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Question of the Month: "When do you start thinking about how well your potential partner would mesh with your children as an important adult in their lives?"
Me and the Incredibly Nice Guy are celebrating our one year anniversary this weekend! Hard to believe how the time has flown. We were talking last night about having kids (still at some slightly amorphous point in the future) and about living together (which we already agreed wouldn't happen until we were engaged). There's a part of me that's just ready for our real lives together to start. I want to have a garden together, and wake up together every morning, that sort of thing. But I'm enjoying this phase as well. And I feel a lot of trust in him and in the relationship, so I don't feel worried or in a rush.
Jen, journalist, policy wonk, and formerly a proud single mama to my sweet little man Cyrus, born at home Dec. 2007 . Now married to my Incredibly Nice Guy and new mama to baby Arthur.
In answer to your question Butterfly...almost immediately, which is probably bad but I find it hard not to do that. My first priority is my DD; I actually broke it off with my last bf because I didn't think he was the right kind of man to be in her life as a "father figure". Now that I'm dating casually, the thought "is this the kind of man I would want in DD's life?" is always in the back of my mind. I dunno...mabe that's too much pressure to put on myself.
I'm seeing Mr.Marketing guy again today at lunch. We've been emailing back and forth since our last lunch and it's gone super well. He's really cute, funny and focused on his career. I still have questions about his being separated for only 7 months.
As for Mr. Fitness Trainer, I just haven't written him back. I don't know why. We got along great but...I don't know. Maybe there's no "spark". When we were having lunch, he had this 1 minute rant about firemen hanging out at the strip clubs and how it wastes the tax payers' money...and I got this flash of my exhusband...he used to rant a lot.
And then there's my friend/tango teacher...I don't know why but I've been thinking about him a lot.
Butterflymom, I think about that from the very beginning. I only recently started seeing someone after a very long hiatus from dating and that break was primarily because I wasn't willing to date men who were totally wrong for my family. I'm just not ok having my life all subdivided into separate chunks so, even though I will keep my dating life separate from my kids for a while, I want a partner who will be an integral part of my family. So far, this is the slowest I have ever gone at the beginning of a relationship and we haven't even talked much about kids in general, but it's always at the back of my mind and it will be a sticking point if we get much further along.
Robin~ single, work-at-home momma to my WonderBoys
YoungMan (6/00) & LittleBoy (6/04)
I'm coming out as newly into the dating world after a 3 year break. So I only have this one experience of dating as a mother too.
Butterflymom, I thought about it immediately. In large part because I was introduced to my guy by his mom. I've known her for about 2yrs. We were in a group therapy thing for DV victims together. So when it was finally OK for me to meet her son, it was a play date with our two children who are less than a year apart in age. It's not at all how I imagined I would do things. But it seems to be working well so far. Our children are both 3yo so in a way the lack of an age gap is easy, but then again, its total chaos at times! I guess I did have a different level of comfort since our introduction was different than any of my previous relationships, and his Mom knows my DD too. But I still thought about it right from the start.
I used to frequent the Single Parenting forum frequently a few years ago. And have popped on sporadically in the last few years, but not in quite a while now.
I am home, feeling sad and a bit alone and it suddenly occurred to me that I should come back here-- and connect with single mamas like me.
Just today I ended a relationship with a man I had been dating since January. It was the right thing to do. He is just 'unavailable' in the ways that I need. I have been down a different version of this road before, and been patient and understanding for years. I believe I am doing the right thing this time. And it is early enough in things that there are no hard feelings and we both feel like we can continue our friendship.
I am just surprised at how sad and weepy I am feeling.
In answer to the "question of the month" (new since I was last here--- neat idea!): immediately. In my own head, anyway. I try not to make immediate judgements, and I wouldn't introduce him to my DS for quite some time, but how can I not at least start to think about it. There is no point for me in dating someone who I do not think could mesh with my child, my parenting, etc.
I'm glad you single mamas are here and I can come back and connect.
I'm now going on more than a year with the guy I'm dating... however I'm still officially married. But I have no money for a divorce. Hopefully i can take care of that with tax return money.
Anyways, the guy I'm dating is still married and still lives with his "wife". Though she was one of the one's who got us together. They are good friends and can identify being married wasn't good or healthy for them. While they still care greatly for eachother as friends, they do not love eachother and havn't for years. I spent the weekend there and will be going this next weekend. We live in a wierd sort of world that works for us for now. She and I are friends and a bunch of us went out to the Art Museum on friday night to see a film. I ended up sitting next to her actually. On sunday I watched Rugby with her. LOL and other wierd things like she cooks us all dinner and makes sure Tim adn I get alone time together. We've all been so much happier people since Tim and I've been together. So it's a good thing.
It was so nice and totally relaxing to spend time with Tim. His leg was broke for like 2 months. So he's finally been let off crutches. MUCH better.
Not everything is great. I've been getting a bit of doubt with him. He gets a bit snappy at time. But the problem is he's more than half deaf. So when he snaps HUH, it's really because he didn't hear anything said. I dunno, at one point this weekend I just felt small. I was trying to talk to him about my parents getting a new place and he was all confused on either what I had previously said or what I was saying then. Either way we were lining up with our thinking and he was getting a bit snappy. Not loud, not yelling, but it made me uncomfortable.
: Mother (4/11/06) to Josephine and (4/23/09) to Oliver and baby (due June 1st)
Babies: Angel (6/29/02), Tiberius (3/8/11), Lillianna (12/27/11)
I am not dating right now, just focused on work, grad school & kids. I'd been really struggling up until a week or so ago, and now I feel like I'm myself again. life is good! I do want a partner at some point, but no prospects. I am sorry for your recent break up. Weepy is good, even if the break up is for the best; let the grief move through you & life will be brighter when you emerge.
"I am not dating right now, just focused on work, grad school & kids"
That's what I thought I was doing, and this guy at work kept asking me out for lunch.
8 might be enough
Welcome back, Other-Robin I'm sorry about your break-up but excited at what is available to you now =)
Shiloh, I think accidentally dating is probably the best kind!
Murph, does he wear a hearing aid (or should he be??) I can understand him getting frustrated over not understanding a conversation but it would only work for me if he was able to work out the misunderstandings quickly without holding resentments.
I've been dating my sweetie for a couple of months now and it's going remarkably well (like, I call him my sweetie, now). The idea of having my boys and him meet is coming to me more and more, so I might bring it up with him in the next month or so. I'm getting used to going slow with the relationship, but I don't want to get too much further along without knowing how they all get along. My kids are older (7 & 11) and their opinions are really important to me. My oldest has been asking more questions about him, wants to see a picture, etc, and I think he's trying to look out for me a little bit.
Robin~ single, work-at-home momma to my WonderBoys
YoungMan (6/00) & LittleBoy (6/04)
Hi everyone. I too start thinking about how the guy would gel with my child right from the start. That doesn't mean I'd introduce them immediately, but I tend to do so as soon as I'm sure it's a proper relationship, because otherwise I'd get too attached to someone only to have to possibly end it if they then turned out not to be able to deal with my son or have radically different parenting ideas. Robinchap, I remember you too ;) Rubelin, exciting to hear that things are still going well with your man and that you are moving towards introducing your kids - good luck! Zeta, sounds like you're in a healthy space, good for you :
I'm still seeing Carpenter - four months now - but honestly, the relationship just feels so background the last few weeks. Not that I don't still have strong feelings for him - though I've been feeling that less often - but we've been Skyping WAY less and texting lots less too (still daily, but not several times a day like it used to be), and this weakens the connection for me. It's been this way since he freaked out a bit at me saying I didn't feel things were quite the same - though he recovered from that a lot when i made a huge effort to go up and see him last week even though it's so far away and it was only for one night - it's like he is holding back now, understandably, and not investing as much in it. Totally understandable, but problem is that just makes me feel MORe disconnected. At the moment I'm just sort of seeing it as, he's a boyfriend that I see two or three times a month but really my own life here and my friends etc are way more important (and of course my son). Until we are living closer geographically I just can't see the intimacy proceeding the way I like relationships to go - but I'm enjoying the benefits of having it this way, realising i have loads more time to myself which since being a single mother I REALLY need. I wonder if a full on relationship, the way I used to do them pre-DS, is even possible or healthy for me at this stage, at least while DS is still young and needs intensive input.
Carpenter is coming down this weekend - for just one night too, because i made plans on the Saturday - so we'll see how things go. Feel weirdly nervous because we're just not 'in a groove' together and have to get into one every time. Honestly, I do wonder sometimes if I just want sex, cuddles and companionship but don't really want or am not ready for the whole 'shebang' of full on commitment to another person and everything that entails, or if it's just the long distance thing. He's been depressed for a couple months and I'm finding that quite challenging to be with, so it's prob better we've had less contact lately, as I find I can then keep my happy vibe (cos i'm pretty happy in my life) more easily. May sound selfish, but I find essential in order to function well.
I think about it immediately too, but I have yet to bring anyone around my LO (who will be 2 in a few weeks).
I'm dating...have met some interesting guys lately that tells me I'm on the right track. Nobody that I'm truly interested in enough to talk about at length though.
How long have you ladies been single? At this point, its been a year and 4 months for me. I would not entertain a relationship at all for the first year. Rebounding is how I ended up in my previous relationship and missed signs.
Update: Baby girl born Nov 19th!
Anyway, I haven't been on a date since the last time I posted on the September dating thread. I've been invited out several times, but I just don't really feel like making the time to hang out with someone that I know I won't ever fall for. I have yet to meet anyone with any potential of that sort and I"m 100% bored with "dating". I'm feeling pretty neutral about the whole thing. Being single and free to do whatever I want is good, but I do miss having someone to cuddle too.