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#31 of 49 Old 08-08-2012, 02:41 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by MichelleZB View Post

 

It's totally fine that you don't want to date him because something doesn't feel right about his relationship with this young girl. The texts probably were a little inappropriate. I wish you luck in your friendship with him, and possibly in a future romance with someone else.

 

But... it's a huge leap to not trusting him not to sexually harm your child. Isn't your child a toddler? Pedophilia is just... a really serious thing to accuse someone of, and it's also a really specific kink. As I said before, pedophiles are attracted to children who have yet to go through puberty. Like, children. I mean, I don't know him and I didn't talk to him, but unless he went on and on about how hot this girl was as a 7-year-old, I'll have to say that the fear he just might diddle your TODDLER seems a bit misquided.

I definitely feel happy and at peace with my decision with zero regrets. Honestly, I don't know if the texts were innocent or inappropriate... I never saw the them and I'm certainly not suggesting that they were or that they weren't. I simply don't know. Thanks for your well wishes. :) 

 

I agree...it is a big leap to even suggest that he may be a pedophile. With that said, I usually have a pretty good intuition about people's character, usually, and even when we were only friends, something just felt off about him. Until I learned about the text messages to the younger girl, I never had any evidence that caused me to feel the way I did, but when that occurred, I immediately decided it wasn't a risk I was willing to take. Truly, I don't think pedophiles go on and on to anyone about their attraction to someone much younger. If anything, I think the inner struggle and perversion is more often than not a secret and even hidden...sometimes for years. Therefore, because I think it's something that could be easily kept a secret and my gut was telling me something wasn't right, I think I did what was safe for myself and my child. Ultimately, I may never know if my intuition was right or wrong, but I'm okay with that.

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#32 of 49 Old 08-08-2012, 02:50 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Yeah as a victim of sexual abuse as a child i TOTALLY disagree with you.  Not every child abuser is a "true" paedophile, and toddlers grow up into teenagers.  She didn't accuse him of anything, she just trusted her gut when it told her something is wrong with this picture.  That is the right thing to do.  I wish to god my parents had done that, rather than telling me, 20 years later "oh we WONDERED about him!". Cold, cold comfort.

Although I didn't experience sexual abuse as a child, I did experience it as an adult in a relationship. I later learned that my mom never had a good feeling about this person that I dated, nor did my siblings, OR friends. The problem is no one told me their thoughts until I had experienced the abuse-both physically, sexually, and emotionally. I was heartbroken in about every sense of the word and its definition because I had asked for thoughts and opinions and everyone just seemed okay with him. No one ever mentioned their concerns until the damage was done and I was trying to safely leave the relationship. 

 

I could not more wholly echo that when they told me their opinions about how they didn't think he was the good guy they acted like they thought he was; it was just as you described, a cold comfort. :-/

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#33 of 49 Old 08-08-2012, 02:52 PM - Thread Starter
 
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You are way off base and the toddler won't be little forever.

So true. And that's what I thought about. Really, it can happen at any age. 

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#34 of 49 Old 08-11-2012, 01:03 PM
 
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Well, kudos to you mom for trusting your instincts! So many women don't.


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#35 of 49 Old 10-02-2012, 12:20 PM
 
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I was recently 'asked out' by a man I have known for many years as an acquaintance. This was my second date in over two years of 'singledom'. My first date experience about 4 months ago seemed pleasant enough at the time and left me feeling very flattered - there was nothing intimate, just dinner. But I was NOT physically attracted to date number one AT ALL and couldn't get past it. Just as well, I say. Now I've had date number two with this acquaintance of mine, and we're in touch daily through text messages (1 or 2 /day).

I'm beginning to feel conflicted: I would like to have a healthy relationship with a man after my disasterous relationship with my ex, but at the same time I think I may not be capable of it! I would like this person to be in touch more often, I want to feel wanted, I want to feel missed....but this guy is sooo patient, and laid back, calm....maybe he's not that into me?

It's like I need a course in dating 101 or something!

Basically what I'm trying to say in this muddle of thoughts: I am conflicted between needing/wanting to learn how to develop a healthy relationship with a man at a healthy pace, and my personal desire to do things in a much more passional and spontaneous way, and having more frequent communication throughout the day. Maybe since I can't really do that without scaring this guy off means it isn't meant to be?
 

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#36 of 49 Old 10-02-2012, 01:24 PM
 
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Originally Posted by anon_abroad View Post

Basically what I'm trying to say in this muddle of thoughts: I am conflicted between needing/wanting to learn how to develop a healthy relationship with a man at a healthy pace, and my personal desire to do things in a much more passional and spontaneous way, and having more frequent communication throughout the day. Maybe since I can't really do that without scaring this guy off means it isn't meant to be?
 

 

Do you mean that you have done that and it's scared him off or you THINK he'll be scared off?? I am all about speaking your mind and being clear about what you need in a relationship. And, yes, if that scares someone off, then you've done your job well by getting rid of someone who's wrong for you =)  BUT, I can also say that being really straight with guys in the past has resulted in some really amazing relationships for me, which totally makes up for the crappy guys who've disappeared!


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YoungMan (6/00) & LittleBoy (6/04)
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#37 of 49 Old 10-02-2012, 01:43 PM
 
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No, I haven't done it, to avoid the possibility of scaring him off, which may happen regardless. I can see his texts are sort of gradually less 'sweet'.

I know that his last 'relationship' ended quikcly because the girl was too needy.

Not that I want to avoid to per se, I may very well be a needy type, but I get the feeling that he's keeping it very non-commital.

What I don't know is that if this is healthy or standoffish, as i have NO gauge of what's good/healthy/normal.
 

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#38 of 49 Old 10-02-2012, 03:29 PM
 
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Anon - I may be mis-reading this but it was 2 dates in 4 months? If so, he is not into you if he can wait that long.

 

I have found that what a guy calls "neediness" what usually just that the ex had standards, boundaries, and other things that are good for healthy relationships. I wouldn't be afraid to share your expectations and if he steps up to court you know he's not it. I understand guy may be getting to know you after the first few dates but after that they should know they are into you and want to explore something if they really want a relationship. Otherwise they will may exit plans, go hot/cold, etc. because they are not emotionally available for a relationship.

 

I actually don't want to demonize him, but calling an ex too needy and the fear it's instilling in you not to want to appear needy to keep him around is at least a yellow flag; possibly a red flag.

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#39 of 49 Old 10-02-2012, 09:03 PM
 
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Anon - I may be mis-reading this but it was 2 dates in 4 months? If so, he is not into you if he can wait that long.

Yeah I wasn't clear: date 1 was with another guy months ago. Date 2 was just last weekend with this 'new' guy. I wanted to provide my dating history, or lack thereof! orngtongue.gif

 

I will keep the 'yellow' flag in mind. I agree, men often see normal expectations as 'neediness' (or in my XH's opinion, me being a total nag).

 

Thanks for your input!

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#40 of 49 Old 10-04-2012, 06:15 AM
 
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I've decided to follow my own personal expectations and give up on this guy. If I want attention from a guy then that's what I want, no excuses/explanations needed, no following "rules". I'm not happy with a text or two /day, I'm worth more than that!

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#41 of 49 Old 10-05-2012, 05:32 AM
 
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Hmmm.  Maybe I am just old, but I can remember relationships before texting.  There was no expectation of hearing from someone throughout the day, maybe just a phone call at night if you didn't have plans.  I'm wondering how the technology has influenced our expectations, and whether it fuels co-dependent tendencies in us.  I'm not saying that anon_abroad shouldn't dump the guy who is not actively pursuing her....I'm just wondering, in an abstract sense, about how this technology influences potential partner interactions. 
 

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#42 of 49 Old 10-05-2012, 05:52 AM
 
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Provocativa's definitely got a point, I'm old enough to remember pre-cell phone days too! :-) It's something to take into consideration, that's for sure.

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#43 of 49 Old 10-07-2012, 03:04 PM
 
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Others might not agree with me, as some people think it's just playing games, but I recommend a book like "Why Men Marry B****es" by Sherry Argov. Particularly, if you think you might be needy. I think women do themselves a disservice putting the ball in a guy's court and overthinking whether or not he might be interested and what this or that means. Date and have fun, value yourself, and figure out whether or not you really like HIM vs the attention.


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#44 of 49 Old 10-08-2012, 12:17 AM
 
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and figure out whether or not you really like HIM vs the attention.

Words for thought! May be the case here.

I don't quite understand what the book "Why Men Marry B****es" by Sherry Argov talks about, can you explain more?
 

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#45 of 49 Old 10-31-2012, 12:32 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hmmm.  Maybe I am just old, but I can remember relationships before texting.  There was no expectation of hearing from someone throughout the day, maybe just a phone call at night if you didn't have plans.  I'm wondering how the technology has influenced our expectations, and whether it fuels co-dependent tendencies in us.  I'm not saying that anon_abroad shouldn't dump the guy who is not actively pursuing her....I'm just wondering, in an abstract sense, about how this technology influences potential partner interactions. 
 

This a good point. While I remember the days before cell phones, all of my relationships occurred with the use of cell phones and even text messages. Crazy to think about, really. It's definitely not my preferred way of communicating with a guy I'm getting to know. I think a lot of things can be lost in translation/lack of tone and therefore are not at all the most efficient way to pursue a woman. For all a woman knows, the guy could be texting several women! Not to categorize them all in that manner, but it's true. I think authentic pursuit outside or in addition to texting is far more intentional and quality than texting. Of course, it feels good to know he's thinking of you and he should find ways of showing you that. However, I'd much prefer something cliche, like flowers specially delivered or a hand written note send my way or even an email that's personal. I rarely get emails like that or even mail. 

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#46 of 49 Old 11-01-2012, 01:59 PM
 
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Anon - I really like the website baggagereclaim.co.uk

 

It's taught me so much about what healthy relationships look like and there are tons (literally hundreds) of free articles. She has a few books too but the articles are really helpful themselves.

 

What I've pieced together is if a guys just texts without anything else (such as calls, plans, etc.) to get to know you better, he's just looking for attention, sex, or some causal.

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#47 of 49 Old 11-01-2012, 02:13 PM
 
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I'll definitely have a look at the website, i need all the advice I can get about healthy relationships.

It's great insight to know that if a guy just texts without anything else he's only into attention,sex, casual whatever...I SO lack intution like that. I am a terrible judge of character.

The guy I mentioned in my last post in this thread, who I went on 4 dates with and who I felt was not getting in touch often enough, did text 1 / day, always replied to texts, and also made plans to see me, but...in the end....I wasn't into him :-(

It's all part of learning, right?

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#48 of 49 Old 11-01-2012, 03:07 PM
 
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Hope you like the site.

 

In my experience if a guy can only text you they are either wanting something casual or are not emotionally available. The guys who have really wanted to get to know me made plans with me and called me to actually talk to me.

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#49 of 49 Old 11-21-2012, 06:04 PM
 
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This is all very interesting. I am dating a man, the first after the loss of my husband, and am finding it difficult to find a balance. The kids haven't met him yet, but will soon, and I'm terrified to mingle the two parts of my life. Relationships are scary business....but also exciting. He's a great guy and I'm totally into him but I still have my reservations. It just feels weird. 


There are three things I learned about life. It goes on. -Longfellow

 

stillheart.gifRIP DH DJ Delicious but mucho gracias for our children and all I have learnedstillheart.gif

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