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#1 of 12 Old 09-05-2011, 08:11 AM - Thread Starter
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DH and I have agreed our marriage is over, well we pretty much agreed this a year ago but he refuses to move out.  I've been asking him to move out for the last year.  He says he is only in it for financial reasons, he is verbally/emotionally abusive, very critical, calls me and the kids names, etc.  It is horrible living with him.  He is also very controlling, and he says he will decide when it's over, he will decide when he moves out and he has made some threats around the financials etc. when we do separate.  We've lived in separate bedrooms for 2 years and I consider us separted.


He says he is not emotionally ready to look after his own home, shovel his own snow, look after himself etc. (he lived at home until he was 30, when we met, and then with me).  He says he wants to wait another year or two.  He also wants to drag it out as long as possible as he thinks it will increase the amount of spousal support I will have to pay him (I make more than him).


He has never been physically violent, but he has a temper and there are times where I've been scared of him.  I tried again to push the separation recently and he left me a threatening message at my office.  The police were involved, and it is on file. But b/c there is no history of violence and there wasn't a direct specific threat of harm (more "I will make your life miserable, you don't know what I'm capable of...") they couldn't do anything.  But they did say one of us (he or I) have to leave the home as soon as possible.  It also made me realize that there is no way we can work through the separation under the same roof, which was what I had hoped.


He has said in the past that he sometimes gets so mad at people he actually wants to kill them.  At counseling, they always told him that his anger at me was out of proportion to the "offense" (me not emptying the laundry fast enough etc.).  In 10 years he has never raised a hand to me, yet I would not be surprised if he lashed out in anger if he got mad enough.  He does not seem to have the capacity to care about another human being, others are like "things" that serve his purpose or don't.  He cares a LOT about money and has said he will even become permanently disabled if that is what it takes to get lifetime support from me.  He has faked disabilities in the past to get time off work and his dad has done the same, and has a doctor and lawyer who will apparently "lie" for him.


So bottom line, I'm scared of him, but there is not enough there to get a restraining order, peace bond or anything legal to force him to move out.  I also know that would just make him madder.  And I'm not 100% sure if the danger is real or not, but my instincts are on full alert to beware.  He will not move out.  I cannot live with him for another year (and I'm sure he'll have another excuse then).  I want to keep the kids in their home and at their same school, and my lawyer agreed that this is a priority.  We will lose tens-of-thousands of dollars if we sell versus me buying him out, and he knows this - that he will be better off financially if I buy him out versus selling, but I can't get him out!


I've talked to the bank and he can have his half within 24-hours, but he's refusing to go.  He says he's not emotionally or physically ready to care for himself, his own home, shovel his own snow, clean his own house, mow his own lawn, etc.  I feel like I cannot live like this for one more day.  He belittles me and the kids constantly, daily.


Anyone have any creative ways to get him to leave ASAP!!!??






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#2 of 12 Old 09-05-2011, 09:16 AM
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There probably isn't anything you can do unless you file for divorce. To keep him on his best behavior, the only thing you can do is have other people around 24/7. The threat of having a witness might be enough to worry him into being kinder. He sounds like a real jerk. If you're positive he has faked disabilities, you ought to turn him in. Don't threaten to. Just do it. My ex was a sneaky ********, and I learned with him it was better just to act and not talk. Do what you need to do, ignore his threats (better yet, get them on tape), and just move forward. It's like giving birth. The only way out is through, and the more you prolong it, the more problems it's going to create. If he won't sell, just take him to court. Let a judge decide things. It's better than being slowly strangled by a 12 yr old man. Judges are often so sick of jerks like your ex, that it's easy for them to see through the act. 


Also, the knowledge of a crime, such as his fraudulent claims, can bite you in the rear later if it ever gets discovered that you aided in his fraud. Maybe now is a good time to report him, keep your name clear, and just maybe he'll go to jail for it. That would teach him a lesson and get him out of your hair. You might ask your lawyer how you could do that. I doubt he'd get spousal maintenance after that.  


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#3 of 12 Old 09-05-2011, 10:36 AM
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I know the financial loss of you leaving is greater, but you've got to get out. And yes - ideally you'd be able to keep your kids in the home and neighborhood they know, but I think there's a greater risk to them of continuing to witness the demise of their parents relationship in this way.


He's not ready to care for himself or a home? Not your problem. 


He'll decide when it's over? Hell no, he won't. He's abusing you mentally and emotionally which is horrible, and not a good thing for your kids to be exposed to. And I agree - if he's involved in anything fraudulent that you have proof of, turn him now. Then line up a new place to stay and file for divorce. 


Even though he's never physically abused you, threatening you with harm is the first step in that direction. I know this is going to sound extreme - but to save your own life, you've just got to leave 100%.


While these are tough decisions to make, in the long run you've got to be there for your kids - yes, they're going to have some pain, sadness and disruption now, but in the long run they're going to have a safer, calmer life with a happier, healthier mom. 

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#4 of 12 Old 09-05-2011, 05:16 PM
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Have you spoken to a lawyer? It sounds like it is time to file for divorce and I am thinking they can give him an order to get out?  I feel for you mama. I wish I had stayed in our family home- I hope you are able to.... I believe you are.

These things are not your problem.  He can't take care of himself?  He is 40 years old it's time he figure it out.

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#5 of 12 Old 09-05-2011, 06:37 PM
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He doesn't have to leave without a court ordering him to.  You need to file for divorce.  Eventually, it will be sorted out who stays and who leaves.


Whatever you do, do not leave.  If you take the kids with you, he can file to have them returned.  And a judge is very likely to grant that.  The judge may also grant him exclusive use of the family home and temporary custody of the kids.  If you don't take the kids with you, your stbx can claim abandonment.   As hard as it is, you need to stay put. 

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#6 of 12 Old 09-05-2011, 08:23 PM
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Get thee to a lawyer, stat. And good luck. Dating a narcissist is no fun. My advice is to document everything, work with a really great lawyer, and read everything you can about narcissists. It'll help you fight the battle if you know more about the personality disorder.

My other piece of advice, and this is really hard, but stop engaging with him. Don't give him anything back. Be like a blank slate. Don't respond to his threats, don't get tangled into any fights, don't let him see that he's hurting you. Stop caring about him and his actions. Take all his threats with a huge grain of salt. Just get to a lawyer as fast as you can, get the ball rolling, and be as businesslike as you can. In fact, if you have to deal with him, you can pretend like you're your own secretary.

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#7 of 12 Old 09-05-2011, 09:21 PM
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Can you lock him out and leave his stuff on the lawn? Check with the lawyer on that one one.

Or just bite it and find you and the kids a new residence and do the "thief in the night" thing on him. That way, he won't have a key and he won't know where you've gone.

But please, break away from this man.
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#8 of 12 Old 09-06-2011, 04:39 AM
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Originally Posted by philomom View Post

Can you lock him out and leave his stuff on the lawn? Check with the lawyer on that one one.

Or just bite it and find you and the kids a new residence and do the "thief in the night" thing on him. That way, he won't have a key and he won't know where you've gone.

But please, break away from this man.

If she locks him out, the cops will let him back in.  She needs a court order that gives her exclusive use of the home to lock him out.


And doing the "thief in the night" can cost her custody of the kids. 


She does need to break away from him, but she nor the kids are in imminent danger or else she would be able to get a restraining order.  To protect the kids, she needs to go through the proper legal channels.  What the OP needs to do is start recording (check to find out if your state is a one-party or a two-party state when it comes to recording conversations) all conversations with him. 

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#9 of 12 Old 09-06-2011, 05:16 AM
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I'm sorry.  My stbx won't move out either so I totally understand.  It's a really rough spot to be.  And it's hard to be the only adult in the house putting the children's needs first.

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#10 of 12 Old 09-06-2011, 06:43 AM
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Don't worry about restraining orders or talking to the bank or whatnot right now - file for divorce!  What you need is to not be married to this person any more.  That gets him out of the house - and permanently.  It sounds like you've looked into everything except for actual divorce - so maybe you still want to be married to him, but if you don't, yup: Divorce.


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#11 of 12 Old 09-06-2011, 06:28 PM
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i have been through this exactly.  document, document, document.  tape him.  start a log with what he says, when, his exact words.  he will flinch in court when they are presented back to him.  and get a lawyer.  in my state, when i filed, a week or two later there was an initial hearing to establish the temporary order.  we went to mediation, they gave me temporary residence in the maritial home with the kids, he had a week or so to get the frack out.  with his prior behavior, he got only supervised visits with the kids.  fight for all you can in this mediation or the temporary hearing....finalizing ours has been on hold for a year.  get the best lawyer you can- you need a barracuda to fight him.  my X has narcissistic personality disorder, you should look it up!~

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#12 of 12 Old 09-07-2011, 05:57 AM
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The only thing I can add to the great advice you've received is this: if your lawyer isn't willing to work with you on a strategy to get your STBX out of the house, then fire him/her and get another lawyer. Your lawyer works for you. I agree with other mamas; filing for divorce asap and getting to a temp hearing for custody is the logical next step, considering the fact that your spouse will not cooperate. He's not willing to care for himself? Too bad. He can learn.


I had to fire my first lawyer because she just wasn't recognizing that I needed a proactive strategy to deal with my X; she was used to dealing with women who'd been raped and beaten by their husbands. My case just wasn't "bad enough" in her eyes, so she didn't do anything except tell me to go to mediation....mediation with a narcissist is ridiculous! She didn't understand that emotional and psychological abuse are just as damaging as physical abuve. When I found my second lawyer and told her the story of my marriage, she was horrified and came up with a straight forward strategy. It all paid off: 10 months later I was divorced and had sole custody.

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