Sometimes I feel like I just can't do this. (probably a rant) - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 10 Old 09-15-2011, 11:50 AM - Thread Starter
 
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To preface: I am sick right now. I have a severe head cold and I can't think properly. I've missed two days of school, one day which was a math review for the first test of the most intense math class I've had yet. I haven't had a chance to get caught up on sleep from the grave I work friday night and then stay up the entire day afterwards, because my two-year-old was sick and now I've got it. 

 

I can't do it all. I put so much pressure on myself to do well in school so that I can someday support my daughter, and I feel like I just can't keep up on everything. Forget the house being clean, the sink is full of dishes and there is stuff everywhere. I am kind of ocd about cleaning by nature so this alone makes me feel like everything is more chaotic then it is. I can't keep up on all the things I need to be doing for my daughter: being consistent on discipline (the corner for tantrums, etc), potty training, brushing teeth twice a day, feeding her healthy meals, spending quality time with her. I can't keep up on all of that, AND school, AND sleep when I have to work the grave shift because the only babysitting I can get is for night time. Three days will go by and I'll realize I've not had the time to shower or do laundry. Which in turn is why I feel so self conscious and scroungy everywhere I go, but my appearance is of course, last priority. 

 

I can't do this. How am I supposed to do this? AND I'M SICK? If I feel like I can't do this when I'm not sick, how can I possibly do this while I'm sick? If I get behind in school now (may be too late for that) I will be stressed out spending the rest of the semester trying to get caught up. And I am just not one of those people who can slide by doing the bare minimum and still manage to get A's. I have to study REALLY hard just to stay caught up with the other students. 

 

I feel like a failure. I feel like the worst mother because I don't have the time to devote to her. I feel like I'll never get through this and I just feel so incredibly worthless.

 

But thank you if you managed to get through this message and if anyone out there relates to what I'm saying, even in the slightest.

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#2 of 10 Old 09-15-2011, 01:05 PM
 
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Mama, you've got SO MUCH on your plate it's unbelievable. I don't know your backstory, but is it possible for you to ask for help from friends and family, just to get some sleep, or get things straightened out at home? If you're sick, your body is telling you it needs more rest...what's possible with regards to moving things around a smidge in your schedule?

 

And...try not to stress about cleaning and stuff. That's unimportant compared to your health.

 

*hugs* to you. I hope tomorrow is a better day.

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#3 of 10 Old 09-15-2011, 06:27 PM
 
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Oh this sounds SO hard! I think being sick is the worst part of single parenting for me...because it feels like I (similar to you) try to fit in a lot, and then can get off-kilter from not being me.  PP is right to ask if you can call someone for help ... can you?  

On a longer-term level, one thing that has helped with my perfectionism, etc. is FLYLADY -- it is a supportive home organizational program that helps break things into 15 minute (or shorter) chunks and has proven invaluable to me.

Hugs to you and your little one. Things will get better in the short term, and even better just a little longer term, I am sure! 

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#4 of 10 Old 09-15-2011, 06:52 PM
 
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How many classes are you taking? Could you possibly scale back?Your dd needs a healthy non stressed mom more than she needs a great job for her mom. imo. I have chosen to not go to school til I am more settled and kids are older.

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#5 of 10 Old 09-15-2011, 06:55 PM
 
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I know how you feel. I had a migraine Wed am and I thought all the balls I'm juggling are falling right now. I can't do it. i can't even feed my kids this morning, much less get them to school, much less get myself to school and face all those students...but i just started the job and can't afford to mess it up and need to save sick days for when we get flus and such. I already felt like I'm constantly dropping all those balls. It's too hard. But then, when I think a step farther, I realize I wouldve been in exactly the same situation when I was with him...because he would never think to pick up the slack...and so I would just have the resentment heaped on top of the rest. 

 

I do think you will be able to do this. But it sure feels rough sometimes. Try to let go of the cleaning. I know this isn't PC but maybe for a little while, it's paper plates. And the toothbrushing...well, they are baby teeth right. they're gonna fall out anyway ;) Unless potty training is required for daycare or something, I'd wait for a few months. It will happen best when you are not super stressed. 

 

Also, from the teacher/professor perspective, I always tell students: if you are doing poorly talk to your teacher about it. No teacher wants to see a student fail. Don't go in with a bunch of excuses, but just be very straight: I haven't done as well as I'd like (maybe include that there have been some personal factors at play) and I would like to catch up and do well in your class. What can I do at this point to make sure that I do well in your class? Almost any teacher/prof will help you come up with an action plan. 

 

You are not a bad mother; youa re a deeply caring mother who worries about taking really good care of her little one now and in the future and they get that. That's what matters. 


Mom to 11 y.o. lawyer, 9 y.o. actor, and 4 y.o. pilot. I believe 'em on those, too!

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#6 of 10 Old 09-17-2011, 09:13 AM
 
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Hugs mama. I can totally relate. While I am totally lucky to be able to have an apartment at my mother and step-dads, and thus not have to work, I can empathize with where you are coming from. I have three boys at home 7, 5, and 2. My older two are in 2nd and K. Little guy is home with me. I have a 12 yo DD who lives with her father in another state (first x, different dad from DSs). I am in school to be a nurse. This last weekend, I was very ill, fever, cough, headache, chills. Little guy was sick too. I had to take care of the kids (meals, clothes, cleaning, etc) while trying to study for a test that was on Tuesday. Little guy and I ended up with pneumonia when we went to the dr. Luckily the older two boys havent gotten anything. So I can empathize. One thing I hate about being a single mom is everything that is on me. And when I am sick, it's still on me. The dr told me "get plenty of rest". I was laughing on the inside. Ya right.

 

So yes...it is a lot to deal with alone. The boys have homework, teachers, lunches. Little guy requires attention. I have homework, tests to study for. Clothes to wash, dishes to wash, meals to cook, etc. It is overwhelming at times. And even tho my mom and step dad are upstairs, they dont help much. So dont fret, you arent alone. I understand the pressure to do well in school...b/c I know that that is how I am going to support my boys. I am so happy I will be done in december. Only two tests left! So hang in there, mama. You arent alone.

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#7 of 10 Old 09-17-2011, 02:54 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for all the responses. I am still incredibly sick---I was starting to feel better yesterday because I held back on homework and got more sleep. Last night was my work night so I studied all night while working and took the most intense math test of my life this morning. My voice is gone, I haven't slept in dayyyyyys it feels like, and I think the cold has moved down to my chest. Fortunately I have no homework or classes until Tuesday so I plan to take it easy until then. 

 

As for scaling back my classes, I am only taking three currently, not even at full-time status. I've gone a few semesters only going part time with two evening classes, I was getting straight A's but realized school will take me 10 years if I do it that way. I decided to take three this semester, and it's just too hard to find the time for everything, also I jumped ahead a math course because my teacher thought I was ready, and I am clearly NOT ready but it's too late now. The classes are just more intense this semester and require more study time.

 

My parents let me rent their basement for a reasonable price, but they are only letting me do this as long as I am in school and they wanted me to step up to full-time this semester. I've tried to get members of my family to help me in times like these (when I'm sick or have too much on my plate), but my parents aren't able to help except to listen for her on the night I work a grave. My only sister who lives close by can't help because she has a newborn and she doesn't want to risk her family getting sick. 

 

In fact, just this morning I was talking to one of my sisters (venting mostly) about how difficult it's been this week what with school/work/sleep deprivation/illness/and taking care of my daughter with no help and she said something along the lines of "Everyone's lives are hard, get over it." The general consensus among my family is that parenting is hard, and being a single parent doesn't make your life any harder than any other parent. I disagree. Both my sisters that have children are stay at home moms, they get to focus mainly on their children. I realize that everyone has problems in life and she's right when she says "everyone's lives are hard in one way or another," but for once I would like my family to acknowledge what I do and the fact that it isn't easy. 

 

Right now I am offended, tired beyond belief, feeling run-down and fuzzy-headed, but relieved to be done with my math test, and I honestly don't even care how I did at this point. I studied so much that the numbers were just blurring together. This weekend I will do absolutely nothing except rest and spend time with Asia. At the end of the day, that's all I ever really want to do. 

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#8 of 10 Old 09-17-2011, 11:22 PM
 
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Your post actually brings me to tears. I can feel just how much pain your in and how HARD you are tying. You are doing so much! And you're doing it all so you can provide for your DD. That IS being a good mother. I think you should be proud of what you are doing and just keep doing your best. I don't have any tips or solutions, but I do know that most houses where kids live are not clean! Just wanted to send you a hug and let you know I think you're an awsome mom for giving it all of you! And hope you feel better soon. hug2.gif

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#9 of 10 Old 09-21-2011, 07:29 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by youremyheartkid View Post

To preface: I am sick right now. I have a severe head cold and I can't think properly. I've missed two days of school, one day which was a math review for the first test of the most intense math class I've had yet. I haven't had a chance to get caught up on sleep from the grave I work friday night and then stay up the entire day afterwards, because my two-year-old was sick and now I've got it. 

 

I can't do it all. I put so much pressure on myself to do well in school so that I can someday support my daughter, and I feel like I just can't keep up on everything. Forget the house being clean, the sink is full of dishes and there is stuff everywhere. I am kind of ocd about cleaning by nature so this alone makes me feel like everything is more chaotic then it is. I can't keep up on all the things I need to be doing for my daughter: being consistent on discipline (the corner for tantrums, etc), potty training, brushing teeth twice a day, feeding her healthy meals, spending quality time with her. I can't keep up on all of that, AND school, AND sleep when I have to work the grave shift because the only babysitting I can get is for night time. Three days will go by and I'll realize I've not had the time to shower or do laundry. Which in turn is why I feel so self conscious and scroungy everywhere I go, but my appearance is of course, last priority. 

 

I can't do this. How am I supposed to do this? AND I'M SICK? If I feel like I can't do this when I'm not sick, how can I possibly do this while I'm sick? If I get behind in school now (may be too late for that) I will be stressed out spending the rest of the semester trying to get caught up. And I am just not one of those people who can slide by doing the bare minimum and still manage to get A's. I have to study REALLY hard just to stay caught up with the other students. 

 

I feel like a failure. I feel like the worst mother because I don't have the time to devote to her. I feel like I'll never get through this and I just feel so incredibly worthless.

 

But thank you if you managed to get through this message and if anyone out there relates to what I'm saying, even in the slightest.


Mama - I feel you. I'm a single mom, full time student, I work, and I have a 4 year old daughter. Last night, my boyfriend said he was worried about me getting enough sleep. I was speechless. Of course I'm not getting enough sleep. I have to write a paper tonight, and I'll wake up at 6:30am to work on a bit more homework before getting us ready for school. Not to mention you know, a shower (which didn't happen), food, and so on. It is really, really, really hard. Take a deep breath, and do one project at a time. Make a ton of to-do lists, keep a planner, and know that you are NOT a bad mother whatsoever. Your daughter will see how hard you work and she will be proud of you. She will understand the value of dedication and passion, and it won't be this way forever. It's hard when they are this young, because they can't express their struggles outside of crying and/or misbehaving because that's their language and it happens to register with us as trauma and we want to fix it. Make a point to put yourself first sometimes, like, get time to take a shower. Do something that you enjoy (even if it's eating your favorite food, you know, something not terribly time consuming). You're working overnights, and you have an overnight sitter? Is there any way to change/shift things so that you don't lose your sanity? :) You're health will be the first to go, if you're not getting sleep and nutrition (and a little peace of mind). Have you sorted out other potential options? I'm not saying like, definite options, but just possibilities that maybe we can help you work with?

 


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#10 of 10 Old 09-21-2011, 07:30 AM
 
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Ahh just read this - forget my question about options. :) Can you see a tutor at school for your math class? Does your school offer tutoring services? Mine does...they are hidden in the library basement though :)


(sort of) single mama to one hearts.gif7/21/07. student, breastfeeding advocate, writer 

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