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jewel1288 05-08-2012 01:34 PM

As a single mom, how did you re-enter a relationship? I'm not looking to date around, but rather to enter a relationship. A friend of mine and I have talked about dating, but since my last relationship ended very badly and wasn't healthy by any definition, I'm really hesitant. My friend has been incredibly supportive and understanding, he isn't pushy or frustrated when our plans fall through or I slink back with fear of being hurt again... so I feel pretty comfortable. Another aspect I'm torn about is that we live a few hours apart, so socially our circles are different and it takes a little more effort to spend time together. 

 

So far, our time together has been good, but I feel kind of lost about how to even begin a relationship because I'm a mom. It's just so different to date someone while I'm breastfeeding and changing diapers all the time. I feel more like a mom than someone who can be in a budding relationship. It feels silly to say because if you're married, then of course, it's different and you manage to balance the two roles, but that isn't something I've ever done so it's overwhelming and intimidating for me. 

 

Suggestions, advice, or just encouragement would be appreciated. :) TIA


NewMom0208 05-08-2012 04:42 PM

Hi Tia!

I'm not in a relationship, but I have been in two short ones after my divorce and I have learned a couple of things.

I'm with you, I don't enjoy dating for the sake of dating, I tried it. Not my thing.
I go on dates with guys who are good potential for a relationship. I am clear from the beginning and it turns out, many guys do feel the same way. I have male friends in the same situation too.

My marriage was not a good relationship. I had to set my ego aside and really look at what I learned, besides whatever he did that was so wrong (cheating, emotional abuse, and the like)
Maybe you have already did this things, just mentioning them because I think they are so important to be the woman who will attract the right relationship:

I discover what I did wrong, to the marriage and to myself
I worked to dissolve any feelings of victimhood. What happened happened, I was there, Noam what will I do?
I made a commitment to work on my self esteem, self love and self confidence. I discovered I needed specific exercises or specific instructions, looking at myself at the mirror and saying "I love you" was not nearly enough
I worked to forgive myself for my mistakes and for allowing what I allowed
I committed to love again " as if I was never hurt before"

About being a mom, you don't have two roles, you have many.
I did loss myself into being a mom, but I have worked hard to discover me, outside of that. As an adult, a woman, a professional, a friend, an artist, a mother, .... Etc.
I remember putting my son on the baby carrier, on my back. Just so that I could feel like a regular adult for a sec or two . Baby times are very intense. And baby always go first. But why would that stop you or why do you feel silly on dating while you are a mommy. I am sure he values what you do! It enhances you! But it is not all you are.

True, you will not share with him the same duties as you would with the father. He is not dad, he is, or would be mom's boyfriend:)

All the best momma!

PiperLime 05-17-2012 11:05 AM

lurk.gif This is great; I have the same question!


Marjane 05-20-2012 03:22 PM

I totally understand, and the first couple of years I only felt like a mother, and when I entered a relationship it felt strange at first, but i got used to it in no time. My fiancè was also a close friend before we started dating, and he already had a relationship with my daughter, but in the beginning we didn`t tell her about us dating. That, and the fact that he lives really far away from us put the brakes on the relationship a little, letting us just date. (my parents always rush me to move faster when me and my sister meet someone, so having an excuse to take it slow was nice) And this has been very good, I think. We get to know both good and bad about each other, and we still like each other :) I have never been in an abusive relationship, but I have abandonment issues that makes trusting someone really hard, and we have had times when that has been a problem for us, but what is helping is taking it slowly. I see you don`t like dating, and I don`t either, but just letting him be my boyfriend and build that part of the relationship first is key for me.

 

Also, choosing a friend to be with is a good thing in my opinion. That normally means that it is someone you like as a person, not just because you have fallen for him. Hope you find the right solution for you :)
 


thefragile7393 05-21-2012 09:37 PM

Not much advice either. I am another who does not like dating around..I want a potential for a real relationship. I quickly found out that many guys are out for sex only and just want casual relationships. I was also in an unhealthy abusive relationship previously. I stopped trying to meet someone and worked on myself....and now I feel even more confident to begin a relationship. Unfortunately I can't seem to find anything worth dating now lol

Sent from my Kindle Fire using Tapatalk 2

MsChatsAlot 05-22-2012 09:15 AM

I always took time between relationships - especially ones that didn't end so well - to really look at what I did and how I contributed to the mess!  Whatever we don't clean up in ourselves from our past relationships often finds its way into our new ones, so I liked to take the time to learn and grow and evaluate before jumping back into the water.  It's not to say there won't be issues in a relationship, but it's good to progress instead of dealing with the same crap but in a different way.

 

When you are truly ready and the right person is there, you will find a way to make it all work.  Things are different 'dating' and being in a relationship when we are a mom -- but I found it was less of an issue than I had thought it would be.  When it is working and it feels good -- it's quite easy to find the time and energy to balance it all.

 

Relationships come out of dating -- spending time with someone, getting to know them.  A relationship just sort of evolves.  Be present and follow where it leads you.


anon_abroad 05-22-2012 02:50 PM

Ok, more on just 'dating' terms and not yet 'relationship' terms: what do you mamas think of dating someone who is VERY different from the kind of guy they've ever been involved with so far? I have been asked out by a guy who is VERY different from ANY previous man I have ever been involved with. For one thing he really seems to be more of a MAN than a GUY (I don't know if this actually means anything to you, but it really makes a difference to me). I didn't/don't feel an instant attraction to him, which is something I have always based involvement on in the past, but he's polite, kind, fun, objectively handsome (but not the type of handsome I have gone for as of yet), very manly and emotionally mature, made the first move (which I appreciated, being a separated mother of two for two years and he is the first to know all about my situation and still wants to get to know me), seemingly grounded and together, has a career, is great with kids...no previous marriage or kids....but I didn't feel the 'spark'. I do like his attention, and once he touched my side and I it gave me butterflies, but I think I'm more flattered and starving for affection than anything.

Anyway, good or bad idea to date someone who you didn't feel instant chemistry for and who is also VERY different from ANY past man (given that past in ex-hubby) but is objectively an awesome person?

Input please!!! Have dodged my way out of date #1, I really don't know what to do if the occasion presents itself again.


MsChatsAlot 05-23-2012 03:40 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by anon_abroad View Post

Ok, more on just 'dating' terms and not yet 'relationship' terms: what do you mamas think of dating someone who is VERY different from the kind of guy they've ever been involved with so far? I have been asked out by a guy who is VERY different from ANY previous man I have ever been involved with.

 

Anyway, good or bad idea to date someone who you didn't feel instant chemistry for and who is also VERY different from ANY past man (given that past in ex-hubby) but is objectively an awesome person?

Input please!!! Have dodged my way out of date #1, I really don't know what to do if the occasion presents itself again.

I think it's great to date someone different!   As individuals we grow and change and evolve -- so perhaps this man is more what you are looking for right now than what you've dated in the past.

 

As for the chemistry -- I wouldn't worry about it too much right away.  I know that people really 'grow' on me.  Often, I become far more attracted to someone after I get to know them -- and I have also been turned off someone after getting to know them better too.  You won't know if you don't give it a try.  The whole point of dating is to get to know someone and see if they 'fit' you or not.  How will you know if you don't give it a chance?

Have fun.  Even if he's not someone you end up dating more -- it can be a good experience putting yourself out there, getting to know another person and stretching yourself a bit!  Enjoy!!!


anon_abroad 05-23-2012 11:17 PM

Ok I'll take the advice if there is another chance! winky.gif
 


anon_abroad 05-27-2012 09:46 AM

There WAS another chance to see this guy, which made me really happy! My impressions/feelings are still the same, but as I said, I am going to get to know him better...maybe the being SO different from anything in my past is also what intrigues me about the whole thing. I feel like I'm learning and having a healthier approach to my life.
 


MsChatsAlot 05-30-2012 08:59 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by anon_abroad View Post

There WAS another chance to see this guy, which made me really happy! My impressions/feelings are still the same, but as I said, I am going to get to know him better...maybe the being SO different from anything in my past is also what intrigues me about the whole thing. I feel like I'm learning and having a healthier approach to my life.
 

That's great!  I especially like the bolded part!!!  That's all that matters!!! 


anon_abroad 05-31-2012 01:16 AM

Will keep you posted, am supposed to see him this weekend...so I will see what my 'gut' tells me.

But it's the first time in my whole life that someone has spent time with me, like 3 or 4 times, to get to know me before anything romantic starts...although I know that he's interested because he calls and texts me and keeps in touch... and held my hand once! :-)

Previously (ALL pre-ex, so 12-13 years ago) I have always been very irrational and jump into things head over heels...I guess this time because he's so much more mature than anyone I've ever been invloved with, actaully a bit of a gentleman, and now that I have children, I can actually take it slow and do things in a ...normal way? Although I'm afraid that what's really letting me take it slow is that he's physically not 'my type'. Superficial of me?
 


anon_abroad 06-02-2012 05:36 PM

OK, JUST got back from date! My first date in 14 years woo hoo!!! Almost impossible to believe! So anyone who wonders if a single mum with children can't get a date...I'm living proof it can happen in the most arduous of situations smile.gif I have a horrible ex who is still very present in our lives, I live out in the country and work from home so chances of meeting people is like zero, had lost all hope of even speaking to someone of the opposite sex...and yet...after 2 years of singledom I got asked out by a very awesome guy!!! TOTALLY worth going out with him even though I didn't feel the spark of physical attraction (on my end), because truth be told (and contrary to all my past beliefs and experience)...I can feel myself getting more attracted to him! Such a gentleman, genuinely nice guy, I can't believe the horribleness I'd been putting up with for the last 14 years. At least spending an evening with this guy has reminded me that there is someone out there who would like to treat me nicely and that I deserve it.

I'm just feeling very happy at the moment.

Hugs mamas!
 


zoeyzoo 06-11-2012 12:36 PM

That's great Anon!

 

To the OP... I think that sounds great! My only reservation to bring up is that you live a few hours from each other. At some point you will probably both want to live in the same place assuming it works out. Is that something you can do? Can one of you move at some point? With kids, careers, etc. sometimes that won't work and it's better to think about it up front than after you are heart broken. You also will not see them on a day to day basis... not sure how long you have known each other and how. Frequent interaction can be important to really learn what someone is like so that you're not building up a fantasy.


jewel1288 06-11-2012 03:59 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by NewMom0208 View Post

Hi Tia!
I'm not in a relationship, but I have been in two short ones after my divorce and I have learned a couple of things.
I'm with you, I don't enjoy dating for the sake of dating, I tried it. Not my thing.
I go on dates with guys who are good potential for a relationship. I am clear from the beginning and it turns out, many guys do feel the same way. I have male friends in the same situation too.
My marriage was not a good relationship. I had to set my ego aside and really look at what I learned, besides whatever he did that was so wrong (cheating, emotional abuse, and the like)
Maybe you have already did this things, just mentioning them because I think they are so important to be the woman who will attract the right relationship:
I discover what I did wrong, to the marriage and to myself
I worked to dissolve any feelings of victimhood. What happened happened, I was there, Noam what will I do?
I made a commitment to work on my self esteem, self love and self confidence. I discovered I needed specific exercises or specific instructions, looking at myself at the mirror and saying "I love you" was not nearly enough
I worked to forgive myself for my mistakes and for allowing what I allowed
I committed to love again " as if I was never hurt before"
About being a mom, you don't have two roles, you have many.
I did loss myself into being a mom, but I have worked hard to discover me, outside of that. As an adult, a woman, a professional, a friend, an artist, a mother, .... Etc.
I remember putting my son on the baby carrier, on my back. Just so that I could feel like a regular adult for a sec or two . Baby times are very intense. And baby always go first. But why would that stop you or why do you feel silly on dating while you are a mommy. I am sure he values what you do! It enhances you! But it is not all you are.
True, you will not share with him the same duties as you would with the father. He is not dad, he is, or would be mom's boyfriend:)
All the best momma!

I agree that identifying aspects of the past relationship that were unhealthy is necessary to avoid them in future relationships. I definitely feel I've done that well. 

 

Currently, I'm working through getting out of being "lost" in motherhood. Ugh... that sounds so strange to say, but I think it can happen easily whether a woman is married or not. 

Thanks for your thoughts. :)


jewel1288 06-11-2012 04:03 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by ZoeyZoo View Post

That's great Anon!

 

To the OP... I think that sounds great! My only reservation to bring up is that you live a few hours from each other. At some point you will probably both want to live in the same place assuming it works out. Is that something you can do? Can one of you move at some point? With kids, careers, etc. sometimes that won't work and it's better to think about it up front than after you are heart broken. You also will not see them on a day to day basis... not sure how long you have known each other and how. Frequent interaction can be important to really learn what someone is like so that you're not building up a fantasy.

Yes, we have talked about the need for one of us to move (eventually, if we date), but we're both comfortable with relocating, so that's not an area of disagreement. I'm just concerned about making the transition and then the "what if..." of it not working out. I suppose that's a risk you take, though. We have known one another for a couple years, but always long distance. And that's what I keep going back to--the distance and that I've never known him in the same town. I think it's really difficult to see and know a person as whole when you don't see them on a regular basis with their friends and/or family. I'm not sure how to overcome that set back, other than moving and I don't know that moving to learn those things is something I can commit to or ask him to do. 


jewel1288 06-11-2012 04:13 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by anon_abroad View Post

Ok, more on just 'dating' terms and not yet 'relationship' terms: what do you mamas think of dating someone who is VERY different from the kind of guy they've ever been involved with so far? I have been asked out by a guy who is VERY different from ANY previous man I have ever been involved with. For one thing he really seems to be more of a MAN than a GUY (I don't know if this actually means anything to you, but it really makes a difference to me). I didn't/don't feel an instant attraction to him, which is something I have always based involvement on in the past, but he's polite, kind, fun, objectively handsome (but not the type of handsome I have gone for as of yet), very manly and emotionally mature, made the first move (which I appreciated, being a separated mother of two for two years and he is the first to know all about my situation and still wants to get to know me), seemingly grounded and together, has a career, is great with kids...no previous marriage or kids....but I didn't feel the 'spark'. I do like his attention, and once he touched my side and I it gave me butterflies, but I think I'm more flattered and starving for affection than anything.

Anyway, good or bad idea to date someone who you didn't feel instant chemistry for and who is also VERY different from ANY past man (given that past in ex-hubby) but is objectively an awesome person?

Input please!!! Have dodged my way out of date #1, I really don't know what to do if the occasion presents itself again.

We have a few similarities in our situation surrounding the different kind of guy and the fact that immediate attraction was not present. I see things are going well so far from your posts. A couple things I would consider about him being "VERY different from ANY previous man you have dated" is what kinds of things are different? As for me, I have had a vision of the kind of guy I'd eventually marry and spend my life with and thus far, I haven't dated the guy I envisioned. Now that I'm older and more mature and aware of the aspects that create a healthy and lasting relationship, I'm beginning to let some of those characteristics I imagined would be present go to the wayside. Of course, I'd love for them to be present, but physique is something I'm learning to be less concerned with. Someone else, or maybe it was in one of your posts, is that I tend to warm up to people after our relationship begins to blossom a bit, even if it's just a friendship. I've been burned a lot and I think it's my way of protecting my heart from falling too quickly into a relationship. 

 

I'm glad to see things are going well for you. :) What has been your biggest obstacle in this situation with the new and different guy you're going on dates with?


anon_abroad 06-11-2012 11:13 PM

Well, he's different from past guys in a good way, like he's affectionate, supportive, geniunely kind, LOVES TO COOK AND CLEAN, mature...I've always made very unhealthy choices in men in the past as you can see, if they are the opposite of this redface.gif

BUT I totally don't feel a spark, I only feel friendship towards him, and I can't get past it. It would feel like 'settling'. He's objectively attractive, just not attractive to me greensad.gif

We went on date 1, he asked if he could kiss me and I said no in a nice way, I din't want to hurt hiss feelings, and I have to give him credit. Ever since he has been in touch by texting me everyday. We had arranged date 2 but my ex didn't pick kids up so I had to cancel, but he's still texting me everyday. Now I will see him in a few days at a mutual friend's house, but I'm going to tell him that I don't have romantic feelings for him.

I feel it was good for me at least to interact with a man, I'm only ever around female energy, my children are girls and my friends are all women. And it was good for my confidence, to feel desirable and have someone enjoy my company. But I feel I need the spark, otherwise I can't go forward in a romantic sense.
 


jewel1288 07-12-2012 11:01 PM

I had finally decided I was comfortable beginning a relationship with my friend. I felt like even though the distance was a concern, that I was willing to take the risk. I was nervous, but figured any relationship is a risk. A few days later, before we began dating, he accidentally sent me a text message in another language intended for someone else. I didn't think anything of it. Mostly because some of my friends are fluent in other languages and will sometimes send other fluent friends texts in a different language than English. My friend, whom I had decided to begin a relationship with, and I had plans to meet up later so I showed him the text and asked what it said because I don't speak any second languages. He told me what it meant and that he uses a translator app to communicate with said friend, who also happens to be a young girl...in another country...who is a teenager. Granted, he works in mission work and has known the girl for a while and also said she is the one who asked for his number and that they rarely communicate....I'm still very concerned because when I handed him my phone he deleted the text message without mentioning anything about it. I didn't notice it until later on. I asked him if he deleted it and he said yes, that he figured I didn't need it. I feel quite differently, that it was not his to delete. I also think it raises even more concern because if it was the harmless text me friend claims it to be, then why delete it. Thus far, he's been apologetic and even sent me what he said the text was, but it's not what I remember seeing. If I cared enough about the relationship, I'd ask for a screen shot, not just a copy and paste. 

 

The women in my life agree with me, it's a cause for concern and a red light for a pedophile. 

The men in my life think maybe not because he has known the young girl for years, but to me, that's even more cause for concern. 

 

Anyway, I have no plans to continue communicating with him because it's too big a risk for myself and my son. I'd still love some weigh in of opinions.


chel 07-13-2012 07:07 AM

Wow, I would run. Never would I think to delete a text on someone else's phone. Also no desire to be with someone texting teen girls

tayndrewsmama 07-13-2012 08:38 AM

Uh, I agree with chel 100%.  Run and run fast.  So sorry something like that happened, but I would consider it a blessing in disguise.


MichelleZB 07-14-2012 08:44 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by jewel1288 View Post

I had finally decided I was comfortable beginning a relationship with my friend. I felt like even though the distance was a concern, that I was willing to take the risk. I was nervous, but figured any relationship is a risk. A few days later, before we began dating, he accidentally sent me a text message in another language intended for someone else. I didn't think anything of it. Mostly because some of my friends are fluent in other languages and will sometimes send other fluent friends texts in a different language than English. My friend, whom I had decided to begin a relationship with, and I had plans to meet up later so I showed him the text and asked what it said because I don't speak any second languages. He told me what it meant and that he uses a translator app to communicate with said friend, who also happens to be a young girl...in another country...who is a teenager. Granted, he works in mission work and has known the girl for a while and also said she is the one who asked for his number and that they rarely communicate....I'm still very concerned because when I handed him my phone he deleted the text message without mentioning anything about it. I didn't notice it until later on. I asked him if he deleted it and he said yes, that he figured I didn't need it. I feel quite differently, that it was not his to delete. I also think it raises even more concern because if it was the harmless text me friend claims it to be, then why delete it. Thus far, he's been apologetic and even sent me what he said the text was, but it's not what I remember seeing. If I cared enough about the relationship, I'd ask for a screen shot, not just a copy and paste. 

 

The women in my life agree with me, it's a cause for concern and a red light for a pedophile. 

The men in my life think maybe not because he has known the young girl for years, but to me, that's even more cause for concern. 

 

Anyway, I have no plans to continue communicating with him because it's too big a risk for myself and my son. I'd still love some weigh in of opinions.

 

Okay, this is definite cause to be cautious, but I don't want to run to vilify this man right away. Maybe he really did just think it wasn't a big deal and you didn't need the text, so deleted it, not thinking that would bother you. If he works in mission work, it is possibly legit that he communicates with a lot of people.

 

I bet you're regretting not google translating the text when you got it!

 

I also want to contest what your friend said. This is not a red light for a pedophile. Even if he was sending totally inappropriate sexts to a teenaged girl, being attracted to a teenager is NOT pedophile behaviour. Teenagers are biologically fully adults; pedophiles are attracted to pre-pubescent children. An affair with a teenager may be illegal, but is not sexually deviant.


rocky 07-14-2012 09:07 PM

He is hiding something.  Run.

If he told you the truth about the translation he would not have deleted it. 

So he has something to hide AND lied to you.  Generally speaking people who lie will continue to do so.   Or put another way one lie begets another - they get tangled up in it.  It is also very weird to delete someone's messages.  imposing, weird, icky, creepy.  If you're having a hard time getting away think those words.

Be strong, forget him and move on.   


jewel1288 07-14-2012 11:32 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by chel View Post

Wow, I would run. Never would I think to delete a text on someone else's phone. Also no desire to be with someone texting teen girls.

Exactly! What kind of normal guy texts teen girls? I can't shake the feeling that it's weird. 


GoBecGo 07-15-2012 09:02 AM

To me the feeling that it's weird would be enough.  I mean, i'm a mama bear, i don't need PROOF of wrongdoing to come out in protection of my cubs, just look at me wrong and if my gut believes you're trouble then you're in for it!

 

I totally thing i'd have done what you did, and run for the hills.


jewel1288 07-16-2012 10:03 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by GoBecGo View Post

To me the feeling that it's weird would be enough.  I mean, i'm a mama bear, i don't need PROOF of wrongdoing to come out in protection of my cubs, just look at me wrong and if my gut believes you're trouble then you're in for it!

 

I totally thing i'd have done what you did, and run for the hills.

Right, that's how I feel. I haven't even asked for a screen shot because I don't think I need to know in order to end the idea of a relationship. Nothing is worth the risk of myself or my child!


jewel1288 07-16-2012 10:12 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by MichelleZB View Post

 

Okay, this is definite cause to be cautious, but I don't want to run to vilify this man right away. Maybe he really did just think it wasn't a big deal and you didn't need the text, so deleted it, not thinking that would bother you. If he works in mission work, it is possibly legit that he communicates with a lot of people.

 

I bet you're regretting not google translating the text when you got it!

 

I also want to contest what your friend said. This is not a red light for a pedophile. Even if he was sending totally inappropriate sexts to a teenaged girl, being attracted to a teenager is NOT pedophile behaviour. Teenagers are biologically fully adults; pedophiles are attracted to pre-pubescent children. An affair with a teenager may be illegal, but is not sexually deviant.

We have since talked more about what happened. My friend has been super apologetic, and while I can agree with you that he may have seen it as harmless, I can't move beyond the reasonable doubt that I have. She is the only one he texts from the other country, I asked to confirm. One friend of his knows he texts her, but even still, I just think it's so strange. Upon talking with him about, he already had decided to stop texting her because he said he didn't want it to look bad. 

 

Ha, yes, I do wish I would have googled it first. I wouldn't have a problem asking for a screen shot though, if I saw a future with him. I just don't now. I mean, how can a relationship even exist after such a misstep?! Deleting a text without permission or even asking...it's weird.

 

Having worked with teenagers in my own line of work, I cannot agree that a 15 year old is biologically an adult. Some young girls are more developed physically and emotionally, but not all are. This young girl, whom I have seen a photo, looks quite a bit younger than 15. Additionally, our brains are not fully developed until the age of 25, which my friend and I are both beyond the age of. So that again causes me concern because I think he should be more capable of seeing without my input or anyone else's input, that texting a young so much younger is alarming and doesn't look innocent. 

 

I've moved on from the idea that a relationship will bloom, but we are still chatting a bit. As has been said, I don't want to vilify him immediately. I can't reckon in my mind that he may really be the upstanding guy I thought he was and I don't want to date someone I can't trust isn't going to sexually harm my child or anyone's child.


MichelleZB 07-18-2012 08:27 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by jewel1288 View Post

We have since talked more about what happened. My friend has been super apologetic, and while I can agree with you that he may have seen it as harmless, I can't move beyond the reasonable doubt that I have. She is the only one he texts from the other country, I asked to confirm. One friend of his knows he texts her, but even still, I just think it's so strange. Upon talking with him about, he already had decided to stop texting her because he said he didn't want it to look bad. 

 

Ha, yes, I do wish I would have googled it first. I wouldn't have a problem asking for a screen shot though, if I saw a future with him. I just don't now. I mean, how can a relationship even exist after such a misstep?! Deleting a text without permission or even asking...it's weird.

 

Having worked with teenagers in my own line of work, I cannot agree that a 15 year old is biologically an adult. Some young girls are more developed physically and emotionally, but not all are. This young girl, whom I have seen a photo, looks quite a bit younger than 15. Additionally, our brains are not fully developed until the age of 25, which my friend and I are both beyond the age of. So that again causes me concern because I think he should be more capable of seeing without my input or anyone else's input, that texting a young so much younger is alarming and doesn't look innocent. 

 

I've moved on from the idea that a relationship will bloom, but we are still chatting a bit. As has been said, I don't want to vilify him immediately. I can't reckon in my mind that he may really be the upstanding guy I thought he was and I don't want to date someone I can't trust isn't going to sexually harm my child or anyone's child.

 

It's totally fine that you don't want to date him because something doesn't feel right about his relationship with this young girl. The texts probably were a little inappropriate. I wish you luck in your friendship with him, and possibly in a future romance with someone else.

 

But... it's a huge leap to not trusting him not to sexually harm your child. Isn't your child a toddler? Pedophilia is just... a really serious thing to accuse someone of, and it's also a really specific kink. As I said before, pedophiles are attracted to children who have yet to go through puberty. Like, children. I mean, I don't know him and I didn't talk to him, but unless he went on and on about how hot this girl was as a 7-year-old, I'll have to say that the fear he just might diddle your TODDLER seems a bit misquided.


GoBecGo 07-18-2012 03:51 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by MichelleZB View Post

 

It's totally fine that you don't want to date him because something doesn't feel right about his relationship with this young girl. The texts probably were a little inappropriate. I wish you luck in your friendship with him, and possibly in a future romance with someone else.

 

But... it's a huge leap to not trusting him not to sexually harm your child. Isn't your child a toddler? Pedophilia is just... a really serious thing to accuse someone of, and it's also a really specific kink. As I said before, pedophiles are attracted to children who have yet to go through puberty. Like, children. I mean, I don't know him and I didn't talk to him, but unless he went on and on about how hot this girl was as a 7-year-old, I'll have to say that the fear he just might diddle your TODDLER seems a bit misquided.

Yeah as a victim of sexual abuse as a child i TOTALLY disagree with you.  Not every child abuser is a "true" paedophile, and toddlers grow up into teenagers.  She didn't accuse him of anything, she just trusted her gut when it told her something is wrong with this picture.  That is the right thing to do.  I wish to god my parents had done that, rather than telling me, 20 years later "oh we WONDERED about him!". Cold, cold comfort.


philomom 07-18-2012 04:44 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by MichelleZB View Post

It's totally fine that you don't want to date him because something doesn't feel right about his relationship with this young girl. The texts probably were a little inappropriate. I wish you luck in your friendship with him, and possibly in a future romance with someone else.

But... it's a huge leap to not trusting him not to sexually harm your child. Isn't your child a toddler? Pedophilia is just... a really serious thing to accuse someone of, and it's also a really specific kink. As I said before, pedophiles are attracted to children who have yet to go through puberty. Like, children. I mean, I don't know him and I didn't talk to him, but unless he went on and on about how hot this girl was as a 7-year-old, I'll have to say that the fear he just might diddle your TODDLER seems a bit misquided.


You are way off base and the toddler won't be little forever.


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