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#1 of 24 Old 01-15-2012, 08:27 AM - Thread Starter
 
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 I don't post here a lot, but I'm looking for some support.

 

 I just recently found out that I'm pregnant. Not planned, from a one night stand.

 

 I am 32 years old, and I have an 11 year old that I raise entirely on my own. This past year has been pretty rough, and I've dealt with a lot. I am just currently getting my feet back under me. Timing wise, this is probably the worst possible time for this to of happened. I am not stable financially, career wise, and am just coming back from a lengthy all out consuming depression, during which I barely functioned.

 

 Everything, including the circumstances ( well, especially) of which I got pregnant.....tells me I should terminate the pregnancy. None of this makes sense to have another child right now.And also, there's the selfish side of me that is enjoying the somewhat freedom of having an older child. Not freedom, but I'm sure you know what I mean.

 

 But, there's a part of me that actually wants to carry through with the pregnancy. I don't know why.

 

 I guess I'm looking for mom's to tell me their experiences of having a child under "wrong" circumstances....or, single mom's who have children so far apart in age and what it like...actually I don't know what I'm looking for. I"m just lost.

 

 

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#2 of 24 Old 01-15-2012, 10:01 AM
 
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Hugs mama... how far along are you?  Oh I am so sorry for this for you.... what a tough decision to make.


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#3 of 24 Old 01-15-2012, 11:48 AM
 
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I  wish I had something helpful to say to you.  I just want to say I hear you and am thinking of you.

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#4 of 24 Old 01-15-2012, 02:45 PM
 
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Ooh, I think I'm qualified to respond to this one....

Most of my children have been conceived in times of less than ideal circumstances, especially by other people's standards. But every one of them felt "right" to me, no matter how little "sense" it made. In fact the hardest time I had was with my last, because I was overall in a really good place in my life and I wanted more time to build a relationship with my new partner and I knew having a baby so soon would change things drastically. I am now pregnant with my 5th, the result of a very brief "friends with benefits" fling, I have little support in terms of friends and family, my finances are a struggle since ex #1 stopped paying child support two months ago, I have no income earning potential right now and I just missed registering for Community College this semester. I can barely think about preparations for the baby I will have in 3 1/2 months. That being said, I am still excited, happy and at peace with this pregnancy. I have made some very bad decisions about other pgs based on the shame I was supposed to feel, and I'm not going to do that again. I'm not ashamed, I honestly never have been, and I don't have to justify having a baby that I will love and do everything in this world that I can to provide a good life for. Is my life perfect? Not at all. Would I do the past 25 years differently if I could? Absolutely. But my path has brought me here, now, and my baby is a blessing.

 

 

 

ps My children are closer in age, but spaced pretty much so that just as the last was getting out of the early childhood super dependent years so that I could start doing a few things for me, I had another. This is the second time I've got them all in school at once, only to start over with a babe. So it goes. lol.


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#5 of 24 Old 01-17-2012, 10:07 AM
 
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I'm sorry this is a tough time for you.  Just remember that you have options before you and you have a right to exercise them.  What's right for one person may not be right for someone else.  Think about what is best for you, and also what is best for your 11 year old.

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#6 of 24 Old 01-17-2012, 03:09 PM
 
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Having my youngest son was the worst thing that ever happened in my life. I wish it all didn't happen, I had taken the other road and I never met his father. The pregnancy left me disabled and my son was born premature. He has a rare blood disease, developmental delays, low IQ and bipolar disorder (a gift from his father). At the age of 32 when he was born my life was ruined. People say crazy things like "every child is a blessing." They don't know what they are talking about. There is a reason abortion is legal. Having a baby changes everything and you should have a choice.

 


: Grandmother , 3 Adult Sons

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#7 of 24 Old 01-18-2012, 05:06 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by foreverinbluejeans View Post

Having my youngest son was the worst thing that ever happened in my life. I wish it all didn't happen, I had taken the other road and I never met his father. The pregnancy left me disabled and my son was born premature. He has a rare blood disease, developmental delays, low IQ and bipolar disorder (a gift from his father). At the age of 32 when he was born my life was ruined. People say crazy things like "every child is a blessing." They don't know what they are talking about. There is a reason abortion is legal. Having a baby changes everything and you should have a choice.

 



 

Wow. I hope you are seeking therapy to work through your feelings, so at the very least your son never has to know how you truly feel about him. I also hope he never sees this post!

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#8 of 24 Old 01-18-2012, 05:43 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by foreverinbluejeans View Post

The pregnancy left me disabled


How did the pregnancy leave you disabled?

 


DS (6.06), DD (10.08), DD (05.11).

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#9 of 24 Old 01-18-2012, 10:06 AM
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Let's please remember that we have a wide, wide variety of parents here on the forums. When speaking of our own children it is a good idea to remember that sometimes, what we think in our heads does not translate well in anonymous posts on the internet.  While you may feel strongly about something, you may also be saying something quite offensive and hurtful to another parent in your same situation.  

 

Additionally, we do not host debate of abortion, so this thread will need to stay out of that line of discussion.  Thanks.


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#10 of 24 Old 01-18-2012, 12:50 PM
 
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hug2.gif

 

I don't know what to say, but wanted you to know that there is a lot of support here for you no matter what you decide.


 

 

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#11 of 24 Old 01-18-2012, 03:32 PM
 
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The only opinion that I have seen expressed is that every baby is a blessing. I think that other views should be supported. In my case I could have had a pregnancy terminated for medical reasons. Saying that pregnancy was the worst thing in my life is an objective evaluation. All three of my sons agree. Pregnancy can cause life-long illness, make illness worse, or cause physical disability.

 

My situation is complex. I got an infection that triggered a rare, complex genetic immune deficiency disease that I carried. The infection left me with asthma and lung damage. When my son was born a nerve to my leg was compressed and my leg was paralyzed. My husband filed for divorce the day after my son was born and the doctor told him I would never walk and my son would never be normal. My immune deficiencies were diagnosed about a month post partum and I was diagnosed with cancer a few weeks after that. We went from living in middle class surburbia to eventually being homeless. Because my immune system doesn't work I have developed many health problems.  

 

My sons are now all adults. The oldest and youngest have had vasectomies because they don't want to risk pregnancies or have children with health issues. My youngest had his vasectomy at 21. They both had counseling before the vasectomies. My oldest had had a stillborn baby (could have been from immune issues). My youngest understands the consequences of my pregnancy with him but that I don't blame him personally. I have been a great mother to him and have made huge personal sacrifices for him that I didn't have to make including homeschooling him. It is very difficult to homeschool a special needs male teen with bipolar disorder. It's hard to be around a teen with bipolar disorder 24/7. My doctoral minor was counseling psychology so I could help him as much as possible. I did an amazing job with him. He was my full-time job for 20 years.

 

I have been in pain and sick every day for 25 years. I can't work and I can't live alone. I can't buy the things I want including fruit and veggies. The only things I ever have new are socks, underware, and shoes. I own almost nothing, I don't even have a bed. I haven't slept in a bed in about a year. I've slept in a chair or cot. I don't sleep well.

 

That's a little of my story.

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#12 of 24 Old 01-18-2012, 04:02 PM
 
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foreverinbluejeans, I'm sorry for all your heartache. Your situation is unusual, and sad. I hope you can find healing and peace. Your first post did sound harsh, but your story gives me nothing but empathy and compassion for you. hug.gif


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#13 of 24 Old 01-18-2012, 09:22 PM
 
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Hugs FIB. Your story is not told often tho I fear it is too common. My sons birth brought on many auto immune disorder diseases. I don't blame him - I will never be the same again.


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#14 of 24 Old 01-19-2012, 04:50 AM
 
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I understand about differing points of view but I cannot imagine telling my children they were the worst thing that ever happened to my life and I "wish they never happened". Geesh, even if I felt it there are some things you just don't say  out of compassion for another person. That's one of the saddest things I've ever heard.

 

OP, I'm not in your situation but I'm the adult child of a person in a very similar situation who did decide to continue the pregnancy and I'm pretty damn awesome LOL  I pm'ed you :)

 

All I have to say is that I believe some of the greatest blessings can come from some of the seemingly worst, untimely and unplanned situations. And yes, I believe all children are a blessing.

 

No matter what you decide OP, may you have support, love, understanding and peace on your journey.


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#15 of 24 Old 01-19-2012, 07:55 AM
 
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FIB,

 

I have nothing but compassion for you.  I don't feel abortion is okay babies are blessings that come with other consequences that are not good.  I am in constant pain a year after giving birth to my youngest.  With my older kids it went away eventually but it seems I may be in pain permanently now and it takes such a huge toll.  I also have a bipolar teen and I did homeschool her for a year and a half in her teen years but it was taking too huge an emotional toll on me so I sent her to school.  It is not best for her but it is necessary for me.  Your sacrifices say a lot about you and I wish you nothing but peace.

 

 

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#16 of 24 Old 01-19-2012, 09:07 AM
 
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FIBJ I can only hope I will be as good a mother as you are!

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#17 of 24 Old 01-19-2012, 09:27 AM
 
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When you get down to it, you will have people who got pregnant in a difficult situation and a. terminated and are glad of it, b. didn't terminate and are glad of it, c. terminate and wish they hadn't, or d. didn't terminate and wish they had. None of us can see the future so the best we can do is to make the decision that seems the best overall for us, bearing in mind there are people in all those categories and no one experience is the norm/most common. Best of luck, OP.

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#18 of 24 Old 01-19-2012, 12:21 PM
 
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Second Erigeron


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#19 of 24 Old 01-19-2012, 08:29 PM
 
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I, too, second erigeron. Those are the true choices, but none of them will fit you. Only you know what will fit you in your "spirit", "gut", "heart," etc -- whatever you want to call it. Having my daughter when I was a teenager, barely out of high school, with no way to hold a job, all on my own, was certainly NOT the logical thing to do. But I knew that I would not be able to live with myself if I terminated the pregnancy. I knew in my "heart." But I considered it, because termination is an option. I figured out what the best option for me was by talking to people in my life who cared about me. I hope you have someone in your "real" life you can talk to, but know that there are people here who can support you as well.

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#20 of 24 Old 01-29-2012, 12:40 AM
 
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First of all, any woman has the right to end a pregnancy if she chooses. I think it is very dismissive to say to a person who is asking for advice surrounding that very thing, 'we don't talk about that here.' So any opinion that is out of sync with the majority is just shot down is it? What a wonderful community I have joined.

 

OP - I am going to say one thing, sorry, but you have been very irresponsible. You said this pregnancy resulted from a 'friends with benefits' fling? How could you have been so silly as to not exercise proper use of birth control in such a situation? Anyway, it's happened now, and you have a decision to make.

 

No-one can tell you what is the right thing to do. I can say that it is very daft to make any kind of always/never statement about anything, such as 'All babies are always a blessing.' They are not always, as FIBJ so accutely demonstrates (my good vibes to you also, FIBJ). If the truth is too much for you, I am truly sorry, but I do not believe in whitewashing unpleasent realities as that often leads to unrealistic expectations and dissappointments.

 

It does sound as though you are not in a position to care for a new baby like they would deserve, and you would want. You have your older child to think of too. If you have any ideas of having a ready-made babysitter right there, please dispel them. It would be grossly unfair to him (your oldest) to be expected to help out in a situation he did not create.

 

I am not going to say 'All children need a father' as that is one of the silly always/never statements, however I do believe a child has a better chance of growing up into a well-rounded human adult if they have a wide variety of influences, including members of both sexes. How much would the father want to be involved? Do you have other good male friends/relatives that are serving as a role model for your eldest who would still be happy to help for another 18 years?

 

It is a difficult decision, and only you can make it. I beg you to take your time, take real stock of what world your potential baby is coming into, and make the decision that is right for you, your living child and this maybe baby. Do not let anyone brow beat with 'abortion is wrong' either. Sometimes it is, sometimes it isn't. But it's still YOUR choice, no-one elses.

 

Good luck and good thoughts.

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#21 of 24 Old 01-29-2012, 03:14 AM
 
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I think the OP knows she made a bad choice in not using birth control- we surely don't know for sure if she did or not right.  I don't think this is the time to say things like that to her.

PMing you.


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#22 of 24 Old 02-06-2012, 11:57 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TTC1983 View Post

 

OP - I am going to say one thing, sorry, but you have been very irresponsible. You said this pregnancy resulted from a 'friends with benefits' fling? How could you have been so silly as to not exercise proper use of birth control in such a situation? Anyway, it's happened now, and you have a decision to make.



TTC, this part of your post is arrogant, disrespectful and shaming. People fall into pregnancy for all kinds of reasons. Birth control fails every day. There is no magic 100% guarantee that someone isn't going to get pregnant. The habit of blaming and shaming women for unplanned pregnancies is absurd. It's a lot like saying women haven no business having sex outside of marriage, which is a blatantly patriarchal point of view. What about poor people? Should they never have sex? Wagging fingers at other women is presumptuous and unsupportive. Pregnancies happen. Women are not the only ones who should be burdened with the responsibility of birth control.  It's this kind of isolating attitude that intimidates mothers out of seeking support.

 

Keep shaming out of support threads, please.

 

OP, I have had an accidental pregnancy and I support you in whatever choice you make. Try to go the route that feels the most natural, whatever that may be. IT'S YOUR CHOICE.

 

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#23 of 24 Old 02-08-2012, 10:45 AM
 
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Also TTC, I think Adina was talking more about debating abortion, not mentioning it as an option..They mods want us to stay on topic with the OP, not start debating whether she should or should not have an abortion. The support is the important thing here..OP, good luck to you. You are in a difficult spot and I hope you find peace and healing, whatever you may choose.hug2.gif


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#24 of 24 Old 02-08-2012, 11:09 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hazeldust View Post

Also TTC, I think Adina was talking more about debating abortion, not mentioning it as an option..They mods want us to stay on topic with the OP, not start debating whether she should or should not have an abortion. The support is the important thing here..OP, good luck to you. You are in a difficult spot and I hope you find peace and healing, whatever you may choose.hug2.gif



Yes, that would be the case.  I also did not want this to devolve into a discussion about the morality/ethics of abortion, that's the kind of debate we don't wish to host.  I was in no way trying to be dismissive, but rather trying to keep this thread from being shut down.


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