Anyone else here the cause of their marriage failing? - Mothering Forums

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Old 08-29-2012, 02:34 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Most of the posts here about cheating seem to be about cheating husbands or boyfriends.  I am looking for mamas who are the cheaters - because I am, and it's a lonely, crappy place to be.  I get enough judgement from people I know who know about it, and I'm here because this forum is usually pretty supportive.  I just feel like I'm going crazy and want to know other's experiences. 

 

Long story short.  I had an affair with a co-worker.  So cliche!  Anyway, it lasted about five months or so.  I was pregnant at the time.  Now he's gone from the company and I'm on maternity leave.  My husband and I have been together for 13 years, married for 3.  The affair was the classic "the spark is gone" kind of thing but I love my husband and we do really well together.  He's a wonderful man and an awesome father and I want to be married to him forever.  BUT, I'm feeling really isolated and lonely in the aftermath.  I have a five week old baby (who I am crazy in love with), and a 3-year-old (who I also love like crazy but he's 3 so it can be more difficult at times) and feel really cooped up and like I don't really have an outlet for my feelings.  I don't have a lot of friends at my disposal.  They all have kids too or are super pregnant or moving away... they are there for me but I don't want to bother them when they have so much going on.  My husband and I talk about the affair, mostly our own feelings - we check in on each other, but he's dealing with his part of it and I'm dealing with mine.  Sometimes I just feel like I'm going to explode because I need to talk about everything that went down but I keep it inside.

 

I had promised not the see the other guy ever again, and not to have any contact.  My husband had been monitoring my email and phone and texts and even reading my diary, which is really my only honest outlet for myself and what I'm thinking.  He had promised not to read it anymore, but I knew he'd still monitor everything else.  That  bothered me, but it wasn't a big deal because I wasn't hiding anything.  Until last week.  I had a moment where I thought, "I have to talk to someone about what I'm feeling or I'm going to go crazy."  So I called the other guy up.  We met at a park, I told him that I was feeling bad, he said he felt bad too but what was he supposed to do?  And I left.  It was a five minute, pointless conversation, and a terrible idea to talk to him, and I don't know why he agreed to meet me.  Nothing good came of it.  But, stupid me, I wrote of the encounter in my journal and my husband read it.  And now I feel like we're back in that panic-enducing (for me) stage of seperation.  And I just don't know what to do.  We're going to see our counselor again in two days, but I don't think he wants to stay together.  I want to swear up and down that I would never do something so stupid ever again.  But words don't mean a lot, it's my actions that count.  I know I will never talk to/call/text/email the other guy again, but my husband doesn't believe me, and I can't fault him for that.

 

Anyway... I don't know what anyone could say about this but I am hoping at least part of this rings familiar with someone out there.   Long story not so short.

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Old 08-29-2012, 08:49 PM
 
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I've not been in your situation, butyou are obviously going through a lot.  I have had friends that have been the one who had the affair and these situations are never as easy or simple as they seem to those on the outside.

 

Can you see a counsellor too?  It would be helpful to have someone neutral to talk to about things.  Cheating and affairs are not creating in a bubble - whatever was going on before it happened is likely still there for you and instead of taking action that create outcomes you really don't want -- it might be best to address your issues of happiness, self-worth, repsect, committment etc. with someone who is a trained professional.

 

It seems like a challenging situation and I want to send you a little support and encouragement while you and your family find your way through this -- whatever way that may be.

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Old 08-30-2012, 06:21 AM
 
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You have an extremely full plate--dealing with the aftermath, recovering from childbirth, two little ones to care for, and a fractured relationship with your husband.  Absolutely, he should NOT be reading  your diary.  You need somewhere to go with your feelings and you have nowhere to go.  From his pov, he's feeling scared and is trying to control your every move.  From your pov, you are trapped and caged.  It isn't working.

 

Please try counseling for you and couples' counseling for both of  you.  Your husband may also want counseling for himself.  Counseling is sort of like the valve on a pressure cooker--it lets off enough pressure that you don't explode.

 

A couple of thoughts about affairs--first, they are symptoms of things that are already wrong.  In my own marriage, it was dh who had an affair. My first reaction was to be the wounded innocent, but further examination laid part of the responsibility on me.  Yes, things were very wrong between  us, we'd settled into a pattern of stuffing it all under the rug, and the affair was the end result.  Another thought--control in a marriage is completely destructive. Your dh has to deal with his pain and anxiety, but controlling you/monitoring you/spying on you will destroy everything. This is where counseling comes in--both of you learn new patterns, better thinking, better relating.

 

Hold your head up, take care of yourself, remember we all have sinned in one way or another, and find a good counselor to help both of you sort through all of this.  No one should trash you--especially you, yourself!!!  This situation is not a pass for your dh to control/spy on  you--the relationship has to be healthy to survive. 

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Old 09-03-2012, 01:07 PM
 
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Counseling will definatly help- it  help you sort out your feelings and help you figure out what you really want and need.

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Old 09-04-2012, 08:09 PM
 
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I don't really have any advice because I was cheated on, I wasn't the cheater.  But both ends of the spectrum suck I'm sure.  And I can hear the fear and guilt in your post.  I hope that you guys are able to work something out because it sounds like both of you are hurting right now.  I know I was devastated.


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Old 10-19-2012, 02:05 PM
 
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Hmm, I don't think you are "the cause" for your marriage failing. Honestly. You have to look into why you did what you did - and w/professional help. It was obviously not your intent to hurt your husband. It could've been a way for you to scream out that you were hoping for intimacy, affection - and not just of the physical type either.  Marriage is worth fighting for - but you cannot survive in a one-sided relationship. I know. I've been there. I think you have to evaluate all that you've been through, especially with small children, it is soooo easy and understandable to feel trapped. Then, you figure, your hubby should/would/ is supposed to be there for you, esp. during such a vulnerable period of time. I recommend that you both go to individual and joint marital counseling to give it your all before anything is done.

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Old 10-22-2012, 10:37 AM
 
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Originally Posted by FlyAway View Post

 It was obviously not your intent to hurt your husband.

Yes, it was. She had an affair. If she was unhappy (or just bored apparently), there are other options available that don't involve doing something deliberately to hurt the other person.

 

My husband had an affair that I found out about 18 months ago. We're still married and actually have a much stronger marriage, but a sticking point for me was that he did something KNOWING he was hurting me (and, it turns out, endangering me physically) and doing it anyway. I don't believe that the problems in a marriage are the problem of one person, but having an affair is not a legitimate response to marital problems, just as some people drink or work too much to stay away. They're coping mechanisms, but they're poor ones. 

 

As far as I'm concerned, the person who cheated should feel badly for a long time because the choice was a bad one. I'll also be honest and say that my line in the sand was that if my husband ever, ever initiated or responded to any contact with her that I would be gone. He would deserve that because he knew what emotional devastation his affair had wrought.  If I were your husband, I would feel like in a time of trying to save your marriage, you turned to the person with whom you had an affair to help you feel better. That would be the end of things for me, having been in your husband's shoes.

 

Yes, I'm sure it sounds harsh to read it. I don't think having an affair defines a person forever (though my husband disagrees and says that it showed him that he could be someone he hated), but I don't think it's acceptable to have contact again and then lie by omission about it. You saw the person you cheated with and didn't tell your husband. You lied...again. Why should he trust you? That's an honest question that you need to ask yourself. What about you is trustworthy? Why should your husband forgive you? Will he ever be able to believe you again? Should he?

 

I also felt - and DH agreed - that he had no right to expect privacy after what he'd done. I'm sorry, but you cannot violate someone's trust like that and then want to continue on as if everything's okay because it's not. DH did journal, and I didn't read it because I knew he needed it. I also knew by then that he was committed to things being over. It wasn't immediately after the affair. I never went through his email, phone, etc. before the affair, but I made him well aware immediately following that I would reserve that right essentially forever. His staying was contingent on him understanding that the latitude that he'd always had was no more. Things have relaxed a lot in the last 6 months or so, but in that first year, my heartbreak was too strong to have tolerated him having contact with her again.


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Old 10-22-2012, 01:42 PM
 
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I am going to be honest, you need extensive counseling to attempt to fix things and you must never allow yourself to be alone with other men. You have boundary issues and the last person to discuss feelings with is the other man. He is an enemy of the marriage. Please read books from Dr. Harley and the marriage builder books are great.

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Old 10-23-2012, 12:57 PM
 
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Originally Posted by VisionaryMom View Post

Yes, it was. She had an affair. If she was unhappy (or just bored apparently), there are other options available that don't involve doing something deliberately to hurt the other person.

 

proverbial straw that broke the camels back.... cheating doesn't happen for no reason. It's NEVER one person's fault.

And she really doesn't need you laying a guilt trip on her because you were cheated on. Thats like me telling you that you were *bad* and thats why your husband cheated. Nobody needs that crap. My mom told me something valuable once. If you can't say anything nice....don't say it at all.

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Old 10-27-2012, 09:10 PM
 
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Listen... life happens. If you were in a place where you felt the choice to cheat was a legitimate one, obviously there is a lot wrong in your marriage. Don't feel guilty about it ~ we all learn and grow every day.

 

Two things:

 

1. Decide whether or not you want to be with your husband forever.

2. Hide your journal or write it on your computer password protected so you can have some privacy.

 

I wish you peace and blessings, Mama.


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Old 11-05-2012, 12:29 PM
 
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Don't feel guilty about it?

Guilt happens when we do something that is destructive to ourselves and others and having an affair is destructive.

I don't think the OP has any understanding of the devastation she's caused her husband and now her children, as her marriage is likely to fail.

 

Turning to your adultery partner for comfort is a horrific violation of trust after the affair. Complaining of feeling 'controlled' is a sign that this OP just doesn't get it.

 

I find some of the blase responses on here annoying.

She's entitled to have an affair because she's bored or restless or what? Or her marriage is less than perfect?

 

You feel entitled, OP. To do whatever you want no matter how it affects others.

Reflect on that so it doesn't ruin your family any more than it already has.

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Old 11-05-2012, 08:12 PM
 
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It sounds to me like you really need to see a councilor on your own, not just because you need to talk about the affair and it's aftermath, but because you are lonely and feel very isolated and watche3d by your husband. What you did was wrong, you are more than well aware of that. Now you need help working through what lead you to have an affair, and what is holding you back from being happy in your role as a wife and mother, and to help ypu find your balance again.

 

Please do not be put off from coming to this forum for support. It is obvious you need friends and they can be found here!

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Old 11-11-2012, 08:13 PM
 
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I agree w/ prior posters that you should get a therapist for just you - not the person you see for couple's counseling. I think there is some work to do about what led you to the affair and what choices you want to make this point forward. It is understandable that your husband is having trouble trusting you, and I'm sure reading that you met w/ the other man didn't help. OTOH, at some point there has to be an agreement about trust again - that you can keep your diary or make phone calls or whatever w/o being constantly monitored. I'm also sure that you find yourself in a very scary place right now, because the possibility of having a marriage fall apart is scary in and of itself, and even more so when you have young children involved. A therapist will also give you a neutral ear and someone to talk to, at a time when you are feeling issolated and disconnected.

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Old 11-11-2012, 08:53 PM
 
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I think you should reach out to your friends. Even if they are busy with little ones.... so are you! And you need someone to talk to besides a journal and a therapist. Could you have contacted one of your friends instead of the man you had an affair with? Don't worry about bothering them or whatever, if they're true friends they'll listen.

 

I hope too, that you can eventually connect with someone who is in a similar situation to commiserate. hug2.gif


Single student mama to dd 5/04 and ds 11/07.

 

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Old 11-17-2012, 06:04 PM
 
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Originally Posted by choochymama View Post

Don't feel guilty about it?

Guilt happens when we do something that is destructive to ourselves and others and having an affair is destructive.

I don't think the OP has any understanding of the devastation she's caused her husband and now her children, as her marriage is likely to fail.

 

Turning to your adultery partner for comfort is a horrific violation of trust after the affair. Complaining of feeling 'controlled' is a sign that this OP just doesn't get it.

 

I find some of the blase responses on here annoying.

She's entitled to have an affair because she's bored or restless or what? Or her marriage is less than perfect?

 

You feel entitled, OP. To do whatever you want no matter how it affects others.

Reflect on that so it doesn't ruin your family any more than it already has.

 

Her feelings are perfectly valid. People don't just have affairs for no reason. It has nothing to do with feeling entitled, it has to do with feeling lonely, afraid, and hopeless.

 

As I said, guilt is not helpful. Learning and growing are.


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Old 11-17-2012, 07:11 PM
 
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I'm not sure if the OP is still checking this thread because it was from August... but if you're out there and would benefit from private messaging someone, I'm all yours. I hope trust is rebuilding in your relationship and that your DH is not longer monitoring you. It must make you feel trapped.


Jean, feminist mama raising three boys: W (7), E (5) and L (2.15.13)

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