How did you get over this sick feeling... - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 11 Old 02-01-2012, 07:32 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I hate that my DD spends time with my Ex's GF.  I hate it.  When he picks her up and I know the GF is in his car, my stomach sinks.  Does this get easier?  My DD is only 15 months so it isn't like she talks about her or anything...it is just my own issue with having another woman around her.  He doesn't have DD a whole lot, but it still is so painful for me. Advice? Words of comfort?

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#2 of 11 Old 02-01-2012, 05:55 PM
 
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It just takes time. It does get better. I will still get pangs like yesterday when I saw the GF put a photo of DS up on Facebook saying "our boy". Infact I pretty much wanted to punch her in the face and tell her he is not her anything! LOL. But apart from that it doesn't bother me too much any more.


It's complicated.
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#3 of 11 Old 02-02-2012, 09:58 AM
 
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This is my biggest fear. Ex was "not dating" (but was seriously dating) a common friend for a bit. It was eating me inside. Now he has a "friend" who he swears is just a friend. They went swimming with her kids, his kids and our DD two weekends ago and it really bothered me.

 

I don't know how to feel ok with it either so I just wanted to say I get it . *hug*  Becca is just 27 months old... just over 2 and it makes me feel so angry and sad that she has someone else around her.

 

On the other hand I am dating someone and she is around him and I know it is probably hard for ex too.

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#4 of 11 Old 02-02-2012, 03:18 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Yes, I can intellectually have empathy because my ex will soon experience these same feelings (or I assume so) as I have a boyfriend, but I am not introducing her to him until we've been together 4 months, but it is still so hard.  Yesterday when my ex dropped her off he sent with her some homemade pea soup that his GF had made because "she couldn't stop eating it."  I wanted to throw it out, but why would I deprive DD of something she enjoyed.  I don't send her favourite dishes with her to him, so why did he feel the need.  Man it triggered me....like...stay away from my kid B#%$&**!!!!!! 

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#5 of 11 Old 02-02-2012, 04:42 PM
 
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Agreed. Ex's first person he dated after we split was a disaster. She was my hairdresser and our friend and she was sexting him and she was married. And he was niave and thought she was flirting until it got to a certain point and then he was in.

 

They split which is good and it was b/c she found out that I found out.

 

She was buying DD stuff, playing with her, babysat her, snuggled her. She hadn't had daughters, she just had two older sons so an 18 mo old little bb to snuggle was fun for her.

 

I was really getting upset and finally their friendship ended and it was better.

 

I have trouble with the whole sharing my little one because she is so little. I am in a relationship but my guy I am dating has been around a long time, ex knows about him, and only met DD at Xmas.

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#6 of 11 Old 02-02-2012, 11:39 PM
 
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This is hard. I have been working on preparing myself for this because I actually do want my ex to have a full life and for myself to have someone else to truly love me and my children. We got divorced 2 months ago and I have not been dating yet. My DS told me that ex introduced them to his "new friend" at his job a couple of weeks ago and I felt a lot of emotions about that. I asked him about it and he said that there was no one, so who knows. Anyway, since I started feeling my emotions around it, I figured I'd better deal with them whether he's lying or telling the truth.

 

I had a lot of issues with my ex taking the kids to his sister who never wanted me in their family because of my race. I had to deal with this because he "sided" with her and I had to accept that he was going to make her a part of my children's life because according to him, he is a "people pleaser". OK. So I did two things that helped me feel free:

 

1. I made a choice to accept that my children will have a relationship with this person,.

and I wanted to help them have positive relationships with people in their lives just as I want positive relationships with people in my life. (I wrote it in my journal and read it out loud every morning until I felt that it was true!)

 

2. I let ex and his family know that I wanted the children to have good relationships with them and that I would not participate because I did not want to continue in the drama. I told them that I was leaving the relationship in order to make space for healing and resolution. I asked them to treat my children with kindness and respect because I love them more than anything in the world and I am overprotective of them.

 

Now, that means that I set some boundaries. And I let them know that I will be calling the children when they are visiting them to talk to the kids. I want to hear their voices and make sure that they are feeling happy. Otherwise, I let go of it. I really do not want that drama in my life. I assume that I will try the same approach when ex gets in a new relationship. I will establish myself as the children's mother, set some boundaries, and get out of the way. Since I've done this, I have a better life for myself. I just focus on what I want and do my best with the kids. I'm hapy. It takes making a commitment to shift my focus everyday, but it is totally worth it. I am light and productive!

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#7 of 11 Old 02-03-2012, 07:29 PM
 
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Hi

My ex is already living with his gf and two kids from a previous marriage of hers.
To top it off my son calls her mommy. The school asked for family pictures and they sent a pic of the 5 of them on a sofa. When they drop my son, she is there... All those things.

It did bother me at first, and sometimes I still feel a stomach bother too, thankfully it only lasts a few seconds.

What helps:

Knowing that I am mom, nobody else, my son knows it, he is just calling us the same, he also calls the teacher mommy.But we have a special bond.

Knowing we are all connected, and the more love we outflow, the more love we receive. My son loves her and that is a great feeling to have and it also means she treats him right, which is a great releif.I Would freak out if he didn't want to go with her.

Knowing this way he misses me less. At first I actually hated this. But now when he goes with them and he waves to me "bye mommy, love you" and leaves with a smile, I have to admit that is a blessing, imagine if he would suffer and leave kicking and screaming.

We are not being replaced, our kids worlds have been expanded. From just mom and dad to a mom, a dad and a stepmom. ...hmmmm and hopefully s stepdad soon too, in my case innocent.gif

It takes time, I would say be patient with yourself. Our kids will get to experience two families. But we are and will always be mom

Hope that helps
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#8 of 11 Old 02-05-2012, 07:18 AM
 
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Sorry, but I'll be blunt.  You need to get over it.  It takes a village to raise a child.  She belongs just as much to her dad as to you.  Don't take cheap shots.


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#9 of 11 Old 02-05-2012, 08:59 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I didn't think I took any cheap shots, but thanks.

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#10 of 11 Old 02-05-2012, 10:56 AM
 
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Not saying you did.  Because you didn't.


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#11 of 11 Old 02-05-2012, 05:23 PM
 
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My X is dating a 22 year old that works in the bar where he hangs out.  He is an alcoholic, and was abusive to us.  I also had that lurch in my stomach when he introduced her...I mean, he is 44 and a 22 year old bar girl is not a good influence on the kids.  They have anxiety about him and alcohol, etc.  and they know she works in a bar.  Anyway...what I realized is that he will not be abusive to them while she is there.  In fact, he is not abusive to them when she is not there, because he is putting up a front for her that he is normal.  So, even though the girlfriend does negatively influence them...like, my 8 year old is a precociously good reader and so she gave her some books...Teen literature, with attitude and makeout sessions and everything (of course she still had them b/c she is barely out of her teens).  And she makes jewelry, fun beadwork, which she gives to the kid and they think is special.  But, she does it on wire which is very likely to contain lead, and puts metal charms on it which are also likely full of lead.  Sigh.  They drop the jewelry and I toss it.  The books I put on the shelves and I should pack them away (tonight!).  But I digress...he is play acting at being a better parent, because she is around.  I know that he is still mentally ill, and still abusive, deep down inside.  And he is still a crappy parent....mostly they just watch movies, often 3 in a row, and he cannot discipline them without being abusive, so they get no discipline at all.  Even I am a better parent when someone is watching me. Psychology 101.  So with her around, I know he's using his A game (even if his A game sucks).

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