So I packed a suitcase grabed my kids and left him! Now what? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 27 Old 12-06-2011, 09:17 PM - Thread Starter
 
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So my ex is very controling and manipulative. We were broken up for over a year and he managed to coerce me into moving back in with him two months ago. So for two months I had to stay in a house and only leave when he would let me go grocery shopping. He made it where the daycare assistance and food stamps my kids were getting were canceled. So basically I gave up a great opportunity because I could not afford it (thanks to his manipulating) to move in with him. He had a friend of his rent a house in a really rural area where there is no reliable bus system ( a bus goes near the house twice a day) and no stores in a decent walking distance. I had to start handwashing cloth diapers because the laundromat was almost two miles away and even when I could get out of the house to walk there I had no money to wash damn diapers. He and his friend who rented the house have five dogs between the two of them that all lived in the house, yet neither of them walked, fed, cleaned up after them! My four year old dog that has been a housepet for ever had to live tied up in the yard.

Well I had enough and when he went out drinking with his buddies Friday night I packed a suitcase and a backpack, gave my dog a large bucket of food a large bucket of water and a sweater and Saturday morning my kids and I walked the couple of miles to the train station. Now my kids and I are two states away at my parents house. He wont stop calling me and telling me I need to come back form my vacation or he will put my dog to sleep. I have called every rescue group in the area and no one will go get my dog. I don't want to ruin the rest of my life and subject my kids to his crazy philosophies any longer but I don't want my dog to die. I haven't posted here in ages but I hope someone here remembers me and can help push me in the right direction. Thank you for reading and listening to me, no one else does...


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#2 of 27 Old 12-06-2011, 09:30 PM
 
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Good for you, mama. You've done the right thing, both for yourself and for your kids. Take care of yourself, recover from the trauma you've been through and enjoy your freedom. Nobody should have to live the way that man forced you to live. You're worth so much more. I'm sorry you're worrying about your dog and I hope you find somebody willing to get him into a safer place.


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#3 of 27 Old 12-07-2011, 06:10 AM
 
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Wow mama, you did the right thing by running away from this man. I would strongly advise going to legal aid right away and getting a lawyer to represent you. I know it's a long process but at least get the ball rolling. Also, there's no reason why you have to take his call. Perhaps dedicate one number where he can call, a number that has caller ID, and then don't answer...but check messages. You can also provide him with an email for him to write.

 

The one thing that concerns me at the moment is the fact that you took the kids (I assume they are his?) and ran. It might work against you in a future custody case...hence the need for a lawyer right away. Is there a woman's advocacy group in the state you are in that can help you? Your situation reeks of inhuman treatment, and it needs to be proven to the court that you left for your own good as well as for the good of your children. There will no doubt be visitations, but if you can prove that your ex is dangerous, then you can demand supervised visitation.

 

I'm glad you're out of there. I just wanted to throw out some ideas with regards to the next steps.

 

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#4 of 27 Old 12-07-2011, 06:55 AM
 
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Im so sorry you are going through this. Im sorry about your dog. Is there a friend who would pick him up and hold him for a little while until you could go get him? Im glad you had the courage to leave.

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#5 of 27 Old 12-07-2011, 10:11 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for the advice mamas!

 

Vancouvermommy: I was living just north of vancouver wa so if you know anyone looking for a dog pm me:)

 

Halfasianmama: He is their dad but or situation is a bit odd. He refused to put his name on their birth certificates so I have full custody. He said he doesn't want me trying to get child support out of him so he never put his name on their birth certificates so unless I apply for child support and request a paternity test there is no legal link between him and them. I highly doubt he will seek out custody or anything that has to do with the law because I recently found out that he is a felon and that is why he always talked me into putting cars/bills in his name. I am more worried about him trying to come after us physically, although I doubt he would leave his comfort zone of his home state, than legally.

 

Adaline's Mommy: Unfortunately since I left CA to be with him about six years ago I gradually lost all my friends and was unable to make new ones aside from his drinking buddies girlfriends which I honestly didn't have much in common with! I have spent hours loooking for dog rescues and think I just found a place that would pick my dog up if and only if she is at the pound and has only one day left to live (ie: no one adopts her after a few days)


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#6 of 27 Old 12-07-2011, 10:43 AM
 
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There might be someone in Finding Your Tribe that would be willing to go pick your dog up. Im really sorry, I know this is stressful enough without you having to think about your dog being put to sleep. Hopefully, he is just making empty threats and he wont do it.

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#7 of 27 Old 12-07-2011, 08:09 PM
 
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I know you are working hard on getting help for your pup, and I pray that works out. I do want to point out how amazingly courageous and caring you are to have made the move you did. You are opting for a better life for you and your children. Hold your head high and proud and stay strong!! Do not fall into what is really another one of his manipulations. I feel your dog will be okay and hope you get to take care of you!!

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#8 of 27 Old 12-07-2011, 08:56 PM
 
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Wow! Good job Mamayogibear!!! That took so much courage but u did what you had to do! I hope you find some help for your doggoodvibes.gif...Im so happy for you and your little ones. Good luck with whatever comes nextcandle.gif.


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#9 of 27 Old 12-08-2011, 06:14 AM
 
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I'm not sure how long the drive is, but with your parents or using their car, can you go back to pick up the dog?  I definitly wouldn't bring the kids back, but I would bring another adult!  Maybe call the police station where to dog is to ask if they'll provide an escort so things don't get ugly.  Not sure if they would, but it's worth asking.

 

In the larger picture, you do need to speak to a lawyer! 

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#10 of 27 Old 12-08-2011, 09:17 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for the replies ladies:) I appreciate all the good vibes because so far we need it! I'm not sure what I would need a lawyer or legal consultation for as I have full custody of both of my kids and in the past when I asked him to add his name to their birth certificates he has refused. I think he is using my dog as leverage because he knows he has no legal rights to his kids and if he went to a court or lawyer to try and get custody he would be arrested for warrants and a probation violation. Unfortunately the rescues I have contacted have not yet agreed to help my dog because she is a pit/boxer mix :( and my parents live too far away, over a thousand miles, to go pick her up.

Now I need to focus on how to get my life back in order now that I am away from him. I need to apply for daycare assistance. Does anyone know if living with my parents  will prevent me from being eligible for daycare assistance to find a job?


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#11 of 27 Old 12-08-2011, 01:19 PM
 
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You're right to focus on your kids. I know the dog is a heart-breaking situation, but you have your own safety to think of, especially considering how nutso this person sounds.

 

I received daycare reimbursement from the government of Quebec, as well as various forms of provincial and federal assistance, and I have lived wit hmy parents ever since I ran away from XH two years ago. It hasn't affected anything. What did change my assistance was getting a raise at work.

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#12 of 27 Old 12-08-2011, 06:10 PM
 
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I am so sorry but there's not much you can do about your dog without going back.  Even if a rescue place would go and get your dog, your stbx is under no legal obligation to let that person take your dog.  All he has to do is refuse to let that person on his property (even if it is a rental, the rescue worker needs the permission of the occupant to go on the property).

 

Right now what you need to hope for is that he doesn't figure out that he will easily get a court to order the kids to be brought back to the marital residence.  And just might get temporary custody as a result of you up and leaving with the kids.  No doubt about it, he is being abusive.  But it's the type of abuse that is very hard to prove in court. 

 

You need to get yourself to an attorney to see what you can do should he realize that he can get the kids ordered back to the state of legal residence. 

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#13 of 27 Old 12-08-2011, 08:49 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by Goodmom2008 View Post

I am so sorry but there's not much you can do about your dog without going back.  Even if a rescue place would go and get your dog, your stbx is under no legal obligation to let that person take your dog.  All he has to do is refuse to let that person on his property (even if it is a rental, the rescue worker needs the permission of the occupant to go on the property).

 

Right now what you need to hope for is that he doesn't figure out that he will easily get a court to order the kids to be brought back to the marital residence.  And just might get temporary custody as a result of you up and leaving with the kids.  No doubt about it, he is being abusive.  But it's the type of abuse that is very hard to prove in court. 

 

You need to get yourself to an attorney to see what you can do should he realize that he can get the kids ordered back to the state of legal residence. 



Thanks for the empathy goodmom. The rental property is not in his name. He is a fugative and finding that out helped inspire me to leave, so he does not put rentals or cars in his name. So I highly doubt he would be going to the courts for anything. He sent me an email saying he is not really that much of a jerk but it's just the drugs his friend got him to do (in the house with our kids) if I had known that I would have booked earlier! I have full custody of both of my kids and he has no legal rights to them so he is trying to use my dog as leverage to manipulate me into coming back there. I am thinking I could contact the landlord who is renting to his friend who is almost never there to see if they would call animal control on the dogs being a violation of the lease that says there may be two (not six) dogs there, but only after arranging with a rescue group to pick her up.


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#14 of 27 Old 12-08-2011, 08:52 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by Halfasianmomma View Post

You're right to focus on your kids. I know the dog is a heart-breaking situation, but you have your own safety to think of, especially considering how nutso this person sounds.

 

I received daycare reimbursement from the government of Quebec, as well as various forms of provincial and federal assistance, and I have lived wit hmy parents ever since I ran away from XH two years ago. It hasn't affected anything. What did change my assistance was getting a raise at work.


Thank you for the advice. I applied for daycare and food assistance today. I will not know if I qualify for anything until I hear back sometime next week and have a meeting. I hope I can get daycare funding at the very least. It is good to know that  living with your parents did not affect your assistance and I am hoping it is the same here in the states.

 


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#15 of 27 Old 12-09-2011, 06:09 AM
 
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I remember you. I'm so glad you're safely away. It's disgusting how abusive guys will use anything they can to hurt you. When I was leaving my abusive ex, he threatened to kill our pet rats. I was able to get them out, but ultimately, a guy who was willing to hurt an animal to hurt me is also willing to straight up hurt me. The lives and sanity of you and your children are the important thing, and I'm so glad you got your babies out of that environment. 

I honestly wouldn't ask a friend or stranger to go in and get the dog -- I don't think they would be safe. You do have the option of calling the local sheriff's department, but the problem there is that could push your ex to retaliate, and since the dog is a pit mix, he wouldn't necessarily get rehomed. But in this kind of situation, you have to think about your kids and yourself first, and trust that your ex was just talking big to manipulate you. 

If he's a fugitive, you could also just turn him in and get him arrested. But again, risk of retaliation. It sounds like it's best if he just disappears from your life. 

As far as assistance goes, each state and even different social programs within one state have their own regulations about who constitutes a household. To make things even a bit more complicated, daycare assistance comes from federal grants that are usually distributed by local (rather than state) agencies. So it all depends on where you are. Some areas can get you right in to daycare assistance, and other areas have crazy long wait lists. So just be prepared for that possibility. If you're willing to share your state, I'm happy to try to get information about which programs might be available. 

Also, some programs, especially TANF and sometimes Medicaid, require you to have a child support order in place. So you may want to check about that requirement. 

Also, I know you don't have enough posts for the surviving abuse forum, but a lot of mamas from that forum also hang out on the private single parenting forum. You may want to get access to that, just for safety's sake? Also, if you click on the surviving abuse forum, there's a link to a long list of resources about surviving and escaping abuse. It's a long hard process coming back from that and it takes a lot of work to examine old patterns and make sure you don't repeat them -- and to make sure he doesn't manipulate his way back into your life. I've come to believe that 99% of abusers have a personality disorder and I find it makes it a lot easier to understand why everything happened when you can see their underlying mental health issues. If you read up on narcissism or antisocial personality disorder, it may ring some crazy bells. 

Good luck! I'm glad you escaped. 


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#16 of 27 Old 12-09-2011, 08:22 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Wow Jen! Thankyou for all the encouragement and good advice. I am so happy to have finally gotten away and loathe the fact it took me so long to do so. I think/hope he just turns my dog over to the pound so a volunteer can take her to a no kill rescue I was able to find. I totally agree with the disappear comment! He knows where my parents live though and that is the only place I could come up with to stay for free. I feel like I should try to move on soon and get an apartment once I get a job so he won't know exactly where I am even though I doubt he'd come to look for me here. I am in Ca li where he has warrants. I talked to the social worker today but could not get an appointment until the end of the month so I probably won't be able to get a job until January. I

I hope there is some kind of loophole about filing for child support since I think he would seek some type of retaliation against me and my kids if I did. I agree that my ex has an antisocial personality and I have thought that for a while but when I read the link on 'gaslighting', the way he has been controlling me finally made sense. I'm going to request membership in those forums. Thanks again!
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by *MamaJen* View Post

I remember you. I'm so glad you're safely away. It's disgusting how abusive guys will use anything they can to hurt you. When I was leaving my abusive ex, he threatened to kill our pet rats. I was able to get them out, but ultimately, a guy who was willing to hurt an animal to hurt me is also willing to straight up hurt me. The lives and sanity of you and your children are the important thing, and I'm so glad you got your babies out of that environment. 

I honestly wouldn't ask a friend or stranger to go in and get the dog -- I don't think they would be safe. You do have the option of calling the local sheriff's department, but the problem there is that could push your ex to retaliate, and since the dog is a pit mix, he wouldn't necessarily get rehomed. But in this kind of situation, you have to think about your kids and yourself first, and trust that your ex was just talking big to manipulate you. 

If he's a fugitive, you could also just turn him in and get him arrested. But again, risk of retaliation. It sounds like it's best if he just disappears from your life. 

As far as assistance goes, each state and even different social programs within one state have their own regulations about who constitutes a household. To make things even a bit more complicated, daycare assistance comes from federal grants that are usually distributed by local (rather than state) agencies. So it all depends on where you are. Some areas can get you right in to daycare assistance, and other areas have crazy long wait lists. So just be prepared for that possibility. If you're willing to share your state, I'm happy to try to get information about which programs might be available. 

Also, some programs, especially TANF and sometimes Medicaid, require you to have a child support order in place. So you may want to check about that requirement. 

Also, I know you don't have enough posts for the surviving abuse forum, but a lot of mamas from that forum also hang out on the private single parenting forum. You may want to get access to that, just for safety's sake? Also, if you click on the surviving abuse forum, there's a link to a long list of resources about surviving and escaping abuse. It's a long hard process coming back from that and it takes a lot of work to examine old patterns and make sure you don't repeat them -- and to make sure he doesn't manipulate his way back into your life. I've come to believe that 99% of abusers have a personality disorder and I find it makes it a lot easier to understand why everything happened when you can see their underlying mental health issues. If you read up on narcissism or antisocial personality disorder, it may ring some crazy bells. 

Good luck! I'm glad you escaped. 



 


be good family...

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#17 of 27 Old 12-18-2011, 06:40 AM
 
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hug2.gif So sorry you have to go through all of this!!!!!  I had a very similiar situation 5 years ago.  I did the same thing, packed a bag and left.  I didn't have a cell phone so he couldn't call me.  But things got really bad after I left, he tarnished my name in our VERY small town.  And I ended up being this evil thing.  We had huge fights over custody, but truth won out.... THANK GOD!!!  I had to leave a dog and cat behind.  Same situation with the dog, always a member of the family, then chained outside.  My sweet dog died outside in the snowgloomy.gif  The cat ran away cause it was starving.  Fortunatley she could run away.  I hope that you can get situated into your new life.  It will be hard, but I promise you it will get better, not only for you but your dc.  If you ever need to vent feel free to pm me.

Cheers to the start of the rest of your life mama!!!!!

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#18 of 27 Old 12-18-2011, 08:22 AM - Thread Starter
 
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hug2.gif So sorry you have to go through all of this!!!!!  I had a very similiar situation 5 years ago.  I did the same thing, packed a bag and left.  I didn't have a cell phone so he couldn't call me.  But things got really bad after I left, he tarnished my name in our VERY small town.  And I ended up being this evil thing.  We had huge fights over custody, but truth won out.... THANK GOD!!!  I had to leave a dog and cat behind.  Same situation with the dog, always a member of the family, then chained outside.  My sweet dog died outside in the snowgloomy.gif  The cat ran away cause it was starving.  Fortunatley she could run away.  I hope that you can get situated into your new life.  It will be hard, but I promise you it will get better, not only for you but your dc.  If you ever need to vent feel free to pm me.

Cheers to the start of the rest of your life mama!!!!!

Thank you mama! I am glad to know I am not the only one who has had pets held against them. I wish there was a support system for pets of domestic abuse victims. I am really sorry to hear about your poor dog and hope she had a long life before that sorrow. I am still contacting the shelter every two days to see if my dog ends up there and hoping that one of the rescues I've spoken to who have told me they only deal with 'death row' dogs will consider picking her up when she gets there. I appreciate your encouragement and that you are here to be a role model.

 


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#19 of 27 Old 12-18-2011, 09:02 AM
 
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. I am really sorry to hear about your poor dog and hope she had a long life before that sorrow.



He did!!!!  He was actually "willed" to me from a man that was just like a grandfather.  He was completely spoiled by this man, and when I got him after he passed he was 11.  Then he was pretty happy, although he always nipped x.  NEVER broke skin or anything like that at all, but maybe should of been a sign.  But I feel like it's my fault that he was 18 and chained to die in the snow.  I hope it was quick.

I really hope someone picks up your dog!!!!!!!  I don't see why it is such an issue??? 


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#20 of 27 Old 12-18-2011, 11:29 AM - Thread Starter
 
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He did!!!!  He was actually "willed" to me from a man that was just like a grandfather.  He was completely spoiled by this man, and when I got him after he passed he was 11.  Then he was pretty happy, although he always nipped x.  NEVER broke skin or anything like that at all, but maybe should of been a sign.  But I feel like it's my fault that he was 18 and chained to die in the snow.  I hope it was quick.

I really hope someone picks up your dog!!!!!!!  I don't see why it is such an issue??? 


Wow, that is really old for a dog! Hopefully he was sleeping at the time. Until my parents dog started growling at my kids I have always thought that all dogs had reasons for growling or nipping at people but I still think most of them have good judgment! My dog is such an issue because when I was living with him he and I moved a thousand miles away from where I have friends and a life. Most of the people I would meet like in school or at playgrounds he would talk s**t to and scare away from me. So I truly had no support circle there, I could not ask anyone to pick me and my kids up to stay with them. I managed to save change from when we went to the grocery store and hand washed diapers to save up laundry money for a train ticket to leave. If I had friends there or a car of my own my dog would have come with me for sure.

 


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#21 of 27 Old 01-01-2012, 07:55 PM
 
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Just wanted to reply & support you. 

 

You said, "Thank you for reading and listening to me, no one else does..."  I want you to consider those words.  It took me a LOONNNGGG time to realize that I was telling people what I needed & it didn't get me anywhere.  Finally, it dawned on me that I... my own self ... wasn't even listening & doing anything about it.  Then, I moved into action..  and things are working out.

 

You listened to yourself!!!  You did it!!  You left!! It was unbearable to your soul & you left!!  You knew this man would lead the lives of you & your children to ruin & you Left!!

 

You are brave & strong.  You listened, which is the most important thing.

 

About your dog, you made the only decision you could at the time.  You did the right thing to get your children & self to safety.  You need to forgive yourself for leaving your dog behind.

 

Could you arrange to have the local animal officer pick-up the dog as an unwanted animal, can you prove ownership? 

 

You also need to weigh whether this is a good move, you need to ensure the safety of your children.

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#22 of 27 Old 01-02-2012, 07:20 AM
 
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how are things going mama?


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#23 of 27 Old 01-02-2012, 07:36 AM
 
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M,partner to D,mama to Sofia (6/01), Madeline(11/04), and Quin(2/08)  Hoping for a tubal reversal baby SOON after the proceduremakebabe.gif

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#24 of 27 Old 01-07-2012, 01:29 AM
 
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I want to weigh in on this, because I faced a similar situation 3 years ago. I left a controlling, manipulative man, took my son, and drove across the country to stay with family. I can't type out everything here that I want to say to the OP, but I will say this - get a lawyer, and get one fast. Your ex will strike, and he will strike hard if he's as much a control freak as he sounds. If he files for custody or takes you to court, you will be in a bad position. Call legal aid or whatever organization you can (women's shelters often have legal resources if you let them know you are leaving an abusive relationship). I will weigh in with more later. Please be well and keep yourself and your kids away from him. And not having his name on the birth certificate does NOT mean he gets out of child support, either. 

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#25 of 27 Old 01-07-2012, 08:27 AM
 
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Manzanita, OP said that her dp does not have any legal rights to the kids...


M,partner to D,mama to Sofia (6/01), Madeline(11/04), and Quin(2/08)  Hoping for a tubal reversal baby SOON after the proceduremakebabe.gif

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#26 of 27 Old 01-12-2012, 10:46 PM
 
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just want to commend you for getting out of the bad relationship. I am not as strong as you and went back to an abusive relationship again and again and again. But it seems now that it is over for good, I live happily on my own with my three kids.

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#27 of 27 Old 01-12-2012, 11:22 PM
 
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majazama- good for you it is common to go back- I know I did. But good you finally broke free!


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