A love story ending in divorce... - Mothering Forums

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Old 11-17-2011, 06:18 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I saw this article today and it really made me sad.  http://www.mamapedia.com/voices/a-tale-of-divorce-that-is-really-a-love-story

 

I thought a discussion would be interesting to have. This sounds like so much love was there, and such a great foundation. It blows my mind that something that sounds so amazing and so loving could become irreparable? It makes me so sad and like there is no hope to a lasting relationship...

 

Most of my past relationships have been abusive. So to me, if I had something loving and amazing, I'd not give up on trying to maintain and keep a loving and healthy relationship. I read an amazing article on how love is a verb, and one can keep loving.

 

Just being reflective this morning... thoughts, comments?


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Old 11-17-2011, 07:00 AM
 
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It sounds like something worth trying to keep.  But like you, my last relationship wasn't exactly healthy.  It just sounds like they had so much in common and if they still really care for each other maybe they should take a break and try again.  However, maybe the author is spinning the entire relationship as positive as she can so that their son can read it some day and know at one point they loved each other.


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Old 11-17-2011, 08:58 AM
 
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I dunno. The story is a collection of anecdotes about a few specific good moments, but there's still a lot of room for things that could have broken the marriage. There could have been addiction, long-term infidelity, mental illness...reading it, I heard the author saying they had fun moments together, but I didn't hear her say the deeper things, like whether or not he treated her with respect, whether or not he was faithful, whether or not he was chronically drunk and unemployed. Maybe she was addicted to painkillers. Maybe he was a full-blown narcissist who showed his girl a fabulous time when it suited him, and treated her horribly the rest of the time. Maybe he left her? Maybe she had a midlife crisis and an affair with the cabana boy? Who knows?

You never know what goes on behind closed doors, y'know? Maybe the marriage could have been saved, but one or both parties wasn't willing to do the work. Maybe it was fully broken. But there's no way of knowing from that from what was written. I guess the question that you're really asking is, in the absence of deal-breakers like addiction, abuse or mental illness, can all marriages be saved? I don't know the answer to that. 

I do know that, after having a couple of really crummy relationships in a row (one with an emotionally abusive addict with borderline personality disorder, and the next with DS's dad, also a non-functional alcoholic) that I'm really dedicated to my relationship with my current partner. He's an amazing man, a truly good and decent human being, our life values are really well aligned, and we just share a lot of likes and beliefs, and we have an amazing chemical connection. I could see myself when I was younger devaluing all that and looking for more excitement and adventure -- actually, I did do that when I was 21. I had a really good and decent man that I had been dating for two years, and he was planning on proposing to me. I wasn't ready to settle down and I think it was the right decision to leave him. But now, in my 30s, I am ready to commit to one person, and I feel like I would do so much to cherish and preserve this current relationship. I feel like I value it so much more. 


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Old 11-17-2011, 10:07 AM
 
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Honestly? It sounds a LOT like my marriage. And she's left out all the intimate things between them that eroded that amazing marriage and ultimately ended it. There can be great love that doesn't continue, and that doesn't mean that the marriage was wrong or that there was anything that could be done at the end. There were things that could have been done all along, issues that could have been addressed, etc, but when you get to the end sometimes things just can't be repaired. And, yeah, it is horribly sad; I cried every day for a year and tried all I could think of to fix what we'd broken but it was done. 10 years is a LONG time and when you add in becoming parents and dealing with financial problems and just life, it can build up and you often don't really see it happening until it's too late to do anything about it. That doesn't mean that relationships can't survive or even that my marriage couldn't have survived but it takes a lot of work and attention and the right combination of circumstances to make it work. People change, especially when you meet young, and sometimes they change in opposite ways to one another.

 

I would never give up the years with my ex, even though it was horrible by the end, and I wouldn't even give up the horrible part now. There are lessons that can't be learned without climbing through shit and being deeply injured. I would never have given Data a second glance without my marriage ending, would never have seen the gift he is and I will never take that for granted because I've done that once before and it cost me dearly.

 

Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end. You do your best, you give as much love as you can, but it's not all up to one person to make a relationship last.


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Old 11-17-2011, 04:06 PM
 
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