Separation? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 6 Old 09-10-2011, 10:47 PM - Thread Starter
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I have bought every book on both how to save a marriage,  and how to divorce, hoping for the best but not want to be unprepared for the worst.  My marriage went off the rails around the time my child was 18 months, my son is now 9.   Ever year my husband spent less and less time with me, until it was 3 years before he could find the time to have a meal with me.  Finally took us (he was not excited to go) to a therapist.  In session 1 she managed to get my husband to admit he was suffering from depression and has a drinking problem.  Therapist found a specialist for him to call - but he never did. By session 3 we stopped seeing the therapist.  This was my choice,  as therapist felt I was "materialistic" for worrying about how I would feed and provide a home for my child,  if I left a husband who drinks and verbally abuses me anytime he's angry. Not the supportive therapy I was hoping for,  and still hope to find a good therapist just for the sake of better communication, not any false hope that the marriage can be saved.   In June I found my husband had not paid any of his bills or any bills for accounts we hold jointly.  My personal/private accounts are all up to date but he has ruined my credit rating none the less.  

I think 7 years of trying to make a marriage work - is giving it your all.  If he refuses therapy, and he does, how can anything get better.  He is even using the debt he created as an excuse not to go to therapy.  He has become verbally abusive and I dread weekends or nights after work. He just comes to stand,  in whatever room I am trying to sit in peace,  and yells, " Liar, Liar Liar..." at me like a mantra.  His concern is  not to fix the marriage but making sure he is not " blamed" for the bills he did not pay.  This is his only concern, not that a marriage of 20 years is in shreds, and that breaks my heart.  His image of himself is more important then the over all health of our family or marriage.  All this is hurting our wonderful son.  I spent every penny I had last year to get our son the best therapist in our area.  This angered my husband too, though not one session was paid for from his salary, and our son loved his therapist and felt good going to one and feeling heard.

For any woman who lives in NY State and knows the state laws.  Do I file for separation with the debt hanging over our head, or try to fix it first?  Will I get child support if we reside in the same house during separation? He refuses to move out and we do not have enough for 2 residences.  I make a few thousand a year, he makes 6 figures.  I care for our child full time and have his entire life.  Is there a book, a web site or anyplace I can go for solid advice on what to expect from legal separation?  I read it takes a year from legally separating to get a divorce, but the books I've read do not make clear what legal rights the child or parents have during this year.  Would be grateful for any information, book or site to find out more on what is the next step to take, and how to separate, get enough to feed my child, and how to keep as much stability for my child as possible.  I know I will be a single parent soon, but want to make the right steps from the starts as the books list so many horrible stories of what can go wrong. Want to move forward but do not want to make the wrong first move.


Thank you,


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#2 of 6 Old 09-11-2011, 06:59 PM
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Hey there, I'm sorry you are going through this. It's pretty familiar to me. I don't know anything about the laws, and all I've read are books like 'divorce for dummies' ;) but from what i've learned here, if you want him to pay any of the debt, you need to let it ride until the divorce is complete. if you pay it off while married, but it all comes from your salary, you won't get any back. If hwile you are married you can get it paid off from his salary that would be good. however, if you know it is all gonna com eout of your pocket, at least wait until the D and then he will ahve to pay at least half. Not sure if that's the deal in NY but I did talkt o a lawyer here and that's what i have to do. it's frustrating to have my credit on the line, but i am trying to pay minimums and ride this out. 


again, i don't know anything really about law or NY, but I wish you a lot of luck.


Mom to 11 y.o. lawyer, 9 y.o. actor, and 4 y.o. pilot. I believe 'em on those, too!

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#3 of 6 Old 09-12-2011, 10:34 AM
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I don't know the laws in your state but the best thing to do would be to call some lawyers in your area. Most offer a free consultation. Learn your rights and what your courts offer. Many courts have a form to make a parent leave, ways to divide the debt, etc.

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#4 of 6 Old 09-20-2011, 04:59 AM - Thread Starter
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Thank you all for advice. I am seeing a lawyer
this week. The verbal abuse is escalating with
husband's inability to manage the debt. I can not
talk to him or fix any of our problems when he
just hurls foul comments calls me words no
man ever should call a woman.
Am scared - but no one should live with someone
who lies about money, doesn't support their child,
and tries to deflect his issues in a stream of
verbal abuse. I've had enough.
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#5 of 6 Old 09-20-2011, 11:34 PM
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Sounds like it is time to talk with someone....stay strong and try to figure out what is best for you and your son.  Hugs through this stressful time...hug2.gif

Mom to two terrific kiddos, affirming every day that the Universe is unfolding as it should and all is well...

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#6 of 6 Old 09-21-2011, 04:01 PM
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If you are at the point at which you definitely know you are leaving (or asking him to leave), and it sounds like you have definitely exhausted all resources for staying, then your next step is a lawyer. There's only so much practical, legal information we can give you here because so much depends on your circumstances and state regulations.


Have you seen a lawyer yet? Many will do a free initial consultation, about 30 min or so, and you can get a feel for whether you like the person, whether they'll be able to represent your interests well, and what steps you need to take.



Mom to DD 10 and DS 8.
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