Fighting for custody..what issues are brought up? - Mothering Forums
Single Parenting > Fighting for custody..what issues are brought up?
JaneDeerGirl's Avatar JaneDeerGirl 07:47 AM 09-08-2011

For those of you who have been through the nastiness, what issues are brought up?


I pride myself on being prepared and educated. In this case, I don't know what the other side will be attacking and therefore what I need to have to defend myself.


I live in MA and I think they are a pretty liberal state. Do I have a chance of winning against him?


How do you prove "parental alienation"?

Mom31's Avatar Mom31 08:27 AM 09-08-2011

Yes you have a great chance of winning against him.

You did not divulge many details....

Things like who is child s primary caregiver- who takes kids to dr. Who do they live with?

I would look deeply at yourself and see what they could use against you and tell your lawyer about it.


JaneDeerGirl's Avatar JaneDeerGirl 09:36 AM 09-08-2011

Sorry about the lacking details. redface.gif


I have been the primary caregiver, even after I went back to work. Now I'm laid off.


Since he left last October he has them Weds night and EOW. I take them to the Drs, if I was at work, he did. I make the appts. I write the notes. I fill out the soccer and girl scout paperwork, all the school paperwork. I use my address as their primary address.


He wasn't a 50/50 parent when we were married. When I pointed this out to him he got upset and ended the conversation. He's a narcissist. He doesn't like to be wrong.


He will admit to being a terrinle husband and father in the past, but has since "seen the light"' and knows what is important and says he deserves a second chance.


Like I said though, he hasn't actually TAKEN them 50% of the time since he proposed the idea, not that I've encouraged it either. The kids have done well with this arrangement, why on EARTH would he want to change it?!

tccandlsccmom's Avatar tccandlsccmom 11:31 AM 09-08-2011

Custody determinations are tricky and depend on state law.  One key thing is to document everything...and another is to continue to provide access to avoid being accused of PAS.  Finally, as previous poster said, you need to be honest and prepared re what might not be perfect about you.


Data matters to courts.  Who took kids to Drs/Dentists, daycare pick-up etc. (if applicable), who arranged parties, bought clothes, etc. can all be proven.  All of this matters going back in time to when kids were born to when you split, not as much since then.  The thing that matters now is building a record of your capacity to be the best co-parent (like arranging calls/cards to grandparents on his side on birthdays and holidays, providing regular access, etc.)


Do you have a shared on-line calendar so that you can show you are keeping him in the loop re activities?


Just a few thoughts...perhaps more later!  



JaneDeerGirl's Avatar JaneDeerGirl 01:34 PM 09-08-2011

Nothing yet. We tried to set something like that up. The Cozi Family Calendar or something. I could start maintaining that again.


We had our first baby 10 years ago. It will be hard to go back that far and get hard evidence that I was the one who did all this stuff. I guess it would be helpful to have examples of what I could obtain.


I will start a journal tonight and go forward with it in regards to what our daily routine is like.


As far as looking at myself, I am in the middle of a DCF investigation (done, just waiting on the report. Claims unsubstantiated) and have had EVERYTHING looked at with scrutiny already. Even my therapist!


He has NPD and has been emotionally and psychologically abusing me for years. He has the ability to make me question myself. The DCF inquiry actually showed me that I AM a good parent and while I make mistakes, I don't have to be perfect.


I was a BFing, cosleeping parent, am a GDing parent (though that has occasionally drifted but we are back on track now). I worked full-time (laid off 2 weeks ago), maintained a house, managed 3 kids on my own with a slew of activities, and scraped to make ends meet. I didn't do an amazing job, but the kids stayed healthy, did well in school and always had what they needed. My son was diagnosed as a Type I diabetic in June, he's been very stable and I don't have the option of slacking as a mom and I haven't.


I feel this is his last ditch effort at controlling me. I left him to have a better life and he is determined to prove that my life is nothing without him. Up to including using the kids against me. He is a bad man. There are no two ways about it. My parents tell me I kid myself when I say he's a good dad. I don't know. The kids are happy when they are with him and they love him. With this smack talking lately I'm only now questioning his fitness to care for them. I just can't believe he would say that stuff to them. :(


*sigh* I'll just keep plugging along like I have been and let the lawyers and courts do their thing.

zoeyzoo's Avatar zoeyzoo 02:07 PM 09-08-2011

My lawyer told me if we went to trial she was going to ask for something (can't remember the official term) that was a statement of what he was going to say in court so we could defend ourselves.