Any Single Mamas Who Choose Not to Date? - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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#31 of 43 Old 01-26-2013, 08:18 AM
 
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Omg, seriously? Do these guys get that they are parents too? And umm it isn't the 1600s anymore?
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#32 of 43 Old 03-08-2013, 10:01 AM
 
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I am just enjoying my time with my son right now. Honestly, my life is so busy that I don't even think about it. I do flirt and that is fun but nothing close to even dating. I have been asked out once and I turned him down. I am in such a happy place and I am building my life again. I don't want any other distractions right now.Maybe down the road..don't know. I do know I will never get married again. That is FOR SURE!!!

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#33 of 43 Old 05-18-2013, 10:18 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Banana731 View Post

I am not a single mother, but as the adult child of celibate single mother, I will share my thoughts if it's okay.

My father died of cancer when I was a preschooler. I also have a sister who is about a decade older than I am from a previous relationship of
our Mother's, though he was uninvolved in her life, and my father adopted her when my parents were married (after something like 8 years of being together).

My mother was adamant that my father was the love of her life, and that the part of her that needed a partner, died when he did. She never dated. My father was cannonized and my mom put everything she had into me (my sister was a teen and left for college a couple of years after he died). My mother did a good job raising me, she is a loving parent, but I think that her life would have better if it had not been solely devOted to me. Dont get me wrong, she had friends, hobbies, a work life she enjoyed (most of the time!) But I could always see a loneliness in her that she could never shake. And even though she never said or even implied that I should, I felt a need to fill that void for her. I was always worried about loving her enough, because I knew that I was all she really had. And when I got older and started Pulling away, as teens do to find their own sense of self, I was wracked with guilt when I would do something that made her upset with me. I think more guilt than was nessecary for doing "kid things." Our relationship was really strained for a few years when I was a young adult, because I had to get out from under all that guilt I made for myself but at the same time I felt terrible for leaving her all alone.

Relationships with men were difficult for me too. My mother raised me to be strong and an independent thinker, so it's not that I got into a ton of abusive relationships, but I had no model. I didn't understand the give and take of relationships. I had always been the sole focus of my mother's life, and I suppose that I expected my way to be the only way in my other relationships too. I also grew up with stories of the sun and the moon setting in my dad, and I tended to fall in love a little too easily and too hard. I think it would have been good for me to understand that it was okay to not expect "a love of my life."

I'm sure that had our communication about relationships been more honest, or heck- more existent, that I could have avoided some of the latter issues. And I am in no way saying that you need to go out and get yourself partner for the sake of your kids. I think making yourself okay after losing someone you love, or leaving an unhealthy relationship, is completely understandable. And I'm sure that can take a long long time for some. It certainly Is wonderful too, to focus on your kids, especially if your focus has been strained by difficulties in other relationships. But we can't be the best parent for our kids unless we focus on us too. I knew that I was everything to my mom, and it was a hard burden to bear, even though she never Expected me to bear it. I just thought I should. I loved my mom and wanted her to be happy. Our kids ultimately our their own, and they have to be free to be that. I didn't feel free to pull away gently into my own person, as it seemed others did at that age. But it had to happen, so it did, all at once and was a shock to both of us.

I really don't mean to hurt anyone's feelings, or minimize them. I guess my hope in sharing all this is that you leave your heart open to the possible. It would have been nice for my mom to find someone she could share her life with, I still wish she would have not shut that part of herself down. I don't think she was any happier for it. And I don't think my dad would have wanted that.

I too, came from a single parent home, raised by mom, dad a ONS sperm donor pretty much, doesn't know I exist. I have an older sister with the same circumstances. My mom only brought 1 guys around us my whole life and that was just a couple times. She never really dated, she had the one BF that I remember, and had ONS etc. but guys were not brought around. I had uncles in my life but not the same as a father figure or seeing the dynamics of a romatnic  relationship. I was extremely attached to my mom she died when I was 21. By 22 I was married to xdh. I married the first serious boyfriend I had ever had, very quickly. I had no guide and no one to tell me not to. No one in my family ever suggested I was doing something haste. Xdh and I barely knew each other when we married. I too was used to getting my way all the time, my mom did everything for me and my sister. I did not know anything about marriage, nothing. And things were pretty dysfunctional.

 

I am now single and my greatest fear is that my kids will never see a healthy relationship modeled for them and they will grow up and have dysfunctional relationships as well. I hope to someday in the near future have a healthy relationship with a man that leads to an eventual marriage. But for now I am choosing to be single. I tried to date during and just after my divorce and dating someone who was way too clingy and needy. I realized pretty fast I could not handle that emtional strain. I have chosen to work on myself so that down the road I will attract healthier more emotionally stable men. I am getting my life in order, going to school and taking care of 2 kids i have 5/6 days a week and no I am not lonely, but sometimes I do miss the sex and intimacy and companionship but it isn't as bad as more time goes by.


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#34 of 43 Old 05-20-2013, 06:47 AM
 
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I had some nibbles but they were always in portland where I was for work about a week out of every few months.

I never dated much and to be honest the thought of a "date" makes me weak and sweaty. LOL.

I generally argued that nibbles in PDX were bad idea because of distance and all that.

 

I also suspect that i'm WAAAYY hotter in portland than here in texas. but I also worked from home and seldom saw adults, and I really don't have friends since I was working 20hrs a day a lot of the time and the kids. So it's not like I got out and met people.

 

I dunno....part of me isn't getting any cuter and the TWO men i've dated (first bf and ex) never wanted sex. So would be nice to make up for lost time. But all the men i've been with were whiny and depressed and just put all their crap on ME. I'm very happy with the kids and I can do whatever I want and not have to answer to any adults for moving a bookcase etc.

 

What really drives me nuts though is my younger sister is totally uptight and granny panty wearing chick who cannot be alone. She gloms onto men and gets all wrapped up in them emotionally. She says she needs a night of space and then calls me crying because GUY didn't come over, call or text....or obsess about how they don't love her as much as she loves them, or says how they fawn over how she's so sexy/pretty but she doesn't know if they REALLY mean it.

(i've been subject to hours and hours and hours of this, if you hadn't guessed)

The last guy left his WIFE for her, and then after ehh...maybe a year? she dumped him and then tried to kill herself over him.

 

Now she's txting me (they broke up maybe 8 months ago, she's been doing a couple "dates" and only got out of loony bin in may?) about how I don't understand because i'm "frigid" and she's really horny and I just don't have as high of a sex drive.

 

Meanwhile i'm worried i'm going to break my hitachi and my tastes vary quite a bit past vanilla. I think the people who know me well enough would say that I have a *really* high sex drive.

 

I'm about *this* close to unhinging on my sis to be honest, I just feel ....I dunno, insulted because she assumes that because I have I dunno...standards and I don't NEED a man to make myself feel good about myself (emotionally) that i'm FRIGID? ugh!

 

I had a bit of a dalience immediately after seperation, but it's been gosh....close to 4yrs since I've even kissed anyone.

Between dates freaking me out and whole independence/kids issue....I dunno. I really don't.

 

I met a guy in portland actually, about 2.5 years ago. he was a sales rep, actually. and we had a INSTANT connection. Never felt like that about anyone...ever. He begged me to go out with him but I was nervous, heading back to tx, and had issue with considering dating LD. a girl from his past re-appeared before I'd returned to PDX and I got (really tactfully done I must say) tossed aside. Didn't speak to him for gosh....6+ months, then met him for lunch....and everytime I was in town he'd take me out to dinner etc.

There was long lingering hugs, staring into my eyes, gushing over my intel/body/etc, sharing of food and drinks (we split a beer even...hehe) and the last time I saw him he circled the block for an hour or more trying to convince me I ought to sleep with him, and convince himself it was the wrong thing to do.

He was still dating girl, which he didn't mention until later, but I couldn't cut off communication because he was our sales rep....

 

I keep pondering a CL ad asking a guy to come over and bang me like screen door in hurricaine and take the trash to the curb on his way out. LOL. thats about all I want from a guy right now anyway.....heh.

 

Lol I personally loved this post, especially the bolded.

 

Anyway I'm going to be a single mom soon and I will not date until my youngest is at least 12 and that's only if I find someone...perfect. Lol so not likely. I'm looking forward to my freedom.


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#35 of 43 Old 08-02-2013, 09:05 PM
 
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My last relationship was last year. We were on an off for about 3 years. I've always been a stressed out person, but when I'm dating a man it seems to be worse. This year I have been totally single and I'm totally fine with that. Of course, there are certain things that I miss about a man, but not enough to want to date anytime soon. Maybe it will happen in the future. If it doesn't, I will be ok. I really want to work on me getting better and getting my life straight. 


I'm a single, self-employed, homeschooling mom of 2 great kids. Girl 9/95 and Boy 3/99.
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#36 of 43 Old 08-04-2013, 02:38 PM
 
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My last relationship was last year. We were on an off for about 3 years. I've always been a stressed out person, but when I'm dating a man it seems to be worse. This year I have been totally single and I'm totally fine with that. Of course, there are certain things that I miss about a man, but not enough to want to date anytime soon. Maybe it will happen in the future. If it doesn't, I will be ok. I really want to work on me getting better and getting my life straight. 

Sounds like a great plan, that is what I am doing too!


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#37 of 43 Old 08-04-2013, 04:19 PM
 
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I have no interest in dating or a relationship and don't feel like I could ever allow anyone the chance to hurt me again. Maybe some day I will feel differently, but, right now it doesn't seem so. 

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#38 of 43 Old 08-04-2013, 04:44 PM
 
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I have a pretty low opinion of men in general right now. Maybe in 10-20 years some man will come around and prove me wrong. I doubt it.


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#39 of 43 Old 08-20-2013, 01:39 PM
 
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 I am still trying to avoid dating but this single mama had a nice kissing session this weekend! Okay yeah I miss it =( and the guy is definitely not someone I could date due to complications, don't worry he is single, just other complications I would rather not mention.  I have met him before and there was always a spark so to speak, grhh! Must resist menzzzzz!!! duck.gifBut it is hard, even when I am practically a recluse, have my kids most the time and avoid online dating like the plague. My friend also wants to send me on a date with here bil when I am ready to date! Yikes, and what is up with all the guys in my new hood saying 'hi' and smiling at me lately? I guess I am open to a date if I am asked and interested, but I am definitely not seeking it out! So I am still staying in the not dating thread for now!


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#40 of 43 Old 08-25-2013, 04:55 PM
 
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Well I'm a single mom (27). And I have a son who is 10 months, his dad and I broke up when he was 3months due to domestic violence in the relationship. Just to even think about dating makes me sick. Right now Im at the point where I HATE MEN (and hell no I'm not gay and u don't intend to go dipping in the lady pond ... no offense to anyone in that lifestyle..I believe you are free to love whoever you want to love). This last relationship changed my whole view on men. I believe they are all liers and manipulaters, and they are just out to please themselves whether its in the form of money, sex, etc.

I NEVER thought in a million years lol I would be that women who hates men. But sorry I ended up with a fool who changed my whole view.

My family says I'm still young and they encourage me to have an open heart and recieve love . They say my soul mate is out there, and no one is meant to be alone. Um NICE words but I will pass. Last time I open my heart to someone I ended up hurt and broken down to the point I didn't he know myself anymore. YES MY HEART IS BLACK. And its going to stay that way because that's the only way I can protect myself .

Yes. I'm raising a son but thank GOD I have positive male role models in my family.

I choose not to date because I'm suffering from a lot of hurt . Im bitter. Im mad. Im Angry. And right now the only LOVE I need is the LOVE my son gives me. Lol I think GOD himself would have to come to earth amd literally tell me it time to date again. So with this said, I Guess I will be a Single Mom forever !!!!!

Singlemoms ROCK !!!! :-D
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#41 of 43 Old 08-25-2013, 10:59 PM
 
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Well I'm a single mom (27). And I have a son who is 10 months, his dad and I broke up when he was 3months due to domestic violence in the relationship. Just to even think about dating makes me sick. Right now Im at the point where I HATE MEN (and hell no I'm not gay and u don't intend to go dipping in the lady pond ... no offense to anyone in that lifestyle..I believe you are free to love whoever you want to love). This last relationship changed my whole view on men. I believe they are all liers and manipulaters, and they are just out to please themselves whether its in the form of money, sex, etc.

I NEVER thought in a million years lol I would be that women who hates men. But sorry I ended up with a fool who changed my whole view.

My family says I'm still young and they encourage me to have an open heart and recieve love . They say my soul mate is out there, and no one is meant to be alone. Um NICE words but I will pass. Last time I open my heart to someone I ended up hurt and broken down to the point I didn't he know myself anymore. YES MY HEART IS BLACK. And its going to stay that way because that's the only way I can protect myself .

Yes. I'm raising a son but thank GOD I have positive male role models in my family.

I choose not to date because I'm suffering from a lot of hurt . Im bitter. Im mad. Im Angry. And right now the only LOVE I need is the LOVE my son gives me. Lol I think GOD himself would have to come to earth amd literally tell me it time to date again. So with this said, I Guess I will be a Single Mom forever !!!!!

Singlemoms ROCK !!!! :-D

I understand completely, I definitely jumped into dating too soon after my divorce. I think the longer i am single the pickier i become too. And with kids in the mix, it is no longer you ,but you and them you have to make decisions for. I dumped the guy i was dating back in the winter because it was like a crazy train. It was a learning lesson for me though, i am glad i dumped him my only concern is that i didn't do it sooner because he was throwing out red flags left and right. 2 months before i realized it was not a good thing. Of course with xdh it took me 8 years to finally call it quits and so much crap that i put up with, i am always disapointed i stayed longer, never regretting leaving any bad situation. Right now you need to take time and heal. I first separated from xdh when dd was 9 months, dating was the last thing on my list! 


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#42 of 43 Old 08-27-2013, 09:44 PM
 
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I've never really been single, so this is odd for me.  Now that I'm out of a long and abusive marriage, I have NO desire for anyone else in my life other than my children.  I've had several guys trying to talk me into giving things a chance, but to my surprise, I just can't.  I briefly tried to reconnect with an old flame, but I had to end it; my standards are so high compared to what they once were, and men who seemed great a few years ago make me want to run the other way now.  That's good - I now know my patterns of abuse, and I can spot red flags.  But I do wonder, sometimes, if it will always be like this.  I'm fine with it for now, I'm so busy and stressed out and have nothing to give to a relationship.  I just get sad at times, when I'm alone after the kids are in bed, wondering if I'll ever get to have the whole "falling in love" thing, and finally a chance at a normal healthy relationship.  Still, I'm holding out for marriage material - I don't want to date a lot, I want to find "the one", and give us all stability, so it will probably be a LONG wait!  My kids deserve better than me bouncing from one man to another, especially when one has special needs and can't understand that kind of thing.  There's all of that, and I'm still so scarred from this marriage and have more healing to do than I imagined even a few months ago.  It's lonely at times, but I can wait.  The biological clock thing worries me a bit - I really want another baby, and to experience the whole thing with someone who loves me and wants to experience it all, but I'm willing to check out my friendly local sperm bank if it comes to that point.


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#43 of 43 Old 09-25-2013, 09:20 PM
 
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I didn't for a long time, and then I did. The first two men I didn't introduce to my daughter, and boy, was that a good idea, because the first one was a cheat and the second one, I'm very sorry to say, committed suicide. The third one, whom I met about four years after the divorce, I introduced to my girl. I really regret that now. I was involved with him in an LDR with lots of visiting for about two years, and the longer it went, the nastier and more abusive and angry, even misogynistic, he became, and the more his own life fell apart: he ran from a PhD program and a giant fellowship to deep, prolonged unemployed poverty. Eventually I realized he has Asperger's, and genuinely doesn't understand what he's doing wrong when he's just been headspinningly awful -- but that still didn't mean I was going to let him come live here. Plus I can't even count all his contradictions; he's just a mass of panic, anger, and petty lies.  There were moments when he was great with my daughter, but there's just too much tension and bad stuff. I'm glad we live far apart and that her exposure to him was actually limited to a few weeks -- about half were good, but others not so much.

 

That one ended recently, and I'm not looking again. My job is great and very busy, and frankly I seem to have it much more together than all these guys, including my ex, who's decided to stop paying child support. I'm not anxious to bring another boyfriend into my daughter's life for years. One thing that came up during the last relationship, and I gather it's not unusual, was that he felt really put out that I was totally fine with my own company for sex, you know? I mean I can handle that far more reliably than almost any man I've been with can. But I think that a lot of the stigma attached to not dating is an underlying resentment that "you're saying you don't need a man"...and I think a lot of people find that threatening.

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