Help me make a plan to get out of this marriage! - Mothering Forums

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Old 12-03-2012, 11:55 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I have been married to my STBX for 12 years.  We've been to counseling many times over several years and by the last session the most recent counselor said he didn't know why we stayed married and that he couldn't help us.  My STBX is a complete narcissist and very selfish, and does not want the marriage to end (even though he freely admits he's only here for financial reasons and b/c he doesn't want to have to look after himself and his own home).

 

I tried leaving him twice and consider us separated but living under the same roof.  He's very moody, sometimes pleasant sometimes downright abusive to me and the kids verbally.  He's never been physically abusive but he has a history of anger that make me afraid of him and what he might do if pushed too far.  The last time I told him it was over, he told me HE will decide when it's over and left me a threatening message on my voice mail, the police were involved however he didn't specifically say that he was going to hurt me or the kids and since there is no history of abuse they say there is nothing they can do.  However, I am not at all comfortable pushing the separation while living under the same roof.

 

I pay the mortgage and utilities on the house.  I can afford to keep it and pay him half the equity but his lawyer told him not to leave until he gets the complete settlement (i.e. spousal support).  I asked STBX what he wanted at one point, and he said to give him a settlement offer and he'd consider it.  However, he is extremely selfish and greedy, and has told me he won't settle for any less than X$$$ which is an insanely ridiculous amount of money.  I am 100% certain that if I do present him with a settlement offer, he will say he wants more (quoting his crazy amount) at which point I will say no, at which point he will turn in to the angry person that I am scared of.  I don't want to and can't live under the same roof with him while we work through the agreement.  And I believe it will take a long time based on what he says he will only agree to.

 

I talked to the bank, they will approve me for a loan to buy another place nearby but will not actually give me the money until the signed separation agreement is final (could take 1-2 years).  You cannot file for divorce here until you've been separated for a certain amount of time and also you have to have gone through mediation and a bunch of other stuff I can't do while living with him.  My lawyer has advised that I should not just move out with the kids or he can file to get them back and it can affect my custody rights negatively.  I can't afford to keep paying the mortgage on this place and a new place.  He says he won't agree to sell until we have our "deal" (and he gets the amount he wants).

 

I talked to a realtor and she says I can't sell on my own without his cooperation and signatures b/c it's in both of our names.

 

I NEED to make a plan to get out of the marriage and living environment asap.  It is truly hurtful to my kids and I psychologically, and I am too scared of his anger to initiate the separation agreement process while I am still living with him.

 

Any ideas out there?  The only thing I've come up with is to just tell him he can have the house, that would potentially cover his half, plus my half could cover most of the spousal support he is saying he wants.  The only problem is that I can't get a mortgage until our deal is done, and I can't afford to rent somewhere while still paying the mortgage etc. on our home.

 

Or I've thought about going to another bank to see if anyone will give me a mortgage without a separation agreement, and knowing I owe on another home already.

 

I'm trying to minimize the impact on the kids as they have health and other issues going on and I don't want to add any more stress to their lives. :(

 

How the heck do you get away from someone who fights you the whole way?  I really want a stable home environment for my kids to move to before I have to move them.  I have time to plan, and it's not so bad that I need to go to a shelter, which would be very stressful for the kids.  But I am afraid of the anger towards me and the kids that will start as soon as I start this process.

 

I can't get another mortgage until our separation agreement is done.  I can't afford to pay rent elsewhere until the house is sold.  He won't agree to sell the house until the separation agreement is done.  I can't live with him while we work through the separation agreement.  I need an "exit strategy".

 

Thanks for listening.

 

M.

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Old 12-04-2012, 01:19 AM
 
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Wow, mama. You must feel completely trapped. I'm so sorry. I'm glad, though, that you've had the validation from a professional that your relationship is useless and I'm glad you are getting out - somehow.

 

I don't have advice about the house/separation agreement, etc. The best I can do is tell you to get thee to a dobiemestic violence counsellor. They are experts at developing exit plans. Do this first and they may be able to refer you to some legal counselling or a good lawyer who is experienced dealing with his narcissist type. You need legal advice to sort out how you can best protect yourself.

 

And, like I tell everyone - DOCUMENT everything. I had posted here ad nauseam what X did, what he said, what they kids said, etc. and I have already used some of it to great advantage in court. Note the date, the words, the details. It's worth living like a zombie from staying up late writing it all down. It's soooooo worth it! you need details to counter all the alegations he is going to throw at you. 

 

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Old 12-04-2012, 09:00 AM
 
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Have you spoken with an attorney?  I would be reluctant to promise him anything that's not legally binding.  I met with an attorney behind XH's back.  I started getting my finances separated from him.  I prepared all the paperwork to file without XH knowing. 

 

A common theme I see is that men seem to think they can *dictate* the proceedings...and women go along with it to try and keep things amicable.  I was terrified of what XH would do, but I knew I had to get a divorce.  I just couldn't see wasting any more of my life with that person.  I wanted to be in control, not him.

 

In the end, he was all bark and no bite.  He ranted and raved and threatened...made me out to be the bad guy...but ended up doing nothing.  I'm sure he could have asked for spousal support since I was the only one working, but he couldn't be bothered. 


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Old 12-04-2012, 04:35 PM
 
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Can you rent an apartment for you and the kids?
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Old 12-04-2012, 06:10 PM
 
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Hugs to you, that is hard! If you can document that his behavior is abusive, you could qualify for a protection order which removes him from the home.  This might mean proceeding with the separation and then when he reacts abusively, getting the RO and getting him out.  Here is some info on protection orders in your area: http://www.violetnet.org/info/pafva.htm and a local domestic violence organization might be able to advise you further.


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Old 12-04-2012, 07:08 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks all.  I do have a lawyer, but apparently if I move out with the kids (which had been my plan - either rent or try to find somewhere to stay) it causes all kinds of problems.  The laws are complicated here - if one person moves out, they give up the matrimonial home and can only get back in or equity from in once the settlement agreement is finalized (typically 1-2 years).  If I take the kids, it creates some other complication where he can then get custody of them (can't remember the term) so my lawyer advised me strongly against doing that unless I can prove that my life or children's are in immediate danger. 

 

The problem is, the courts and police etc. don't do anything when it's only verbal and psychological abuse, and it's really hard to explain and substantiate when someone is name calling and belitting, controlling, etc.  When you repeat the words someone says, it doesn't always sound like much and it's hard to explain the hand gestures, threatening tone, insinuations etc. that go along with it.  And people think STBX is such a nice guy, well the guy others see is NOT the guy I live with every day.  And they don't know all of the conversations we've had over the years where he "confided in me" and said he is so angry at so-and-so from work he wants to kill him, or physically hurt him, and he's worried because he actually feels like he might, etc. etc.  They don't count the fact that the constant criticisms, belittling, making fun of, and name calling have worn my son's confidence and self esteem down to zero.  Last time I pushed the separation, STBX left a message that he was going to "get me" and make my life miserable, that I'd "better" do this and "better" do that, (add in tons of swear words and spit from being so angry on his part)...but because he didn't specifically threaten physical harm to me or the kids, there was nothing they could do.  Then he ends up SO angry at me and the kids when we were at home, stomping around, yelling at everyone, swearing, just angry, and it scared me. A lot. And the kids were scared of him.  I do not want to put them through that.

 

BUT I'm told not to leave, and he won't leave.  So here we are.  Unable to move forward because I don't feel comfortable living in that environment once I have told him it's over.  How stupid is this whole situation!  I actually spoke to 2 other lawyers who said the same thing - do not leave.  WTH am I supposed to do!  I certainly don't want to wait until there is physical violence!  I really think he has the capacity to snap.

 

I've thought about suggesting to him that we sell the house and see where that goes, I know he'll get more and more angry as things progress with selling the house, but maybe it would give him time to adjust to the idea versus me just saying I'm leaving.  I also wondered if I make him a big enough offer, if he'll just be glad and not so angry - he's extremely motivated by money.  I don't even care at this point about he money, I just want out.

 

How the heck did I get myself trapped in to this stupid situation!  ARG!!!!!

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Old 12-04-2012, 09:40 PM
 
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Once you file you should be able to get a court order for him to leave.

It is a sad situation.  I would stay put as well and keep kids with you.

Make sure you have counsel from a good lawyer- that you have HIRED- not one you have spoken to- one you have retained.
 


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Old 12-05-2012, 09:08 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks Mom31.  I have retained the lawyer and she is great, I do really like her.  She knows her stuff.  But people - lawyers, my family, police - all seem to think either it's not bad enough to leave (i.e. stay while you work it out) or call the police and go to a shelter.  It's like black and white to them.  But it's not so bad that I would put my kids through moving to a shelter in the middle of the night - that would be very stressful on them, but it's bad enough that I don't feel safe living with him while we work through things.  I don't think people that have never been through it (or lived with someone like this) can understand that.  They think either he's beating you black and blue so go directly to a shelter/call 911 or if he's not, then stick it out.  Well sometimes the unspoken threat of violence (or mere fear of it) along with the verbal/psychological abuse IS bad enough that you can't stay, (but not bad enough to go to a shelter).  I hope I'm making sense.

 

I could go and stay with family and friends, or rent somewhere by borrowing money etc., I'm not stuck for somewhere to go short-term, I'm stuck by my lawyer (and several others I talked to including a judge) telling me I may lose custody of my kids if I leave with them. Some crazy law here that makes no sense.  It's like there are all of these individual pieces that won't work together - custody law that won't let me leave, bank that won't give me money until the separation agreement is filed in the courts, STBX who won't leave, realtor/bank who can't sell the house b/c STBX won't agree (he's essentially holding me hostage unless I agree to his insane demands for insane amounts of money that I don't have).

 

Unfortunately here you cannot file for divorce like in the U.S.  You have to have been living apart for a year before you can file, AND you must have already gone through the courts mediation process, been to mandatory training/information sessions, etc. that can take a year or more.

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Old 12-08-2012, 10:08 PM
 
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You say that your husband is motivated by money. What kind of deal do you think you could offer him to get him to agree to sell the house? Can your lawyer guide you to any mediation process that might help you and him come to a separation agreement? I know that you're in Canada (as am I) where the law does require living separately for a year before divorce can be filed. But I don't believe that you have to be a hostage like this forever! Your lawyer must have seen similar situations before, where neither spouse wants to leave the marital home.  What is her advice, other than "don't leave?"

 

Please don't give up. Keep pursuing divorce. I've been reading your posts here for years and I am very sorry for your situation. There must be something you can do to get free of this marriage.
 

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Old 12-10-2012, 09:05 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks Petronella.  :(  My lawyer says to definitely not leave with the kids and there is no way I would ever leave without them.  Her advice is the same as the other 2 lawyers and judge I spoke to - I can't "make" him move out unless I can prove my life and/or my kids life is in immediate danger, so she says try to settle while living together.  She suggested we present him with an "offer".  However, I know that unless it's the insane amount of money he wants, he won't leave and he will just be pissed once he knows I'm serious about separating and have hired a lawyer etc. 

 

He does not want to go - as he says it, why should he leave, he doesn't have to do a thing (I pay for lawn service, snow removal, a cleaning lady, I look after the kids, pay the mortgage, groceries, etc. etc.).  He hates change and doesn't want to have to leave - we have a beautiful house where he is able to entertain his family, have his own room, own bathroom, etc.  He has told me his "number" for how much he wants from me in spousal support to get him to leave, and it's just totally unrealistic.  I'd be living on the streets.  I can't pay him that much and he knows it, so he gets to stay.  And I've learned to "keep the peace" for the kids sake.  And another year has dragged by.  And my problem is that I'm nervous to even start the process by making him an "offer" as I tried that before, (though it wasn't formal, it was just for discussion, "what if...") and he became unbearable to live with.  When he gets stressed or thinks his life is going to change drastically like that, he gets really angry.  I know that he does not care about me, and I think he is capable of anything if pushed.  I'm scared of the way he spoke to me when I pushed him for the separation last time (enough that I went to the police).

 

The frustrating part is that I can afford to buy him out of the matrimonial home, and the bank will approve me for the mortgage to do so, but he won't agree to that because he's an *ss - if he can't live here then I shouldn't be able to - he doesn't give a cr*p about not trying to disrupt the kids etc.

 

So this is really the dilemma, if I can't leave with the kids, and I'm scared to try to work it out while living together, what do I do?  The best I've come up with is to gently "broach" the discussion of separating again, just to see where his mind is at.  And maybe if he agrees to sell the house, that gets us both out of here - but the issue is keeping the peace while we sell.  And I feel like I need to make arrangements for somewhere I can go on short notice if the mood in the house gets unbearable.

 

Has anyone been through anything like this - trying to work things out with a hot-headed spouse while still living together?  How do you keep the home life tolerable for your children?

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Old 12-11-2012, 08:01 AM
 
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So this is really the dilemma, if I can't leave with the kids, and I'm scared to try to work it out while living together, what do I do?  The best I've come up with is to gently "broach" the discussion of separating again, just to see where his mind is at.  And maybe if he agrees to sell the house, that gets us both out of here - but the issue is keeping the peace while we sell.  And I feel like I need to make arrangements for somewhere I can go on short notice if the mood in the house gets unbearable.

 

Has anyone been through anything like this - trying to work things out with a hot-headed spouse while still living together?  How do you keep the home life tolerable for your children?

 

Hi Monkeybum.  Yes I have been through that (still sharing space with a VERY hotheaded STBX). It was the worst period of my life, I'm not going to lie. But it was also the only way that the situation could change. In my case, I and my mother did try to "buy him out," ie. offer him money to leave. He took the money, spent it, and still didn't leave. It was about power, not money. Which I'm starting to suspect may be motivating your husband as well, or else he would not be asking for such unreasonable amounts that he knows you don't actually have.

 

Yes you do need to broach the discussion again. Make him see that you are serious about living apart and getting a divorce. Don't let it drop! If he starts yelling, swearing, throwing, slamming, etc, keep going (while keeping you and your babies safe). Try to get him to discuss reasonable figures. But, and I know this is terrible to discuss so cavalierly, you need to be prepared for the situation to escalate and I think you already know this.  He may very well get even more impossible to live with. He may even get violent as he realizes that he is losing control. Keep the phone in your hand and call the police as often as you need to. In my situation the police absolutely became involved and I don't regret a thing.

 

There is lots of advice out there for keeping oneself and children safe from a violent spouse. Please arm yourself with this info as you're probably going to need it.

 

Your idea about making arrangements for somewhere to go is excellent. Do NOT do this until you have to, per your lawyer's advice not to leave.

 

What kind of support system do you have in real life? Are you close to your parents or siblings? does anyone else know about what your marriage is like?

 

Please don't take anything I say as the only way to handle things as we don't know each other and it's probably bad advice to encourage someone to "push" a hotheaded spouse. I'm just speaking from my own experience that with people like this, some unpleasantness is inevitable so you might as well brace yourself and keep your ultimate goal in mind.

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Old 12-11-2012, 08:18 AM
 
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Record or videotape him when he starts getting angry and belittling and yelling at you and the kids. Perhaps if he sounds threatening enough the police / courts will grant you the restraining order to make him leave.  When he starts getting super angry like that, call the cops - even if he hasn't gotten physical with you. Tell them you feel threatened and are scared. It will start to document his behavior.


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Old 12-11-2012, 08:36 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Petronella View Post

 

Hi Monkeybum.  Yes I have been through that (still sharing space with a VERY hotheaded STBX). It was the worst period of my life, I'm not going to lie. But it was also the only way that the situation could change. In my case, I and my mother did try to "buy him out," ie. offer him money to leave. He took the money, spent it, and still didn't leave. It was about power, not money. Which I'm starting to suspect may be motivating your husband as well, or else he would not be asking for such unreasonable amounts that he knows you don't actually have.

 

. But, and I know this is terrible to discuss so cavalierly, you need to be prepared for the situation to escalate and I think you already know this.  He may very well get even more impossible to live with. He may even get violent as he realizes that he is losing control. Keep the phone in your hand and call the police as often as you need to. In my situation the police absolutely became involved and I don't regret a thing.

 

Monkeybum, if you haven't read it yet, get your hands on a copy of Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft.  Understanding what truly motivates these people and how they think can be key to surviving them.  Document everything that he is doing that makes you feel intimidated.  I noticed that the law in your area also includes threats of physical violence as DV-- so anytime that he says he will hurt you, the kids/pets/possessions or that you feel afraid that he might strike one of you-- write it down in a log, showing that you are afraid.  You may be forced to use to his own violence against him in order to escape and the PP is right that it is likely to escalate.  Don't feel guilty about any of this.  Remember that living with covert abuse (emotional, verbal) is extremely damaging and most survivors describe the aftereffects from it as worse than physical abuse.


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Old 12-11-2012, 12:40 PM
 
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What your husband is doing to you (contributing a grossly minimal amount of money to the household while not contributing the equivalent in work or childcare; spending on himself; threatening to take still more of your money; threatening to take the house) may also be considered financial abuse. I just did a google search for "financial abuse ontario" and found more than one social agency that considers this sort of exploitation to be part of the spectrum of domestic violence. Just something more for you to document, along with his threats, language, and anything physical that he does or may start to do.

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Old 12-13-2012, 10:36 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks everyone for your responses, I truly appreciate it. Some good things to think about and look in to.

 

So, I often feel overwhelmed, scared and trapped by what I'll need to do to get out of this situation and when things are going ok it often seems easier to put my head in the sand and pretend everything is ok, and just tell myself it's not that bad, maybe I'll just stay...what I want to do if it won't bother anyone is just log why I want to go so I can remember when the going gets tough, that I need to do this.  Even if this is only for me to revisit, I think it will help.

 

I've had many moments that I felt complete clarity that I MUST get out of the relationship, and I tell myself whatever I do, do NOT change your mind...a few of those I can think of...when my son told me he hates himself, he's ugly, nobody likes him and his dad hates him.  STBX is very, very hard on DS and constantly criticizes him, its very hard for STBX to find good in anything DS does, he always says he should have done better, could have done this/that, etc.  He yells at DS, calls him a baby (DS is 8) etc.  DS has also very recently started talking to me in a very disrespectful way and treating me like STBX does, I had a lightbulb moment that a) STBX will completely crush what is left of DS's confidence if I can't get him out of this situation soon, and b) DS is going to grow up thinking it's ok to treat people (me, girlfriends, wife) like STBX treats me, and will therefore probably never get married or will be divorced if he does.

 

Another moment of clarity was when he left me the threatening message on my voice mail.  Nobody should speak to anyone like that, let alone your wife and children's mother.  His hatred of me was clear in every word.

 

He says he changed so I won't talk too much about older issues, but he is such a downer at Christmas.  It's my absolute favorite time of the year, but he gets so miserable around Christmas, he is grumpy and sulking most of Christmas day, last year was the first time in 8 years that he helped me put out the gifts/stockings etc., (we were trying to reconcile last Xmas) he complains if I get the kids more than 1 gift yet has a list of a zillion things he wants.  All he talks about Xmas day is how spoiled the kids are, and tells them that repeatedly all day and the days following Xmas (I pay for all of the gifts).  He complains that there is wrapping paper everywhere, he complains that there are boxes from opened gifts, he refuses to put anything together or batteries in anything so I do it all, he often just leaves and goes for a nap for the day, then wakes up wanting to know where dinner is.  He's just generally a bummer to be around.

 

He refuses to mow the lawn or do anything to help take care of the yard or property.

 

He is very lazy and helps out very little with the house, kids, etc.  I hired a tutor as my older son is failing at school and he refuses to help pick up my younger son so I can take my older son to the tutor, demanding that I make dinner instead and says the tutor is a waste of time.

 

I don't even ask him anymore to do anything for me, (i.e. can you pick up milk on your way home, etc.) because he won't.

 

We haven't had s*x in 3 1/2 years (well, we've been technically separated for 2 1/2 of those years so maybe that makes sense).  He took his own room even though I asked him not to when we moved in to our new house 3 1/2 years ago and he wanted to make appointments for s*x.

 

When we were first married and had a pretty good s*x life, I told him about a time I had been s*xually assaulted as a teen, (I had never told anyone and was starting to cry) his response was "well, you better get over it because I don't want it interfering with our s*x life" and then got up and left the room.  After a counseling session where we were supposed to tell the other person how we feel, I told him "I feel like there is an empty hole inside of me" his response was "I've got something I can shove in that hole".  This was pretty typical.  I've learned not to trust him with telling him things that are either imporant to me, or that scare me/are hurtful because he throws them back in my face later - or uses them against me.  (He's brought up the fact that I was sexually assaulted many times in the context that I'm damaged, I have a problem, I'm abnormal, etc. etc.).

 

We were still married and had an ok marriage when I turned 40.  He did nothing for my 40th birthday, not even a grocery store cake to sing happy birthday with the kids.  Not a card.  Nothing.  For his 40th, I gave him a huge trip of a lifetime, rented a winebego, sent him on a cross-country football trip with all of his cousins from Canada and the U.S. that tooks months to coordinate.  This was one of the times when it really hit home how little he cares about me.

 

When I was pregnant, he used to ask me to rub HIS feet - seriously.  He used to get mad at me when I was throwing up because I was taking too long in the bathroom.  He cooked all the foods that the smell made me nauseous (i.e. fish and ground beef) because "he wanted them" and didn't care that they made me sick.  Never wanted to feel the baby kick.  Refused to put the crib together or help set up the baby's room.  Didn't help with the baby even though I was bedridden for nearly 5 weeks after his birth.  When I had my stitches fall out and get infected and was lying on the table in agony being re-sewn up, all he wanted to know from the doctor was how soon we could have s*x again.  He used to get mad if I didn't want to have s*x in the last month of my pregnancy b/c it was really uncomfortable.

 

When my 2nd was born, he did not get up in the night once to help out, even if I was sick or if the kids were sick.  Never.  And even when I had to leave for work at 8am and he didn't have to leave for work until 1pm and had a nap every day for an hour beforehand.

 

He had never put the kids to bed until this past September when I had to travel for work, my kids are 5 1/2 and nearly 9years old.  He has given them a bath maybe twice in their whole lives.  I changed poopy diapers alone, I clean up barf alone, I sooth kids coughs alone, I deal with fevers and other ailments in the night alone.  Asking him to go to the drug store to get medicine for a sick child (or myself) you'd think I'd asked him to solve world hunger.  Once I had both boys barfing, was covered in barf myself, both boys were crying and I asked him to get up and help, his response was "JUST DEAL WITH IT!".  I don't even ask anymore because it's so upsetting.

 

He talks about how smart he is and how there is nobody smarter than him, even members of Mensa. He puts everyone else down and criticizes everyone and everything.  He is totally adverse to hard work or anything that might inconvenience him in the slightest, or that disrupts his routine in any way.  Everything he does, he does with the mindset of "what's in it for me"?  And he wont' do anything unless there is something worthwhile in it for him.  I actually feel like he doesn't have the capacity to care about another human being.  And when I look up the definition of narcissist, it describes him to a "t".  (This makes me really sad, as he's my kids father, I wish I had done better for them, they don't understand that he isn't capable of truly caring about them, they think it's them).

 

He makes fun of me for believing in God.  He makes fun of my taste in music.  He criticizes me for helping needy families.  If I try to talk to him about the kids or an issue (i.e. my son being bullied or failing at school, teachers calling home because of a problem, if I have a problem at work, etc.) he gets very impatient, and says "I have things to do" and leaves the room, just acts like he could care less and we are all greatly inconveniencing him for being in his life.

 

He is very disrespectful when he talks to me, ordering me around, criticizing me, demanding dinner, that I didn't empty the dryer right away (instantly the second it is finished), that I left my coffee cup on the counter or some other menial thing...why did I leave the lights on upstairs (b/c I'm going right back up?), he'll blame it on me and get annoyed at me if HE forgets something.  Pretty much everything that happens is my fault, and if anything I do isn't up to his perfect standards, the criticisms start.  I feel like I walk on eggshells around him wondering what he'll find fault with next.

 

He has never bought the kids a birthday gift (though he says he has an Xmas present for them this year) and always asks if he "has to" be there for their birthday parties.  I bought them bikes, put them together and taught them how to ride, I get their sporting equipment and take them to their sports and other activities.  I do all the typical "dad" stuff.  (I carve the turkey, put batteries in toys, assemble the sandbox, etc. etc. b/c he just refuses to).

 

I had the flu so bad last year that I was bed-ridden for 3 weeks, during the first 2 weeks I could not stay awake or barely lift my head or talk and had a fever.  We have separate rooms.  He would get up in the morning, have breakfast, watch tv, take a nap, run an errand and leave for work at 1pm and not return home until 11pm and then go to bed and not check on me once in 24 hours.  I had to howl to ask him for water.  He brought me food begrudgingly.  I know we were separated but I'm still a human being.  I ended being hospitalized for dehydration.  Even when I blacked out, and couldn't stay conscious and had him call an ambulance, his attitude was "oh, she's fine...".  And he brought it up for weeks and kept saying I should be so grateful to him for bringing me food and water.

 

I had a breast cancer scare and STBX had 3 things to say, 1) the first words out of his mouth were "I hope you have insurance", 2) followed by "who's going to take care of the kids"??!  and 3) Now you know how I feel!  (He had tennis elbow at the time).  Not even remotely worried about me, but more concerned that it might interfere with his life or inconvenience him.

 

(Oops!  Okay, I guess I am going to bring up old stuff...lol).

 

He doesn't drink excessively, he doesn't do drugs, he doesn't smoke, he's never been in jail, he has good ethics (doesn't steal, cheat, etc.), he doesn't lie or womanize or go out to bars.  He always tells me where he's going and calls if he'll be late.  He has a steady job (though low paying and unambitious), he's reliable (does what he says, but just says he's not going to do much - lol).  He's fiercely loyal (at least to his mom and brothers).  He's very organized.  He will sometimes play catch with the kids outside or take them for bike rides to the park.  He'll occasionally say things like "thank you for the nice dinner".  He'll eat anything I cook and isn't fussy.  He's sometimes helpful with things like changing lightbulbs, putting up the Christmas tree, and he takes out the garbage every week... Wow, I was trying to list his good qualities because when things are "ok" temporarily, it doesn't seem that bad but this list is really lame...

 

But it actually helps me realize that I've been living as a single mom for years now actually, even before we separated.  I just have an extra set of hands (now and then when he feels like it) and his small financial contribution.

 

Thanks for listening!  This is a good reminder for me! :)

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Old 12-14-2012, 09:15 AM
 
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I feel so awful for you.  That list of "good" things is pathetic...really.  Sometimes we (women, humans, whatever) try so hard to overlook the bad stuff that we come up with really lame excuses.  Mine was always, "But I know he would never physically hurt me!"  Yeah, but XH sucked at pretty much every other aspect of being a partner.

 

I had also realized that I had mostly been a single mom, even while married.  I went back to work when DS was three months old (only one with a job) so XH watched him during the day.  But I did everything else...plus working...everything. 

 

I don't want to go on and on, but I want to share one thing that a good friend told me years ago....

 

"No one ever says, 'I wish I had waited longer to get divorced.'"  

 

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Old 12-14-2012, 12:58 PM
 
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Wow! He let you have a Christmas tree? Sounds like a GREAT husband. Kidding. Other than letting you have a tree and calling if he's going to be late, he sounds exactly like my ex. Hope you get out soon, because doing it all alone is soooo much better without a constant critic sneering down his nose at you. He is not that smart. LOL He's just more selfish than the average smart person, which makes him think everyone else is weak, therefore stupid.

 

Thankfully, that attitude tends to help jerks like him shoot themselves in the foot all through the divorce proceedings. It does sound like forcing him to leave is going to be your best bet. Either that, or get someone else to move in with you, if possible. These losers have a real hard time being such a jerk in front of other people. I couldn't get my XH out towards the end of our divorce, but I did have two friends take turns staying with me when he was in town (he worked out of town for months during the divorce). That helped me a lot - at least I had a spare set of eyes on him at all times.


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Old 12-14-2012, 02:00 PM
 
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Howz it going with the legal protocol?  Any chance you could relocate & file elsewhere?  Seems like you could gather enough empirical evidence to present as a detrimental situation for the children.  A well presented case *should* be heard by a decent judge.

 

Wish you could get away from him ASAP...

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Old 12-14-2012, 10:39 PM
 
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Originally Posted by bananabee View Post
... get someone else to move in with you, if possible. These losers have a real hard time being such a jerk in front of other people. I couldn't get my XH out towards the end of our divorce, but I did have two friends take turns staying with me when he was in town (he worked out of town for months during the divorce). That helped me a lot - at least I had a spare set of eyes on him at all times.

 

This is a really good idea. Your house is big, right? Maybe you have a parent or a sibling or cousin who would like to come for Christmas and beyond? A friend or co-worker in the process of moving? Anything to make your h start feeling outnumbered and uncomfortable as possible and make him want to GTFO. It would give you someone sane to talk to and would lighten the overall mood of the house.

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Old 12-20-2012, 12:45 AM
 
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Record or videotape him when he starts getting angry and belittling and yelling at you and the kids. Perhaps if he sounds threatening enough the police / courts will grant you the restraining order to make him leave.  When he starts getting super angry like that, call the cops - even if he hasn't gotten physical with you. Tell them you feel threatened and are scared. It will start to document his behavior.

 

 

ditto


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