I think my only major relationship as a single mom is going to end... - Mothering Forums

 
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#1 of 29 Old 03-09-2012, 07:30 AM - Thread Starter
 
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#2 of 29 Old 03-09-2012, 07:51 AM - Thread Starter
 
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#3 of 29 Old 03-09-2012, 08:04 AM
 
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Is he on medication?

 

 

I'm so sorry Mama. *hugs*  It really sucks when a relationship ends, especially one with kids.

 

I say this as gently as possible, but from an outsider view, it does appear that he was using you, and you deserve SO MUCH more than that. So does your son.

 

It will be hard. I won't lie about that... but you will get through this and you will be stronger and when the time is right, you will meet someone who treats you amazing and who will not take advantage of your big heart, that you obviously have to have taken care of this guy for so long.

 

Don't let this break your spirit. Hold onto your strength and leave. You will know a true love one day. *hugs*

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#4 of 29 Old 03-09-2012, 08:39 AM - Thread Starter
 
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#5 of 29 Old 03-09-2012, 09:39 AM
 
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Maybe your son going to his dad's for the weekend is a blessing for you right now. You will have a little space to do what you have to do (which is cut your losses!) Your dp's bipolar doesn't give him license to treat you like crap. You've been over-functioning for him long enough.  

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#6 of 29 Old 03-09-2012, 10:25 AM - Thread Starter
 
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#7 of 29 Old 03-09-2012, 12:35 PM
 
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Nothing will make the situation better but being away from it and giving yourself space and time to heal. *hugs*

 

I had my only romantic relationship since my divorce end 9 months ago. It's hard. But something better is out there for you.


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#8 of 29 Old 03-09-2012, 12:59 PM
 
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Im really sorry OP. You sound heartbroken. As an outsider reading your post, all I can think is how you and your son deserve so so much more. I have two family members with bipolar. I won't minimize the impact but quite frankly, it doesnt give anyone the right to be a complete jerk, use other people, etc. To me, that's called a serious character flaw, not a mental health issue. I can see you have a great deal of empathy and compassion for others. It is probably easy for you to feel sorry for him and blame his behavior on bipolar. It also takes away some of the pain if you can blame bipolar and not him. But seriously, don't waste any more empathy on him. He doesn't deserve you. Someone is out there for you who will love you and treat you with respect. Someone who will treat you as if you have worth, which you do. Someone who will be a decent role model for your son on how you treat people you love and care about. This man is not that person. Yes, there will be loss for you and your son but you shouldn't have to live this way. The pain you and your son are going to endure if you stay will be much worse than the pain of cutting things off. Love yourself enough to realize that you both deserve better.
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#9 of 29 Old 03-09-2012, 01:50 PM
 
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I also hope that I did not come across as minimizing Bipolar disorder. Especially since I have it, and know too well the havoc that it can wreak on life. I will say though that even if his behavior IS driven by the disorder, it just doesn't give him a free pass to make you suffer.

 

So sorry.

 

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#10 of 29 Old 03-09-2012, 02:22 PM
 
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Moonwillow I don't think you came across as minimizing at all. I think you made a really good point.
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#11 of 29 Old 03-09-2012, 02:43 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by APToddlerMama View Post

Moonwillow I don't think you came across as minimizing at all. I think you made a really good point.


On no worries!

 

I just felt the need to clarify.  smile.gif


 
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#12 of 29 Old 03-09-2012, 05:08 PM
 
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This is not a reflection on you, your value, or your viability as a partner. This is a chronic illness that is not being managed. It is not your job to make someone else manage his chronic illness, or to manage it for him. I know that it is devastating, I know that because I have been there.

 

A man who will treat people with whom his is superficially connected with superficial respect is not necessarily a man who will commit and who will treat a committed partner with respect. His lack of respect for you is not a reflection on you.

 

You have a right to a partner who actively manages his chronic conditions (whether that is substance use, mental illness, or physical illness). If he isn't willing to take care of himself, it's not your shortcoming, and not your job to fix it, or to change to make it work. I know you've invested a lot. I know what that's like too. It sucks to be at the end of a three-year relationship-journey and feel, "#*^@... I've got nothing!"

 

You have you. And it sounds like you have a lot of strengths.

 

I hear you saying that he wants to rewrite the relationship contract to include things that are not okay with you. You can't control him or change him, but you don't have to accept it either.

 

Your child is still fairly young, but I fall in the camp of explaining things like mental illness in age-appropriate ways.
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by MoonWillow View Post

Maybe your son going to his dad's for the weekend is a blessing for you right now. You will have a little space to do what you have to do (which is cut your losses!) Your dp's bipolar doesn't give him license to treat you like crap. You've been over-functioning for him long enough.  



 

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#13 of 29 Old 03-11-2012, 08:59 AM - Thread Starter
 
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#14 of 29 Old 03-12-2012, 10:09 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Pariah View Post

I've been trying to stay asleep until I have to pick my son up this evening. I just wake up and cry immediately. I stopped taking my antidepressant recently because I thought I may be pregnant...maybe it would help to take again. I may call my doctor...I am not functioning through this.

 

Yes make the call! If you are pregnant and need to take something, they can help you figure out what the different classes of drugs are and what you may be able to take during pregnancy.

 

I understand not functioning (believe me). You KNOW you need help so please get it. hug2.gif  


 
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#15 of 29 Old 03-12-2012, 02:08 PM - Thread Starter
 
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#16 of 29 Old 03-12-2012, 03:06 PM
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I don't think you are an idiot, at all. This sounds very tough, I'm sorry you're going through it. 


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#17 of 29 Old 03-13-2012, 05:03 PM - Thread Starter
 
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#18 of 29 Old 03-14-2012, 07:39 AM
 
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You do not sound crazy at all. You sound sad and like you are in disbelief. I think the first thing you need to do is stop calling him your partner. A partner would not treat you like this. Honestly, if this is his decision to give you up and be so ungrateful for all you have done for him over the years then think of the relief that will come when you aren't caring for this man anymore. It sounds dangerously co-dependent. Especially the fact that you have been doing everything for him. Can you imagine having a healthy partner in your life who shares the responsibility equally in your relationship? Try imagining that because this relationship that you are in is unhealthy and sad. You deserve way better. If his mania comes out when he leaves, that is really for him to deal with now. Not you. Let him go. Mourn the relationship. But let him go.

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#19 of 29 Old 03-14-2012, 04:44 PM
 
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The great guy that you have been with all this time appears to be gone- he's like a totally different person now. This is a huge shock for you, like your partner died or something. NONE of this is about you, it has nothing to do with you. This situation doesn't reveal any weakness about you, in fact it's the opposite. Your incredible personal strength is obvious from the way you cared for your partner while he was down. Dr Jekyll was hard, but Mr Hyde is going to grind you down. You need to stop having the same conversation with him. He doesn't get to work things out with you on the terms he's proposing. Those terms are ridiculous. This is a huge loss for you, and your son too, but what you had is just not going to happen, unless he does an about-face and gets this under some kind of control. And you really do have strength to spare. Anyone can see that you are an amazing person with a giant heart.


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#20 of 29 Old 03-14-2012, 06:05 PM
 
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I'm so sorry you're in this situation. It sucks, it really does. It's so common for a woman to come out of an abusive relationship and wind up in a subsequent relationship that isn't abusive, but is still toxic. My trajectory was actually quite similar to yours -- I went from an abusive relationship to a relationship with a guy who was a bipolar alcoholic. He wasn't mean and he tried to be a decent partner, (well, sort of tried...okay, didn't try very hard at all). But he wound up being a total financial freeloader until I got my head on straight and kicked him out.

Anyway, do you know much about codependency? I know I'm codependent and it sounds like you might be as well. "Women Who Love Too Much" and "Codependent No More" are both really valuable books to read.

I'm sorry you're going through this heartache. But honestly, better to break up now rather than marry a guy who's going to be irresponsible, freeloading off you, and possibly cheating on you. Being a caretaker for your adult romantic partner is not okay (I mean, unless they've been in a car accident or have cancer or something). Grieve the relationship, be single for a while, and really focus on yourself and learning how to make good choices. Also, the private single parenting forum is a really amazingly supportive place, and a depressingly high percentage of the women there have escaped abuse. We spend a lot of time learning from each other how to make healthy choices in our relationships.


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#21 of 29 Old 03-16-2012, 08:48 PM - Thread Starter
 
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#22 of 29 Old 03-16-2012, 11:12 PM
 
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I am so sorry that things got ugly with your ex. I know it's probably very hard to consider right now, but I think you should press charges. You have a good case, since it took police showing up to end it, and you have his brother as a witness. He might only get probation but it would be a good way to stand up for yourself and show that nobody gets to treat you this way. If a stranger showed up at your home and assaulted you and broke your belongings, you would press charges, why should it be any different because you know him?

 

I know how hard it is to mourn the loss of a person who you once knew that no longer exists, but the man he is now hurt you in a way that nobody gets to hurt you. Take control of your life and be an advocate for yourself and hold him accountable.

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#23 of 29 Old 03-17-2012, 09:35 AM
 
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You need to press charges now. Get the restraining order now. He's bi-polar. If you wanting to use the phone sent him into a rage, what's next? And what if he does it with your son present or hurts your son in the process? He just destroyed a bunch of your stuff also. I'm sure you are justifying his actions and hoping maybe he will still come back but at this point he is a serious danger to you and your kid.

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#24 of 29 Old 03-17-2012, 09:46 AM - Thread Starter
 
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#25 of 29 Old 03-17-2012, 04:27 PM
 
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I'm so sorry it came to that, but I'm glad you're taking steps to protect yourself. Please consider pressing charges. What he did to you was wrong, and against the law. There are consequences to hurting people.

Do you know about the cycle of abuse? If not, you should definitely read up on it. It basically goes tension-building --> abusive explosion --> remorse --> honeymoon phase. Before long he's going to be blowing up your phone, apologizing, begging for another chance, promising to change. It will be a lie, and I think you're strong enough not to fall for it.


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#26 of 29 Old 03-19-2012, 08:25 AM
 
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I am so sorry.


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#27 of 29 Old 03-20-2012, 08:28 AM
 
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I'm so sorry too and I agree about the restraining order. 


 
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#28 of 29 Old 04-01-2012, 06:29 PM
 
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I am so sorry that you are going through this. I agree with what other have said, press changes not only will it make you feel stronger, it will make him accountable for his actions and hopefully in future if there's another women he does this too her case wil be made strong because you stood up to him.

I've not been in an abusive relationship but I'm only 30 and me ten year relationship ended recently because he was cheating. Some thoughts that helped me:

* even though you feel like you love him, cutting him off physically and emotionally will make that love disappear ... And it really did, it's only been fourth months and I can say with 100% certainty I do not love him anymore and I will never ever want to be in a relationship with him. Also I can look at the relationship with complete clarity and aside from his infidelity there were a million little things that I will not put up with from a future partner.

* as awful as you feel right now, I know he can make you feel better because he is the one you have turned to for the last three years... Remember this: the pain you are feeling now was caused by him and him alone, cutting him out of your life will make that pain go away. Allowing you to deal with your own issues and make a better partnership with a better partner in the future

* your son (and my daughters) need a good role model. He is not a good role model for your son, and by putting up with his shit you are not a good role model for your son. I'm really sorry if that sounds harsh but one of the things that helped me feel better about leaving my ex was knowing that if my daughters were in my position it is what I would want them to do... So I model what I thought was the best behaviour

Right now you feel like you would give anything to have the old relationship back but in time you will look back and be glad that you got out when you did... I feel like that already and like I said it has only been four months. If I could go back in time and stop ex from meeting the girl he had an affair with I wouldnt, better to see his true colours now after ten years then after 20 or 25

I know I've talked a lot about myself but I'm so fresh out of a break up I can really feel your pain.

You are strong, mama, and you can deal with this

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#29 of 29 Old 04-01-2012, 06:34 PM
 
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OH mama- I am so sorry. YOU deserve so much better than this and so do your kids. Thinking of you.


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