New here! Been a single parent for over a year. XH snoops in my room when he is watching the baby..... >:@ - Mothering Forums

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Old 09-02-2012, 07:20 AM - Thread Starter
 
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XH does not have a place that he can take the baby to even after a year. He lives with a family member and does not have a bed or even a toy there for the baby. The baby has never been there. He is debt free, but he tells everyone he has no money because I kicked him out and took everything. I have 2 mortgages, 2 heat and lights, 2 property taxes, the credit card, car payment, 3 insurances, etc because his credit was so aweful everything had to be in my name. He messed up his credit and then tried to work on mine behind my back.

 

I honestly have been over the top good about all of this. I let him watch the baby in my house. And if he ever wants to see her all he has to do is let me know. The answer has always been yes. He cancels a lot when it comes to seeing her. I do not bad mouth him around town at all. He has told people that he didn't make enough money for me, and that is SOOOO far from the truth. I could care less.

 

So, lately I've noticed that things in my bedroom have been moved around a bit. I asked him if he was in my room, he said the cat was in there, so he let her out. I know for a fact she wasn't in there.... So I put things in front of the door and when I came home, they were not in the same place. And it happened quite often. But last night I also found that he had been snooping in my, um, toy box!?! This kid is sick! I am soooo pissed off that he would snoop when I have been sooo nice and let him into my home so he can see his daughter, even after him trashing me around town. But to go through that box..... more than once I might add...... is disgusting! AND what can I do? I need him to look after the baby when I work outside of daycare hours..... and he won't get his place set for his kid.... he will wait till his gf gets a place and he'll move in with her. UGH. I want to catch him on camera or something, but he is such a liar he would just tell people im crazy or something. Am I really gonna have to put a lock on my own bedroom door, in my own house????? This is crazy. Any thoughts?

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Old 09-02-2012, 08:05 AM
 
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You are going to have to either install a lock on your bedroom door or not let your ex use your house for his parenting time.  Given the situation that you are in, I would go with the lock route.  And if he complains, simply ask:  Why do you care?  You have already stated that you don't go in there to snoop so a lock on the door should have no impact at all on you. 

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Old 09-02-2012, 03:46 PM
 
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I put a lock on my bedroom door when I was in a similiar situation with my EX.  It made him furious, but it was necessary.  

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Old 09-02-2012, 04:56 PM
 
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A lock is a good option but I think you have some bigger issues to address. Do you have a lawyer? Your ex must provide a space for your dd. You should not have to cover for his financial inadequacy and a lawyer could help you sort through that. Your ex is taking advantage of you in several ways and there must be a way out of it for you. If he wants time with his child he has to step up to the plate and provide a place for her to be with him. He can go out and buy her a bed, toys, whatever she needs. If he refuses to provide anything but his time to his child I am not sure he is entitled to that time with her. Please speak with a lawyer to find out what your and your daughter's rights are - more might be possible than you think.

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Old 09-03-2012, 06:04 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I ended up putting a lock on my bedroom door last night before he came over to watch her. He said absolutely nothing, so I knew he knew he was busted.

 

I do have a lawyer, and at $200/hr, I've only seen her once. But honestly, she was like well he doesn't make alot of money, and he is paying WAY more than he needs to in child support (um, he pays her daycare). But what she doesn't realize is I know how much money he makes and I know he is debt free because I have all of the debt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So there is NO excuse for his laziness. She did say he was a loser though. She said she would suggest that if I did get a CO that I go with myself as primary parent, and give him full access (which is exactly what he are doing) but she said his lawyer would advise him to get an actual visitation schedule. If with full access, he only asks to see her maybe once a week, for a few hours, usually between meal times unless his mom or sister is cooking... then I don't feel she would benefit from him being forced to do more. The guy won't even bath her unless I specifically tell him to. Now he has a gf who has no brains at all from what I've been told (seriously, one of my friends thought there was something wrong with her when they first met her, and that was BEFORE I told her that she is his new gf.....) He's got her doing his laundry and bringing it folded up to his WORK!!! (and BTW he works for my family.....) I feel so terrible for that girl. I think he should be completely ashamed of himself. But I also feel like I am the only chance my little girl has at being a strong, educated, smart, woman because she won't get that from this new one thats for sure.....My mother has CA, and his family is just aweful. So I will show baby girl how to take on this world :D

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Old 09-03-2012, 01:28 PM
 
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 So I will show baby girl how to take on this world :D

There you go!!

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Old 09-04-2012, 06:23 PM
 
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I do have a lawyer,. But honestly, she was like well he doesn't make alot of money, and he is paying WAY more than he needs to in child support (um, he pays her daycare). But what she doesn't realize is I know how much money he makes and I know he is debt free because I have all of the debt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

 

CHANGE LAWYERS!

 

you need a lawyer that is on YOUR side and on the side of your child.   This is not a laughing matter.  You have the wrong lawyer.  

I went to someone at first that I would describe as 'weak'.  I knew my xh would not be 'scared' of her.  I knew my kids would not have the same life they had before the divorce or even close.  

 

I then was given the advice to pick the laywer I would not want my xh to have.  I hated dropping the first lawyer but once it was done it didn't matter anymore.  I picked the absolute best and scariest lawyer I could possibly find.   I was also given the advice that I should treat my lawyer like a secretary.  Basically I tell my lawyer what I want and insist on it happening.  When I think about my own case and how complicated it was and how much 'evidence' and documentation there was - well the ONLY way any lawyer could sort through it all is if I spoon fed it to them in exactly the way I needed it to be seen.  The laywer would have literally had to spend all of his time on my case but he had tens of other cases going on at the same time - so how could any one person possibly do it if it's not you.  

 

You say "what she doesn't realize is I know how much he makes...:"  BUT if she is your lawyer you MUST insist that she take in this information - She is your lawyer - but it sounds like she's working for him.   You must be strong here.   Do not get walked on!  And do not simply wait for your lawyer to tell you what to do - you tell her!!!!!  (sorry if I offend any lawyers - I don't mean you don't know what you're doing - I mean that just like with your doctor you must do your own homework first and not just accept what they say as the truth - and sometimes you need a second opinion). 

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Old 09-04-2012, 08:52 PM
 
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Yes, get a new lawyer.  Document that he has no house to take her to. Document how much money he makes.  Find someone else to watch her when you work late.  Get a court order.  

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Old 09-05-2012, 04:06 AM
 
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Yes, get a new lawyer.  Document that he has no house to take her to. Document how much money he makes.  Find someone else to watch her when you work late.  Get a court order.  

 

My ex lives with his parents and has since we split.  My kids are 10 and almost 13.  One's a boy, one's a girl.  When he first moved back almost 7 years ago, his brother was still living at home. When overnights finally started, all three of them shared the same room.  And when his brother moved out, the kids shared the brother's old room.  To this day. 

 

The courts aren't going to care as long as the kids are safe and not around drug addicts.  And a court is very likely to go with a parent over a babysitter when it comes to the kids. 

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Old 09-05-2012, 06:29 PM
 
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Hmmm...our judge did care that everyone had a place to live, and an appropriate place for visitation.  But we drew a very conservative judge. 
 

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Old 09-05-2012, 06:45 PM
 
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Hmmm...our judge did care that everyone had a place to live, and an appropriate place for visitation.  But we drew a very conservative judge. 
 

 

It may also depend on how often the kids go to the other parent.  My ex has EOW with no overnights during the week.  To be honest, I don't think that your case is the norm. 

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Old 09-05-2012, 07:17 PM
 
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My ex lives with his parents and has since we split.  My kids are 10 and almost 13.  One's a boy, one's a girl.  When he first moved back almost 7 years ago, his brother was still living at home. When overnights finally started, all three of them shared the same room.  And when his brother moved out, the kids shared the brother's old room.  To this day. 

 

The courts aren't going to care as long as the kids are safe and not around drug addicts.  And a court is very likely to go with a parent over a babysitter when it comes to the kids. 

 I really do not think kids of different genders at those ages should be sharing a room!! Are they those ages now? I would return to court with a motion that each child has their own room.

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Old 09-06-2012, 04:08 PM
 
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 I really do not think kids of different genders at those ages should be sharing a room!! Are they those ages now? I would return to court with a motion that each child has their own room.

 

Yes, and I have no intention of going to court over something that I consider to be frivolous.  Sorry, but it's more important that they spend time with their Dad and that is something that the court will very likely agree with.  It's not like they get changed in the same room.  They don't. 

 

BTW, I live in a two bedroom apartment.  In the summer, my kids share a room as that is the only room with the ac.  In the winter, my daughter sleeps on the bunk in my room. 

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Old 09-06-2012, 07:30 PM
 
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No, ours is not the norm because my X is an alcoholic and had supervised visits for a year and a half.  Also, my judge is one of the most conservative family court judges in the state, and his dad was an alcoholic.  If I could get a witness to XH violating his court order and drinking in front of the kids, this judge would likely suspend his visitation for awhile.  You never know what judge you are going to draw in these cases, and a good lawyer will know all the biases of the judges s/he tries cases before, and should be able to present a case towards those biases.

 

I tend to disagree that time with a crappy parent is always better, but I come to that perspective as an abuse survivor.  My X is actually doing much better than I expected with the kids, other than his substance abuse issues.  There is some validity to the point that a parent who cannot keep an appropriate roof over his head is not a fit parent, and might need to be supervised during visits. 
 

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Old 09-06-2012, 08:28 PM
 
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I tend to disagree that time with a crappy parent is always better, but I come to that perspective as an abuse survivor. 
 

 

 

You are not the only who is an abuse survivor.  I am, as well. 

 

One can be  crappy parent and not be abusive.  My aunt's ex is an example of that.  He's not abusive, he just isn't a good parent (neither is she, but that's another story) and has very poor judgement. 

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Old 09-07-2012, 06:26 AM
 
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And a crappy parent legally has a right to see their kids, of course.  And one can make the argument that living with extended family is a positive thing.  However, I do think that the inability or unwillingness to provide a home of one's own can really be indicative of mental illness, and that the situation needs to be watched an monitored for red flags. Being incapable or unwilling to  provide a toy or kid-friendly space in for one's child seems to me a reflection of mental space for the child as well.  I see nothing wrong with a parent living in a small space...when my parents got divorced and my mom had been a homemaker for 20 years, we had a 2 br apt and my bro slept in one br, we girls in another, and my mom slept on a pull-out couch.   My ex lives in a small house with 4 rooms, and a great big bed in one room.  If he ever takes me to court to get overnights, I will certainly push for him to make one of the other rooms into a room for the girls. 

 

As for the OP, I do think you need to call legal aid to see if you qualify, and find a lawyer.  You should be able to get a consultation for cheaper than 200 bucks.  If there is no abuse, then the dad would likely be awarded more parenting time, just as your lawyer said.  In the meantime, I would never rely on him for childcare when you need it.  Find someone else to watch her when you work outside of daycare hours. Treat life as if you have to provide for everything, and his time with her is just gravy.  This will really lower your stress level as far as he is concerned, even if it initially causes some stress. 

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