We are in NY - is this one of those states?
I work a 30 hr week. I get them ready for school & am home shortly after they get home or before every day. He is gone from 7am-at least 7pm Mon thru Friday.
What is an ROFR?
No, NY is not one of those states. ROFR is right of first refusal. What this means is that if he is unable to care for the kids on his parenting time, he has to offer you the opportunity to have the kids before he makes alternate arrangements and vice versa.
So another question for you ladies - what is a fair schedule for visitation?
I proposed Me Saturday & him Sundays until he finds his own place to live.
Then alternate weekends with sleep overs when he has a permanent place.
The weeknight are tough - he works until 7-8:00pm & kids go to bed between 8-9:00pm after showering & prepping for the next morning. Mornings are hectic here:)
What about kids sick at visit time?
What if kids don't want to go?
Am I safe going with the restraining order instead of the order of protection?
What does he gain by this change?
What changes with this as far as the custody, pendente lite, divorce proceedings?
When my ex and I split, he couldn't have overnights until he had completed an anger management course. During this time, he had them every Saturday. My kids were 6 and almost 4 when we split. So that we are clear, my ex agreed to this in order to get me to dismiss the TRO (this is the order that has teeth when it comes to the police) into a consent order. If he had not agreed, a judge would have ordered the overnights.
My youngest was okay with this schedule (she didn't do so well when the overnights started), my oldest hated it. He didn't feel like he had time to relax at either place and play because the week-end was split up the way it was. He liked it better when overnights started as he now had a whole week-end with me and whole week-end with his dad.
How old are your kids? If they are older like mine (10 & almost 13), it isn't going to hurt them to stay up late once a week so that they can spend time with their dad. I do know that it is hard for my kids (even at their ages) to go a full two weeks without spending time with their Dad.
One thing that you will want to keep in mind is that if he pushes for overnights, a court will order them. Even if he is staying with friends. So if he doesn't agree to no overnights until he gets his own place, fighting overnights will only increase your legal fees. Unless you can prove that he is a danger to your kids. And nothing you have posted would indicate that a judge would order no overnights.
My kids are 9 & 11 GM.
I offered dinner on Weds if he could arrive by 6pm and he agreed, but, now he is asking for every Weds dinner, every other Saturday & Sunday followed by Sundays on the off week - WTF??? Since I am off on Fridays he counts that as a day for me with the children even though they go to camp that day. My daughter did stay home one friday because she had a fever - now he's trying to count that as a day for me to spend with them. He is also stating that when he moves back to the neighborhood he plans on getting more time! He wants to leave them with a sitter 7 hours a day just to spite me??? More likely to try and avoid CS! I'm so angry right now I could cry. He continues to harass me over emails telling me I am a liar -even though I keep telling him to stop violating the temp OP. My lawyer is on vacation - he will be here tom to pick them up for dinner - ugh!!!
He's not going to get every Sunday. Even if you are off on Fridays, the kids are in school. It would be very difficult for you to plan week-end trips if he has every Sunday. And it is unlikely that a judge will order it. Be firm with your no. And don't even do it on a temporary basis as that will set a status quo.
If he moves back to the same neighborhood, chances are good that he will get more time. But you can have it set up to where you get them if you are off from work and he would just pick them up after work.
It really sounds like he is not going to be co-operative with you at all and will not follow the court order when everything is done. You need to discuss with your attorney what the consequences would be if the court order isn't followed, such as putting in there that should a contempt motion need to be filed to enforce the order that the person in contempt pays all legal fees of both parties. That may deter him from being too much of a tool.
You also need to address what happens when the kids are sick. Because if it isn't addressed and you keep the kids with you on his week-end, you would be in contempt.
Here are some other items to go over with your attorney:
1. How to handle switches-the way I would handle this is that both parties have to agree to the switch in writing, complete with signatures.
2. How make-up time will be handled should the kids not be able to go to their Dad's due to inclement weather or illness.
3. ROFR-what this is that if either of you are unable to care for the kids on your parenting time, you first have to offer the other parent the time. If they aren't available, then each of you are responsible for making alternate arrangements. Given his attitude, I would put in there that should he not comply with this, you get make-up time on his next week-end.
4. Who has final say on education and medical issues. Save yourself some court time as it doesn't appear that he is going to be co-operative and just may make a simple doctor's appointment a battle. If you have final say, after his input, he would just be spinning his wheels and if he takes you to court over it, he would be showing the courts what a tool he is.
5. How birthdays, holidays and school breaks are to be handled. Mother's Day is yours regardless of whose week-end it is, same goes for Father's Day for him.
6. Summer vacation: each of you get 2 weeks uninterrupted time. Each of you have to give your weeks by April 1 (or a different date). On even years, you get first pick, on odd years he gets first pick or vice versa. What this means is that on even years, he has to plan his uninterupted time around your 2 weeks, same goes for you on odd years or vice versa. I would also stagger the dates, such as when you go first, you pick by April 1 and he has to pick by April 15 and vice versa. Failure to pick by the dates means that the uninterupted time is forfieted and it will go to the normal summer schedule.
7. Be willing to do the week on week off during the summer as long as you get the kids during the day if you are available. It will show the judge that you are willing to work with him. And your kids are old enough that a judge would order this for the summer anyway.
I just want to point out that not everyone goes by the summer schedule GM has set out. Ex's normal parenting time is extended from one evening eow (end of school day - 8pm) to 10am to 10am the next day and his eow is extended from 5pm friday - 5pm sunday to 10am friday - 8pm sunday. We both get 3 uninterupted weeks (his are fixed, starts second friday after school ends for 2 weeks and the second week in August for a week, and I have to give him my dates by the end of May.
I also want to state that my ex has been an absent father for much of our childrens lives, working away from home during the week or working very long hours. This is the main reason he has such limited parenting time. I am not saying he is a good involved parent when he has the children (he is actually very selfish) but that his work really does prevent him having our children more, and he moved out of our school district so having the children overnight on a school night would negatively effect them. If your sbx is even just a passable father then you shouldn't be setting out to restrict his time with your children. If he is abusive to them then that is another thing. I wouldn't presume he wants more parenting time to lower child support. Not all. fathers/men behave in such a low manner.
What I listed wasn't my summer schedule, it was just to give an idea of how some are handled. My ex gets the kids EOW and dinner during the week. He will sometimes take them on a long holiday week-end. But he doesn't really take any extended time that often. And after almost 7 years, I wished he would. But he simply can't manage child care and work, "it's too much" (his words).
Thank you for the list GM - I never thought of the minute details that go into these agreements. It's astonishing that it has to come to this, but, I will address this with my attorney when he gets back in town. I think the Weds dinners and every other weekend are the best for us. If they are with him during the week they will be with a sitter 7 hours per day instead of with me!
And Hillymum - I don't presume to know my STBXH - we have been together for 25 years - I do know him better than he knows himself! I also know that holding onto his money is his first priority! He has an alcohol & gambling addiction and hasn't paid for our mortgage, utilities, food etc... for 4 months and counting. Kids are obviously not his priority since he obviously does not care if they have a roof over their heads, electricity, food etc...
Haven't been on these forums in a long time!
Went through some of what you're going through -- hang in!
Sounds like you're getting good advice and taking things logically. Just want to say that often the 'temporary' parenting schedule turns into the permanent one, so don't agree to anything that you can't live with long term.
And I put in writing that the only way I will communicate with my X is through email. With everything in writing, threats stopped and fewer games are played. Also, emails must be answered in a timely fashion. Since I have one who won't deal with stuff he doesn't want to, we ultimately made it 72 hours for everything. Texts and calls are for emergency only.
And do be prepared that he may throw you some curves! My X was never involved, but fought for 50% custody because he didn't want to look bad, didn't want to pay and knew how to really hurt me. He may put his act together for the Courts and look like father of the year for a while. Eventually, he won't be able to hold together the facade anymore, but it's a very difficult process for everyone.
Hanging in there so far. Trying to get a steady parenting schedule, but he refuses to agree. He had 10 days with them in June, but, now does not want to give me vacation time with them. Bottom line is they live with me and he is not here so we are more peaceful. Back to court soon for the house & bills. Am sure they are going to make us sell since he hasn't paid the mortgage or taxes for 5 months. Hope we are able to stay a little longer. Kids want to stay in their schools and there are no rentals in our school district.
Any ideas on getting together a vacation fund - with all the bills it has been hard to put any money aside.
Thank you for thekind words Grass67hopper - the encouragement helps me to get through:)
Right now, going on a vacation is the least of your worries. The kids and I didn't go on vacation for 4 years . It was once I got rid of the house that we were able to go on a vacation.
You can go on hikes, on a picnic, or visit a friend/family and call that a vacation. Once the dust is settled, you can worry about saving for a vacation.
BTW, your ex doesn't control whether or not you get vacation time with the kids. And a court will order vacation time for both of you. If you can't afford the mortgage without him, you are going to have to move. It stinks, but it's not the end of the world. I was able to stay in the house for a year and a half after I surrendered it in a bankruptcy before I got served with a foreclosure notice. If you are in a judicial state (meaning that the bank has to go to court to foreclose), it will take a little longer before you have to move.
When the divorce is over (and it will be despite his delaying tactics), you may want to consider filing BK (just don't tell your attorney this as s/he isn't going to be happy that you will discharge his/her bill in the BK and may ask to withdraw). And when structuring the debt division, be sure that he is responsible for the debt in his name or both of your names. Once you file BK, it won't matter if he pays or not. The creditors can only go after him, not you. And as child support garnishment takes precedence over any garnishment order the creditors may get.
GM yes - I know you are right about the vacation. I will try and find a less expensive way for us to "get away".
Lawyer says it could take a while to forclose, but, judge may order a short sale and that could happen a bit faster I was told.
Never thought about BK for me, but, may have to. I am pretty sure STBX is going to do that because he has so much more debt that is in his name only - from the gambling etc... Will have to look into BK to find out the specifics. Worried about the reprucussions though.
A judge can order a short sale, but that doesn't mean that the bank will accept it. A family court judge has no jurisdiction over the bank. Not to mention, that it is still going to take quite a while for a short sale to go through. I know of one in my area that has been on the market for almost a year.
Plus, your stbx would have to cooperate because both of you will have to give the bank your financial information for the bank to even consider approving a short sale.
Just what do you think the repercussions are for filing bk?
STBX has been pushing to sell the house because he doesn't want to pay the mortgage since they are requiring such a large escrow amount now.
I always had excellent credit , but, it is pretty crappy now since he has stopped paying mortgage & the single joint CC that we had. He owes the entire balance, but, stopped paying that as well. Think he stopped paying the IRS as well:((((
Worried that the bank will still come after us for the house. Worried that it is possible to recover after 2 years for short sale, but, up to 10 years for BK. Need another lawyer for BK:( Can't even keep up costs on the current one. Leased car - what happens when the lease is up in 18 months? Have to find a new home - who will rent to someone in BK?
In BK, probably not. After the BK is discharged, probably. You would be better off going with a private owner as opposed to a complex.
I have a BK on my record and had no problem renting an apartment. I got the apartmenta little over a year after my discharge. While a short sale may not stay on your record as long, the bank can come after you for any shortfall. And that will stay on your record for as long as it is outstanding. Which could be longer than 10 years depending on how vehemently the bank goes after you.
BK is a clean break and it's not the end of the world.
I guess that is something I should consider. Does it look bad to the courts in the divorce if I am not paying my bills. I know my husband is likely not paying his, but, I don't want the judge to hold this against me.
Court next week for the pendente lite follow up - it has been 60 days & I am hoping for some rulings on CS. I expect to get an order to sell. Do I stay put in the house until they forclose? I have somewhere to move in the next school district - with better public schools to boot.... do I hold out & save until I get booted out? Do I pay for private school until then? Do I move to the better SD asap?
What do you need to do to file for BK???? Do I wait until the DV is final? Do I need another lawyer? Can I do it myself?
Actually, you not being able to pay your bills because he refuses to help support his kids will make HIM look bad in court. Not you.
http://www.bkforum.com/forum.php -this website has all kinds of useful information on what is involved in filing for BK. In the meantime, here is the order that you pay:
1. Food for kids and you
2. Utilities-you do not want these turned off.
3. Gas for car so that you can get to work.
4. Car payment-unless you plan on surrendering the car.
As for when to file, I would ask your stbx if he is going to file BK. If he is, then both of you might as well do it now as opposed to waiting for the divorce to be over. It will definitely make the debt division easier as there will be none. The only issue would be the division of the assets that both of you were able to exempt and child support. And child support goes by a set guideline based on income. Expenses don't matter.
As for moving, I would wait until you have to move and save money by living rent-free until the house is foreclosed. This actually benefits the bank as an empty house are prone to be vandalised. Not to mention, that while you live there, you are responsible for the upkeep. Such as mowing the lawn. Plus, you have it insured. Once you move out, the bank will have to get an umbrella policy.
That is a great BK site - thank you - I have been reading there for days & am now considering. I am fairly certain he will file, but, we don't even speak to eachother - just thru lawyers because we are both so angry! Everytime I try and be civil he starts harassing & calling me names - so I choose to stay away from him as much as possible.
Sadly I heard from my lawyer on Friday - they are going to adjourn court for the follow up pendente lite :( It has been well over 60 days and we still have no decision. I submitted the discovery by 8/1 as requested, but, the lawyers are not ready. UGH - can't believe I have to hold out longer! He is spending or socking away all of his money so that he can state he cannot pay me back CS. Last time his lawyer stated he doesn't have anything in the bank - he is living paycheck to paycheck.
His lawyer also gave us a preliminary settelment - OMG - it is ridiculous!!!! He wants to have them 50% of the time - during the week when he is working 12 hours per day! He wants 4 weeks in the summer. He wants Christmas eve & Christmas day split. He is demanding that we sell the house and then that we continue to live in this town - that I cannot afford once we lose this house! No spousal support, none of the dissipated money - unbelievable!!!!
I feel like screaming!!!!
Chefmommy - I don't know if this helps, but XH was ordered to pay a large lump sum settlement amount to me...without the judge knowing his financial situation because he never responded to the divorce proceedings.
In addition, during his divorce, DH was also ordered to pay his XW money he didn't have. Both parties had both disclosed financial records, credit card statements, etc. So it was evident he didn't have $12,000 stashed away somewhere.
Of course, the difference in our situations is that DH's parents gave him some money and he owned up to his obligations. Sadly, my XH has paid me nothing...he has always insisted he has no money.