Teach Me How to Date! - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 14 Old 08-28-2011, 10:21 AM - Thread Starter
 
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The backstory -

 

I am a 53 year old single mama, with 2 teens still at home. I have been single and celibate for 12 years, and generally OK with this state of affairs. Prior to a couple disasterous relationships many years ago, I never really dated. YoungSon,15, with special needs, homeschooled BigGirl,16, 2 therapeutic level foster kids, and my elderly Mom have happily been the focus of my life. Until about 6 months ago, my plate was too full; life was too chaotic to add another person. Life has now settled into a pretty great routine - I have a job I love, the kids are doing well, Mom moved into a facility where she gets more care than I could provide, and I am no longer a foster parent.

 

For the first time since I can remember, I would like to have someone to share life with. I don't feel needy or desperate to be partnered. I don't even really feel lonely. I just feel ready to be in love in a healthy way. Or maybe just go out and play!

 

But I don't have a clue how or where to start. My social life is limited to work, and all my co-workers are 30 years younger than me, and fun to go to happy hour with, but not the source of the love of my life. Professional boundaries limit friendships with my clients.

 

I volunteer in a couple places (at a food bank and teaching adult literacy), but neither of these are venues likely to provide the "love of my life" or even a fun Friday night date.

 

I don't know about online dating - the idea scares me, as well as seeming a little, well, pathetic. No offence to anyone intended - but to me it seems sad. 

 

So the eternal question arises - how do I start dating? Any suggestions would be welcomed. Aren't there books on the subject? Or are they all intended for the younger set? What would you do?


Rhu - mother,grandmother,daughter,sister,friend-foster,adoptive,and biological;not necessarily in that order. Some of it's magic, some of it's tragic, but I had a good life all the way (Jimmy Buffet)

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#2 of 14 Old 08-28-2011, 10:44 AM
 
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No dating experience to share but have you checked out meetup.com?  It is a social networking site where you find interest-based groups in your area to meet up with in real life.  I joined a single parents group and made some good friends.  There are dinner groups, hiking groups, going to the movies groups, pinochle groups, you name it.


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#3 of 14 Old 08-28-2011, 11:01 AM
 
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I am SO going to follow this thread! I am also contemplating dating for the first time since separation, and was totally thinking...HELP! How is it 'done' these days, what are the dating 'rules'? I mean, I am really out of touch with all of this stuff. (And I'm not sexually confident after several years of celibacy)

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#4 of 14 Old 08-28-2011, 09:38 PM
 
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Why do people think being celibate is so odd?

Yes I have needs, but when there's no easy or safe way to meet them, I am in school, have four kids, work...

I could make more time to go looking but my life is full and I like it.

If superman swoops down I won't shut the door in his face...

but until something worthwhile shows up...


8 might be enough
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#5 of 14 Old 08-30-2011, 12:02 AM
 
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Well, I'm fairly new to dating, but it seems pretty easy so far.  When I was first separated, I had an account at match.com.  It takes a bit of time to set up, but it's sort of fun to look through a virtual catalog of local men, and I got contacted by a few men that were interesting enough. You won't meet anyone weird (I will trust you can sort the chaff), but you might meet someone really similar to you. It's just the way of the busy world, and you need to be efficient with your dating time. 

 

If you start putting it out there that you're interested, you'll get set up, too.  I haven't actually gone on one of these dates, but offers come up. 

 

The dating part is totally different, though! We both have busy lives, both don't want to get married, it's a different mind set, for sure. Also, the kids. I'm dating someone now, and we didn't do introductions for almost 3 months. I also have to help my young kids understand how he is different than family.  

 

Good luck!  Just get out there, you can do it! 

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#6 of 14 Old 08-31-2011, 09:36 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for the responses. I am especially excited about meetup.com, and have already requested to join a local activity. This is perfect for me - dating isn't the whole point, which would feel sort of awkward I think.

 

I don't think celibacy is odd or weird at all. I have been comfortable and content for many years. I am really looking to share life with a partner - sharing dinner, funny stories, household chores, and, yes, perhaps my bed. But that doesn't mean I think there is something wrong with having different priorities, and living a less sexual lifestyle. Did my original post give that impression?


Rhu - mother,grandmother,daughter,sister,friend-foster,adoptive,and biological;not necessarily in that order. Some of it's magic, some of it's tragic, but I had a good life all the way (Jimmy Buffet)

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#7 of 14 Old 08-31-2011, 09:44 PM
 
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Yay! I love meetup.  :)


and then when we get to the ocean
we're gonna take a boat to the end of the world

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#8 of 14 Old 09-04-2011, 04:25 AM
 
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I just started dating and It has been a great experience for me all around.


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#9 of 14 Old 09-04-2011, 06:56 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mamarhu View Post

Thanks for the responses. I am especially excited about meetup.com, and have already requested to join a local activity. This is perfect for me - dating isn't the whole point, which would feel sort of awkward I think.

 

I don't think celibacy is odd or weird at all. I have been comfortable and content for many years. I am really looking to share life with a partner - sharing dinner, funny stories, household chores, and, yes, perhaps my bed. But that doesn't mean I think there is something wrong with having different priorities, and living a less sexual lifestyle. Did my original post give that impression?

I don't think so.

 

Good luck!
 

 


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#10 of 14 Old 09-05-2011, 05:44 AM
 
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I have a  first date today with a seemingly really great guy....

We talked for two hours on the phone last night.

He seems incredible.... and I am totally freaking out about the date.

Totally.  I have cancelled on him once before as I was just to nervous and worried he was out of my league.

Any advice? what to wear.... I am thinking of suggesting going to a local park or go hiking as it's going to be 75 and gorgeous out....


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#11 of 14 Old 09-05-2011, 08:08 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Emilie2 View Post

I have a  first date today with a seemingly really great guy....

We talked for two hours on the phone last night.

He seems incredible.... and I am totally freaking out about the date.

Totally.  I have cancelled on him once before as I was just to nervous and worried he was out of my league.

Any advice? what to wear.... I am thinking of suggesting going to a local park or go hiking as it's going to be 75 and gorgeous out....


Go for it - what fun!!!

 

Hiking sounds perfect (maybe don't get too isolated, so it's easy to cut it short and leave if you need to). You don't need to talk nonstop while hiking, but there is plenty to talk about as you walk. Dress comfortably - he's not there for your clothing!

 

Tell us all about it after!
 

 


Rhu - mother,grandmother,daughter,sister,friend-foster,adoptive,and biological;not necessarily in that order. Some of it's magic, some of it's tragic, but I had a good life all the way (Jimmy Buffet)

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#12 of 14 Old 09-05-2011, 03:40 PM
 
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Just got home it went great! We ended up going to the state fair and we had lots of fun. The conversation flowed easy and he held my hand and was interested we plan to see each other again.

Unfortunately on the way home we got in a car accident!!! It was not his fault another driver tried to cross 6 lanes of busy traffic and we hit him.

He was calm and caring thru the whole thing I was very impressed he asked me multiple times if i was ok and was just very sweet.

Great first date- best one yet.


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#13 of 14 Old 09-07-2011, 06:30 AM
 
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Just an update. we spoke last night and he wants to see me again soon!  yay.

I could go on and on about how hopeful I am but trying to hold back.

As an aside I must tell you a funny thing that happened this morning while talking to my mother.

My father has never thought that i was very likeable( i am just not his type of woman- opinionated, talkative, etc) so my mom tells him I have met a man and went on a date. Mom relays- dad says well I just wish she could find a man to love her.  Than he says- Maybe he will fall in love with the kids. ( my kids are GREAT!) tho i don't introduce them to dates.... my mom tells dad this and he says- well maybe she should and he will fall in love with them.

LMBO.

My silly father wants me to use my kids as bait to get a husband. he he ha ha.  no thanks dad but what an idea.


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#14 of 14 Old 09-07-2011, 07:53 AM
 
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I am married now (my one and only ever blind date), but when I was single and looking, I always did a couple of things:

 

1.  Always meet the first few times in a public place.

2.  Only give out cell number, not work or home.

3.  Remember you don't have to give out your last name.

4.  No meeting my child for a couple of months at least (I learned this one after making mistakes in my earlier dating efforts).

5.  Most states have online sexual predator registries.  Can't hurt to check them (though many predators have aliases).

6.  No intercourse for a good while.  It can create a false sense of intimacy or "love" when what is really going on might be something less.

 

It sounds like I am kind of paranoid about safety, which I guess I am.  I will say that I never had a bad experience dating (ie:  somebody being a creeper or a predator), but it made me feel more comfortable to take some precautions.

 

A delightful friend in her late 50s or early 60s met her partner on greensingles.com

 

Good luck and happy hunting!


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