I googled "being a single mom" and the thread "Why I love being a single mother came up." Finding that thread and reading some of it is making this situation a little bit easier. After 11 years of marriage and one daughter my STBXH and I decided it would be better for us to not be married anymore. This was decided 2 weeks ago, and I have been on an emotional roller coaster since then, so many ups and downs. I am doing better than I was, at one point I thought there was hope for us and we could try to make it work, if we both did better. Then I realized neither one of us wanted to try to make it work, we were done. We do not hate each other, we just grew apart, we are two totally different people who want different things. He wants to go out and get drunk with his friends, I want to spend time at home and have another baby. He wasn't willing to change, and I wasn't willing to settle. Of course my heart breaks for our daughter, and I am worried sick over how this will affect her well-being, but I know in the end this will be better for all of us. Right now we are still living together while I save up money to move out, I am so ready to move on. One of the bigger problems I am having is his readiness to start looking for someone to date or hook up with. I have no desire to start looking for someone any time soon, I have more important things to worry about. Some days I just want to hit him as hard as possible, then there are times when I miss him, then he says or does something and I am like oh yeah I am so over you. I feel like I have rambled on, but I have not had a place to talk about this, I mean I have friends and family who are being so supportive, but I have not had a place to write down all of this.
Ups and downs for sure. Today is a massive down. Not surprising considering that I am cleaning and reorganizing what used to our shared master bedroom. 3 1/2 months into the separation, and I do notice that the down days come less often now.
and then when we get to the ocean
we're gonna take a boat to the end of the world
Yes, my down days are less and less myself...I am about 3 1/2 months in myself...May 17th. I was sad the other day when I took the boys to a playground and there was a dad playing with his little boy there. That always breaks my heart. Knowing that my older two boys still idolize their father and dont know the monster he really is...the fact that they have to grow up without a male influence in their lives. I feel so guilty sometimes. I am glad I moved out of our shared house. It would be too painful for me if I still lived there. But I do make sure that I always looks at the positives, and that does help. We are healthy, we have a roof over our heads and nutricious food on the table. I dont get nagged when I buy organic food anymore, I dont have to listen to HORRID snoring, I can buy natural cleaners without getting nagged....and food is so much cheaper!!! I dont realy have a life besides my boys. They are all I have at this point. I dont really have anyone to watch them anymore, so I cannot go out with friends. I just have people to watch them so I can finish school. So my only two nights without them are when I am at school :P.
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