What is the longest you've gone without "intimacy" ;) ? - Mothering Forums

View Poll Results: What is the longest you've gone WITHOUT
A couple weeks 5 7.94%
A couple months 9 14.29%
4-8 months 6 9.52%
9-12 months 7 11.11%
A year 7 11.11%
Two years 5 7.94%
Three to four years 8 12.70%
Five years 4 6.35%
Six to seven years 5 7.94%
Eight to ten years 3 4.76%
Ten plus years 4 6.35%
Voters: 63. You may not vote on this poll

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#1 of 36 Old 07-15-2012, 10:42 AM - Thread Starter
 
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In adulthood, especially as a single parent, I would like to get an idea for how long is the average for a person to go "without." As far as I know, I can't actually say the word here, but the subject is important and relevant to the single parent. So, I think you know what I mean. In case there is any confusing, it starts with an s and is three letters long.

 

The poll is private so no one will see how you voted. Thanks. :)  Just pick what ever answer is closest. I tried to have a lot of options but I realize they are not exact.

 

*ETA: Please see post #6 as well. Thank you. :)

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#2 of 36 Old 07-15-2012, 10:43 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Well, I didn't find a public/private poll option, so I'm assuming this is private. Sorry. :/

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#3 of 36 Old 07-15-2012, 10:55 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I am really wanting to know especially because I am currently in the midst of a pretty major dry spell and I have to talked to women who have gone three, four, and even five years without. I'm assuming there are women who have gone longer too. I'd also like to talk about how you coped with the dry spell and how it affected you.  

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#4 of 36 Old 07-15-2012, 03:15 PM
 
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I am a SMBC (just by way of explaining a little) - I was intimate with a close friend during my pregnancy and then nothing until I started dating and old boyfriend why my daughter was almost 3.  My sister left her partner just over 3 years ago and hasn't been with anyone since.  I think it was easier for me going the same length of time just because I was PP, had a newborn, infant, toddler and it was all I could do to focus on that.  My sisters little girl is a little older now so I think it is getting to the point where she's really thinking this is getting ridiculous! :)

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#5 of 36 Old 07-15-2012, 03:23 PM - Thread Starter
 
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So, are you saying the longest you've ever gone was three years? Will you vote on the poll? Hardly anyone is voting. (I've been waiting for enough people to vote so that I can vote anonymously too!)

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shanny2032

I think it is getting to the point where she's really thinking this is getting ridiculous! :)

 

Yes, this is how I'm feeling as well! Thanks for sharing. :)

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#6 of 36 Old 07-15-2012, 03:35 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I would also be very interested in hearing from people about how their dry spell was finally broken and how that went. I have to admit, I am seriously suffering at this point. It is not by choice. I think it is a shyness issue and a bad past experiences issue and also just not meeting too many people I'm very interested in.

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#7 of 36 Old 07-15-2012, 04:38 PM
 
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I've been a single parent for 5 yrs. Everyone I've dated in that time I've met online. I started dating someone about a month after my XH moved out and was with him for a year. Then there was a year with 2 short flings, the next year was an evening with my one FWB every couple of months and a very short fling with someone else, then my FWB started a relationship with his now fiancee' and I was celibate for a little over a year before meeting a now-exBF who I dated for 4 months.

 

I've now been celibate for about 6 months and I am very committed to only dating someone who I feel a very strong connection to and only sleeping with someone who will be a life partner, and I'm not finding that online so I've deleted all my profiles. I don't know how long before the right guy shows up or how long I will be able to hold out from looking for a fling, 'cause I have a very high drive and my BOB doesn't always cut it. My sexual history is probably not typical - I've had about a dozen partners in 25 yrs - starting when I was 15 - so it's obviously something that's been important enough to me to do what it takes to find it. Oh, and in my marriage, I think the longest we went was 6 mo (and often a few months in between) when our kids were very little


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#8 of 36 Old 07-16-2012, 09:32 AM
 
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I've been a solo mama for 9 years, had 2 long term relationships during those 9 years and have met 90% of all the men I have dated online.  I was at 2 years celibacy until April.  Previously, the longest I had ever gone without was 6 months.  But, I made a conscious decision to be celibate for a year after realizing that my head, heart and body were just not in sync based on some bad choices I was making and how nasty I was feeling afterwards.  So, I wanted to take a break from dating and sex to get more clear about myself and what I wanted.  It became two years because I became very comfortable on my own, super passionate about my new career, just didn't want to share any of my limited time with anyone else.  Honestly, I was also afraid I would slip back into my unhealthy patterns.  Basically, I went to the opposite side of the spectrum.   

 

I haven't been with anyone since that one incident in April (it sucked and we both ended the dating relationship -- just not a good match at all), but I am dating someone else right now.  The celibacy stint has helped me to realize I want intimacy, not just sex and that intimacy requires quality time spent together building trust, friendship and togetherness.  Having survived 2 years without and learning other methods (thank you BOB!) to meet my "needs," I am better able to hold off my carnal desires to allow for the building of intimacy in the relationship.  

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#9 of 36 Old 07-21-2012, 10:12 PM
 
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I am not looking for anything beyond casual relationships at this point in my life. I'm a widow and not interested in bringing another person in that capacity into my children's lives. I've been making out with a very close friend for the last year regularly and I see someone out of town occasionally. Both are great, easy and satisfactory. I have never met anyone online. I sometimes make out with another friend, too. Scandalous. Ha!! I'm not designed for celibacy.

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#10 of 36 Old 07-22-2012, 07:21 PM
 
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I've only been a solo mama for 10 mos. now, but I've been celibate since I found out I was pregnant and have every intention of remaining so indefinitely. This is what I tell my friends: 

 

I'm no good at relationships. I've proven that to myself with the downward spiral of the quality of the men I've dated. Getting better at this will take practice... lots of practice. And I'm just not willing to subject my son to that kind of practice. Period. Now, I'm not ruling out the possibility of starting a friendship with someone that leads over a period of years into something more, but that will be the last person I ever date, even if it doesn't work out.

 

That's my take on relationships, and casual sex has just never cut it for me. Of course I'm still nursing, so it's possible that I will change my tune when my hormones start shifting again after he's weaned, but I'm not counting on it.


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#11 of 36 Old 07-26-2012, 05:55 PM
 
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well my divorce was final almost 3 years ago, and it was before that, so i picked 3-4 years


i'm not interested in casual sex. my ex husband was infact my first (and only, lol) boy friend, and im almost 30. i'd like to meet someone and get remarried someday (hopefully soon, i want more kids!) but i just dont know where to begin. im not into the party scene, and between work, school, and ds, i dont have much time anyway. i figure i'll meet the right person when the time is right

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#12 of 36 Old 07-26-2012, 07:22 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ashleyhaugh View Post

well my divore was final almost 3 years ago, and it was before that, so i picked 3-4 years


i'm not interested in casual sex. my ex husband was infact my first (and only, lol) boy friend, and im almost 30. i'd like to meet someone and get remarried someday (hopefully soon, i want more kids!) but i just dont know where to begin. im not into the party scene, and between work, school, and ds, i dont have much time anyway. i figure i'll meet the right person when the time is right
With a few details changed i could have written this post. Glad to know i'm not the only one who feels similar.
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#13 of 36 Old 07-28-2012, 12:04 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for all the responses. It is nice to know I'm not alone. I guess I really don't know how to change it though. I feel like I've tried everything. And yes, my self esteem is at an all time low now because of it (I swear it was not the other way around -- and anyway, people with low self esteem have relationships all the time).

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#14 of 36 Old 08-02-2012, 09:53 AM
 
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I didn't sleep with my husband for the last3 + years of our marriage.  I decided to wait at least a year after I left him, to get my head straight, etc.  It ended up being a year and a half before I hooked up with anyone.  An old friend messaged me on FB.  We chatted, nothing flirty, and when he came in town to visit his family, he asked to hang out during the day and get to know me again.  I wasn't available during the day, and really wanted to get laid if it was possible, so we hung out late at night.  So it was 3 hours of talking and then he asked to kiss me...he definitely wasn't expecting to get laid, but I thought it was the perfect opportunity because he lives 3.5 hours away, and so couldn't gossip with any of my friends or get too involved.  The sex was amazingly awesome, and he has come to visit a few more weekends, but his summer time off and vacation tickets and time were already scheduled, so we've let things cool down, and I date other people but have no desire for casual sex at this time.

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#15 of 36 Old 08-02-2012, 10:35 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by provocativa View Post

he definitely wasn't expecting to get laid, but I thought it was the perfect opportunity because he lives 3.5 hours away, and so couldn't gossip with any of my friends or get too involved.

This is what sounds ideal to me just to break the drought.

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#16 of 36 Old 08-02-2012, 10:03 PM
 
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lurk.gif Love this post! I just put in my vote for a year. And, oh, what a looooong year it's been!

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#17 of 36 Old 08-11-2012, 01:36 PM
 
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I'm at 10 months now and going crazy!!!!! I've been single for 2 years now and DD is almost 3. I had a regular guy that I was hooking up with an was trying to wean myself off of him, but I might have to call him up tonite.lol He's actually a really good guy...for someone else. I just don't find him physically attractive (doesn't matter to me when the lights go out lol). If he were more attractive, I'd be married by now and pregnant. He is ready to settle down and so I have purposely been trying not to lead him on as I think I mightve unknowingly in the past.

 

So it's been just him and a 1 night stand in Miami that was AMAZING. A younger hottie who I had instant chemistry with. If he were local, whew!lol

 

I date pretty regularly but it's atypical for me to sleep with guys early on. No regrets about the one night stand though. That was actually a bucket list item for me.


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#18 of 36 Old 08-13-2012, 10:14 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mama Soltera View Post

It is not by choice. I think it is a shyness issue and a bad past experiences issue and also just not meeting too many people I'm very interested in.

v. similar here. suffering here too though i have learnt how to take care of my needs. however i just seem to meet the wrong people. one 'bad' experience spoilt it for me as the casual sex was 'bad'. i had absolutely no interest in it as i didnt really care for the person. i was just going in for the experience. learnt a lot about myself. 

 

i discover i have become very VERY choosy. cant stand needy men. i am able to see through people easily. and most of the men (they look great) but their emotional issues turn me off completely. 

 

i have met many who are interested in me - but ugh. no one really i am interested in myself. 


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#19 of 36 Old 08-18-2012, 11:15 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Meemee, I hear you, and I know people say it can be a problem when you're too picky, but there needs to be a spark, some common ground, some attraction. If there's nothing there, there's nothing there.

 

Honestly, lately I am much more at peace with being single right now. Being intimate with myself (who I've been intimate with my whole life) is really not cutting it, but I think something unsatisfying or negative would not be worth it. I'm willing to hold out for something good.

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#20 of 36 Old 08-21-2012, 10:24 AM
 
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I can go years without a partner.  There is plenty of "intimacy" one can give oneself.  :)

 

We are all different and there is no right or wrong time.

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#21 of 36 Old 08-21-2012, 11:46 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MaWhit View Post

There is plenty of "intimacy" one can give oneself.  :)

Yes, but after a while it starts feeling so empty. I mean, you have to think of someone right? That's kind of the whole point. I can try to think of myself but really it's just way too much of myself. Truly, my entire life, even when I'm partnered I "keep in touch." I need to share too though. lol

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#22 of 36 Old 08-23-2012, 06:40 PM
 
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5 years and counting but I don't have time or energy to date, I don't know how other moms pull it off. At the end of the day I'm to tired to think about it and pass out in bed with the kids and mine are 6 and 12! I wouldn't mind meeting someone though:)
 


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#23 of 36 Old 08-23-2012, 07:30 PM
 
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Yeah, I'd rather Mr. Right than Mr. Right now, for sure.
 

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#24 of 36 Old 08-25-2012, 12:11 AM
 
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Almost 2 months here! So not long at all really... I'm still pregnant and I really refuse to sleep with anyone but my child's father. Yet I'm posting in the Single Parents forum so that gravy train died out almost instantaneously after our last time even though we have this firey chemistry. He's simply a partner and a co-parent.

While all my energy lately has been focused on preparing for my baby, finishing up work (and transferring) and possibly starting my Masters program... it has crossed my mind. My BOB collection only does so much for me and I hate to say (as DP and I had an open relationship) I can and have had up to 2-3 partners in one period of time, I'm scared how I'll last.

I'm not done with casual sex, but I don't want multiple partners. Just one stable FWB. But that'll be awhile coming!

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#25 of 36 Old 09-18-2012, 10:20 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by provocativa View Post

Yeah, I'd rather Mr. Right than Mr. Right now, for sure.
 

Yes. It took me a while to feel good about that, but then I realized that is the only way I can feel good. And it has been much better. :)

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#26 of 36 Old 09-20-2012, 02:15 PM
 
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4 yrs and counting...but mostly likely it will be 5 yrs by the time I'm in a position to date again.  Plus the last 4 yrs of my marriage, we probably were only intimate four or five times total.  Bob is my friend.  2013...I will end the dry spell! 

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#27 of 36 Old 09-21-2012, 10:39 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Maybe it will happen on 12/21/2012! lol

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#28 of 36 Old 09-30-2012, 02:16 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MaWhit View Post

I can go years without a partner.  There is plenty of "intimacy" one can give oneself.  :)

 

We are all different and there is no right or wrong time.

Agreed!

 

I have gone years and could happily go many more years without sex to be honest. I have a lower sex drive and don't always enjoy it, in the past it has been mainly for my partner's benefit, and so I am content having fun on my own whenever I'm in that mood, I know best how to please myself after all it's my body!

 

Like pp said, we are all different and there is no right or wrong, I guess it all depends on what your sex drive is like as to whether or not you find it difficult to be celibate. 


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#29 of 36 Old 10-11-2012, 06:06 PM
 
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aghhh...I'm newly separated but dh and I were in a dry spell for years, I know it's silly there is so much else going on right now but I'm devastated at losing the possibility of anything other than solo for a while (I have an 8 mo and 2.5 yo I tandem nurse) I think I ahve a really high drive I've been squelching for dh for years and I've been trying os hard to be patient but now knowing I can't do that with him and would be unlikely to get involved with anyone else...sigh, this thread is rather discouraging in some ways :P I hear the people who are happy alone etc. I don't thibk I'll find that easy and I am extrenely independent, self-aware, etc. etc. so sorry op i have no real input except :P


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#30 of 36 Old 10-12-2012, 01:01 AM
 
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Doulawoman I'm right there with you. It is sad not to have someone to be naked with! How I would like it to be part of my life.
 

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