Do I really need time away from kids and home if I don't want it? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 7 Old 11-07-2012, 11:38 AM - Thread Starter
 
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My therapist says I need time away. I don't have friends to hang out with, I don't have any dating prospects, my career is slowly growing and not too lucrative right now, and I am breastfeeding the baby. If I want to "go out", I need to go through the hassle of:

   - find something to do that doesn't cost money

   - make sure I have the gas money to get there

   - find an acquaintance that I could go with

   - texting about 300 people about babysitting

   - get caught up on housework so I don't get behind (and I usually start out behind in the first place)

   - get both me and baby ready (DS goes to school daily and spends every weekend with daddy so I wouldn't go out when I have him) including making sure enough diapers are washed, etc.

 

I also work 9 to 5 on Saturdays, so I couldn't stay out late on Friday night, and wouldn't want to spend all day away from DD, then all evening. Basically, it all just seems like a huge hassle. And I don't have much of a desire to "get away" in the first place.

 

If anything, I'd like someone to come over and help take care of the kids so that I can catch up on sewing projects, housework, whatever chores need to be done instead of babysitting anyway. I work 22 hours a week, so it's not like I never get out and about--I also do things like Babywearing International and La Leche League with DD.

 

I do have a desire for a physical relationship with a dude, but don't want to take the time to get to know someone (see above), so I might as well put that off for now. My theory is, I may be able to "have it all", but certainly not at the same time. Right now I am a mom.

 

Anyone care to critique my situation? Are there benefits to getting out that I'm not seeing, or do some people live a healthy, well-rounded life with their children?


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#2 of 7 Old 11-07-2012, 11:47 AM
 
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I can't say if you really need it or not for sure. I love being at home and comfy with my kids and my projects. But the times when I do get out by myself I often come home with more energy for the projects I have. 

It doesn't have to be long. An hour getting groceries or picking out a couple books at the library works :) 

Do you have another mom friend that would be willing to trade babysitting once a week or who would be willing to watch your DD for an hour or two for $15?

 

Editing to add: I'm not a single mom, saw this on new posts, but I often solo parent while my husband is away for work. I did an 8 month stint earlier this year. My inlaws took the kids sometimes and I missed them but I did find the time to do something for *me* nice :)


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#3 of 7 Old 11-07-2012, 11:52 AM
 
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You're putting this construction on "going out" that it has to be *with* someone - is that from your therapist, or did you put it in?

 

I think it's easy to get into a round of work/home/baby that can wind up feeling very isolating, even if work, home and baby are all things you love.  "Going out", even if it's a walk by yourself, or meeting a friend to watch a movie on DVD, is sometimes a good idea just for fresh air and perspective.  Given your work schedule, and the time the kids already spend away, it might be possible to fit this in without cutting into the time you'd usually spend with the kids.

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#4 of 7 Old 11-07-2012, 12:05 PM
 
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OP, im just like you. Getting a babysitter is one of those tasks that i always put off, making calls and txts, and then getting nervous they will be late, or i will be late, and i have to plan dinner before hand, and get everything prepared and.....i'd rather skip it.

 

I like the idea of a massage though. That i would  go with.

 

I have no real interest in relationships right now (also a single mom), it just sounds like another thing to do. I really enjoyed going to a meditation workshop  at  my  sons school recently  ('mindfulness for parents', or something like that) I miss that kind of spiritual and intellectual engagement, sure, but its not the same when you have to tear off in a hurry to get back home to the babysitter.

 

 

Things will ease up and the children get older. I  can wait. So...i know how you feel.

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#5 of 7 Old 11-07-2012, 12:30 PM
 
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I think the point of getting out is to give yourself a break from the usual duties. If you would prefer someone to come in and let you work on a sewing project, that seems reasonable. Perhaps a neighborhood girl would be able to entertain your children while you sew. In my area, we call that girl a mother's helper, and the pay is less than a babysitter. Then, if she wants to move into babysitting, she would be able to ask you to be a reference, to help her get started.

Just be sure that if you do start wishing for time away that you take steps to get it! That might not be until your baby is older, though. Follow your instincts.
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#6 of 7 Old 11-09-2012, 09:02 AM
 
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I felt the same way with my kiddos, and was angry when I got divorced (kids were 1 and 4) that people were suggesting how it was such a good thing and i'd have free time!

I wanted to cry and say "I don't WANT free time, I WANT my babies"

 

looking back now....since that was 5 years ago....

weekends at home without the kids can be kinda sad, and I was traveling an awful lot the last 3 years or so (at one point, a week out of every month)....and I tried and actually made it a very good thing.

 

On weekends without my kids I tend to shop, clean, whatever so that I don't have to take up my time with my kids doing those things.

But more importantly I take time (easier when I was out of state!) to relax and remember WHO I was before I was merely a mother. Remember that there is more to me than just kids and work.

 

One of my favorite things was sitting down at peets outside my hotel reading and having a latte. Just sitting there for a few hours with no place to go and all the free time in the world. that relaxed me like getting 30hrs of sleep. It made me excited and happier to see my kids and be with them.

 

it made me a much better mom all around.

I didn't want it, didn't think I need it, and now i'm really glad I have it.

 

I'd still trade extra time with my kids I think, but it's like choosing to work 7 days a week, 18hr days and someone offering you same pay for m-f, 9-5. you end up missing the chaos a little bit ;)

 

Even if you can't take time AWAY from the kids, be a "bad" mom and pop the kids down infront of the tv for an hour or so, make some coffee or tea and read, or craft, or something where you can zone out and pretend you don't have kids for an hour.

 

thats more of what they ment....just make sure you take REAL time for you.

Don't stress yourself out trying to do anything major.

 

Once your nurseling is bigger it'll be easier to schedule a babysitter and go off for a day.

It's important to "make time for yourself and make time for your relationship" all the parenting/marriage books say, but its doubly important when you are single :)

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#7 of 7 Old 11-09-2012, 09:23 AM
 
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If you do not feel the need to have time away from kids and home then no, you do not need it.

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