Father wants visitation on our 2 week old infant - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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#31 of 44 Old 01-18-2012, 08:29 PM
 
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New Mama,

 

I think you need to start by forgiving yourself and moving on.  He needs to do the same.  Your mother may not like him but she provides the roof over his babies head.  If he will not come see the baby on the babies terms I would worry how committed he his.  

 

I would start trying to pump at 3 weeks or so but don't freak if it's not happening right away.  If you have a lot of trouble see a lactation consultant I think wic sometimes has good ones. Start giving a bottle around a month and be prepared to change types.  I wouldn't let the baby leave my care until everything is well established.  Someday all this will be ancient history and you did nothing you need to sacrifice your first born child for.

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#32 of 44 Old 01-19-2012, 10:10 AM
 
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Originally Posted by PoppyMama View Post

The general recommendation for establishing breast feeding is every 2 hours, and that's 2 hours from start to start so there is no 2 hour gap.  



I'm well aware of the recommendations. But that varys depending on the child. It's a recommendation, NOT a rule.

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#33 of 44 Old 01-19-2012, 10:19 AM
 
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Originally Posted by babybottom View Post

Thank you all for all the great information.

 

All of the information has helped me work out a plan, or at least try to. He doesn't feel comfortable in my house because I live with my mom, who doesn't like him. We don't get along because we broke up on bad terms and I made horrible choices while we were still sleeping together, but not actually together.

 

So through out the 9months prior we haven't known 100% if he is the father, there for he hasn't been around at all given the circumstances. He wants to be there as a father, but doesn't want to be around me.

 

Is there any advice on what age is okay for the child to start feeding off a pumped bottle or formula so he is able to take our son outside of my presence?

 

Thank you, New Mama



That depends very much on the child. My son did great with bottles starting at 3weeks (I had to go back to school then), and had no trouble switching back to the breast when I got home. My recommendation would be to tell the father that you expect breastfeeding will be very well established at 9 weeks (this gives you some extra time, normally it is established around 4-6 weeks I believe), and if he presses hard think about where you are willing to compromise. DO NOT start negotiating at your bottom line, it doesn't work. Are there any places that you can meet so that he can see his son? Another relatives house, a mutual friends house? A time that your mom is not home?

 

I would ask him to do 2 hour visits around you (while you are occupied doing something else - watching a movie, taking a nap, showering, whatever - you need to let him hold/change/comfort when baby isn't hungry/burp/read to/etc whenever his visitation is occurring) until the baby is 9 weeks (you may end up compromising on 6 or 7 weeks - which would be fine), and then you will allow frequent short visits where you will provide Xoz of pumped milk (if he feeds the baby formula HE HAS TO BUY IT). Then ask for that to continue for now, and as the baby gets older you can re-evaluate the schedule.

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#34 of 44 Old 01-19-2012, 11:09 AM
 
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 Does the father share your views on breastmilk is best? if so I would ask him if he is willing to aid with the purchace of a good breast pump to facilitate your efforts to provide bottled milk for his parenting time. Are you close to anywhere that he could go with a child for an hour or so while the baby is in a babysling of some sort? that close body contact for 60 to 90 minutes would really aid bonding between infant and father. it would also give you a comfortable amount of time which you could use however you wanted, a nap, a shower, a chance to sit and eat.......  Take full advantage of this opportunity!!!!  

    i started pumping at 2 weeks to boost my supply. Saddly I didn't actually introdyce a bottle until 4 weeks by which time ds refused to take it no matter what. breastfeeding can be well established within 4 weeks, so if you are not srtruggling I would not hesitate to start pumping and letting the father give one bottle feed every other day or so.

 

 

 

(My youngest son was eclusively (not my choice, totally his!) until he was 25 months old. I finally managed to wean him after his 4th birthday by not sitting down in his presence for 2 months!!!! He will be 8 in July and I am currently working on getting him out of my bed at night! I am very much an attachment pro breastfeeding mom!)

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#35 of 44 Old 01-19-2012, 04:07 PM
 
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You need to consult with an attorney in your area (don't consult with one from Cordell and Cordell as they are father's rights activists and my just tell you what they think should happen as opposed to what a court would order) and see what the courts would order. 

 

In the meantime, let the father know that all visits are to be where you are as you are still establishing your milk supply and newborn's nurse frequently.  You will be happy to be in a separate room while he holds the baby.  But overnights and trips out aren't an option.  Short walks around your area, with baby bundled if in a cold climate, is another option.  

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#36 of 44 Old 01-19-2012, 04:10 PM
 
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Originally Posted by hillymum View Post

Quite honestly I think you would do nothing but make yourself look bad if you refuse to allow access to the baby, and by refusing to pump. Your baby has a right to have a relationship with his father, even if you and he can't stand the sight of each other.

 

 



Even if she were to pump (which really shouldn't happen until the milk supply has been established, which takes 6-8 weeks), a bottle should not be introduced until after 6-8 weeks to lesson the risk of nipple confusion.

 

There really shouldn't be overnight visits for at least the first year.  And until the baby is older, the baby shouldn't be away from the food source for more than 2 hours. 

 

 

 

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#37 of 44 Old 01-19-2012, 04:14 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Super~Single~Mama View Post


Also, for those saying newborns ate incapable of going 2 hours without feeding, that is not always true. My ds regularly went 3-4 hours from 0-2 months between feedings. He was nursed on demand as well. He was almost 9lbs at birth, and that may have had something to do with it (he also gained very rapidly).


And my 8 lb 8 oz baby literally nursed ALL day long.  As a result, I mastered the sling.  The norm is every 2 hours (and the clock starts from the beginning of the last nursing) for newborns.   And that really is what one should go by until their individual newborn shows a different schedule. 

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#38 of 44 Old 01-19-2012, 04:47 PM
 
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Originally Posted by babybottom View Post

Thank you all for all the great information.

 

All of the information has helped me work out a plan, or at least try to. He doesn't feel comfortable in my house because I live with my mom, who doesn't like him. We don't get along because we broke up on bad terms and I made horrible choices while we were still sleeping together, but not actually together.

 

So through out the 9months prior we haven't known 100% if he is the father, there for he hasn't been around at all given the circumstances. He wants to be there as a father, but doesn't want to be around me.

 

Is there any advice on what age is okay for the child to start feeding off a pumped bottle or formula so he is able to take our son outside of my presence?

 

Thank you, New Mama



Yeah, well, that was the old you.

And people are allowed to make horrible choices, especially when they're young and single.

If you still carry guilt sincerely apologise, ask for his forgiveness, he might forgive you, he might not. But, really, this is about you forgiving you and moving on.

 

Focus on your little one.

 

You may have to have a conversation with both your mother and your ex about them being respectful to one another, hopefully working something out between the two of them.

 

It's not about you, him, the girlfriend or your mother. it's all about the baby (well, it's a little bit about you, until you've established breast-feeding, recovered from the birth and your hormones have levelled out, he and your mother can try to have a little compassion).

 

Every baby is different, breastfeeding can be very difficult or super easy, know in your heart that you want what's best for the baby and when the time comes for him to be with his Dad; you'll know

 

 

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#39 of 44 Old 01-19-2012, 05:11 PM
 
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Obviously at this point it's unfair to expect her to hand over the baby.  However, since he does have an interest they do need to consult a lawyer and come up with a fair plan.  Though I really think for the sake of the baby all three adults need to get it together, get over it and realize that this child will be better off if everyone could just come together.  

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#40 of 44 Old 01-19-2012, 05:25 PM
 
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i think you are being very reasonable asking dad to come see his son.  he is the one refusing your offer.  just record everything.  Save every email (i find it best to communicate with email or in some other form of writing that can be saved.  )  The child is 2 weeks old.  Not two months.  I would not leave my child for 20 minutes at that age.  Good heavens waiting a few weeks is not going to kill anyone.  And since baby does not know this guy it is best to ease into things.  I do not think a judge would hold it against you but I would definitely speak to a lawyer.  you ARE making generous offers for him to see his kid.  If he can't appreciate it that is his problem.  You do need to be prepared for short visits in the future.  However not at 2 weeks.  


The truest answer to violence is love. The truest answer to death is life. The only prevention for violence is for the heart to have no violence within it.  We cannot prevent evil through any system devised by mankind. But we can grapple with evil and defeat it, but only with love—real love.

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#41 of 44 Old 01-28-2012, 11:09 AM
 
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I gave birth to a son in 2011. I am a single mom. I read everything I could get my hands on about custody and fair visitation, etc.

 

I allowed father 24/7 access of his child and updated him on everything, always. I offered him visitation in my home from day one and said we would work up to out of home short visits as baby got older to eventually every other weekend and two evenings a week on top of that.

 

Father sued me in court and got shared custody at 9 weeks old. So to the OP, please try to work with him.It is better that the two of you come together and try to make a schedule that you are both happy with.  I live in PA where laws have changed and unless the other parent has a criminal record, it is shared parenting.

 

I do believe that shared parenting in most cases, can work. My case is not one of them. My son is the one who pays the price. Father has him today and I waited for them to show for a Doctor's appointment for 50 minutes. He never even called the office. Judge does not seem to care. Father lives in a very dangerous neighborhood and has not held a job for two years. In the courtroom, judge stated that I am the superior parent and father should look to me for any suggestions/help with the child. But, it doesn't matter. Shared parenting is the wave of the future.

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#42 of 44 Old 02-05-2012, 12:51 PM
 
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When we did child support with my son through the Attorney General here in Texas, they did basic visitation and I said I was breastfeeding so they put no overnights for the first year in the order (and said we could revisit it if I wanted the no overnights ruling to go longer)... he hasn't met my son, so it was a non-issue, but that's another matter.. However, because it takes a while for everything to go through the system (and he lied about him being his so he requested a DNA test to save face which took longer), he was like 3 or 4 months old when we got the order. 

I would absolutely never, if at all within my control, allow overnight visits during that time. Particularly in the early weeks, bottlefeeding can cause many, many issues. They can develop nipple preference or confusion, it can decrease supply (even if you pump! formula is especially likely to do this), it increases the risk of developing plugged ducts or mastitis, the formula itself has risks and can cause a permanent change to the gut, and it can lead to difficulties that all too often lead women on a downward spiral and result in giving up and early weaning. Even when they're older it's not always feasible - some babies will not take bottles at an older age, formula still has risks and they may be unable to take it due to intolerances. In some cases baby is physically unable to take a bottle - my daughter had a terrible latch on the breast and absolutely could not properly latch on to a bottle and effectively remove milk. For some mothers and babies they can go back and forth between bottlefeeding and breastfeeding just fine, but that is often not the case. (Btw, I'm not bashing formula - it is a wonderful thing for babies who do not get breastmilk, whatever the reason - just stating the facts.smile.gif)

 

If you want him to have visitation, obviously that's fine! But I would not let him take the baby by himself at all at this young age. You cannot assure that he won't be hungry during the time the father has him. And for a baby as young as 2 weeks old it's really not a good idea to be separated from them anyway; they're brand spankin' new and are at an age where it's crucial that they stay in their primary environment as much as possible and have mommy around as much as possible.

Best of luck, mama!!!


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#43 of 44 Old 02-05-2012, 01:04 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by babybottom View Post

 

He wants to visit our son, but doesn't want to visit at my house with me there. We don't get along and he doesn't feel it necessary for me to watch over him. He is a genuine guy, I just don't want my newborn with someone who as little to no experience.

 

After results come in we will start our court process, but the only way he will visit his son is if I am not there. If I don't allow him to take him will that be a mark against me in court?

 

Thanks, New Mama



Not getting along is not a reason to coparent as the child needs - and your baby needs YOU there too. My daughter's father is only in her life (sort of - he's met her 4 times and she'll be a year old on Saturday) because his parents want him to; he shows no interest aside from the show he puts on when he's around his parents. We do NOT get along AT ALL - he did terrible things to me during and after our relationship. We will never, ever get along, period. But that doesn't mean we can't be civil when around our daughter; we HAVE to be willing to coparent in person. I do not participate in the fake conversations that pretend we're on good terms and give a rats behind about each other, and I avoid participation in conversations that would be (or even might be) important if we go to court - and all conversation aside from "how about the weather" and "is she walking now?" that's done outside of email I send an email mentioning it, just for the record. 

 

And, while I understand what you are saying, his lack of experience is simply not a reason to keep him from caring for your child - many parents don't have any experience before their babies are born! That's just part of becoming a parent. (Of course that is not to say that he SHOULD care for your child by himself and that you don't have valid reasons - I'm just saying that then experience part, in and of itself, is not a valid reason.)


 

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Originally Posted by babybottom View Post

Does he have rights even though he isn't on the birth certificate and an affidavit hasn't been signed? Just if the test says yes.

 

I just don't want any bad marks against me in court that he could use, saying I with holding his son.

 

New Mama


Legally, no, not until it is established in court.

 

I would send him an email and explain why you feel being separated from your son is not a good idea - I would mention the real risks it could have to breastfeeding, how he is so little that he needs his mommy, etc. You could tell him that you are willing to go into a separate part of the house, or if you meet somewhere like at a park, you could sit elsewhere away if it will make him feel more comfortable, but that you need to be there for the baby when he needs you. You could propose some ideas of when/where to meet, and how long you think would be reasonable (I think even all day is totally reasonable if you're there!). The more reasonable you sound and the more you seem to be encouraging ways to work it out, the more UNreasonable he will seem by refusing to see his son with you there, and THAT will count against HIM. 

 


- Emy . Single mom to DS nut.gif Ezra (15.12.05), angel2.gif Thames (reincarnated 18.04.08) and DD rainbow1284.gif babyf.gif Allora (11.02.11) and dog2.gif Hoppylactivist.gif  novaxnocirc.gif  waterbirth.jpg fambedsingle2.gif bfinfant.giffemalesling.GIFcd.gif

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#44 of 44 Old 02-05-2012, 02:01 PM
 
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And, btw, being polite and trying to keep a reasonable, open tone - in person or via email or text - is essential if it comes down to court. The less animosity you appear to have, the better you will look.


- Emy . Single mom to DS nut.gif Ezra (15.12.05), angel2.gif Thames (reincarnated 18.04.08) and DD rainbow1284.gif babyf.gif Allora (11.02.11) and dog2.gif Hoppylactivist.gif  novaxnocirc.gif  waterbirth.jpg fambedsingle2.gif bfinfant.giffemalesling.GIFcd.gif

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