Does it really ever get better? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 8 Old 09-03-2011, 07:35 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Brief history: DH moved out in March and although the plan is to divorce we haven't filed anything yet because of finances and not being in any rush.  He's still involved with our DS pretty much daily.  I have been so surprised at how well i have handled parenting by myself, and i've felt (surprisingly!) very at peace with the decision to end our marriage.  At the same time, I have some really difficult days (tonight included) where I feel so completely hopeless about my future.  I often feel lonely and alone, and like I have nobody (except one friend) who truely understands me and what I am going through, and remains completely supportive of me.  Before we separated we spend 1.5 years ttc unsuccessfully with doctor appts and meds etc.  I guess I am still very much struggling with the idea I will never have more children (something I have always wanted, and especially so after I suffered PPD after DS was born and feel like I missed out on so much time with him as a baby), and that I will live alone forever.  I am so sad for my son that he will be a only child (even if someday by chance I do get re-married, any possible sibling would be so much younger, he'd really still be an "only"), and though I have boxes and boxes and boxes of old too-small clothing and cloth diapers etc etc I cannot bear to get rid of them (same with all my maternity stuff).  I feel sort of pathetic keeping those things when I know in my heart I will not be usings them (at least not any time in the forseeable future), and i'm not young in fertility years either.  All this on top of thinking about moving to a new home (the one we live in is in DH's name, not mine) just feels so overwhelming and I feel hopeless about my future.  I am in therapy, and it is very helpful, but I don't know anybody IRL who has survived divorce who I can talk to.

 

eta: DS is also in therapy and seems to be doing really well, by all accounts right now.  I am still very afraid of having screwed him up forever with this decision also... and the thought of me raising him as an older child/teenager is daunting at best

 

Feel like I'm rambling, but this has been bottled up awhile, thanks to anyone who reads this :) and double thanks to anyone who has any words of hope for me!


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#2 of 8 Old 09-04-2011, 01:30 AM
 
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What I hear in your post is that you are feeling the loss of the dreams that you had for yourself and your family.  I hear you!  I have been separated since May and I am still amazed that I don't miss my husband.   But the loss of our intact family and not having the kids' father around to share their beauty with and not having him to grow old with as we had planned-- all of this breaks my heart.


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#3 of 8 Old 09-04-2011, 03:30 AM
 
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hug2.gif  I have been there. It took me four years to get over the fear that I would live alone forever.  I am still not completely over the happy family loss.

I do have two kids and feel complete in that area. 

There is a thread on here about what we love about  being a single mom and I like to read that from time to time.

I am not doing as well alone raising two kids and would love to find a partner to share a life with.

But for now i look at the upside to being alone and my perspective changed. Go read that thread.... I don't know how to link or i would link it for you.

This time will pass. Allow yourself to grieve.   Do not rush yourself thru it or it will just take more time in the long run.

 


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#4 of 8 Old 09-04-2011, 03:32 AM
 
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I also wanted to tell you I too live with mental health issues and am in counseling too.

 


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#5 of 8 Old 09-04-2011, 03:56 PM
 
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I say, March is too long to have waited to file.  I think you need to find a way to file papers- if there are no abuse issues and you will have joint custody, you could at least get things started with do-it-yourself legal services.  I think that making real progress will help you feel better.  I also think that when it is final you will feel better.  I don't have a support network, either, and I often don't know how I will do it  myself, and I have been separated for over a year, waiting for things to be finalized in the courts.  So I do things like get on mothering.com when I should be cleaning the house....I don't know why you think you will be alone forever, or never have more kids.  I am 40 but...if I had a relationship where I wanted more kids, I would adopt one.  And I don't think that just because I am alone for these few years, that I will always be alone.  Solitary can be good for the soul, and though when I do finally get to date I will have more wrinkles...I think the self-knowledge I am gaining will shine through.  Also, nutritional therapy does wonders for me.

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#6 of 8 Old 09-05-2011, 07:56 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sren View Post

What I hear in your post is that you are feeling the loss of the dreams that you had for yourself and your family.  I hear you!  I have been separated since May and I am still amazed that I don't miss my husband.   But the loss of our intact family and not having the kids' father around to share their beauty with and not having him to grow old with as we had planned-- all of this breaks my heart.


yes very very much so. i also do not miss my husband, and i actually feel terrible saying that.  but i have felt so much more peace in my home with him gone that i have ever felt.  i do miss the image though, the happy intact family, most especially for our son, even though i know our relationship issues tear him apart and he does better when we are not together. i do hate that it's come to this for his sake.  i think i most grieve for future bio children, and siblings close in age to my son.  i never wanted for him to be an only child, that perhaps breaks my heart more than anything else.
 

Quote:

Originally Posted by Emilie2 View Post

hug2.gif  I have been there. It took me four years to get over the fear that I would live alone forever.  I am still not completely over the happy family loss.

I do have two kids and feel complete in that area. 

There is a thread on here about what we love about  being a single mom and I like to read that from time to time.

I am not doing as well alone raising two kids and would love to find a partner to share a life with.

But for now i look at the upside to being alone and my perspective changed. Go read that thread.... I don't know how to link or i would link it for you.

This time will pass. Allow yourself to grieve.   Do not rush yourself thru it or it will just take more time in the long run.

 



thanks for the heads up to that thread, i had not heard of it, and will look it up :)

 

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by provocativa View Post

I say, March is too long to have waited to file.  I think you need to find a way to file papers- if there are no abuse issues and you will have joint custody, you could at least get things started with do-it-yourself legal services.  I think that making real progress will help you feel better.  I also think that when it is final you will feel better.  I don't have a support network, either, and I often don't know how I will do it  myself, and I have been separated for over a year, waiting for things to be finalized in the courts.  So I do things like get on mothering.com when I should be cleaning the house....I don't know why you think you will be alone forever, or never have more kids.  I am 40 but...if I had a relationship where I wanted more kids, I would adopt one.  And I don't think that just because I am alone for these few years, that I will always be alone.  Solitary can be good for the soul, and though when I do finally get to date I will have more wrinkles...I think the self-knowledge I am gaining will shine through.  Also, nutritional therapy does wonders for me.



i agree it feels like this has been so prolonged, but my husband has been so incredibly private about our circumstances that he did not even tell his own parents about our separation until June and they pestered both of us for details about why endlessly and he has refused to answer, and didn't want me to either.  so they just found out about the extent of our relationship issues last month when i finally wrote his mother.  my grandmother just found out a couple weeks ago, so in that respect, it feels like the separation is new, since most people are just finding out about it now.

 

i guess the anxiety about a future partner is because i am a very private person, i don't let others get close to me.  i have one (only one) friend who i have ever truely let into my inner most self (even my husband was not allowed in that far), so i am very skeptical of finding someone i would be willing to be so vulnerable with, who shares my values, wants to be a step-dad etc etc etc. it just seems so totally out of the realm of possibility.

 

with regard to more kids, i actually added that to my bucket list a few weeks ago: that if by 36 i still have no prospects for a partner, i will do artificial insemination.  that gives me some time to save up some money and readdress finance and career goals.  i never ever had considered this option, but i have such a strong desire to have another pregnancy and birth experience.  I decided many years ago I would adopt (my husband didn't share this dream very strongly), so I do still intend to pursue that goal, but that's less time-framed in my mind.


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#7 of 8 Old 09-07-2011, 05:14 AM
 
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In response to, Does it really ever get better? I think that yes, for the vast majority of us, it does get better. 

 

It's only been six months, and like you said, it sounds like there hasn't really been a lot of closure and instead maybe some re-experiencing of older pain due to family just finding out about your separation. I think it's ok to allow yourself time to grieve--and I also relate to you and the few others who mentioned not specifically missing your XH but really needing to process the grieving that happens around the loss of your life dreams, all the visions you had for your "intact family," the ideas of sharing a life and raising children together--all of that was (and is) the hardest for me to let go of, and felt the most painful. I will say that that pain and feelings of loss have slowly but surely lessened, and I've been separated almost exactly one year (our divorce will be final this afternoon, actually). 

 

I'm so glad that you're reaching out to forums like this, especially considering that you don't have a large physical support network. It might be worth it to look into your community resources--I went to a Divorce Support Group for a few months, it was a structured, 8-week program through my city's Women's Center. It was helpful and good to meet other women having similar experiences (I have a very large support network, but few friends who have experienced divorce with young children, or abusive relationships). There are also local meet-up groups for singles/divorced people, and those can be found online and be a good way to meet new people in a group setting where there is no pressure for anything but casual interaction. In my area they meet up for dinner and various activities about once a month. I know it seems like, being a private person like you said, the idea of being close to another person will be very hard...and to be sure, you need to be open to it for it to happen...but it might also happen more naturally after developing a friendship with someone, yeah? You don't even need to "date," if that seems too soon or too daunting for you--you could take a class, get involved in some local volunteerism or something where you could meet other like-minded folks and form some new friendships at first.

 

I also agree with provocativa that nutritional therapy and some time alone focused on intensive self-care can be such a good thing. At least for me, there was a period (and it's still going on, actually) after separation with my XH where I felt like I had to really figure out who I was, because I had been so enmeshed with XH that I wasn't even sure about what I wanted to do, what I liked and felt passionate about, what hobbies I might like to explore--etc. Even though I feel like I have wayyy more work to do in that area, the little I've done has done wonders for my self-esteem and, as a result, I can see that it is attractive to others. 

 

Glad you're here! It will get better!


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#8 of 8 Old 09-07-2011, 04:45 PM
 
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Wow, sorry you are hurting but good for you for reaching out! First, you should give yourself a break emotionally re your DS.  I have to remind myself sometimes, but fully believe that not being in a bad relationship is what is best for my kids.  Sounds like you are in a peaceful place on some levels, though mourning the end of a "family."  I have those days (especially when my 6yo tells me it is "time for you and daddy to get undivorced now." and cries).  Might it help to both give yourself time (with things like the baby clothes) but move along re paperwork, etc.?  

 

Good luck and stay connected here if it helps you...I know it helps me!


Mom to two terrific kiddos, affirming every day that the Universe is unfolding as it should and all is well...

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