I"ve heard the saying it takes a village,just not sure i can be the village - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 9 Old 03-08-2012, 10:26 PM - Thread Starter
 
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 am a single mom college student to a 10 yo dd and the parent of a new adult 20 yo dd. I have been parenting my entire adult life and now that my youngest is almost grown i am beginning to look ahead to what i want to do for/with myself when its just me at home.My oldest dd has 2 babies,2 yo dd and 7 mth old ds. She is not at all like me in that she is not a home body and would rather be anything other than a sahm even while the babies are so young. When she was working she would only leave the babies with me or the kids family on their dad's side because she says she doesn't trust anyone else.That was ok before i started school but now i just don't have the time to babysit so its mostly the kids other side of the family. The problem comes in that she wants to go into the national guard which requires basic training of 10 weeks,and guess who she wants to keep them for 2 1/2 mths? I love my grandkids but i just don't think i am up for the job of caring for 2 babies for that period of time and i also just don't want to make the major changes in my life that babies require. I have told her she needs to wait until they are older before she leaves them for that amount of time but whenever i give her good advice she doesn't listen. Am I being selfish? Do I as her Mother have a respondsibility to help her do what she thinks she wants with her life even when i know her choices are going to end badly? I really am fed up with this particular child's bad life choices but i can't wash my hands of her because of the babies. I really feel like whenever she feels like she is not the center of my attention she creates some crisis to take my attention away from her sister who is still a child and deserves to be getting the lions share of it.Is it selfish of me to focus my attention on raising my child and not hers? What would you do? HELP!!!

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#2 of 9 Old 03-08-2012, 11:48 PM
 
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Can you look for recommendations in your area of good daycare centers and present them to her? Could she qualify for any government assistance in paying for the childcare, if the cost is an issue for her? 


Single student mama to dd 5/04 and ds 11/07.

 

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#3 of 9 Old 03-09-2012, 05:24 AM
 
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You are not selfish. It sounds like she is immature still and thinks the world revolves around herself. My mom works. I do not ask my mom to take time off of her job to take my kids for 1 day, let alone 10 weeks of full time care! My kids are my responsibility, if I wanted to to something like that I wold have to find someone willing to devote 10 weeks of their life to my kids, which I don't have and therefore would never do. I think most people would not have someone who is willing to drop everything for 10 weeks.

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#4 of 9 Old 03-09-2012, 11:01 AM
 
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No, you are not being selfish at all. My parents would literally laugh themselves silly if I asked them to do that, and they are *very* supportive and helpful for me.

 

I think you would be doing your daughter a disservice by doing it for her. It sounds like everyone has been enabling her and she needs to learn to stand on her own two feet. She also needs to learn to put her kids needs first. Right now they *need* their Mother with them.

 

Personally I can't understand how she would want to leave such little babies for so long.

 

And you are right, your 10yo definitely needs the lions share of your parenting and attention right now, your 20yo needs to parent, not be parented.


It's complicated.
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#5 of 9 Old 03-12-2012, 01:21 PM - Thread Starter
 
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The quality or availability of care is not the problem,she doesn't trust anyone else. And yes she could get funding to help her pay for daycare,but they are not going to pay for 24 hour care.I just saw her last night and now she wants to skip the national guard and go straight for the air force.When I had her I had a hard time leaving her in daycare a few hours a day to finish school so I just can't understand her wanting to leave 2 babies for 10 weeks of basic.I keep telling her to finish school.She told me that the military would pay for her to go to school,but she qualifies for grants to go to school that would leave her with no debt so that just doesn't fly with me. And yes Learning Mum she does need to parent not be parented,I just don't know how to get her to see  that those babies should be her first priority and everything else should come second.At their ages they need her time,love, attention more than all the material goods she wants to provide for them. I don't understand where i could have gone wrong with this child,she is so unlike me. I know she loves them but every time I see them I just feel so bad for them because I feel like their need for nurturing is not being met.
 

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Originally Posted by jaam View Post

Can you look for recommendations in your area of good daycare centers and present them to her? Could she qualify for any government assistance in paying for the childcare, if the cost is an issue for her? 



 

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#6 of 9 Old 03-12-2012, 06:21 PM
 
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I could be wrong about this, but I don't think the military will let you enroll active duty if you are a single parent. I know they wouldn't let both xh and I both enroll bc we had a daughter. I think the reasoning is if something were to happen to her the burden of caring for the child relys  on the state. I could be totally off base, but I *think* that is the case.


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#7 of 9 Old 03-12-2012, 07:45 PM
 
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That used to be the case anyway because I remember my mom (single) saying she considered the military when I was very young and they would have made her give custody to my grandmother.


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#8 of 9 Old 03-13-2012, 04:33 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I believe you are correct with the custody thing, the problem is I don't think she would have a problem with that.greensad.gif

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#9 of 9 Old 03-13-2012, 09:48 AM
 
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but you have to want custody of them. It's a legal process where she'd have to go to court, not just a matter of her dropping the kids off with you and leaving.

 


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