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#1 of 2 Old 02-08-2012, 10:56 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Okay people, i'm new to this and have alot going on but I'd like some real advise!  I'm a GOOD FATHER! I have 6 children, two whom live outside my household! The one I'm writing about is my 4 yr old son. His' mother & I had no relationship and an acute friendship! We've been in NYS fanmily court for 3 1/2 years!!!! After several previous orders we recieved a final order 3 months ago and she has recently file a new petition for sole-custody! I'm so tired of fighting that I fee it's time to give him up & give in! My son doesn't need a father, who loves & cares about him & his well-being! I'm a teacher & FT graduate student (finishing my MS degree in May 2012). I spend alot of QT with ALL my children! I have my son every other weekend, alternating holidays/school breaks plus 2 wks each summer! (I have 2 months off each summer!!!) I send child support monthly and have NEVER missed a payment, even when she refuses to allow him to see me/us!

 

Why is she always using him like a pawn in a chess match! Well, I'm tired of playing so I feel its best to let her have him & walk away forever!  She has attempted to take her life twice yet retains custody, etc. She has many people in & out of her household! My son has arrived for my visitation with various bruises, etc. That she claims he did during a fall, etc. I can't prove anything! She calls me when he doesn;t listen to her and expects me to discpline him for her, etc. I'm so stressed that I'm thinking about give letting him go! I pay her approx $400 a month, yet he often arrives in clothes that are too small on him or very tattered or dirty. The cost of a lawyer is between $3000 & $7500 to retain! I can't afford it! The court won't give me a lawyer, i earn too much, yet she is awarded one??? Oh yeah, she was recently fired from her 2nd state job, this time for too much Internet use! I can't win, not that I want to win anythinhg! I'm fine with the current order in place!

 

Now she claims "medical neglect" b/c I refuse to give our son a medication for a 6yr! She needs the drugs for him to control his' behavior! I don't see any of the behavioral problems she discribes when he is in my care! I'm sure I can prove alot is false in her petition, but I'm very tired and stressed! She plans events for him to attend on MY PARENTING TIME! Then gets upset when I say NO!

 

By the way, I can get numerous people, children, parents, co-workers, etc to tesify on my chartacter as it pretains to my love & caring about children & young people, especially my own! Yet, i feel this case is a lossing battle for me! She doesn't want our son to have ANY OVERNITES with his 4 sisters & older brother! WOW! Now she wants him to have limted contact after have a regular schedule for months!

 

CAN ANYONE MAKE ME BELIEVE I SHOULD STILL FIGHT? ISN'T IT BEST FOR HIM TO LIVE WITH HIS' MOTHER, SINCE SHE WON'T ALLOW HIM TO HAVE A COMPLETE RELATIONSHIP WITH ME, HIS BIO-DADDY! bY THE WAY SHE TELLS HIM HER DRUG-DEALING BOY-FRIEND IS HIS' DAD! nICE HUH!

I can see how this will all play out when he become a teenager! I work with kids who have behaviorial issues in my school where I'm employed! I see negative behaviors daily! I can see my son acting out if I let go my my rights! I'm sure I'll regret it, but I feel as if I have no choice! He'll be better off without me!

 

ps: I have had a positive relationship with my oldest son's mother & step-father for the past 16 years! and my other child who lives outside my home, I have a good relationshiop with her & her mom & family! Enough is enough!

Is it time to throw the towel in?

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#2 of 2 Old 02-22-2012, 06:08 PM
 
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I don't frequent this forum, so I just now saw your post.  Sorry no one else responded, in 2 weeks.
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by DaddioDunc6 View Post

Okay people, i'm new to this and have alot going on but I'd like some real advise!  I'm a GOOD FATHER! I have 6 children, two whom live outside my household! The one I'm writing about is my 4 yr old son. His' mother & I had no relationship and an acute friendship! We've been in NYS fanmily court for 3 1/2 years!!!!

My DH spent 8 years in court with his son's mother, before their custody/visitation situation stabilized (i.e., he got sole custody). I hear you, about the exhaustion and frustration with the whole process.  But you see that it could be worse.  

 

It all boils down to this, Daddio:  What amount of frustration is more important to you than your son?  

The right answer is "none":  At no point can my son's mother frustrate me so much that I stop wanting to be his father.

 

After several previous orders we recieved a final order 3 months ago and she has recently file a new petition for sole-custody! I'm so tired of fighting that I fee it's time to give him up & give in! My son doesn't need a father, who loves & cares about him & his well-being! I'm a teacher & FT graduate student (finishing my MS degree in May 2012). I spend alot of QT with ALL my children! I have my son every other weekend, alternating holidays/school breaks plus 2 wks each summer! (I have 2 months off each summer!!!) I send child support monthly and have NEVER missed a payment, even when she refuses to allow him to see me/us!

 

Why is she always using him like a pawn in a chess match! Well, I'm tired of playing so I feel its best to let her have him & walk away forever!  She has attempted to take her life twice yet retains custody, etc.

 

Again, I understand the frustration and exasperation, with judges who don't seem to act in the best interest of the child.  If you knew my family's story, you'd know that I really, really, really do understand!

 

But when we adults get finished feeling sorry for ourselves, the only issue that matters is what the child needs.  According to you, he has a mother who denies him time with a loving father; who uses him as a pawn; and who is dangerously unstable.  Does leaving him completely alone with her - completely removing whatever protection and vigilance you're able to provide - REALLY sound like responsible parenting, on your end?  

 

If he were being attacked by a dog, would you walk away and say, "This is just too upsetting for me to deal with, so he'll have to face it on his own"????  Of course you wouldn't.  And you can't.  You would confirm every rotten thing his mother has ever said about you,and will ever say about you.  He would grow up hearing that you abandoned him...and that would be true, if you stop fighting for your parental rights.

 

This is hard on you and I'm sorry.  But you are the man.  Your job is to climb the mountains you have to climb and defeat the monsters you need to defeat, to protect your child.  That is the reason you exist.  (I am not saying his mother is a "monster"...but it might be fair to look at the family courts that way.)

 

Choose to be your son's indefatiguable hero.  Do not let yourself be the man weak enough to be driven away.

 

She has many people in & out of her household! My son has arrived for my visitation with various bruises, etc. That she claims he did during a fall, etc. I can't prove anything! She calls me when he doesn;t listen to her and expects me to discpline him for her, etc. I'm so stressed that I'm thinking about give letting him go! I pay her approx $400 a month, yet he often arrives in clothes that are too small on him or very tattered or dirty. The cost of a lawyer is between $3000 & $7500 to retain! I can't afford it! The court won't give me a lawyer, i earn too much, yet she is awarded one??? Oh yeah, she was recently fired from her 2nd state job, this time for too much Internet use! I can't win, not that I want to win anythinhg! I'm fine with the current order in place!

 

Now she claims "medical neglect" b/c I refuse to give our son a medication for a 6yr! She needs the drugs for him to control his' behavior! I don't see any of the behavioral problems she discribes when he is in my care! I'm sure I can prove alot is false in her petition, but I'm very tired and stressed!

 

How do you think your LITTLE KID feels, living with her?

 

She plans events for him to attend on MY PARENTING TIME! Then gets upset when I say NO!  So what?  Let her be upset.  Unless they're events like soccer practice, which he has a right to participate in regardless which parent he's with.  Don't keep him away from things just because she signed him up and don't be ruled by what upsets her.

 

By the way, I can get numerous people, children, parents, co-workers, etc to tesify on my chartacter as it pretains to my love & caring about children & young people, especially my own! Yet, i feel this case is a lossing battle for me! She doesn't want our son to have ANY OVERNITES with his 4 sisters & older brother! WOW! Now she wants him to have limted contact after have a regular schedule for months!

 

CAN ANYONE MAKE ME BELIEVE I SHOULD STILL FIGHT?

You don't need anyone else to tell you this.  You know it, in your heart, already.

 

ISN'T IT BEST FOR HIM TO LIVE WITH HIS' MOTHER, SINCE SHE WON'T ALLOW HIM TO HAVE A COMPLETE RELATIONSHIP WITH ME, HIS BIO-DADDY! bY THE WAY SHE TELLS HIM HER DRUG-DEALING BOY-FRIEND IS HIS' DAD! nICE HUH!

Are you seriously saying that if you can't have the relationship with him that you want, you'd rather have no relationship with him at all?  Surely, this is just your frustration talking and you don't really think that's right.

 

I can see how this will all play out when he become a teenager! I work with kids who have behaviorial issues in my school where I'm employed! I see negative behaviors daily! I can see my son acting out if I let go my my rights! I'm sure I'll regret it, but I feel as if I have no choice! He'll be better off without me!

 

So, you know it would be bad for your kid if you walked away.  You know it would have a negative impact on the rest of his life.  But you're considering walking away - regardless - because it's all "just too hard for you"?  You don't want to be that kind of person.

 

Right now, you're frustrated.  If you walk away from your child, you will not feel better.  You will feel frustrated and ashamed of yourself. 

 

ps: I have had a positive relationship with my oldest son's mother & step-father for the past 16 years! and my other child who lives outside my home, I have a good relationshiop with her & her mom & family! Enough is enough!

Is it time to throw the towel in?

 

That's a ridiculous question.  The real question is:  If your son's mom is as bad as you say, is his best interest served by her having primary custody?  Even if you asked for custody at the outset and were denied, a judge might be willing to give you custody, later on.  

- Right now, ask the court for a custody evaluation.  These are often performed by expensive private practitioners, but they can also be done by more affordable public child welfare agencies.  It would be unusual for an evaluator to recommend you have custody when your son is only 4, but he/she may reinforce for the court your strengths as a parent; the concerns about your son's mom; and the importance of enforcing your parenting time so Mom doesn't destroy your son's bond with you and your side of his family.  Whereas the court might simply say "no" when she asks for sole custody, or asks to reduce your visitation, a CE can get the court to acknowledge that the very act of requesting these things may show how Mom prioritizes her hostility toward you, over what's best for the child.

- Take her back to court and ask that she be found in contempt every, single time she denies a visit (or in any other way disobeys your court orders).  Represent yourself, if you must.  The important thing is to let the court - and Mom - know that you will not go away.  If the court does not find a way to make her follow its orders, it will keep being bothered by seeing your face in the courtroom!

- Ask for an injunction, compelling her to follow the visitation orders.  There will be additional penalties, for violating the injunction, if she continues denying visits.  One of the potential penalties may be losing custody.  Look up the laws, where you live.

- Eventually, Mom may back down and just let you exercise your parenting time, rather than continue to fight with you.  OR the court may eventually decide it's easier to give custody to the parent who will follow the court orders and spare the judge all these repeat contempt hearings!  That's basically how it went, for my DH.  But it wasn't easy.  No one ever said you're entitled to have parenthood be easy.  There are parents out there watching their kids die of cancer; watching their kids starve because they can't afford to feed them; wondering where their kids are after they've been abducted.  All that's being asked of you is to take a stand and not back down just because your opponent is more difficult than most.  Be up to it.

 

 


One woman in a house full of men:  my soul mate:    or... twin sons:(HS seniors) ... step-son:  (a sophomore) ... our little man:   (a first grader) ... and there is another female in the house, after all:  our
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