Help me find some peace... - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 7 Old 09-10-2011, 05:51 AM - Thread Starter
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My husband and I have been separated for 5 months...4 weeks after we separated he had a new girlfriend and immediately wanted her to be involved in our DD's lif (at that time she was 5 months old).  I advocated very hard to have him not do this...mainly because he did not put any time in to bond with her while we were together (therefore needs to have one-in-one time with her now even moreso), and also because his pattern with women is always very impulsive and I fear DD will be introduced to a long list of women throughout her life.  I felt so strongly this way that I put a clause in our Agreement stating we both have to wait 6 months before she is introduced to a new partner.  So far he has complied with this, although I have been told by his sister that he wanted to go behind my back, but his family wouldn't let him.  His relationship 6 month mark will be coming up in November (which he reminds me of all the time), just after DD's 1st birthday.  


I have accepted that this other woman is going to be in my DD's life.  I have no desire whatsoever to be with my ex, so there aren't mixed emotions there.  Lately, as the time draws closer I find myself feeling insecure....worrying that my DD will love his GF more than me etc.  I realize these feelings are a little irrational as DD is with me 95% of the time and we are very attached.  I co-sleep and do not CIO and she is a very joyful little girl.  However, I just don't know how to deal with these feelings that another woman will be playing a role in her life (and isn't her Nana etc).  I know my ex will defer to his GF and probably try and have her do the caregiving.  I am going to have to drop her off at his GF's house for his visitation because he has moved in there immediately (another story...).  


How have you guys dealt with these feelings?  Just breathe, I suppose...



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#2 of 7 Old 09-10-2011, 12:25 PM
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Oh, this sounds SO hard.  I have no idea if my ex is seeing anyone (he lives out of state and is very hostile) but I dread the day when I have to cope with this.  I think the break-up has made me so much more insecure with my mothering than I should be (I can verbalize why I am a really good mom, but getting my gut to fully believe it is hard...). So another female in their lives, when it happens, will be hard.  Your idea of breathing is good.  And just keep doing what you are doing...sounds like you are an excellent parent.  hug.gif

Mom to two terrific kiddos, affirming every day that the Universe is unfolding as it should and all is well...

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#3 of 7 Old 09-10-2011, 02:41 PM
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It is hard but what always helped me is knowing that someone was taking care of my kids while at their dad's house.  Don't worry about your child getting close to someone else, they will be more like a friend or at best, an aunt.  As her mom, no one can take your place!

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Author of "The Adoptive & Foster Parents Guide: How to Heal Your Child's Trauma and Loss"


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#4 of 7 Old 09-11-2011, 07:01 AM
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My ex has had a live in girlfriend for over two years and is marrying her next weekend.

It is hard. They are close to this woman especially dd. But remember you are her only mother.  You really do adjust I promise and it becomes a new normal. I cringe when they call me by her name- etc... but they call me dad sometimes to. lol.





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#5 of 7 Old 09-12-2011, 10:41 AM
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Hugs, mama, sounds like you've set some reasonable boundaries and it's a good sign that he is (even relutctantly) following them.  In my case, my ex had left me while I was pregnant w/ dd2 for another woman, then later married her...allowing her into the kids life was very tough.  But in the end, she's very sweet with the girls, in some ways dotes on them (she only has sons herself), and they enjoy spending time together.  No matter how much they love having her do their hair, or do craft projects, there isn't a chance in the world that they'd ever choose her over me.  I'm their mama, and they know it. 


In some ways, it's be a little healing in my situation to have taken the high road, and been the mature adult in the situation out of the three of us.  And there have been times that I have been glad their stepmom was around, so that they weren't totally stuck with their dad (although he's, amazingly, changed a lot).  I'm sure she'll be helpful to them in the future, and that's the best I can hope for. 


As far as your ex and bonding with the baby, is that something you can request, that regardless of who else is around, that he spend one-on-one time with her?  Maybe even just bathtime or bedtime or something, maybe you could see if there are roles he would keep to himself to ensure he's bonding (and also getting if this girlfriend leaves, then he'll still know what's going on). 


Most of all, though, don't fear being replaced...there's no one quite like a mother. 

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#6 of 7 Old 09-19-2011, 07:09 PM - Thread Starter
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Thank you everyone for your responses.  It is something I am learning to just accept and just reminding myself of my bond with my DD.  This situation will likely occur over and over again (unless of course he and his GF stay together forever....which really...haha), so I need to just let go.  


As for asking that he do the parenting so he can bond...honestly if I even suggested that he would scoff at me and say he does already and not to tell him what to do.  He is the type of man who "knows everything about everything" and never takes direction.  


I can only control myself.

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#7 of 7 Old 09-19-2011, 08:11 PM
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i know it is easier said than done, but please do not worry about your bond with your dd! You are her one and only Mom!!! No other woman can take your place!!


Sbx spends all his time weith "the other woman" and I wish them well. it is hard at times, but even though I am glad my children like and get on well with her and her son, I know I am the one they cuddle up to and feel free to talk about anything with. My 12 yr old son has even become more cuddly!! (He has sensory issues and normally doesn't like to be touched) 

No matter who is president, I will live life with an open and loving heart, kindness, and tolerance of all good people. I will stand against racism, sexism, and all prejudices!
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