Should my 4th be a sperm donor baby? Or mid life crisis? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 6 Old 04-18-2012, 03:32 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hi everyone.

It's been a long time since I was last a regular here. Life has me occupied big time and I don't know if anyone will remember me, but I could use the wise words of all you clever women, so any input or resource you can help with will be greatly appreciated.

 

My story is this. I am a single mother of three children, ages 5, 6 and 8. Approximately 4 years ago I left their father who was verbally abusive and mentally very unstable. It was hard work escaping that relationship, but I think I've done well for me and the kids . They have visitation with their dad every other weekend and every other holiday (roughly) and that seems to be going well. I could write a novel about all of that here, but it's not really relevant for my current situation except I am living alone with my children.

 

After leaving ex, I met a man that I fell head over heels in love with. As in big big love, the kind that you only experience very very rarely. For me at least and I thought for him too. But he left me very abruptly and unexpectedly on our 1 year anniversary, claiming he did so because I want more children and he didn't and he didn't want to waste my time.

I was 32 at the time. I broke after that. Fell into a deep black pit that it took me more than a year to climb out of and though I am pretty determined not to go back down there again, it will be forever part of me, that bottomless pitt of grief and regret. I was a whole person before that. Now I am - well less of one.

 

I met another man after that. Probably too soon after but that is beside the point. I am currently in a relationship with him and he is a really really great guy, honest, decent, intelligent etc. He has stuck by me through my depression, heartbreak and misery and has been there supporting me whenever I had any need at all. He is a reasonable choice by every possible measure but one. My hearts just not really in it. I am sticking around because I don't want to be without him, not because I can't live without him - if that makes any sence?

 

Im 35 years old. I thought eventually after my horrible heartbreak experience I would find myself in a situation where moving in with a man and having more children together would be a real option. But I am starting to doubt I will find myself in such a situation in time to still be fertile, and it's freakin me out.

 

When I met heartbreak-guy I was certain that all would be fantastic. I actually realised something I had never known before. True love is possible. Rare but possible. Then I realised what that COSTS! You will only know if you've been there. And I reckon the chances of experiencing that once again in a lifetime are very very slim indeed and even if I should, the risks associated are too great. Another experience like that would emotionally mutilate me for life and I am not sure I would be able to crawl back out of the pit of depression if I was to take another blow like that.

So I am with sweet, responsible, honest, wonderful and trustworthy guy. And I want more children.

I have wanted a number 4 ever since - well ever since I started making number 2. My boyfriend lives 2 hours from me and for the past two years we have met mostly during our child-free weekends (every other weekend) and holidays, and he wants us to move in together in his town because his children are there and he has visitation 6 days of 14 so he can't move away. But I wont and I have told him so. Right now this relationship is ok, but I wont plan on us being together long term. I want a baby while I can still have one and he knows this. He also knows that I mean business and that I have considered the option of finding a sperm donor and going it alone if that is what it will take to have another child.

 

Now I would very much prefer to have him as the father rather than some unknown sperm sample from a lab. I trust him. He is a thoroughly good person and I know that as a father he is awesome and second to none. But understandably he doesn't really see the greatness of my plan. In other words, if I want to be a single mom, I need to break off with him and ride along into the sunset - alone.

And now I have absolutely no freakin' idea what to do next.

 

I want a baby so bad. It's not just a "right-now" wish. It's something I have known I want for years and years, but now I just see my time slipping away. I am at the crossroads right now. I need to make some kind of decision about what I want out of life, and how far I am willing to go to get it. (deception is out of the question) For the past years I have been maintaining status quo but it just won't do anymore.

 

I could break this relationship off and give dating yet another shot, but like every other woman in her mid thirties I feel like I need to be realistic. I have been in the dating business for almost 20 years now. I am an attractive woman, intelligent, passionate (with the right guy) emotionally mature and stable (except when someone chops up my heart in little pieces) and I can laugh at the guy-jokes.

 

In other words I am a catch, and still this whole love thing has brought me nothing but trouble and grief, and thinking I will magically manage to land the one right guy within the next couple of years - in time for us to make a baby together and start a happy family - is just - well not rational or realistic on any level.

 

So that leaves me with the sperm donor option and a pandoras box of questions like;

How will I manage a baby on top of everything else (I will, it will be hard and I may die trying but it should be doable) Is that really what I want? I mean - I had my hopes up for a love-baby with my one true love, now that is not going to happen. Do I really want an anonymous guy to be the biological father of my baby? What will baby say when he/she grows up? Is it fair? If I want to do it then how much longer do I dare to wait, considering the age-determined declining quality of my eggs? How about my career? Not that I ever really got started but I do have a bachelor and recently started a masters program as well so I am educated at least. How about love if I choose to have a fourth baby on my own? Since I wont be able to ship baby off to dad every once in a while, I will be effectively very hard to date, and how would a future partner feel about a fatherless baby? Everyone will think I am crazy - not that I worried about that before, but it's still a fact.

 

Anyway that is pretty much my situation. I need to make some sort of decision - even if that decision is just putting these plans on hold for a definite amount of time - like a year for instance. But if that is what I do, how should I spend that year? So many questions and choices it's making me dizzy. Any kind of input is welcome. Thanks for reading this far..


Single mom to ds(8), dd(6) and ds(5)
 

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#2 of 6 Old 04-19-2012, 07:12 AM
 
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Hi Seie.

I remember you!  It's nice to see you here again.

 

My advice to you is to live the life you want to live and start right now.

 

If you're not completely into this man -- it's not fair for either one of you to keep hanging on.  I do not personally believe that we only have one true love.  I have had several deeply, intense loves, true loves, throughout my life.  I can see why each one did not last and yes, it was painful.  It took me years to get over them...but now, I'm so happy they were in my life and so happy I've moved on.  When we are open to love, love finds us.  If you keep settling with what you have and it is less than what you want, you keep yourself and him from having the opportunity to find another real love.  It's not fair to either one of you and it keeps you both in pain.

 

If you want a baby, start moving in the direction of having a baby.  Start preparing your life, your body, your finances, figuring out how you can make it work and trust that the best way for you to conceive will present itself at the right time.  You do not need to have the specific plan all in place today and you do not have to make that decision today to start taking action and preparing to welcome another one into your family. 

 

If you free yourself up to love and free up your time and space and make a plan, I have a feeling your baby plan will come to you without so much thought and effort and it will FEEL right and you will be ready.

 

I am wishing you peace and love on this journey!  It's nice to see you here again.

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#3 of 6 Old 04-19-2012, 10:04 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MsChatsAlot View Post

Hi Seie.

I remember you!  It's nice to see you here again.

 

My advice to you is to live the life you want to live and start right now.

 

If you're not completely into this man -- it's not fair for either one of you to keep hanging on.  I do not personally believe that we only have one true love.  I have had several deeply, intense loves, true loves, throughout my life.  I can see why each one did not last and yes, it was painful.  It took me years to get over them...but now, I'm so happy they were in my life and so happy I've moved on.  When we are open to love, love finds us.  If you keep settling with what you have and it is less than what you want, you keep yourself and him from having the opportunity to find another real love.  It's not fair to either one of you and it keeps you both in pain.

 

If you want a baby, start moving in the direction of having a baby.  Start preparing your life, your body, your finances, figuring out how you can make it work and trust that the best way for you to conceive will present itself at the right time.  You do not need to have the specific plan all in place today and you do not have to make that decision today to start taking action and preparing to welcome another one into your family. 

 

If you free yourself up to love and free up your time and space and make a plan, I have a feeling your baby plan will come to you without so much thought and effort and it will FEEL right and you will be ready.

 

I am wishing you peace and love on this journey!  It's nice to see you here again.

 

 

Oh yes, this!!

 

I have no plans or desire to be in another romantic relationship for as long as I live (I broke after BD's abuse during my first trimester), but another baby in a year or so might happen. If it does, it will be a donor situation for sure. I just read something the other day that said the hardest part of being a single parent is also the number one benefit: not having a partner. :)


Moo.

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#4 of 6 Old 04-21-2012, 06:52 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks both of you. Things took a big turn this morning. My boyfriend and I broke up. Im a bit of a mess right now, but it will be ok. It feels like the right decision. And it was mutual which is a first for me. We have been on the same path for two years now, and now we must go our separate ways. 

 

Sorry this post is messy, but somehow I must have sensed that we were approaching the end. We've both known for a while I guess, but now we had "the talk" and it only had one ending that made any sense to either one of us. So it looks like I am once again a single, single mom. 


Dam, I need a hug..


Single mom to ds(8), dd(6) and ds(5)
 

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#5 of 6 Old 04-21-2012, 10:16 AM
 
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hug2.gif

 

I'm sorry about your breakup but I agree that it sounds like it was where things were heading.

 

I can relate a lot to what you wrote in your first post except that I know that there is more love out there for me and that I can have another baby if it's the right thing for me and my family. You are in a space of being resigned to live a life that you don't love and I can't agree with that. You can heal from your hurts if you choose to, you can find an amazing partner if you choose to, and you can have the family you've dreamed of if you choose to. Don't give up and settle for just ok, you deserve so much more.


Robin~ single, work-at-home momma to my WonderBoys
YoungMan (6/00) & LittleBoy (6/04)
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#6 of 6 Old 04-21-2012, 03:19 PM
 
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hug2.gif

I'm so sorry for your break-up. It seems like you knew it wasn't a real love though, so hopefully this will open you up to your destiny... that said, breaking up still hurts and it's no fun at all. Take care of yourself, mama.


Moo.

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