son walked in on me having sex - Mothering Forums

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Old 03-18-2012, 10:23 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I am 55 and a mom to 4 sons. I share custody of the youngest with my ex. I have been single for 5 years and just began dating 18 months ago. I have gone out a fair amount but have kept the dates a secret or very discrete. I have rarely had sex with any of these men.

I recently met someone with whom I am very interested in pursuing a relationship. Last night he came over to my home after our date and while we were having sex my 17 year old, who was supposed to be at his dad's house for the night, came into the house, heard us and yelled for us to stop. We were in my bedroom so my date dressed and left immediately and my son is so angry he will not speak to me. I just could use some advice in handling this.
1. I do not sleep around. I have had very little sexual contact in 5 years. 
2. I am interested in a long term relationship with this man and my son is aware of that.
3. I would never have had sex in my own home if I expected my son to be there.
4. My son knew I was out on a date with that man, saw his car in the driveway and saw the lights were not on.
5. I recognize that my son is very uncomfortable thinking about his mom as a sexual being. 
6. My son and I have had an very, very close relationship and enjoy many family activities together which, for the past year, have also included his girlfriend. 

Now what do I do?

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Old 03-18-2012, 10:43 AM
 
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You need to explain to him that you aside from being his mother are also a human being and a sexual human being at that. You are the adult of the house and his behavior was not appropriate- at all.

You need to set some clear boundaries and expectations. 

Tell him you know this is uncomfortable.


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Old 03-19-2012, 07:25 AM
 
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One of my best friends walked in on her mom.  Her mom had been single for years.  She ended up marrying the man.  But my friend was 17 at the time and was horrified!   Yelled at her mom, etc.  They talked about it etc.   She was mad at her mom for a long time about it.  But they have a very close relationship.  (And my friend has a much closer relationship to this man than her own dad.)

 

This story actually came up during a discussion about me being single with kids etc.  When my friend realized that her mom was my age (38) when it happened, she felt terrible about over-reacting such a long time ago.

 

I guess my only point is that your son will get over this.  


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Old 03-19-2012, 12:30 PM
 
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I can't say how you should handle it, but your son overreacted and was very disrespectful to you. His reaction is so out of proportion, especially since HE is the one who was in the wrong (walking into a dark house where he wasn't supposed to be knowing full well that you were there with your BF) that I would consider getting him some therapy. You are a grown woman living her life while still giving her kids the best she can. I am furious at your son for the inappropriateness of his reaction and the fact that he stepped all over your personal boundaries. So not ok.


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Old 03-19-2012, 10:01 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Mom31 View Post

You need to explain to him that you aside from being his mother are also a human being and a sexual human being at that. You are the adult of the house and his behavior was not appropriate- at all.

You need to set some clear boundaries and expectations. 

Tell him you know this is uncomfortable.


This. I hope things are less awkward soon.
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Old 03-21-2012, 04:34 AM
 
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He probably overreacted but I can kind of understand how he might be standoffish.  He hasn't had to share the attention of his mother in a long time and he probably feels a little threatened.  I don't have any good advice, but that's what it sounds like to me.


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Old 04-02-2012, 05:51 AM
 
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I agree with the other posters, while I can see why he was upset/embarrassed his behaviour was wholly innappropriate!

You are a grown woman who has been single for 5 years, even if you regular had casual sex with men you were dating that's ok, your an adult and your son needs to accept that and not interfer.

He should be happy that your are on the way to seeking a fulfilling relationship.

I can tell you are embarrassed and upset for your son but his behaviour was wrong and I think he needs to know that
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Old 04-17-2012, 02:18 AM
 
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I can see why he would feel it was "gross"  - most kids think it is "gross" to even imagine that parents - or any other adults for that matter - have sex. Well welcome to the real world.. You did nothing wrong. You are an adult - you decide when to have sex and with who. Even IF he was at home I don't see how it would be wrong of you to have sex with your boyfriend - in your own freakin bedroom. I think you should simply tell him that you are sorry - not for having sex but for him having such a hard time with this little accidental discovery that adults actually have sex - even mothers, but that you did nothing wrong. He is the one acting inappropriately - even if his reaction is somewhat understandable. Please don't act like you are ashamed. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Please stick to your guns on this. You are a woman- not just a mother. But of course he can only truely know and understand that if you actually believe in your own right to be a woman as well as a mother.


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Old 05-01-2012, 03:40 PM
 
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Learn to lock your door.

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Old 05-01-2012, 03:49 PM
 
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Learn to lock your door.

I think she meant he came in the house and heard it.  It seems like she's saying he just yelled.

 

I bet he won't just show up without calling anymore.  

 

Anyway, my friend's son was 20, and was supposed to be away for a few days, and walked in on them in the kitchen.  (awkward)  He got over it and learned to call first.

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Old 05-01-2012, 04:02 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Mom31 View Post

You need to explain to him that you aside from being his mother are also a human being and a sexual human being at that. You are the adult of the house and his behavior was not appropriate- at all.

You need to set some clear boundaries and expectations. 

Tell him you know this is uncomfortable.

I agree with Mom31.

 

I would add that, as a teenager, he likely believes that the world revolves around him.  You having a life apart from him, and being a sexual being and not just "mom" is a foreign, frightening, and (probably) gross/akward concept. 

 

The idea that he feels the world revolves around him isn't intended to be judgmental, just sort of pointing out that this is generally how teenagers view the world whether one would admit to it or not.  It is annoying but developmentaly appropraite, like toddlers and temper tantrums.


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Old 12-11-2013, 07:17 PM
 
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Why was he there? He was supposed to be at his dad's, so why did he go to your house? If he hasn't told you yet- is it possible that something happened to upset him and make him feel like he wasn't welcome at his dad's house, then getting "home" and facing that caused him to overreact and take out his feelings on you? (if this is the case- he was already hurt and having to face your relationship with another man in such a way may make him feel like he's losing you, causing the strong reaction)  Unless he's prone to overreactions like this, that seems very possible. The shout wasn't appropriate, but teens do tend to be overdramatic, but that he's since refused to talk to you seems extreme.


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