Am I wrong to want my boyfriend to be more involved in my sons life? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 30 Old 12-20-2012, 04:13 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I have been dating a guy for about 5 months now. Both my 7 yr old boy and I spend a lot of time at his place with his dogs. 

I am a single mother in that i pay my own bills, have my own place, and raise my child 90% on my own with the help of a paid sitter to help during school days. 

My sons father is in the military so he moves around a lot. He moves in Jan 2013 about 15 hours away from us. 

I have never asked much of my boyfriend, I know my son is my responsibility. However, I feel that he should not immediately dismiss me when i ask him if he would help. 

Like today.... 

 

For the past couple of days i have had severe pelvic pain and i wanted to go to the doctor this evening. I asked him if he could please pick him up for me from the sitter (I dont like to leave him there later than i have to and i had school today.) He immediately said no.

 

Now, he is a 33 year old bachelor without any kids of his own and no ex wifes. He comes with no baggage. My sons father is not a problem either. Very healthy and drama free. 

 

I wanted to talk to him about a little help after my ex leaves the state. I mean- he is trying to become part of the family no? 

He said i was wrong- that he was dating me, not my son. 

 

I feel so sad because he is an amazing guy and he KNOWS i come in a package but he is not willing to take the time to bond more with him. 

 

And yes guys, this man is very serious about me. He is so respectful, honest, and caring but i dont know how to feel about him and my son?? 

 

any suggestions?

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#2 of 30 Old 12-20-2012, 04:34 PM
 
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Err, someone who is telling you that he is not interested in raising your son with you should be believed. And you shouldn't expose your son to someone who wants to monopolize your attention and ignore your child. That's not cool.

 

Feel free to ignore me and think I don't know what I'm talking about. But I would walk fast if a guy told me that.


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#3 of 30 Old 12-20-2012, 08:41 PM
 
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He said i was wrong- that he was dating me, not my son. 

 

No, he is wrong- you are a package deal and if he doesn't want to be as involved in your son's life as he is in yours, then he's not the one to be in you and your son's life.  Your son deserves better.  YOU deserve better.

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#4 of 30 Old 12-20-2012, 08:53 PM
 
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I'm inclined to say that it would make sense for him to set some boundaries as you guys have been dating for less than a year, even if you're planning on building a life together. But picking up your son from the sitter's so that you can take care of a health thing should, ideally, be something he would help you out with. So unfortunately I have to echo what the above posters are saying. Maybe it's time to have a talk with him about where he really sees your relationship going... and if he realizes that the more serious it gets, the more active of a role he'll need to take with your son. Good luck.


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#5 of 30 Old 12-20-2012, 10:39 PM
 
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Most men have different ideas about dating vs being a family. He might just not have transitioned into the deeper relationship yet, or he's not intending to. If you want something deeper, he might not be the right guy for that.


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#6 of 30 Old 12-21-2012, 01:05 AM
 
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I would probably not have my son spend time with him anymore until he decides he is dating both of you.  I think it is fine for *just* you to date him if that is what you are both okay with, even if it is just for now until he grows more comfortable with the family role, but I wouldn't let my kid get attached to him when he is clearly saying he isn't interested in being a part of your son's life. 

 

As for helping you out when you were sick, that has nothing to do with dating you-someone who is just a friend would have helped you out, right? It seems odd to me that he felt like that was too much to ask even though he has met and spent time with your son and is presumable okay with that...?

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#7 of 30 Old 12-21-2012, 01:14 AM
 
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Ur children always come first. Never forget that those are the ones that suffer the most..
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#8 of 30 Old 12-21-2012, 02:04 AM
 
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Darling, I am single w a 7yr old son. Dating a man for 6mo. (Our situation so similar to yours). MY boyfriend said "I always thought my kids would be MY own. But this is how it is and you are my family. ". He offers to babysit when I pick up weekend work (twice). During summer break I had my son at work with me. BF got off work & says "let me get him outa here" (I bartend) they came back with early birthday presents for me. He said they were all from my son. He said he hasn't had a reason to put up a Xmas tree in 5yrs- so "they were gonna do it while mama plays her guitar." Your man is showing you how he is going to be. My bf grew up hating his step dad so he's sensitive to how my son might feel. There are good men. And there are REALLY good men. Choose wisely. It's hard. Good luck honey. And remember- you're your sons favorite person! Don't let him get pushed away. Love to you <3
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#9 of 30 Old 12-21-2012, 11:56 AM
 
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I'm sorry, but I have a hard time with "he's serious about you."  If he was very serious about a long term commitment to you he would have never said he's only dating you, not your son.  You're a package deal.

 

I dated a single bachelor 2 years ago and he was "serious" about me too.  He even did bond with my kids.  But he was totally freaked out to be left alone with them, and eventually it hit him that he simply was not in a place in his life to take on kids.

 

Your guy may love you... but you need to ask yourself what is best for you and what you really want?  Do you want a deep partnership with someone who will become a family with you AND your son?  Because it's sounding like this guy is not it.  If you are okay with casually dating someone without thoughts of it developing into something more, then cool.  But it sounds like you are sad and frustrated that your BF is not stepping up to be more than just your casual BF.

 

You can't hope for him to become something that he is not ready or wanting to be.  It then becomes your choice.

 

For comparison... I am now dating a guy who told me from the begining that he knew choosing to date a single mom meant also choosing to be responsible for my kids one day if things took off and we became serious.  Which we are.  He offers to watch my kids if I have something to do at night.  He is on-call when I'm on call for a doula client if I need him to get the kids.  Next semester I have a night class and he will be watching the kids the night I have lab. 

 

There are guys out there that are not freaked out about becoming a family.  A lot of things for you to think about.  *hugs*
 

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#10 of 30 Old 12-23-2012, 07:43 PM
 
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Darling, I am single w a 7yr old son. Dating a man for 6mo. (Our situation so similar to yours). MY boyfriend said "I always thought my kids would be MY own. But this is how it is and you are my family. ". He offers to babysit when I pick up weekend work (twice). During summer break I had my son at work with me. BF got off work & says "let me get him outa here" (I bartend) they came back with early birthday presents for me. He said they were all from my son. He said he hasn't had a reason to put up a Xmas tree in 5yrs- so "they were gonna do it while mama plays her guitar." Your man is showing you how he is going to be. My bf grew up hating his step dad so he's sensitive to how my son might feel. There are good men. And there are REALLY good men. Choose wisely. It's hard. Good luck honey. And remember- you're your sons favorite person! Don't let him get pushed away. Love to you <3

 

This is how it should be. Men who are so freaked out of kids do NOT make good Dads in the long run. Trust me ~ my ex might be a bad partner for me, but he's always stepped up to the plate for my/our son and our daughter. Even now that we're broken up, he still has my son and our daughter every weekend. When I was pregnant, he took my DS to and from school every day, and was/is always around to help out with things with the kids.


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#11 of 30 Old 12-23-2012, 08:45 PM
 
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Be careful in a situation where he doesn't want much to do with your son in a situation where you both spend a lot of time at his house your son might feel neglected. Because you are giving attention to this guy and this guy does not feel the need to pay attention to your son. I agree with the ladies above.

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#12 of 30 Old 12-24-2012, 09:19 AM
 
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Some really good advice here!

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#13 of 30 Old 12-24-2012, 10:49 AM
 
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I'm sorry, but I have a hard time with "he's serious about you."  If he was very serious about a long term commitment to you he would have never said he's only dating you, not your son.  You're a package deal.

 

 

The fact that he won't take on this minimal responsibility in an emergency says one or all of a few things about him:

 

1. He is afraid of being alone with a child. That won't do.

2. He doesn't care about you enough to help you out. He only wants to date and for you to pay attention to him, and the minute you ask him for help, he's going to make a hard and fast rule to block helping you. That's bad. 

3. He's very rigid and can't change his plans and be flexible at the last minute. I don't think a parent can live with that either. 

 

If you are happy with a not-serious, temporary relationship, keep dating him. This isn't a long term prospect for you. 


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#14 of 30 Old 12-24-2012, 07:18 PM
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Err, someone who is telling you that he is not interested in raising your son with you should be believed. And you shouldn't expose your son to someone who wants to monopolize your attention and ignore your child. That's not cool.

 

 I would walk fast if a guy told me that.

 

Yeah, that.  Maya Angelou said, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." 

 

 

Even if his attitude is that he's dating you, then he should have done you a favor and picked up your son.  This guy sounds clueless and not worth your time.  If he doesn't want to be involved with kids at all, then he shouldn't date women with kids.  

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#15 of 30 Old 12-25-2012, 07:50 AM
 
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If he was really serious about you, he wouldn't have said that you were wrong to have asked him for help and that he was dating you and not your son. 

 

Personally, I would show him the door. 

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#16 of 30 Old 12-25-2012, 12:33 PM
 
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He may well be "serious" about you, but he is indulging in the fantasy that he can be involved with you strictly as a woman, rather than, in the long run, a family.  He lets you have your kid at his house, after all, he has his dogs, right?  There are so many ways guys can not "get" what it means to date a single mother. 

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#17 of 30 Old 12-25-2012, 01:06 PM
 
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If you are happy with a not-serious, temporary relationship, keep dating him. This isn't a long term prospect for you. 

Even if a single mother had the time or inclination for a not so serious relationship,(difficult to imagine, but i guess theoretically possible) that 'friend' could at least do you the courtesy of helping you out in a health emergency, whether its picking up your son, or parking your car. How uncaring!!!!

 

Yuk, yuk, and double yuk!!!! Run!!!! 

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#18 of 30 Old 12-25-2012, 01:54 PM
 
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My sister divorced, two kids, and married someone whose wife had died and had two adult children (early twenties). He made it clear that my sister's children were solely her responsibilty. She was fine with that. She struggled to pay for all their expensea as well as helping them pay for their college education. Fast forward to when her children are also grown and out of the house. My sister starts having health issues, and is diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis. She was waking in the morning barely able to move. She ended up having to arrange for her grown son to go to her house every day to help her get out of bed, because her husband "hadn't signed up for that" when he married her.

Not helping with your kids is a sign that he's too self-centered for a sincere partnership. Go forward with care, and with your eyes open.
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#19 of 30 Old 12-25-2012, 02:06 PM
 
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He wouldn't even pick up your kid from daycare so you could go to the doctor? What a jerk, is my first reaction. I tried to look at the situation from different angles, but it still seems like jerk behaviour. Yes, it's early in the relationship, and yes, you want to take things slow with kids, but it's not like you asked him if your son could live with him for a month, just if he could help you out with the regular logistics that come with being a busy mom. YOU are a busy mom; he is dating a busy mom. Obviously he is not willing to accept that? DTMFA

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#20 of 30 Old 12-25-2012, 04:50 PM
 
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IMO, it's totally fine for someone who doesnt have kids to not want to get involved in a kids life, but as a parent, there is no way I could date someone like that. He should be dating someone who is single with no kiddos. 


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#21 of 30 Old 12-26-2012, 07:52 AM
 
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Yes he did sign up for that. 'In sickness and in health....'    

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  She ended up having to arrange for her grown son to go to her house every day to help her get out of bed, because her husband "hadn't signed up for that" when he married her. 
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#22 of 30 Old 12-26-2012, 10:53 AM
 
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Yes he did sign up for that. 'In sickness and in health....'    


I agree. Those were his words, though. They're separated now, no real surprise.
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#23 of 30 Old 12-30-2012, 06:33 AM
 
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I think its too soon at 5 months for your son to be alone with a boyfriend. So, truthfully, I'm kinda relieved that he said no. Your son doesnt need to feel like a liability to anyone and he probably would've sensed from your BF that he wasnt really welcomed that day anyway.

 

From your post though, it sounds like you're coming to his place every weekend, making life completely easy for him. He sounds pretty self-centered, which is not at all a good sign. He also has made it pretty clear that there's an expiration date on this relationship unless you're willing to solo parent permanently. I also think with guys, it has to be on their terms or they can feel as if you're forcing them into a certain role. The right guy will offer to do things with your son and it will melt your heart.

 

That said, I think you have to be careful about exposing your son to the men you date within the first 3-6 months because this is usually around the time when a person's true character is coming out. Anyone can be amazing over a 3 month period. My mom is an amazing mother who divorced when I was 8 and my sister and I have met quite a few men over that period. My mom was a serial monogamist (so was my dad, actually). It really caused my sister issues as she tended to attach to these guys, unbeknownst to any of us. I went the other way and didn't allow anyone in because in my mind, these were temporary relationships anyway. I'm not saying you're like my parents of course, as this is probably the only guy he's met. I'm just putting it out there, is all!


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#24 of 30 Old 12-30-2012, 10:19 AM
 
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That said, I think you have to be careful about exposing your son to the men you date within the first 3-6 months because this is usually around the time when a person's true character is coming out. Anyone can be amazing over a 3 month period. My mom is an amazing mother who divorced when I was 8 and my sister and I have met quite a few men over that period. My mom was a serial monogamist (so was my dad, actually). It really caused my sister issues as she tended to attach to these guys, unbeknownst to any of us. I went the other way and didn't allow anyone in because in my mind, these were temporary relationships anyway. I'm not saying you're like my parents of course, as this is probably the only guy he's met. I'm just putting it out there, is all!

This is really helpful to me. I wondered why other single moms said not to introduce boyfriends to kids right away, and you explain why really well here. Thanks! 


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#25 of 30 Old 12-30-2012, 01:48 PM
 
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If he really cares about your family, he would get involved the fact your in a relationship with him means he should, its give and take
 

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#26 of 30 Old 12-31-2012, 07:59 AM
 
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You are not wrong to want a man who will be involved with your whole family.

 

This one is telling you very clearly that he is not that man.

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#27 of 30 Old 12-31-2012, 06:09 PM
 
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This is really helpful to me. I wondered why other single moms said not to introduce boyfriends to kids right away, and you explain why really well here. Thanks! 

 

Np, I'm just relieved that you werent offended as it wasnt my intention. Happy New Years!

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#28 of 30 Old 01-02-2013, 09:48 AM
 
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Others have already said it, I'm sorry but I also agree that your BF is totally a big "NO".

If he can't love your blood and fresh, how can you say he really love you?

Don't worry there are so many guys out there and they would even be so happy to be your "SON's FATHER" and not just your date.

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#29 of 30 Old 01-02-2013, 12:03 PM
 
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i too think it would be too soon to for a BF to be alone with your son, honestly I personally would not introduce a new partner at all though before 6 months. Your BF is right though, he is dating you, not you and your son. 5 months is still so early in a relationship. Many guys struggle with raising other peoples children so if this continues to be an issue in that he is not interested in the whole package then I would say it is not a good match. You need to find a different person to rely on in times like these. Can the sitter drop off your son if you are sick? or do you have a friend, neighbor, etc who could do it?

 

I put the morality clause in my divorce decree, to protect my children from xh and myself. My children have no business meeting anyone either me or their father are dating for the first 6 months after our divorce, so I am probably a little biased in that you should be getting to know your BF without your DS around and your DS should be getting most your attention when he is in your care.


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#30 of 30 Old 01-02-2013, 09:45 PM
 
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Err, someone who is telling you that he is not interested in raising your son with you should be believed. And you shouldn't expose your son to someone who wants to monopolize your attention and ignore your child. That's not cool.

 

Feel free to ignore me and think I don't know what I'm talking about. But I would walk fast if a guy told me that.

 

 

ditto.

 

But only 5 months of dating and a man who has no children of his own. I can sort of see where he is coming from too. Give it time mabye? But not too much.


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