll take a look into it. Glad to hear I'm not the only one to take it as a possible red flag. It felt like deflection to me. I know enough now that I want someone who is interesting in solving problems with me and not blaming, deflecting, pretending they don't exist, etc.

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#16 of 69 Old 08-08-2011, 07:16 PM
 
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I don't post much but I enjoy keeping up with all the Single Parenting threads...

 

Dating has been so...weird. I don't know what I would tell my daughter. My hope is that she will make different choices than I have and have a little bit more self-confidence and esteem. 

 

I have been dating K for maybe 3-4 months, casually. He and I have known each other about 10 years but after I'd been separated a while he told me he has had feelings for me for a long time. I told him I didn't mind hanging out more and seeing how things went. I think he's a great guy and I like him a lot, but I'm fairly certain that there is no serious/long-term interest there for me. He is 13 yrs older than me, which isn't a big deal, but affects things in that he is feeling ready to settle down and has never been married and has been a bachelor for a looooong time (he's 42). He's been in a few serious/live-in relationships but has also spent a lot of time single. I like lots of things about him but I just don't feel like I want to be in a serious relationship. I don't want to call him my boyfriend. I don't want my kids to think of him as anything more than a friend who hangs out sometimes (but not often). He spent many years being a very heavy drinker and his circle of friends is very different than mine. He is really making a lot of effort (not for me) to change his life in a lot of ways (get out of the job he hates, stop drinking so much, be more positive, eat healthier, etc) and I think that's all great, but I would have to see a lot of sustained difference for it to make me want something more official. I just don't feel as emotionally motivated into relationships anymore. Of course I need to like/be attracted to and eventually love anyone I choose to be serious with, but there are also more practical considerations now (I have two small children) and along with great chemistry I also want someone who is financially stable and takes good care of themselves, along with having some passion, vision, etc for their life. 

 

The great thing is that I feel no desire to change him. In the past I would just sort of jump into a "commitment" with whoever was cute and showed an interest in me, and then proceed to try to mold them into their Better Self or my Perfect Man. Fail. I did that in my marriage for 5 years (and my XH did his share of dysfunctional, controlling things) and clearly, it was a no go. I have done a lot of work since we separated (almost a year now) and I can see the changes manifesting, which is so encouraging even if I know there is a lot of work yet to do. I can hang out with K and like him and know he's a good guy, and yet also know what I want from a relationship and not feel like I want to pressure K to "become" what I want. 

 

I know that *I* am not in a place yet to even easily attract the type of man I want to have a relationship with, so that's also a good meter of where I am. Am *I* doing those things: being financially stable, taking good care of myself, meeting/creating goals for myself and exploring my passions/vision for my life? Getting there, but not yet. 

 

And what's with the older men? I am 29 and the other day a 57 year old man asked me out on a date. He is newly divorced after being married 40 yrs and having 10 children. Two of his daughters used to babysit me!! It's a little awkward, needless to say. But at the same time, before I knew he was going to ask me out, I was commiserating about getting back into dating and encouraging him to ask people out even if they were younger--I totally thought I was being hypothetical, but then it became clear he was flirting with ME specifically. So. I had given all this lip service to "age not mattering" and about finding compatibility with individuals regardless of age differences (since he was saying he was interested but nervous about dating younger women), and I felt like it would be a little hypocritical if, after all that, I say "No way, you're too old for me!" So i said I'd go on a date with him. He is very attractive and in good shape and is very interesting--if he were 20 years younger I would be REALLY excited about it. I would love to say age truly doesn't matter, but I can't imagine being only 50 years old and having a partner who is 78. It just seems like there would be a whole lot of caretaking in my future and not a lot of the type of life I envision for myself when my kids are older--namely, enjoying life and exploring hobbies and traveling with someone who is a good match for those things. Of course, any number of things could happen that could get in the way of that, not only someone's age, so I guess it's not everything. But ah. Just never thought I'd be being approached by men as old as my dad. I guess they're not scared off by single mothers like I think many men my age are/would be. 

 

Mmmm even if no one gets through this I'm grateful to have a place to vent/blab a little about my thoughts about this whole adult-dating experience. I never really dated as an adult until now, just had relationship after relationship and then got married. I feel like a teenager in a lot of ways, just figuring it out. Kind of fun, but sometimes just feels like silly drama. It's pretty amusing, at least. And the sex is better than when I was 17, that's for sure. 2whistle.gif

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#17 of 69 Old 08-11-2011, 04:25 PM
 
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chicaalgre, his kids used to babysit you and he asked you out? Yuck. Creeper.

When I stop to think about my dating schedule, my head spins...

I broke things off with the guy I'd hung out with a bunch of times in the last month-ish whose work schedule was so full that we barely could find time to be together once my limited free time was factored in. We also had incompatible sex drives. I asked him if we could be friends, but he avoided my question and just wanted to keep explaining how I shouldn't take his low sex drive personally, although that was just a side issue. So I let him fade away. I have several other things brewing, but I'm pessimistic about them all.

It occurred to me today that so far this year, I have dated at least one guy who was born on each continent, except Australia and Antarctica. I didn't do that on purpose, but now I'm wondering if I should snag an Aussie to complete the set. orngbiggrin.gif
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#18 of 69 Old 08-12-2011, 09:37 PM
 
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So...I went on a "date" with 57 yr old. As I suspected--not gonna happen again. He's a very interesting man and we have many interests in common, but I just can't get past the age difference and the fact that he's been friends with my parents for longer than I've been alive. Plus he made a few comments that, for a first "date," I found to be inappropriate. Or maybe just creepy coming from him, I don't know. But, nothing ventured, nothing gained. It was interesting, at least, and I'm not sorry I did it. I figure, I'll go out with almost anyone who asks, ONCE. :) But I reserve the right to turn down the second request. 

 

I wish some 30-35 yr old would ask me out. But, it's good to be at least learning what I'm comfortable/uncomfortable with. Good to be sensing that my boundaries are healthier and more about what *I* want, rather than people-pleasing to my own detriment.

 

In regard to K, who I've been casually dating for 3-4 months, I'm somewhat surprised by how protective of my children I feel with him around. My kids know him as a friend, since we've known each other for years, and we don't hang out with my kids often but we have occasionally. I'm seeing that I really am not ready for that yet--He is really good with my kids and he seems to like them a lot, and they like him too, but I am really uncomfortable. I don't want my kids to feel like he's a "special" person in my life. I don't want him to call my kids "sweetie," even if he is just being genuinely affectionate. I don't know why it bothers me so much, but I really hate it. It just makes me think about how I miss my XH and I experiencing our kids together. I don't want K to feel like he's sharing my "kid moments" with me, because we ARE casual and not exclusive and...no. Not sure why I have such a strong negative reaction to this, but I'm just listening to it.


hijab.gif Muslim convert attachment mama to 2, stepmama to 3 more. Married to a Warrior Spirit. 

"We can do no great things, only small things with great love." ~Mother Teresa of Calcutta

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#19 of 69 Old 08-13-2011, 02:11 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by *MamaJen* View Post   I had this realization last night -- I've been disappointed by the words that he's said before, because there have been times when I've wanted him to promise me the moon and the stars, and he hasn't. But I realized, I've never once been disappointed by his actions. Every promise he's made to me, he's kept, and he's never promised something he couldn't follow through on. That's a 180 from some of my previous boyfriends, who have known all the words to say, but then never followed through with actions.

 

... There's a part of me that wishes he would rush and propose to me already 10 months into our relationship, but I'm really comfortable with the pace we're on.  

 



Oh my gosh, word for word ditto from me re: Cool as a Cucumber.   But boy, oh boy, coolies can be so much more reliables than smoothies.  And yes, wanting that proposal too but then again in month 13, it's not belated yet.....

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#20 of 69 Old 08-13-2011, 02:23 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by chicaalegre View Post

 

Mmmm even if no one gets through this I'm grateful to have a place to vent/blab a little about my thoughts about this whole adult-dating experience. I never really dated as an adult until now, just had relationship after relationship and then got married. I feel like a teenager in a lot of ways, just figuring it out. Kind of fun, but sometimes just feels like silly drama. It's pretty amusing, at least. And the sex is better than when I was 17, that's for sure. 2whistle.gif



I read it all and enjoyed it!  Please continue to contribute.  :)  And about your last comment,  YES!!!!!  (I'm 31 and you're just where I was 2 years ago, discovering that!)

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#21 of 69 Old 08-14-2011, 02:28 PM
 
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In regard to K, who I've been casually dating for 3-4 months, I'm somewhat surprised by how protective of my children I feel with him around. My kids know him as a friend, since we've known each other for years, and we don't hang out with my kids often but we have occasionally. I'm seeing that I really am not ready for that yet--He is really good with my kids and he seems to like them a lot, and they like him too, but I am really uncomfortable. I don't want my kids to feel like he's a "special" person in my life. I don't want him to call my kids "sweetie," even if he is just being genuinely affectionate. I don't know why it bothers me so much, but I really hate it. It just makes me think about how I miss my XH and I experiencing our kids together. I don't want K to feel like he's sharing my "kid moments" with me, because we ARE casual and not exclusive and...no. Not sure why I have such a strong negative reaction to this, but I'm just listening to it.

I know I would feel the same way in your circumstances. Is is possible to only see K when your kids aren't around? I don't want my kids involved at all with anyone I am dating unless I'm sure they are a priority in my life and sticking around for a long time. Even when I was dating someone I cared about deeply, I kept my kids out of it because he wasn't stable enough to be in their lives. He also was completely uninterested in them, which helped of course.

My pessimism might be waning. I just ended a 19 hour first date a little while ago. How's that for scorching August heat? orngbiggrin.gif
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#22 of 69 Old 08-15-2011, 02:44 PM - Thread Starter
 
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19 hours?  Reminds me of last summer with me and Cucumber and our first 11 dates and that they would be 1-2 days rather than just a few hours.  joy.gif

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#23 of 69 Old 08-16-2011, 06:46 AM
 
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I'm curious, what (if any) guidelines or rules or expectations do you all have for the first date? First couple of dates? This may be a vague question but I'm realizing that I feel like I DON'T KNOW HOW to do "grownup dating." The only "dating" I ever really did before getting married was hanging out with people in high school/college, going to parties, getting sexually involved really quickly, sort of "serial monogamy" and jumped-into "relationships." I have no desire to do that anymore, but I am just recently sort of redefining my boundaries. I used to think of myself as a very open, assertive, outgoing person--and I suppose that's the positive side of those character traits, but on the flip side I think I have had VERY poor boundaries in the past with men.

 

So now I'm 29, single mom of two (2 yr & 4 yr old), wanting to have fun but also REALLY wanting to attract mature, respectful, GOOD men. I don't want one night stands or flings, really--although I've done that and I don't think they are necessarily lacking in respect. I don't want to waste my time, I guess. I am not looking to get married again soon but I guess I don't really want to waste my time dating people with whom I see NO possibility of a more serious relationship, you know? 

 

So, what do you talk about on a first date? Do you keep it super light? Do you ask deep questions about values or future goals or what? I sort of feel like I want to think of my deal-breakers and then get those out of the way quickly. But, I also don't want to take this all too seriously, because really I just want to get to know new people and have fun. 

 

Whaddya think?


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"We can do no great things, only small things with great love." ~Mother Teresa of Calcutta

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#24 of 69 Old 08-16-2011, 12:24 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Grown up dating?  Anything goes.  I like coffee for a first, low-key, brief (in the likely event that it's not that fabulous), and to leave both wanting more, where applicable.  Dinner for a longer, pour out stories, type of setting on a second date.  Intimacy--wooooh that is a much discussed minefield but if you ask me, the guy who will label you a whore for getting busy too soon, and pass you by after he indulged in the very same behavior, is a complete hypocrite and worth missing out on (and the sooner the better).  The guy who will appreciate you long term will be one who wouldn't play such silly labeling games anyway, nor overlook all the intriguing out-of-the-bedroom qualities that were obvious already, so I wouldn't worry about waiting an arbitrary amount of time before getting affectionate just to impress him with your chastity.  However, waiting at least a few weeks does certainly heighten the sparkle and fun of the first dates, as the tension hangs thick between you, and that feeling is just so fun and can never be gotten back once the relationship consummates and relaxes into the next phase, so I can't see the harm in prolonging the 'newness' tingle and postponing bedroom antics, for at least that reason. 

 

As for attracting a 'good guy'..... if I had the magic secret to that there would be no dating thread because I'd tell everyone here and we'd all be partnered up instantly!  I think you can't do much more than just focus inward like you're already doing and be self aware about the place you're at, what you're looking for and what you aren't, and then just sit back and take each situation as it comes and be prepared to figure things out on the fly.  There are no black and whites in dating, only a million different (often heartbreaking when there is so much 'right' and yet it's just not right) shades of gray.  Making sure you are accurately aware of what's going on inside yourself will often (but not always) help prevent accidentally sending out signals that indicate something counter to what you are actually interested in.  i.e. being clear with yourself that you are not looking for one night stands will help to make you less prone to be dazzled by an obvious smooth playboy type guy's hilarious opening one-liner and trappings, and he'll strike out with you rather quickly, as you sit back and wait for the true blue (but possibly hopeless with starting conversations with women) type with the kind eyes and timid smile.

 

After that, it's just trying to decipher each situation on a case by case basis and figure out what is working, and if anything crucial does not.  There are no perfect relationships or men, after all, but one thing that stuck with me from those clips on youtube from the 4-man-plan gal that one of you guys recommended is that there are two essential ingredients to look for in a mate:

 

1. Loving  (kind, honest, respectful, affectionate, blah blah blah)

2. Willing  (no games, hot & cold BS, commitment is nothing he fears, he is just there, ready, no 3 days between calls, no difficult to interpret sporadic texting habits, not easy to scare off, just shows up, again and again and again, no muss no fuss there he is, easy to read)

 

and everything in addition to that is just gravy.

 

That has rung quite true for me.  

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#25 of 69 Old 08-17-2011, 08:13 AM
 
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I went on a "first date" last night with a new guy. We've known each other as acquaintances for about 5 years, used to work together, and have several long time mutual friends. We just met at a park, walked around and had a picnic. It was fun. He's a single dad who has his kids about 50% of the time. I don't know if it will go anywhere, I kind of suspect not because we are pretty different, but who knows. He's handsome and funny and although he kind of comes off as "street smart but not educated," I think he actually has a lot of insight and discipline. I'm kind of curious about why he was interested in going out with me--it was just our first date so I didn't bother to ask, but he's Muslim and I am a big ol' Earth-worshipper. We have a lot in common in terms of parenting philosophies and interest in culture, language, anti-racist activism and maybe some politics, but I'm raising my daughter to dance naked in the forest and he's raising his daughter to wear hijab. Which, I suppose, is more cultural difference than spiritual/religious difference, and I can genuinely respect those differences.

 

Anyway, fun. Different. I like dating like this, with the purpose really just being to meet and learn about different people and to learn about what I want/don't want. No pressure to have a certain "kind" of relationship. I had preconceived notions about what "dating" and "relationships" had to look like, that there were only a few kinds, and I am just seeing more and more that there are as many types of relationships as there are people to have them with. 


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"We can do no great things, only small things with great love." ~Mother Teresa of Calcutta

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#26 of 69 Old 08-17-2011, 03:13 PM
 
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Picnics in the park are my favorite date! I'm in the position where I don't know any dateable men - and all of my single friends are in the same boat - so I use the internet and the picnics are normally saved for past the first date.

To answer your earlier question, chicaalegre, I don't get heavy with the questions on first dates or hold any expectations at all. I normally speak about my kids very briefly and will address any topic that comes up in the conversation, but I think first dates are mostly a way to gauge chemistry and ease of conversation. I usually meet for coffee or drinks, sometimes dinner. Most of my first dates have lasted only an hour or two or three, but on occasion there is that guy who makes me feel like I'm not ready to leave so soon. Like this weekend. smile.gif

And we've made plans to get together again tomorrow! biggrinbounce.gif I'm feeling rather anxious about being so excited about it. He did jump right in to ask me if I was busy tonight (kids home, so no) as soon as I sent him a little "hi. what's up?" text earlier, which is a good sign. And he seemed as happy with that amazing first date we had as I did. However, I have very little confidence in my appeal beyond basic physical attractiveness, but I'm older than him, so even that aspect isn't one I feel very confident about this time. I guess I shouldn't have let things get physical so fast, but I could not resist. As soon as he opened his mouth and said my name, I was done for. He has this accent which just melts me.

Rainbow.gif ~ Molly
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#27 of 69 Old 08-17-2011, 03:34 PM
 
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I have a date with Funny Guy again later this evening. I love how he's always trying to fix everything for me and make my life much easier.

 

Last weekend some stuff in my kitchen broke right before I saw him and he instantly played Mr. Fix It Man without me even mentioning it. He just went to my toolbox, got what he needed, and fixed it. He also saw my trash can was full and took out the trash for me without asking. I can't count how many times I wake up in the morning and find my dog walked/fed and breakfast waiting for me.

 

Also I have to travel for work soon and it's too short to fly but it's a long drive. He instantly volunteered to watch my dog for me. He knows I am really nervous driving long distances - especially after my accidents late last year where one was heading in that direction and the other was near the area I need to travel to. I was going to take a train but the train station is about a 30 minute taxi ride away. I also considered going with a coworker who will be driving but if I leave when she leaves then I will not be able to pick up dd from school. He had been thinking about solutions and suggested driving me up to me meeting and taking my dog so he could walk him while I'm in the office.

 

 

Chica- Personally I like to keep first dates light. Something like coffee. The nice thing is you can always extend it or set up another one if it's going well. If it goes poorly you can leave quickly. I see it as getting to know each other, see if you have any chemistry, and begin to understand if they may be what you are looking for.

 

There are a couple of things I have learned through my dating years:

1. Look at your patterns and what worked with you and what didn't. It will help you formulate what you're looking for. Don't be afraid to ask hard questions up front. While it's unromantic it will help you find the best possible match quickly and discover deal breakers.

2. Once you know you want to see the person more than once establish subtly your rules, expectations, and boundaries. This is really difficult to do later. It will also help you determine if you both want the same things or type of relationship. I see this as the relationship "deal" phase where you negotiate the flow of things.

3. Most people are on their best behavior at the beginning but after about 3-6 months more and more of this will slip. Take notice of anything unusual or disturbing - especially if it's a pattern.

4. Pace your relationship. Be patient. Obviously most guys will want to rush it here to get to the sex. I'm quite sexually open minded but I do believe that a guy has to earn the right to be with you by being respectful, acting like a man, etc.

 

Barring specific issues like abuse or codependency, my favorite generic relationship/dating books are in order:

1. Temptations of a Single Girl

2. Are you the One for Me?

3. Act like a Lady Think Like a Man (this one is less about you and more about male behavior in a funny light way)

 

There is also a website called guyspeak.com I think is a good read about dating.

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#28 of 69 Old 08-17-2011, 04:42 PM
 
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So I am eager to date but not getting a lot of offers :( I met a guy at a friends wedding and really liked him- too much. I don't know what it is but it's been 3 weeks and I cannot get him out of my mind. we barely got to talk, only kissed (well I wouldnt say "only" it was reallll nice and lasted 20 minutes:) and I can't stop thinking I really want to see him again! well he friended me right away on the FB- wrote a message about how it was great to meet and he hoped to meet up again with his # at the end, then i messaged back the same kind of message, got one more message from him and then messaged him back with questions to try and spark convo- nothing back from him...it's been 17 days and no more contact. It has made me sad and I dont know why! I barely know him and he lives 600 miles away! what was I thinking would happen, we'd go for drinks?! So I am sad that he stopped talking to me and dont think I can try saying hi again b/c it's in his court now and he obviously wanted to end it.

 

So I have been trying to do the OKC thing again to get my mind off of that guy and continue down the road of dating but I need opinions on this profile thing. also messages- I suck at them, I keep winking and "hi-ing" guys I am interested in and they all ignore me :( do you guys have any catchy first message ideas I could use?

also can someone help me critique this part of my profile- it's about my kids, I want to get across what  am feeling about dating as a single mom without scaring guys away!

 

this is what I came up with

 

I am a single mom to 2 adorable kids- want to get that out there right off so all those not into dating a single mom can just move right along...although you will be missing out for sure ;) I am pretty cool... and modest if you couldn't tell :)
OK so I have kids- on that note I want to add that I am on here for me and do plan to keep my kids separate from my dating life until I get very serious with someone (if that ever happens!). But, really I don't have time or emotions to waste on guys that somewhere down the road would not be cool with having my kids around and inevitably having them in their life. (bear in mind it would be a far off somewhere, I don't plan to introduce anyone to my kids for at least 6+ months just to give you an idea on where I'm coming from) I am new to single mom dating and have decided that I really want to get to know someone well and develop an "us" before adding in kids and what will come with that. Not that I won't ever mention them or talk about them, I am a proud mom and sometimes tend to brag :)

So have a officially scared off every single guy out there? oh good someone is still reading- OK onto the stuff about me:

 

then I talk about me :) is this good or weird sounding?

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#29 of 69 Old 08-17-2011, 06:29 PM
 
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Martha, tone it down. "Hope that doesn't scare you off" and "still reading" are cliches. Mention the kids, maybe say something really brief about how you prefer them to be kept in the dark about your dating activities, but that you might share a cute story about your little ones with a date. Keep it very short. If you talk about them too much it makes it seem like you don't really mean that you aren't looking for a new daddy. And yeah. Lots and lots of guys run in the opposite direction when they find out you have kids. It's just a fact. Nothing we can say will make them change their minds about that.

When I write to men, I ask them about whatever it is they seem most passionate about in their profile or whatever strikes me the strongest about them. If they are an artist, I ask about their art. And so forth. I often go so for as to ask for writing sample or pictures or book recommendations. Plus, my profile really really says who I am and what to expect from me, but not completely explicitly. It's a really good idea to look at other women's profiles to get ideas. If you PM me, I'll send you a link so you can read it and I'd be willing to look at yours and critique it if you want. I've had a really high response rate with the current incarnation of my profile. I <3 OkC.

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#30 of 69 Old 08-17-2011, 07:21 PM
 
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Martha, tone it down.

haha told you I suck at this!! :) ok just worked on the profile and i think it's better now, simple but not cliche-y. side note- I love all the "visitors" you get each time you change anything on your profile or answer a question publicly with an explanation!

next I will practice my message skills and message 2 guys before bedtime! updates to follow- hopefully in the form of dishing about super hot date with super hot, nice, man that I snag with my awesome message skills!

 

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