I don't know how to help dd and ds through this,especially with my own feelings about it - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 4 Old 02-19-2012, 07:11 AM - Thread Starter
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Exh has made one $40 child support payment in 3 years.He's homeless,living who knows where.I'm not sure what he owes,but since he never filed for relief or anything,it's probably over $25,000,a little more than half to the state,and the rest to me.Ds and I are on SSI,so I'm supposed to get full child support for him,and dd is on cash assistance so I'm supposed to get $50 a month for her,the rest goes to the state,plus the state is supposed to get around $15 a week for medical for both kids.


We had court on January 5th.He didn't show,I heard from a mutual friend that he had been over at his house,stole his money,and of course went to get drunk.Exh is an alcoholic,has been for over 20 years,and he's 36. :( I had to wait until the last case was called,to see if he would show up. 3 hours sitting in an uncomfortable chair in a room overflowing with people(I was lucky to even have a seat,there were people standing even at the front of the room!) is not a good thing for someone with fibromyalgia and anxiety.Plus an hour long bus ride there and back on a very crowded bus.Anyway.The judge ordered a body attatchment,and of course the kids did not see or hear from him at all.Dd is very upset,she's 13,she was crying so hard wondering what was going on with daddy,why he hasn't called her.She knows about his issues,and is talking with her therapist about alcoholism and her feelings about this and her little brother(he has Asperger's and its hard for her to deal with him sometimes).Ds is 10,and has barely mentioned his father.I finally found a therapist for him,and while I was in with him for the first session,the therapist asked him about his dad,and he said he doesn't like him and doesn't want to see him.That didn't surprise me,as exh has always paid more attention to dd,he's never really understood ds. :(


On Friday February 10th exh turned himself in.I was called to come into court on the 13th.I thought because of the body attatchment,he would be held for the weekend until court on Monday.On Monday I went to court, and after our case not being called for 2 hours,his public defence lawyer came over and pulled me aside.He said he thought he was in lockup,but that the judge let him go on Friday with the promise that he would show up for court on Monday.Exh told the judge he has a job lined up for March 1st.He gave the court his nephew's address,and my dad's phone number! They read off the phone number to the judge,and I said,um,that's my dad's number! He told the court it was a friend.I really don't think my dad qualifies as that,considering how he feels about exh! The judge issued another body attatchment,and I haven't heard anything since.


I am so upset that he was free and clear the rest of the 10th,the 11th and 12th and he did not contact our kids at all.It's been over a month and a half since they've seen him.


Now I know that we've just been used for 14 years.He stuck around when dd was born,I was the one working and supporting us,along with help from the state.Everytime he did find a job,it never lasted very long.He would steal from dd's piggy bank and my wallet,stay out for days without calling,and he was physically and emotionally abusive to me,he's been arested for domestic violence 5 or 6 times.He finally found a job that he stayed with for years,but he would get drunk on the job,and since he would be closing the shop(an oil change place) I would end up going there and doing things such as counting the money in the drawer because he was too drunk.I enabled him.Ds was born during that time,and with all the hell we went through(I had a homebirth and CPS was called,ds was found to have heart defects and had surgery at 10 weeks old) I did everything.He continued to get drunk and finally was fired from the job.I finally filed for divorce about 4 years ago.He would visit, steal from me and even dd,I would make him leave,he would come back and bang for hours on my downstairs door until I called the police or he passed out,or both.Many times he was taken by rescue to the hospital for being so drunk.I finally got a restraining order,and he saw the kids a few times with my dad at McD's,which of course my dad payed for(just the kids).


After he started calling them regularly,and showing up for all visits sober,the visits increased to where I would leave my home,and he would come stay with the kids for an hour or 2,with one of my parents in the building.He seemed to be doing ok,and I thought maybe he would finally get some help and find a job and a place to live.I guess not.


I am so angry,frustrated,hurt,I just want to scream.How can he do this?Never mind all the crap he did to me,how can he do this to his own children?? My depression is getting worse,I am in pain,and so exhausted all the time,doesn't matter how much sleep I get.I need some help with my housework,I am not able to do enough,I make sure the kids are fed,clean and have clean clothes and everything they need for school,and make sure they get to school on time.I clean the kitty boxes and the bathroom,and I'm getting rid of lots of stuff,so far about 25 bags for donation and another 15 or so in broken toys,trash and stained clothes,so I'm working on it.No one at all will help me,my parents just yell at me for the house being messy,and my supposed best friend just keeps sending her 7yo dd (who I love very much) here on weekends so she can sleep at her boy friend's house.That just means another mouth to feed,another child to make sure showers and brushes her teeth and everything.


I just feel like I'm falling apart,and I can't,I need to be here for my kids.I put on an act of a happy face for everyone. I can't cry,it just won't happen.My therapist doen't even know how I'm feeling.How can I get all of us through this when I feel like this inside??I hate this. :(



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#2 of 4 Old 02-19-2012, 08:15 AM
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Oh mama- what a tough situation. I am so sorry you are hurting. I have fibro symptoms to and it is hard to hurt all the time and the stress just makes it so so so much worse.

I am sure the mama's on here will have advice- I just have HUGS.

Much love





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#3 of 4 Old 02-19-2012, 09:12 AM
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Oh mama...I am so sorry.  Have you tried epsom salts baths?  They, and magnesium glycinate or mag citrate supplements can help the stress and fibro.  I like the Natural Calm brand.  I also take Solaray's Mega B Stress b complex and I can't deal with the stress without it.  The website www.ctds.info (connective tissue disorder site) also has some dietary stuff that can ameliorate the fibro.


Can you find a counselor for yourself?  I have done a couple purges of stuff recently, it took heroic effort (I am always tired from celiac and fibro-ish symptoms) and we are in the middle of another purge in the kids room, but it feels SOOOO good with all that junk gone.  I don't have anyone to help with the house either, ever, and I am ashamed to admit that I cry about it sometimes.  It is just too much work, especially with the celiac and being poor I make every. single. meal from scratch.  Sigh.  

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#4 of 4 Old 02-20-2012, 06:31 PM
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Oh dear mama..I'm so sorry. I can relate (somewhat) my child's father is an alcholic. And manipulative like your exh. But I didn't stick around. His abuse continued and I left him and headed home (600 miles away) when I was about 8 weeks pregnant.


You need to focus on you, and what's best for your children. Drop that "best friend" at the door. That's not fair to you when you're struggling. How inconsiderate of her. Sometime's it's not beneficial for us to pretend like everything is OK. Let go of that! Tell people how you feel, what's going on (if you're comfortable), ask for help!


I can't offer too much advice as so far contact with baby daddy has been minimal (mainly because I haven't talked to him since Sept 2011) but there's a toss up of whether he is going to pursue.


Anyway, I'm sorry. Stay strong. Do what's best for you and your kids. Keep the police actively involved with him. Stay safe.

Kaitlyn - 21, single mother to an adorable baby girl born 1/18/2012 (:

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