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#1 of 50 Old 07-01-2012, 01:10 PM - Thread Starter
 
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STBXH has been threatening me & stating I am the one making the threats. I already filed a police report this week, but, what else can I do to protect me & my children? 

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#2 of 50 Old 07-01-2012, 01:55 PM
 
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How is he making the threats? If verbal you need to use a smart phone or a small recording devise to record the threats then go to your court house and apply for a Emergancy Protective Order. Are the threats made in seriousness, does he really intend to hurt you?

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#3 of 50 Old 07-01-2012, 03:35 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hi hillymom - he says he's never going to let me get away with this divorce & that he will make sure I never get the children. He tells me I am a worthless bitch. He is physically a much bigger person than I am standing 6'3 & weighs about 220lbs. He likes to stand in my personal space when he says these things. He likes to physically restrain me & get in my face especially since he knows it makes me uncomfortable.

 

I thought a recorder wasn't useful unless the person consented to being recorded? 

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#4 of 50 Old 07-01-2012, 03:37 PM
 
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What you need to do is find out if your state is a one party (only needs the consent of one party) or two party (needs the consent of all parties involved) state when it comes to recording conversations. 

 

If it is a one party state, you can record all conversations with your stbx.  And it would be admissable in court. 

 

If it is a two party state, send your stbx written notice (send certified, request a receipt, via e-mail, text and voicemail) that due to his allegations you will protect yourself by recording any and all conversations with him.  And if he chooses to have a conversation with you, he is consenting to the recording.  In fact, I would go as far as stating, at the beginning of any conversation with him (and only have conversations with him in regards to the kids, radio silence on other subjects) that you are recording the conversation and any participation on his part is consenting to the conversation.  

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#5 of 50 Old 07-01-2012, 03:40 PM
 
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Hi hillymom - he says he's never going to let me get away with this divorce & that he will make sure I never get the children. He tells me I am a worthless bitch. He is physically a much bigger person than I am standing 6'3 & weighs about 220lbs. He likes to stand in my personal space when he says these things. He likes to physically restrain me & get in my face especially since he knows it makes me uncomfortable.

 

I thought a recorder wasn't useful unless the person consented to being recorded? 

Depends on what state you are in.  In NJ, where I am, it is a one party state.  You don't need his consent for the conversation.  I believe that in NY, you need the consent of both parties.  But you can get that simply telling him that you are recording the conversation and that any participation on his part means he consented to the recording.

 

Or better yet, only meet him for child exchanges in a public place.  And if he grabs you, report it to the police (I would have a third party present to witness his behaviour) as that is an assault. 

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#6 of 50 Old 07-01-2012, 03:51 PM - Thread Starter
 
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We are in NY and live in the same household with our children Goodmom2008. I think he has been trying to get me angry & record me lately because he picks a fight with me then suddenly tries to act nice after I am angry and send me baiting email & text messages. He did not ask for my consent though. Can he still use things he has recorded if he has?

 

It's a tough to keep my cool because he knows how to push all the right buttons. But, I think I have to learn how to restrain from an arguement. He refuses to leave the home & is just constantly trying to antagonize me and get into my space. Lately the threats are escalating & kids are in bed with me, but, I'm not sleeping at night because I am afraid he will act out some of these threats. I have filed a police report & kept my lawyer aware of threats.

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#7 of 50 Old 07-01-2012, 04:22 PM
 
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If you are that scared of him why are you and the children still in the marital home? Go to a womans shelter asap! No house is worth staying in if you and the children are in danger.

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#8 of 50 Old 07-01-2012, 05:47 PM
 
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If you are that scared of him why are you and the children still in the marital home? Go to a womans shelter asap! No house is worth staying in if you and the children are in danger.

Because if she leaves, he can get a court to order the kids back into the marital home.  It's not as simple as just taking the kids and leaving. 

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#9 of 50 Old 07-01-2012, 05:49 PM
 
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I would double check with an attorney about NY being a 2-party state.  If it is, he can't use them.  Not only that, if he ever records you when he is not present, even in a 1-party state, he will get into trouble if he uses it. 

 

What does your attorney say about the threats? 

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#10 of 50 Old 07-02-2012, 03:49 PM
 
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oh no

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#11 of 50 Old 07-02-2012, 03:51 PM
 
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Not without a court order.  I would find some way to get that filed tomorrow.  In fact, your attorney should be able to do it for you.

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#12 of 50 Old 07-02-2012, 03:51 PM - Thread Starter
 
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My attorney keeps telling me to call the police on him, but, I don't want the children to be involved. I called yesterday in the early morning & an officer came by (I took the children out of the house), but, when we came back stbx proceeded to tell the children what happened:( They are young in elementary school - it is all really sad. He did tell my daughter he was sleeping in a hotel & left all night. He also told her he would see her tonight after work - so I am just dreading his reappearance tonight. Lawyer wants me to go to family court & file an OOP or a Family offense order. I can't get there until friday this week (job).

 

Can I make him stay out if he went to a hotel???

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#13 of 50 Old 07-02-2012, 03:53 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Wouldn't it be considered abandonment for custody purposes Goodmom?

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#14 of 50 Old 07-02-2012, 07:00 PM
 
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Wouldn't it be considered abandonment for custody purposes Goodmom?

 

It hasn't been long enough for you to even make that claim.   And as long as there is no court order, he is free to move back in at any time.  Going on a one or two night vacation (even more) is not going to be considered abandonment.  Now, if he were to sign a lease on an apartment and not bother seeing the kids at all, then that could be viewed as abandonment. 

 

But that's not what happened.  Your stbx stayed in a hotel room after talking to the police.  He can claim that the police reccomended a cooling off period. 

 

You need a court order giving you exclusive use of the marital home.  Because he can come and go as he pleases without one. 

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#15 of 50 Old 07-04-2012, 05:03 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Well I got a temp OOP - sheriff escorted him out last night, but, back to court on Thursday:(  Don't think my lawyer is available - haven't heard back from him. Think he has recorded me arguing with him. He had been starting an argument, then when I get angry enough to oblige he starts acting all nice & sweet. He is also making false allegations that I hit him. Terrified of the hearing on Thursday....    will they reverse the order??? 

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#16 of 50 Old 07-04-2012, 10:29 AM
 
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Thinking of you. Hang in there and breathe. It sounds like you are doing everything right. Try not to worry about recording right now - it might not be happening - worry about it only when and if he brings it to the table.  Easier said than done, I know. Hugs xoxo

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#17 of 50 Old 07-04-2012, 11:08 AM
 
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I was just looking for my lawyer's email when I came across this document that she wrote. I thought it might be helpful for you right now: http://www.domesticabusemuststop.org/resources.php?subaction=showfull&id=1102303016&archive=&start_from=&ucat=2&

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#18 of 50 Old 07-04-2012, 01:42 PM
 
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If your attorney isn't available, have your attorney request a continuance.  My hearing on my TRO (temporary restraining order) was continued 2 times, first because my ex's new attorney wasn't available and the second was because the judge had something come up. 

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#19 of 50 Old 07-04-2012, 05:18 PM
 
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...

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#20 of 50 Old 07-04-2012, 06:09 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I will keep you posted - thank you ladies!

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#21 of 50 Old 07-05-2012, 08:01 AM
 
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Sounds like you are on the right track for you and your kids.  You need an attorney at the hearing, IMHO, because it sounds like your STBX is trying to set you up.  My ex made all sorts of false accusations that he backed up with affidavits (from his sister and best friend) that had the first judge at my temporary hearing believing his side of the story...even though I had an attorney we hadn't been prepared for it, and were caught off-guard.  The second hearing (when I had time to produce real evidence) went my way.  One important recommendation, though, since it sounds like he is scheming...keep him in regular touch with the kids by phone/skype/visits (with supervised handovers) so he can't accuse you of trying to deprive him of access to the kids...  Also, are there folks (other than the kids) who have witnessed anything?

 

Hugs, K


Mom to two terrific kiddos, affirming every day that the Universe is unfolding as it should and all is well...

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#22 of 50 Old 07-05-2012, 06:13 PM
 
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smile.gif

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#23 of 50 Old 07-05-2012, 06:30 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Attorneys suggested a restraining order with the same stay away provisions. This would be more of an agreement drafted by the attorneys and we would then not have to have the hearing. I was told he would agree to stay away from the home, from me, my job, no contact etc... Lawyer said only difference is that he cannot be arrested if he violates - I could just call police and can always bring him back to court. Told me I could change locks after he picks his stuff up on Sat. Still have the TRO until we can agree on RO. Back to court in August for OOP hearing if we can't agree on terms.... Told him he could see kids over weekend.

 

This seems too easy???

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#24 of 50 Old 07-06-2012, 02:46 AM
 
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Would this restraining order address a temporary parenting plan (keep in mind that temporary is usually what you end up with permanently)?  If not, you should get that in there. 

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#25 of 50 Old 07-06-2012, 04:12 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Hi Goodmom - I believe that is what my lawyer intends to get in there because I agreed to regular visitation with the children verbally. He's supposed to draft something and then forward to me. I finally had a good night of sleep last night knowing he wasn't coming back. Kids are excited to see him this weekend. I hope he can hold it together during their visit - he calls them on the phone & cries:(

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#26 of 50 Old 07-11-2012, 03:51 AM - Thread Starter
 
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So now we are working on the restraining order and visitation thru the attorneys. I still have the temp order of protection.

 

He is staying with one his friends family about 1 hour away. He told the children he is looking for a place in our town and things were reatively quiet until yesterday. He emailed and texted me 5 times yesterday demanding to pick up children Thursday night and Saturday overnight until Sunday. I told him we had plans Saturday, but, he could see them Sunday - just like last week. He said no. I reminded him that attorneys are working on visitiation, but, he doesn't want to go thru attorneys.

 

In addition t the 5 messages I received he is texting our 9 year old daughter asking her when he can see her. She is upset because he is putting her in the middle.

 

Would all these repeated calls and demands be considered harassment?

 

Can he keep them overnight without a residence?  

 

What do I do if he just shows up?

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#27 of 50 Old 07-11-2012, 03:58 AM
 
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He is violating the restraining order by texting you.  Let your attorney know.  Also, let your attorney know that he is putting the kids in the middle by texting them and asking them when he will be able to see them.  And if he doesn't stop, that will not go well for him in court. 

 

Don't answer his calls.  Have your attorney contact his attorney.  That is the proper way to handle parenting time when there is a restraining order in place.  And if he persists, go for a court order that has more teeth.  One that will send him to jail if he violates it like he is now. 

 

If he has a place for them to sleep that is safe, yes, he can have overnights.  But that is something that needs to be worked out through your attorneys.

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#28 of 50 Old 07-11-2012, 10:25 AM
 
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So now we are working on the restraining order and visitation thru the attorneys. I still have the temp order of protection.

 

He is staying with one his friends family about 1 hour away. He told the children he is looking for a place in our town and things were reatively quiet until yesterday. He emailed and texted me 5 times yesterday demanding to pick up children Thursday night and Saturday overnight until Sunday. I told him we had plans Saturday, but, he could see them Sunday - just like last week. He said no. I reminded him that attorneys are working on visitiation, but, he doesn't want to go thru attorneys.

 

In addition t the 5 messages I received he is texting our 9 year old daughter asking her when he can see her. She is upset because he is putting her in the middle.

 

Would all these repeated calls and demands be considered harassment?

 

Can he keep them overnight without a residence?  

 

What do I do if he just shows up?

Is there a way to block certain phone numbers? I wonder if you can get your daughter's phone to block anything incoming from him so she doesn't have to be put in that horrible position. How utterly selfish and senseless. I'm sorry you and your kids are having to go through this. big huge hugs. If he just shows up, you should probably call the police. xxoo

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#29 of 50 Old 07-11-2012, 03:27 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Well my attorney told his attorney today and I have stopped receiving messages. Will have to check with my daughter later when she goes on her ipod to make sure there are no further messages related to visits from him. I feel reluctant to drop the protection order now for the restraining order considering the recent behavior.

 

Is a visitation schedule the same as a parenting plan??? I told him we could do every other weekend. We both work (me part time nearby) and he works late hours with a 2 hour nightly commute. The kids are in elementary school and he doesn't get here until 7:30-8:00pm for a visit during the week - really too late for more than 1 hour of time at this age. I even said a Friday night to Monday morning could work every other weekend. He is pushing for more of course. I think this is just a warm up of what is to come. Wait until court next month for the pendente lite when he may be told he is to pay CS (no support since April) & mortgage that he has not paid in 5 months  - he is going to hit the roof!

 

You are so knowledgeable about the process GM - I really appreciate all of your advice & all of the help from LilGreen, TCC, Hilly, thanks ladies!!!  

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#30 of 50 Old 07-11-2012, 03:37 PM
 
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Parenting plan is the "visitation" schedule.  I prefer the term parenting time, though. 

 

With his work schedule, I just can't see how overnights during the week would be in the kids' best interests.   What state are you in?  If it is one of the handful that have a presumption of 50/50 physical, he just may get more time.  But I would push for a strongly worded ROFR that says you get them over a babysitter or another family member (this would be reciprical).   I would really push how your schedule is more suited to the kids' schedule.

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