single mom by choice hes a looser ....so sad - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 5 Old 08-01-2012, 10:38 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Hey everyone im jessica so i had been with my now ex fiance for 8 years and it was just hell but i held on for the kids....i just couldnt take it anymore we constantly argued we never got along he was always in the bathroom on the laptop and i would go to work all day and he didint wanna do anything except sleep and go online. i was so unhappy and in june i finally decided this is it i cant do it anymore and told him we were done he freaked out he didint wanna leave he said he loved me and all this stuff and begged me not to find anyone else and had hope we would be together and he said he would change. H A... he was living with me and the kids of course at one of my parents apartments and he had no where else to go hes originally from north carolina and he ended up wanting to just go back there so anyhow he kept on for the first couple of weeks begging for me back and saying he wil change and he doesent want anyone else nobody could take my place....well guess what he has found someone new and now he doesent give a damn about nobody he doesent even try to call his kids at first we would go online and we would go on webcam so the kids could see and talk to him now he just doesent care im going crazy the kids are always asking for daddy im just so depressed and miserable and have nobody to talk to becase allll of my friends just got married and had kids and are just so happy :(  im just so sad not because he found someone because i do not want him back he was good for nothing he was so mean to me and everyone nobody was ever good enought for him .....im just sad for my kids and it doesent help he would keep blamming me saying its all my fault i did this i did this to my kids....but its better that hes not around we just argued what good was that doing to the kids....its just not fair how hes all happy and im over here miserable...how could he just ignore his kids now especially with what his mom has done to him kicked him out and ignored him when she went and got remarried and had kids..now hes doing it to his own...this life is not fair :/    everytime  i try to talk to him he just puts me down and says all this stuff and blocks me ...im trying to get along with him for the kids and he just doesent care now he just wants to be with his new little girlfriend.. sorry for all the rambling i just have to get it all out i hope to talk to you all....it would be nice to talk to others than have gone through similar things.

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#2 of 5 Old 08-01-2012, 11:37 AM
 
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Hi Jessica! Good for you for not backing down with all of that begging he did - you are so strong! I'm in the midst of separating from my x. It was hell, also, and I stayed 'for the sake of the kids' until I knew it was hurting them and me too much. So you're not alone.

 

I don't have expert advice because I'm still in the middle of it, but I have been doing so much reading about kids and separation, leaving and abuser - put downs and physically blocking you is abuse. Having an absent dad after separation is a common occurence with some abusers and there is good literature about how to talk to kids about these things and to understand their relationship with him. I suggest trying to get ahold of some recommended literature such as:

 

- Why Does He Do That, by Lundy Bancroft

- When Dad Hurts Mom, by Lundy Bancroft

 

You can spend time in a book store reading, library, or download ebooks if you have a smartphone for cheaper than buying a real book. 

 

While you may at this point feel this is extreme, you should visit your local battered women's society or call a domestic violence hotline. I say that it may feel extreme because it felt extreme the first time I forced myself to reach out to one. When you've become so used to abuse, it's hard to realize how not-normal it is.

 

As for what other people will think... I know this is hard for me, too. There is such stigma. If you can get in touch with an organization for domestic violence or something along those lines, they may have support groups. It really really has helped me to find other people who have experienced similar things. Once I started opening up to the people around me, so many stories began to spill out where I least expected it. I have found so many unexpected allies just by telling a few of the closest people to me. There is so much stigma that it's really ridiculous. And I'm pretty sure I was one of those stigmatizers. It's kind of a fluffy book, but I read 'Cutting Loose: Why Women Who End Their Marriages Do So Well' and it gave me a real boost and sense of security knowing that it truly does get better for us.

 

Good luck, mama!!! xo

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#3 of 5 Old 08-01-2012, 07:17 PM - Thread Starter
 
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thank you! yes it was hard to tell him its over weve been through a lot over the years..hes cheated on me lots of times we have broken up and gotten back together i dont even know how many times but everytime hes the one who left me. this time i did it and it felt good i feel free i still feel sad because of my kids i never in my life saw my life being the way it is i never thought id b a single mom. its honestly kind of embarassing to me :/ i feel kinda ashamed but i guess thats just because of my families views and stuff but i know i shouldnt a lot of people go though things like this.

i stayed and put up with him so long i just feel so broken and angry and sometimes take it out on people i shouldnt... i dont know what or how to tell the kids their very small still and dont really understand they just know daddy is gone.... he's always been around there hasnt been one day where they havent seen him so this is just a big shock my son has been acting out really bad.. my daughter shes only 2 she doesent even ask about him unless my son says something.... but its taking a toll on my son and i just dont know what to do to help him i try not to cry in front of them but sometimes it comes out... my son was crying the other day and hes only 4 but  i think he some what understands..hes confused....

 

thanks for recomending the books im gonna look them up and get them on ebooks for my iphone 

 

i think talking to someone would be a good idea because im just broken right now i dont even know what to do with myself at times and i feel so alone i have friends and family but still feel so alone. im starting to believe the things he had told me that id never find anyone and that nobody would ever love me like he had....... ugh 

i gotta be strong for my kids but its gonna take a little while i hope i can just get though this.

 

thanks so much for the advice!!! 

 

coming on here and reading some other stories has kinda helped me 

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#4 of 5 Old 08-01-2012, 07:27 PM
 
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I am a horrible typist myself. I really wanted to read your story but is is just not possible to read wall of text like that.

 

I think more people would chime in, if you used paragraph breaks and capital letters.

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#5 of 5 Old 08-11-2012, 07:10 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Alenushka View Post

I am a horrible typist myself. I really wanted to read your story but is is just not possible to read wall of text like that.

 

I think more people would chime in, if you used paragraph breaks and capital letters.

I have to agree unfortunately (sorry). I tried to read it but my short attention span kicked in after 4 lines.


First-time mama due on Dec 3rd 2009!
Update: Baby girl born Nov 19th!
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