husband doesn't want divorce, tries to get me back by trying to make me feel guilty - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 4 Old 05-28-2012, 07:12 AM - Thread Starter
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We've been married almost 5 years, have 2 kids (4 & 1). Basically, he has a gambling problem. It's been going on for a long time & my bank acct has drained 3 times. I've heard the i'll change& this time will be different more times than i care to admit. Oh, and he also doesn't work & when he did i never saw any $ bc he gambled it away or spent it on himself. The last time was the one that broke me forever. I thought we were getting ready to buy a house and found out he gambled away $12,000 in 3 months. Trust-done. Respect- done. How can you have a relationship when you don't have that? He says he's changed, going to counseling, church, etc. Good for you i tell him, but that doesn't change my feelings. He tells me i need to work on our marriage bc i will ruin our kids lives if i don't. Bc living the way we were was good for them??? I'm glad he's changed, although i don't believe it will stay that way... he really uses the kids to try to get me to come back. I'm not dumb and didn't come to this decision overnight. If i didn't think this was best for my kids i wouldn't do it. They deserve to have 2 happy parents & i can feel myself being so much happier wo him around. It does still hurt me though. He makes me out to be a cold hearted bitch that is ruining his life. I don't engage in arguements with him, even though he tries. I feel like this is probably "normal" behavior? I've heard ppl talk about divorce as a greiving process. Everyone has their own timeline? It's just so hard to be the one who has their head on straight all the time }:/
Also, we both have lawyers. I've heard his is a "sleaze". My sister-in-law told me that my phone, email, facebook, etc was being hacked/tapped and they were trying to get dirt on me. Can they do that? I don't have anything to hide but feel like that is soooooooo wrong & illegal! Anyone know anything about that?
Sorry for the randomness of all this. My 1st time writing this stufg down....
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#2 of 4 Old 05-28-2012, 07:39 AM
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Stick to your guns and leave.  Move, change the locks, stay with a friend, or do something.  Have you worked with your lawyer to protect your finances?  If not, please look into moving what money you do have over to another bank.  Also talk to your lawyer about the hacking/tapping of your communication.  Maybe you can get a restraining order.


Your children deserve a stable home.  Two parents is always ideal, but one parent in a stable home is going to be much better than two parents in extreme chaos and contention.  


Good luck.

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#3 of 4 Old 05-29-2012, 07:53 AM
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Big Hugs!  I could go on and on about my divorce process, but the circumstances with my Ex sound similar to yours.  I was ALWAYS the breadwinner.  Ex couldn't / wouldn't keep a job with stable income.  He ran up a huge credit card balance and expected me to pay for everything.  He didn't want the divorce.  Swore he would change.  Didn't want "our" son to have divorced parents.  He's a great talker and tried to convince me over and over and over again to take him back.  I listened politely and then continued with the divorce.  It was easier once he moved out.


2.5 years later...


He doesn't pay child support.  He doesn't speak to my son.  He doesn't buy presents.  It's been almost a year since he's seen his kid.  Breaks my heart, but I know both of us are in a better place.  I honestly don't think many people can truly change.


And yes, lawyers will do online research, etc. during the divorce process.  My Ex never retained a lawyer, but I believe he tried to hack into my mobile phone online account and he also installed a computer program that allowed him access while I was online on our home computer.  DH's Ex's attorney requested tons of documentation and records trying to get dirt on him during their divorce.


Finally, divorce is indeed a grieving process and people handle it differently.  I think by the time the person who wants the divorce actually files, the plaintiff has already started grieving.  The defendant is kind of at a disadvantage.  My Ex had warnings from me for probably 6 months prior to me filing and still acted like he was shocked and surprised.

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#4 of 4 Old 05-29-2012, 09:38 PM
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I don't know if any information gained by spyware or hacking is admissible in court, but IMO it is wise durring a divorce to behave as though you are being watched at all times, and that includes writting on open forums like MDC.


Is he still in the house? If so get a motion into court for you and your two children to have sole residency of the marital property.

Good luck!!!

No matter who is president, I will live life with an open and loving heart, kindness, and tolerance of all good people. I will stand against racism, sexism, and all prejudices!
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