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#1 of 17 Old 04-03-2012, 10:15 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Hi everyone,

Background: ex and I split up dec just gone because he was having an affair with his teenage barmaid. The only mutual friend we have is my friend, I'll call her Jane, and her stbh John. John is ex'a best friend and works at his pub (and in all likelyhood knew about his affair all along) Jane was very upset when she found out what was going on and totally on my side (she hasn't spoken to ex since)

So Jane and John were a couple that we have hung out with all through out relationship- they are the same age, have same age children (to whom we are god parents). They announced that they were getting married around the same time that ex and I split.

There wedding is on what would have been ex and I's 10th anniversary. Also the wedding will be the first time I will have to face all ex's friends (the majority of which knew about the affair all along)

I have already told Jane that I will be going to the wedding with the kids.

Today I got this from her: Hi, don't forget that the wedding is 7.30 saturday 14th april. You are both welcome to come or not its up to you, but you both can't put your arguments to one side even for one hour to see us get married that it proves that 10 years of good friendship means fuck all to you. Sorry to sound like a selfish bitch but that's how I feel x

I'm really upset by this... I am dreading the wedding and would love to not go but have never suggested that I wasn't going to go

Any thoughts?
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#2 of 17 Old 04-03-2012, 11:18 AM
 
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I wonder if your ex has said something?

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#3 of 17 Old 04-03-2012, 01:08 PM
 
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I'd write back and say that if she thinks it's ok to talk to you like that after you already said that you and the kids were coming then maybe 10 yrs means fuck all to her. 

 

ok, I wouldn't actually 'cause I hate confrontation but where does she get off talking that way to you?


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#4 of 17 Old 04-03-2012, 02:16 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Ikr?

I sent her something like "I've already said that me and the kids are coming. I'm really upset by that message" she didn't reply for a couple of hours then sent: "Oh I didn't mean to upset you but just feel like the wedding is gonna be crappy and awkward, I know its not your fault, sorry x"

I get that it is awkward for her but for god sake! I didn't choose for this to happen... It's not my fault my ex decided to shit on his own doorstep!!!

I was upset but to be honest I'm really mad now she's supposed to be my friend and she knows everything I've been through!

I didn't reply to her apology
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#5 of 17 Old 04-03-2012, 03:16 PM
 
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It's probably just some bridezilla crap going on. I was crazy and did not articulate well at all for the entire month before I got married. I cant believe some people even came to my wedding, because in hindsight I was pretty rude. I think she probably got herself worked up talking about it with someone about all the awkward things that would be going on at her wedding and then just sent that message. She apologized, so I would just call her and ask if everything is okay with the two of you. If she says yes, Id ask what all else was going on that was making her so upset. Is ex bringing teenage barmaid to the wedding?

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#6 of 17 Old 04-03-2012, 03:30 PM - Thread Starter
 
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No! Initially ex wasnt invited (originally he was supposed to be bestman) but he is invited now but I dont think he would even think of taking her...it would be totally disrepectful to add that dimension of awkwardness to the wedding!

 

The wedding is split, the ceremony is sat eve and the reception in sunday daytime. I discussed it with my friend and said that I would go to the ceremony with the girls but not the recpetion. She was fine with that when we discussed it.

 

I'm just going to let it go now, its not a big deal and the timing of our split is really bad from her point of view

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#7 of 17 Old 04-04-2012, 08:37 AM
 
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Kirsty,  I can see why you were bothered by her email.  If it's an isolated incident and not characteristic of your relationship with her, then you are being a gracious friend by letting it go. 


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#8 of 17 Old 04-05-2012, 12:45 AM
 
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It's good that you told her that her message upset you.  She said a very thoughtless thing, and being ***!!!***TEH BRIDE!!!!!!!!!11!!!!!!!  is no excuse for talking to a friend that way.  If she and her fiance are going to worry about anything in this situation, they *should* be worried about the people invited there who, as you say, knew all about the affair and said nothing.  They SHOULD be embarassed and ashamed on those people's behalf. 

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#9 of 17 Old 04-05-2012, 11:25 AM
 
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This sounds very much as though someone else has suggested to your friend that you are considering skipping her wedding, because of the various associations with your ex.  Your friend should not have let her feelings get hurt/gotten in a snit about it, without confirming directly with you what she heard.  But in her defense, if her wedding is April 14th, she's likely extremely busy and emotional.  And given that her wedding day is your anniversary, that her fiance works with your ex, that others at the wedding are your ex's friends, etc. it would be very easy for your friend to believe it, if someone else told her, "Kirsty said she can't bear to come to your wedding, knowing Jerk-Face will probably be there!"  

 

In fact, the most likely person to have passed along this implication is Jerk-Face himself, who may have said something to your friend's fiance, at work, like, "Man, I really want to come to your wedding.  But I'm not making any promises.  I don't know if I can do it, if Kirsty's going to be there.  Then again, if I know Kirsty, she probably doesn't want to go, either, since most of the people there are more my friends than hers."  Your friend's fiance may have gone home to her and said, "Great.  Now it looks like Kirsty AND Jerk-Face might BOTH skip our wedding.  Their whole break-up couldn't come at a worse time."  From that, your friend may have jumped to the conclusion that her fiance heard from both of you, about this.  She may have addressed a thoughtless, fed-up text message to both of you, before her fiance explained that he had only spoken with your ex and had no idea what you actually think.  If that ever got explained to her.

 

At this point, if you don't go, you will confirm your friend's (however unfounded) suspicion:  that your conflict with your ex matters more to you than the most important day of her life.  No matter how you might try to explain it to her later, the bottom line would be that you didn't show up.  

 

If you go, then later - the first time you see her after her honeymoon - you can mention that it hurt, to get that angry message from her and you didn't understand why she would think you'd skip her wedding?  Then she can tell you whatever it is that led to the message - but while you guys hash out the misunderstanding, there won't be underlying resentment because you skipped her wedding.  That is, after all, a bigger, more once-in-a-lifetime event than a single rude, impulsive text message.  I'd suggest going ahead and telling her how you feel now, except truly, she has enough on her plate for the next two weeks.  You should bite your tongue and simply text back, "Of course I'll be there.  Silly, to think I'd miss it!"

 

Ack!  Didn't read all the other response, before I wrote the above.  I think the way you handled it is just fine.  Try not to judge a friendship by the way a bride behaves in the weeks before her wedding.


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#10 of 17 Old 04-05-2012, 12:06 PM
 
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If it is still bothering you after the wedding, I agree with Jeannine that a civil, post-wedding conversation might be a really good thing. Like Adaline'sMama I was pretty rude in the weeks leading up to my wedding and did some things that, in hindsight, I really regretted. I had one friend that took offense and things were awkward for a while and even though I apologized up one side and down the other, my friend didn't really discuss it much with me. Another friend said, "if it had been me you did that to, I would have talked to you about it after the wedding and we could have cleared it up." I do think that would have helped. But if you're able to let it go now, good for you! I find it hard to let things roll off my back, and I would definitely want to ask her after the wedding why she said those things and clear the air. 


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#11 of 17 Old 04-05-2012, 12:48 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for the replies everyone. My friend text me again this morning with another apology and I call her right away so that it wasn't awkward. It's all forgotten now smile.gif

I tell you what though I am DREADING this wedding :'(
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#12 of 17 Old 04-05-2012, 12:57 PM
 
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Yay! Glad it got cleared up. Good luck at the wedding--I'm sorry you have to go! 


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#13 of 17 Old 04-05-2012, 01:17 PM
 
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hmmm...if I were "Jane", I'd probably be in a bit of a state, to be honest. The fact that her wedding is on your anniversary has to be bringing up a lot of...stuff. And, honestly, if I found out that the man I was going to marry had known about an affair that his friend was having, especially if said husband-to-be also knew the wife of the cheater, I'd probably be a bit mixed up inside. While I know (and even understand, in many ways) that many people keep their mouths shut about other people's affairs, if I were your friend, I think I'd be wondering if the fact that he kept his mouth shut means he'd also cheat, in the "right" circumstances. Add the possible "this date isn't a good omen" effect....yeah - she's probably pretty wound up. (And, maybe I'm projecting, and I'm the only one who would even think of this stuff.)

 


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#14 of 17 Old 04-05-2012, 04:21 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Storm bride, you have totally hit the nail on the head!

When the affair became public Jane reacted really .... Strongly. She sent my ex a really malicious message (I didn't see it) she rang me in tears and hasn't spoken to my ex since. I know that she and her fiancé now have an agreement not to discuss it as it caused so many arguments between them.

They have a history of infidelity in their relationship and to be honest her fiancé is definatly not someone that deserves a woman like her. They have split numerous times over the years.

On the other hand my relationship with my ex was the polar opposite (until recently obviously!) we were always very stable with little or no drama, apart for the people involved when people found out what had happened one of the main reactions was that they thought he was one of the good guys and never would have expected this from him.

I think this will have stirred a lot of personal stuff up for her too greensad.gif

Like I said I've just let it go, to be honest I've been a shitty friend to her since I split from ex. I have had no involvement in her wedding plans and we haven't spent all that much time together since either. I have been focussing on moving on with my life and spending time with friends who have no connection to my relationship with ex.

It's a sad situation all round.



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#15 of 17 Old 09-26-2012, 02:38 AM
 
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OP how did the wedding go? I know this thread is old, but now I am curious.  redface.gif


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#16 of 17 Old 09-26-2012, 03:07 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Hi, weirdly the wedding was cancelled at the last minute (prob about two days before) due to a paperwork issue. The couple are still together and will re-book as soon as they can. I don't have much contact with this friend anymore sadly. Also the ex has fallen out with the bride and has stated that he won't be going to the wedding when it is rescheduled anyway!

It's a shame how wide reaching the effects of a break up are greensad.gif
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#17 of 17 Old 09-27-2012, 12:41 AM
 
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Wow! I am sorry to hear it kinda all went to hell!   hug2.gif


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