My marriage is falling apart, and I'm scared... and my poor DS is suffering. - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 7 Old 09-08-2011, 07:13 PM - Thread Starter
 
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My DH has a drug/alcohol problem.  He also works for a company that makes him travel and only come home every other weekend.  He told me two weeks ago that he's having an affair and wants a divorce.  He hoped I'd say, "how dare you!" and move out with our DS, 2yo.  However, I am also 30 wks pg, and said, I can't move out, I have nowhere to go, and I think our marriage is worth working on and saving, so I'm sticking this out.  He said he would continue supporting us, because he didn't want us to go to a shelter.

 

Since then, he's still seeing the other woman, when he's in town (which has only been one weekend), but goes from being a caring father/husband to abandoning us.  

 

Currently, he has overdrafted our bank account (so there will be no check this week, because it will just bring the account to $0), skipped work most of the week, (so there will be no check next week), and left his job/hotel today (I found out from a coworker sharing his hotel room tonight) and has been in town all day, presumably with the girlfriend, and won't answer the phone.  

 

I don't know how I'll get the bills paid.  I don't know how to keep trying to be married.  I am not coping well with this, and have been in the hospital twice in the last week with contractions, I go through periods of uncontrollable crying, am having nosebleeds, and nightmares that I wake up crying out in the night from.  My friends are doing the best they can, but aren't really supportive, because they have no idea how to be.  I have no family to help us financially.  The family I do have can talk on the phone to me, but they don't provide emotional support, either.  THey just reiterate what horror stories they have from men not being their for their kids after a divorce, and insist they have always thought DH had a "screw loose."  Which just makes me feel worse. My church hasn't been helpful.  They sent me to a counselor, who said I need marriage counseling. When I asked her how to cope with the stress to prevent contractions, etc. she said I should try to turn negative thoughts into positive ones.  That won't help me when my nose is bleeding, or when I'm unable to sleep at night.

 

I'm lost, scared and alone. DS's behavior is out the window, and I just don't have it in me to be the best mama I can be right now, which makes me feel awful.


Wife to DH (10/2004) ~ Mama to DS (1/2009) ~ belly.gif (11/2011)
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#2 of 7 Old 09-08-2011, 07:30 PM
 
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Hugs mama.... You are in a tough position.  You and your babies will be fine with or without your stbx.


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#3 of 7 Old 09-08-2011, 08:08 PM
 
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Yeah, it really sounds like you are unsupported in a lot of ways. I really feel for you. I hope there are folks here that can make suggestions. It is a hard time when you are at that point in the pregnancy and have a little one as well. I'm sure you don' thave time for yourself and it always seems frustrating when people say to take time for yourself when you are feeling boxed in. I don't know what the first step would be, but I would for sure tell my OB about what's happening. They should be able to talk about resources I would think and it also seems they should help with how to keep calm and protect your little one inside. At the very least, taking breathing breaks a few times a day and eating the best you can. You are strong to reach out. You looked for and found a way to share what's going on so you are strong and can handle what you need to. 

 

I don' tknow whether it's right to stay with your guy or not. I sure wouldn't want to. There's a book I like called "too good to leave, too bad to stay" or something like that. I know people can get over affairs, but it sure doesn't sound like he wants to. You have a whole slew of single mamas here who are making it happen and even loving itthumb.gif so know that that is possible for you too. This will be a rough time, but it will not last.

 

I hope this came across as supportive not like I'm telling you what to do or anything and I think there are resources out there to help you. 

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Mom to 11 y.o. lawyer, 9 y.o. actor, and 4 y.o. pilot. I believe 'em on those, too!

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#4 of 7 Old 09-09-2011, 07:34 AM
 
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Oh mama, I'm so sorry your H is being so selfish. I'd reach into the computer screen to give you a hug if I could.

 

It seems like you're going to need to take control of this situation because your H is in full flight mode. He isn't one bit concerned about his family`s well-being and you are going to have to protect yourself from his actions.

 

Regarding the bills, is it possible for you to get a loan from the bank? If not, I would talk to your bank right away about this situation. Also, do you work currently? Does you income come solely from him? Furthermore, I would call the utilities company and speak with someone about your situation. They always prefer to know what's going on instead of having to run after you with debt collection companies.

 

Seems to me that in your situation, you could use some debt relief. Do you have access to a social worker or a community center where you can find some resources locally? There must be help out there; it's just a matter of finding it.

 

 

 

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#5 of 7 Old 09-09-2011, 08:10 AM
 
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I'm sorry you're going through this at the most vulnerable time.  The early contractions must be very scary and I hope your docor can help you.

 

Ultimately, I think it will bring you great relief to make your exit plan.  If he'd confessed an affair, but was sorry and wanted to reconcile, maybe (maybe) I could see wanting to work it out.  But he is not honoring his marriage vows and is unapologetic and STILL with another woman!  So at this point, it's not really a marriage anymore except on paper.  Because he's also not supporting you in any way.  Oh and the drugs and alcohol?  This is not a family man.  This isn't someone working on his issues - he seems proud to flaunt them in your face.   

 

The fact is, if you were legally separated or divorced, you would not have to ask him for money and wonder where it's going to come from.  He would legally have to give you child support (and probably alimony/maintenance), or it would be taken right out of his paycheck.  In other words, leaving him will put you in control of your life again, rather than wondering and waiting all the time.  I totally get that at this moment, physically, you are not in a state to pack up and leave (nor should you and your children have to leave the marital home).  But just know that you DO have choices, and rights, that do not depend on his good will.

 

Sometimes counselors can be a wonderful resource - other times certain ones are just a waste of time.  I agree that the counselor did not give you a bit of practical advice!  She might as well have said, "A smile is a frown turned upside-down!"  It's condescending.  And how can you go to marriage counseling when your husband is not even acting like a married man, or wanting to.  It takes both people to want to make it work, you can't have a one-person marriage.  I think the most helpful advice you can get at this point is legal advice.  Even if you just go once right now, for a consultation (often free, just ask the receptionist) to get the lay of the land and find out what your rights would be if you separated... I think just knowing that there are real, tangible options that you have control over, as an equal adult, will be greatly helpful to you.  Waiting for your husband to shape up and act right will just leave you in the dust.

 

 

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#6 of 7 Old 09-09-2011, 08:26 AM
 
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I am not single; and I saw this on new post and just want to say miss lotus is right on. i'm so very sorry mama! I also wish that I could reach into the computer and give you a giant hug. (I also wish that I could slap your husband... but that's another matter).

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Originally Posted by MissLotus View Post

I'm sorry you're going through this at the most vulnerable time.  The early contractions must be very scary and I hope your docor can help you.

 

Ultimately, I think it will bring you great relief to make your exit plan.  If he'd confessed an affair, but was sorry and wanted to reconcile, maybe (maybe) I could see wanting to work it out.  But he is not honoring his marriage vows and is unapologetic and STILL with another woman!  So at this point, it's not really a marriage anymore except on paper.  Because he's also not supporting you in any way.  Oh and the drugs and alcohol?  This is not a family man.  This isn't someone working on his issues - he seems proud to flaunt them in your face.   

 

The fact is, if you were legally separated or divorced, you would not have to ask him for money and wonder where it's going to come from.  He would legally have to give you child support (and probably alimony/maintenance), or it would be taken right out of his paycheck.  In other words, leaving him will put you in control of your life again, rather than wondering and waiting all the time.  I totally get that at this moment, physically, you are not in a state to pack up and leave (nor should you and your children have to leave the marital home).  But just know that you DO have choices, and rights, that do not depend on his good will.

 

Sometimes counselors can be a wonderful resource - other times certain ones are just a waste of time.  I agree that the counselor did not give you a bit of practical advice!  She might as well have said, "A smile is a frown turned upside-down!"  It's condescending.  And how can you go to marriage counseling when your husband is not even acting like a married man, or wanting to.  It takes both people to want to make it work, you can't have a one-person marriage.  I think the most helpful advice you can get at this point is legal advice.  Even if you just go once right now, for a consultation (often free, just ask the receptionist) to get the lay of the land and find out what your rights would be if you separated... I think just knowing that there are real, tangible options that you have control over, as an equal adult, will be greatly helpful to you.  Waiting for your husband to shape up and act right will just leave you in the dust.

 

 



 


Texmati-- Knitter, Hindu, vegetarian, WOHM. Wife to superdadsuperhero.gif and mom to DS babyf.gif24 months, and DD boc.gif 8 months! .

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#7 of 7 Old 09-09-2011, 09:54 AM
 
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I totally agree with Miss Lotus too. In many states the debt and income divides when you separate so any debt, skipping work, etc. will not be your problem. Since this man has no interest in his family right now I would work on how to protect your self. That will include things like opening bank accounts in your name only, making an exit plan, getting legal advice. I would also collect any evidence you have regarding the affair, drinking, drugs, etc.Even in a no fault divorce state they should help you with custody should he fight you.

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