Why is it so hard to be objective when our insecurities are rife and our egos need stroking? When we crave a reprieve from the daily grind as a single parent and excitement is so alluring but leads to feeling even worse in the end...? ARGH! Enough. We all deserve our incredibly nice guys to ride in on a white horse and be there for us, in a solid 'good guy' sort of way. And we need to actually be the kind of women who deserve such stable, fabulous men to stick by our side.
What advice do you have for the rest of us on how to be that/do that?
I'm all ears.....
I dont even know where to start with dating! I never have a chance to get out without my kids, no one to watch them. :(
A couple of guys flirted with me recently, and I watched myself totally shut down-- felt intensely uncomfortable and then it was like a wall going up. Too soon, I guess. I don't want a date but I would love a hug from one of those 'good guys' described.
I had no intentions of dating. I am a SMBC of an almost 3 year old. I work full time and take her to work with me. I just bought my first home. We have a full life with good friends. I am pretty exhausted so the thought really never crossed my mind. Enter ex-boyfriend from many years ago who has recently seperated from his wife. I go from feeling like "I can handle this and we'll all come out alive regardless of what happens" to "not sure I can so this".
It is hard and I just don't know if I can do it but when I stop trying to analyze the jeepers out of everything, I am enjoying myself....I think :).
Clearly I have NO advice, I just wish it were easier!
I think it's too soon for myself, too...I've only been single for 3 months and it happened so suddenly and unexpectedly. I just get lonely at times. My boys dont really have a male influence in their lives, either, and I think that's important. No guy would ever want me, anyways.
This is NOT true. I felt this way for a long time and it is NOT TRUE.
I have recently began dating and found that there are plenty of men who are interested in me.
I spent three years working on me. And do believe I would have something to offer a mate.
Hugs mama. I have been there with that feeling and it is a lie.
I think it's too soon for myself, too...I've only been single for 3 months and it happened so suddenly and unexpectedly. I just get lonely at times. My boys dont really have a male influence in their lives, either, and I think that's important. No guy would ever want me, anyways.
It has only been 3 months you have been single. There's no hurry in finding anyone. What you could take this time to do is work on your self-esteem. Try and find what you really want to do / really want to be. It can be something big like writing a novel, or can be something small like wanting to learn how to cook Persian food, for example. (which you can do by yourself...libraries have great books and there are some great resources online on Youtube, etc.)
Even with limited financial resources we can all be creative to fulfill our goals/dreams.
You will most likely find that in your quest to find yourself and your self-esteem you might cross paths with a great guy. And if you don't? It doesn't matter. You will be happy, and your kids in turn will be as well.
I am ready to date casually, but can't because my divorce seems to never be finalized, and I have a really conservative divorce judge. I am taking this enforced singlehood to really think about why I am attracted to the kind of men I am, and then to try to change who I am attracted to. I tend to choose alcoholic, verbally abusive men. My dad was a verbally abusive alcoholic when I was a kid (He's been sober for 20+ years now though and is a great father) but the pattern established in childhood persisted. Also, I enjoy drinking, and I enjoy going to bars- and alcoholics are there. I don't drink very much, though, even if I go out I only have 2 drinks. Psychologists also say that when we have a 'type'- be in a physical type or a social type that we are consistently attracted to, that usually we are just trying to make up for failed relationships- we had a previous relationship with that type, and by being attracted to that type we are trying to correct our past mistakes and make that failed relationship work again. My hope is that I can find a super nerd for myself....and that my divorce gets finalized this year!
\ Psychologists also say that when we have a 'type'- be in a physical type or a social type that we are consistently attracted to, that usually we are just trying to make up for failed relationships- we had a previous relationship with that type, and by being attracted to that type we are trying to correct our past mistakes and make that failed relationship work again.
Hmm this could make sense for me and it is what I struggle with most. I have pretty much sworn off dating (being pregnant and all) but still have my profile on dating sites, I don't seek them out but if they seek me out I will talk to/.meet them. And since I have decided for myself to be VERY picky I have been meeting some really great guys. The problem is I am not physically attracted to any of them. They would all make great friends but I can't see getting intimate with any of them and of course they are seeking a relationship. And the guys I am physically attracted too have nothing good to offer me and more often then not just bring problems :/
you are not alone holly.
Septembers thread is very interesting so far...Lots of single moms NOT wanting to date...sounds like a good time to focus on some personal growth;-)? Well here is my story...Last april i decided to take a few months off from dating. It was kind of involuntary because I had dated a handful of guys casually in the past year after a pretty big heartbreak...I was also on facebook and feeling very overwhelmed socially. The last date I had was a somewhat awkward first date that was ok, but i didnt really want to go out again and i felt really bad about that, i didnt know how to handle it...And I just knew I needed a break. I got off facebook and deleted my profile from OKC and just simplified. I pared it down to just my family, a few friends and once in awhile i'd go out when i was feeling good and strong. At the time also i was feeling very unhappy in my job, and where i live. I kept making plans to move away, out of desperation I think. I am a single mom of three and on assistance, without anyone to help with the kids(to work more or go to school), and was desperately trying to figure out where to go from there. So fast forward to maybe a month or so ago...things improved. I decided to homeschool my kids(i really do make things complicated!) and canceled my moving plans(well put them on hold for now anyways) and i just felt so good about my simple life and being alone. I decided to go back on OKC and give online dating another try, and i felt good about it. Not long after I met this guy and we really clicked. He is 26 and i am 32. We have alot in common and there are big differences too, in our personalities, which i like. I couldn't stand to be with someone too much like me, lol, as much as i like myself;-) Well after msging, and texting for a few days and then talking on the phone a few times we decided to meet. He lives about an hour away and while i had within 25 miles checked on my profile, he found me and i was blown away by his profile. He was gorgeous and replied to my long messages, and i loved his voice and it was just so easy to talk. So the night before we decided to meet(we had only been talking for maybe 5 days, but were blown away by each other. impulsive i know, but that's me:-P) he sends me a message that says he is in a wheelchair. (I knew he lived at home and this explained that somewhat. He does have a good job as a mechanical engineer and is brilliant...His message, like all of his msgs, was so heartfelt and honest and I felt that because of the short time we'd been chatting that you know, it just added another layer to this person i was just getting to know. I have never been around anyone in a wheelchair, but felt that it wasn't a dealbreaker, i really wanted to meet him. Our date was amazing. I wasn't sure what to expect and was a little surprised by him, but felt as connected to him irl as on the phone and messaging. Unfortunately things in my life got crazy last week(our date was sunday, last). When I met him nothing was going on, except school for the kids was about to start, and i still need to figure that out. I knew things were coming up(alot of things! A friend temporarily moving in before moving across the country, another friend coming to visit in about a week, my kids dad is moving away, a new job opportunity, etc but the reality of things takes adjustment and i never really think that far ahead, just that 'eh of course i can handle this, itll be fun!'), Why does everything happen at once?! So we texted and msgd all week and made tenative plans to meet again on Sunday(today). We both have Monday off and it seemed like a good chance to spend some time together. Except that I had to cancel because I am overwhelmed with all these new changes. I needed some alone time and he was hurt at first, i think, and thought it meant i was changing my mind...And then yesterday I started thinking about it and decided it was madness, that things were so complicated from the start, it could never work. I think he is very confused right now and so am I. I have been regretting sending him that message, because i really want to get to know him, but I don't know how to proceed. I don't know how to talk about these things. I was reading some archived ldr posts on here and i am amazed by the positive things people say about ldr's even when you can't visit much or at all. He is younger than me but seems to be responsible and he told me he does want kids and marriage which i have and want...I don't know what questions to ask and i feel like in some ways things are already too serious, but then i think it's only been just over a week that i met him. We can slow this down right? We are both kind of intense people...We texted a little this morning and i told him i was confused and needed a few days to think this over. So that's where im at...trying to figure things out:-P In the meantime, adjusting to the craziness of life all around me and I really need to get caught up on my homeschool records and apply for this new job, at the library. I've been waiting for this and have to get it! I will feel much better once i get these things done, i think:-)
I know I am not ready to date.. only because I dont have the time to invest on getting to know anyone. I find some guys at school super attractive, but they all see me like the "mommy" with baggage nobody wants... my kids are most important than anything, so if I can meet anyone at school because of my label, I'm ok with that, hoping later when I graduate, I will meet a decent christian man with his act together, ready to love me and the kids!
I wonder how people do dating casually and SLOWLY. If I like someone, and they like me--it just seems like it gets intense pretty quickly. I find myself totally preoccupied, thinking about our conversations, possible future conversations, etc. It borders on obsessive and it's very distracting. It sometimes makes me think that I need to hold off on dating until I can have a cooler head about it, but then I also wonder if that's just how people think when they really like someone? I tend to think that I do things dysfunctionally, but I'm not sure.
I'm dating this guy, Bond, and have been for about a month now. We have gone out many times and are talking online almost every day. We aren't sleeping together and have mutually agreed that we're not interested in having sex until/unless we are more serious. I'm thinking six months of dating is a good boundary for me--since I have NEVER waited to sleep with a dating/relationship partner. I am almost 30 and have just jumped into relationship after relationship--was married 5 years but our divorce is official on Wednesday. I really only had one or two other semi-serious relationships before my marriage, so I don't really know what I'm doing and I feel kind of like a teenager. I mostly just went the route of: start talking to someone you're attracted to, sleep with them a few dates later, then be "together," until you're not. I don't want to do things that way so that's why I've instituted this period of (relative) celibacy.
I really like this guy, and I think he feels the same. He is also divorced and has two children from his previous marriage. We have some lifestyle differences that at first glance seem pretty profound, and I spent much of the last month thinking there was no way that we could move toward a serious relationship--but the things we have in common and the things we like about each other's personalities are pretty profound also, and so it makes me not sure. I don't know. I think we'd be up against some serious challenges but I also think that we are building a solid foundation of friendship--we just really like each other and can talk and hang out for hours and not get bored. He challenges my perspective and thinking in ways that no man I've been with has, and is also kind and funny and seems pretty committed to his faith/spirituality, which I like because I know that he feels accountable to a power greater than himself. He is an American Muslim convert (fairly devout in terms of basic obligatory practice and personal belief but not strict, obviously, or else he wouldn't even be dating like this) (whose parents are from Iran) and I am not religious but loosely practice a very pagan/earth-based spirituality, although I have had some interest in Sufism/Islam over the years and have studied it a bit. My family background is Catholic/evangelical Pennsylvania Dutch. We haven't found anything major that we disagree on, within our respective faiths, surprisingly enough, and he hasn't seemed at all interested in trying to change my leanings in another direction. He speaks Farsi, I speak Spanish. We both love farming/plants/sustainable living pursuits. We both love being parents. He's a pot smoker but does it legally with a medical card, which at first I felt judgmental about but when you take the criminal potential out of it, it just doesn't bother me that much.
So, obviously, there are some big differences. And the safe part of me, the very rational, unromantic part of me (which may well be healthier) says "This is not realistic, there are too many major differences." But then I think about Core Values, which I think are really important for building a relationship on and coming back to in times of disagreement, and those are all basically the same. So that makes me think I should stick it out, since we just really LIKE each other's company and are SUPER attracted to each other. I have seen many things that are potential challenges, but nothing I'd consider a deal breaker, you know? Sometimes I wonder if I'm being stupid, but mostly I feel really good about it.
I do wonder, though, why I am so attracted to people with such different backgrounds. Novelty, perhaps? My ex husband is Mexican (met him and got engaged in Mexico while studying there), Catholic, also very different cultures. Only our core values were also not lined up, which is I think why our marriage ultimately failed.
Thanks all for your niceness...but I really dont see myself as "desireable". I am overweight, short, have really bad acne (it has gotten worse the older I get...isnt it supposed to be the other way around), and three kids at home (who are my world and more important to me than anyone, but some ppl would see them as "baggage"), plus no one to watch them for me to go out...:/....how do you all make the time to even get out to go on a date? Who watches the kids? Do you recommend on-line dating? That would be my only real way of meeting someone...but then I'd never have a chance to go on a date anyways. Blah.
animegeekmom- I'm sorry you feel that way right now; hang in there! It will get better...It sounds like you need some self care, but i know its hard. I have three kids too. Right now their dad is here to help but he is moving away and i'm very apprehensive about becoming overwhelmed and having no time for myself.
I have time now because my kids go to their dads on sunday through tuesday morning, and i have a friend who helps. They are both moving away at the end of this month, and then I will rely on my sister and maybe my neice sometimes. Are your kids young? Mine are a little older so when I leave them with someone they are usually fine with it. It was more difficult when they were younger and i didn't really feel the effort to go out was worth the trouble, but now that they are a little older its easier. Online dating is interesting...and a good choice for single parents I think. You can put what you are looking for right out there and get to know each other online a bit before meeting.
chicaalegre-i wonder about people dating casually and slowly too, you are not the only one. It seems to me that most people get together so fast. It seems to work for alot of people, which I find interesting...I would like to try slow and steady for a change:-) It sounds like you're setting boundaries, and are taking it slow. Did you write about going on a date with this guy in last months thread? I seem to remember reading about this...
Mimim--thank you for your honest response. I think you're right, in some ways I have been ignoring signs that I should slow things down. The obsessive thinking is really bothering me and I am not getting things done as efficiently as I might have, before, because I'm making plans and staying up super late and have been super tired as a result. I go regularly to Alanon, which helps with obsessive thinking and the other codependent personality traits I struggle with, but I should probably call my sponsor. I have been avoiding it because I know she'd tell me the same thing...
I read this book awhile ago, called Facing Love Addiction, and it comes to mind now. Early romance feels like getting high to me, and I notice a "withdrawal," too. Yikes!
I have been making some progress, though. Last night I got off work at 11pm, and Bond (who is on a pretty different schedule and so usually is up well past 2am) asked if I wanted to stop by--of course my initial feeling was YES! But I felt so tired and I had to work early this morning, and so I said no. I went home and went to bed. It was the right thing to do, although I had a very real internal conflict over it. I really wanted to go, but I kept reminding myself that I have sacrificed self-care and self-awareness in favor of doing whatever Mr. X Y or Z wants, for maybe my whole life of interacting with men in a romantic way. THIS man, in particular, has shown me respect in a way few men have, and I want to keep that the default in our dynamic. When I demonstrate a lack of self-respect, a willingness to put my own well-being on the back burner, I set myself up for meeting men who will ask me to do this for them. So I am imposing a curfew on nights when I have to work in the morning. And a personal date night where I spend time BY MYSELF.
animegeekmom--I hear you on not feeling desirable and also on the logistical difficulties of dating as a 24/7 single mama. I'm grateful that my kids stay with their dad 2 nights a week, and that I have a housemate (another single mama) who helps when I need it. That is something I would recommend, if the right person comes along--house-sharing with another single mother has been a HUGE help to me, financially, emotionally, etc. and I know she feels that way too. We are like platonic wives. It's great. I wouldn't be surprised if there is some kind of single moms network of folks looking to house-share...
What you say also sounds like now might be a good opportunity to take a look at what you like/don't like, and to focus on self care so that you can start to feel a little better about yourself. You mentioned a few physical insecurities but they all sound like things that can be improved--maybe start an exercise routine (can easily be done at home with no equipment, like yoga, or with just some free weights and an aerobic video). As for acne as an adult, I always wonder if that is caused by diet/nutrition or hormonal imbalance (also influenced by diet) and it might be worth checking with a health professional about.
Anyway, you're right, it's hard to meet people when you are tired and busy and have no babysitter. But it won't be like that forever. You have already sought out support here which is awesome! Hang in there.
If someone could tell me this is "normal" I would really appreciate it!
As mentioned in my earlier post, I am a SMBC to Kate who will be 3 on 12/1. For almost 3 years it has just been us. I honestly assumed I'd date again in 10+ years. Enter Adam, the x who looked me up on FB about a month a go as he is going through a divorce. I am trying to find a happy medium that works for all of us as far as getting a sitter for Kate so we can have grown up time, having him come over after she is in bed for more of the same, and spending time with all of us together. Had I not known him for over 10 years I would never have introduced Kate to him this soon. But I trust him and know he has good intentions. Anyway, I am struggling with 2 things that never really occured to me (mostly because none of this occured to me since I hadn't contemplated dating this century!). 1 is that I am feeling a little torn when we are all together, can't please all the people all the time kind of thing. I can't put my finger on it or even peg a specific moment that made me feel this way but I am assuming this is pretty typical feeling in this situation? I don't think it is anything that either of them is doing specifically that has brought about this feeling. The 2nd issue I find a little more disturbing and is the one I really hope people can tell me they have gone through too. After the initial sweetness of seeing them together I have to say that this past weekend I didn't really enjoy many moments of us all being together. I actually thought "I want one of them to go away". There were moments I wished it was her and moments I wished it was him. When Adam and I dated years ago I had all of his attention. And he was very attentive. We are both very affectionate people and very touchy feely with eachother (except in the presence of my 2 year old of course!). For almost 3 years I have been Kate's world and now when he is around she could care less if I exist. SHE is now all touchy feely with him - loves to hold his hand, sit in his lap etc. Like I said at first the sweetness of it all just blew me away...then this weekend I realize I am jealous of their instant bond!
I knew I'd be torn when I do things like go out with him this weekend while she stays at home with a sitter. I am looking forward to it for he and I and hope she is having a particularly good night to ease my guilt over leaving her. That type of inner conflict I expected and knew I would have to work through. Jealous of my 2 year old? Hmmm, didn't see that coming! Anyone?
Zoezoo- You should be able to state that you do not like those comments and they should stop.
Shanny - I have rekindled a romance to and it was a disaster- tho he never met my kids. Does this man have children of his own?
Even if you have known him for ten years you have not been in a relationship with him for ten years. This is probably an indication that you are all together too soon. That you need time for your relationship to mature before you jump into "family time"
You could really be concerned your dd is getting attatched to a man you do not have a serious commitment from?
Shanny, one month in seems like really soon to be encouraging a relationship between this man and your daughter--maybe your discomfort is an indication that you and he have rushed things a little?
If the relationship is sustainable there is no harm (and potentially lots of benefit) in waiting and being conservative about introducing kids to new potential partners.
I dated someone for 4-5 months and he knew my kids from before, since we have been friends for 10 years. We didn't hang out that much with my kids around, but we did enough so that I saw my kids start to be physically affectionate and playful with him, and I noticed my daughter paying attention to whether or not he was paying attention to her...all of which made me incredibly uncomfortable. People would mistake him for my kids' dad and it would make me BRISTLE. This showed me that I really wasn't serious enough with him to want them to form an attachment to him. We aren't dating anymore (totally amicably), and I hope that he remains a good friend and a positive man in my kids' lives, but I wish I had waited longer to involve them. It occurred to me that I could potentially date several people before finding someone I want to build a partnership with, I could even date people seriously--but that I want to keep the people in my kids' lives as consistent as possible. That makes me want to wait several months before introducing a partner. Obviously, your situation may be different and what works for your family might be different, but I wouldn't ignore your discomfort.
Shanny - I have a 3 yo and I have only introduced him to one guy but I kept him as a friend, we have no affection in front of dd, and I also have many other male and female friends around. I am honestly a bit torn about this issue. I feel like I need to know the guy and dd would get along and that the guy has seem some parenting reality and can handle this. For this reason I feel an introduction should be somewhat early before I form too much of an attachment. The other hand is that I don't want dd to form any attachment to anyone until I have reached a certain level in the relationship and have a better understanding of what type of guy he is.
A single mom friend of mine told me she felt the magic number was 15 dates and I'm starting to agree with her. This wasn't necessarily a lot of family time because I do believe that attachment to you needs to happen as much as possible outside of your time with your children but I do feel like that is a good enough time for an introduction and something light like running into him at a park or lunch.
There are three yellow flags in your posts that caught my eye. First is that you didn't like time together. This could just be because you're used to it just the two of you or it could be something inside you telling you something isn't right. The second one is that he is going through a divorce. Make sure he is done with his healing and is in a healthy place before even attempting to get involved with him. Third is that you already dated. My questions are why didn't it work last time and what has changed in the meantime.
I'm curious...anyone here have fun dating or are we, as single mothers excluded from that?
I am fun dating now but hopefully finding someone soon... maybe mondays date ;)
That's funny Emilie2, Sunday is my date night with myself or some lucky guy and mondays with my ladies...Only for the next few weeks though. Then my ex is leaving and it'll be a whole new ballgame and a lot trickier, i suppose, to date at all...
I'm here. The Incredibly Nice Guy continues to be incredibly nice. We'll be celebrating our year anniversary next month, hard to believe. :) He's coming home with me and DS for thansgiving, which I'm looking forward to.
DS is really getting attached to him. He's only seen his dad twice in the last 6 weeks, and he's been reaching out to my BF more and more for attention. He's also asked a couple of time if my boyfriend was part of his family. I don't want to promise DS something that doesn't happen, so I've been telling him that my boyfried is a "family friend" and sometimes he feels like family. Honestly, I'm looking forward to the day when he is our family.
chica - I call that 'yo-yoing'. I do it too and it's awful. It really is like a high of sorts. When I really like a guy and connect well with them I get all wrapped up in it. It's exhilarating and fun when I'm talking to them or seeing them but then when I don't or can't it like I crash. I hate all those ups and downs. I really have no advice on how to stop it. I try to just stay on schedule with my life and let that keep me busy and keep them as a second thing. It helps but I still struggle with it sometimes.
Shanny - I think that may be because you're so use to being alone with your child to an extent but I agree with everyone that it may be too soon. Only you know if its okay to let him be involved yet or to what extent though. Everyone's situation is different but I haven't let anyone I've been involved with around my kids. I think its because I knew deep down that it wouldn't work. I haven't been comfortable enough yet to cross that line with anyone though so I have no real advice.
Well there's not much new over here. I've been seeing one guy and so far it's going well but I don't know where it's going yet. I'm glad it's going slowly but I feel like I don't know where I stand with him or what we're doing and that is stressing me out a bit. I actually use to talk to him before (as a very casual thing) and then we started seeing each other after my separation initially two years ago. When we started talking then I thought it was still going to be the casual set up we had had before and it was for a while before he started making comments about why we hadn't been together and maybe should try it and asking me to go away with him to meet some of his family and stuff. I freaked out like I usually do and ran. I was just scared and I walked. I didn't feel ready to get that involved and was seeing him because I thought he was my safe zone. I could date him and it wouldn't go there. I had never really thought of him that way either so it threw me off and I just bolted. Well fast forward to now... I ran into him again the other week and he instantly said he wanted to talk/see me again and I of course agreed. I felt though like he'd already shifted gears on me from casual to a potential relationship and I needed to be okay with that before I saw him at all again. I've decided over the time I've been away from him though that taking it from casual to actually dating him might be great and he really might be good for me so I was okay with that. Now nothing has been said and I don't know if he's still leaning that direction or not. I'm confused. I enjoy the casual thing we have and need that for now but I feel like I'm lost as to whether it's suppose to be going anywhere or not. Idk I'm just taking it slow for now but it definitely put a new spin on things for me.