The divorce process sucks - in the thick of it! - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 7 Old 06-29-2012, 07:24 PM - Thread Starter
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To make a long story short - married 12 years, together 20+ from college. 2 children in elementary school ages - my heart & soul. Put my career on hold to raise them working weekends & finished graduate school. STBXH has an alcohol & gambling problem. Tried to get him to counseling, meds for depression etc...  his family even had to pay mortgageafter he lost it gambling.So I filed after he diverted the bank acct & stopped paying the mortgage again.


My pendente lite hearing came & went - his lawyer claming he has no money even though he is pocketing all the mortgage money -3 month so far, living here free, eating the food I buy for me & kids. Judge continued for 60 days. My legal fees are approaching $8000.00 already. We tried to come up with an agreement, but, he wants joint custody of kids, to keep his hidden money & to short sell the house. I work near home & his job is more than 1 hour away. He makes twice what I make.  


How could any of this be fair?????  By the time we go back to court in 2 months the house will be $25,000.00 in arears! The loan has already been modified:(


We can't agree on anything and I can't keep living like this - I am having trouble concentrating at work, not sleeping at night & I do not see any light at the end of the tunnel -   any advice -  please help:(

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#2 of 7 Old 06-30-2012, 12:17 PM
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Wow. I'm so sorry you're dealing with so much stress and no real end in sight. I don't have any advice, but I just wanted to send you big hugs.  You have gone through so much already and you remain stable and clear-minded - remember that, because it means you are strong. xo

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#3 of 7 Old 06-30-2012, 04:39 PM - Thread Starter
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thanks for the message lilgreen - it means alot:)


Today he told me it would be better for everyone if I disapeared & said he wished I would die. I foolishly got angry and stated I wish you would die then he turned around and sent an email to my lawyer stating I made a death threat to him!  I think he may even taped me on his phone. I'm so upset I am shaking on the inside!!! I feel like throwing up I am so nauseous. I know I should be calm & ignore him but, he is constantly in my face, in my personal space & baiting me :(   I hate this.....

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#4 of 7 Old 06-30-2012, 05:22 PM
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Oh KJack.  Big hugs and good vibes.

I wish I could give you more specific advice, but having just completed my divorce I will tell you:


DOCUMENT EVERYTHING.  It sucks, because it feels like yet another job - I mean it really depletes time and energy (and as you see, money), but save every email.  Record every conversation.  Keep a notebook and write down everything.  


It might help, especially with the retrospective stuff, if you can find a time to get away with a good girl friend and just write write write while she supports you - or even secretaries for you.  I know, I KNOW this sounds like a huge PITA to do and you don't think you have the energy or time, but I strongly urge you to do this - you won't be sorry.  Don't worry about writing it well or including TOO much information, you can always edit later, just get it down.

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#5 of 7 Old 06-30-2012, 05:40 PM - Thread Starter
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Thank you Wilhemina - you are absolutely right - I need to put all of this energy to good use!


I have tried to get out with a girl friend for a walk or dinner etc, but, anytime he gets wind he will hurry up & leave the house before me so that I can't go out:(

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#6 of 7 Old 07-01-2012, 11:13 AM
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A couple of things come to my mind. The first being why has your attorney not submitted a motion requesting your sbx vacate the family home, and a status quo motion ordering sbx to pay morgage, regular marital bills etc that he is normally responsible for. With the order for him to vacate the hoime you can restrict your contact to him to email only, so giving you space to cool down and respond calmly.

Do you know what bank he uses? A subpoena will get you bank statements, and past tax info will prove his income. You just need to prove dissipation of marital assets for a judge to award you half of what he has hidden away.


It sounds like your sbx is playing really dirty, which makes me think he is going to a really dreadful board for divorcing fathers.


You might want to read some of the advice given there so you know what kind of behaviour to expect, giving you a bit of forewarning.  No matter what he throws at you, you need to keep your cool and not give him anythoing he can use against you.


Did he cc your attorney? I take it he has an attorney of his own? If he starts sending your attorney emails, your attorney needs to make it clear he will not read them as he is upping your bill for you. He needs to leave contact with your attorney to his attorney.


Who's name is the house in? Who's name is the morgage in? Quite honestly, unless your name is the only one on the house deed and morgage, the house is dead weight. You want to stay in it as long as possible, but to not have the debt in your name.


You can use your sbx going out against him, reinforce the fact that you are the one doing most of the parenting.


It really sounds like you are in for a dirty divorce. Be prepared, but take the high road. Document everything. Get a note book, write your attorney's details on the front cover and make it clear anything you write is for your attorneys benefit (that means it can not be used in court against you, it becomes protected, confidential if it is addressed to your attorney) and write down everything!!!


Be the nicest soon to be ex wife you can be!!!

Vent all you want here, but remember this is a public forum and your sbx can read everything you write!!!

Do not say anything on facebook/twitter against your sbx, it can be used against you.

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#7 of 7 Old 07-01-2012, 12:47 PM - Thread Starter
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thank you hillymum - I really appreciate all the great advice ladies!

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