What can I do? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 5 Old 03-05-2013, 11:49 AM - Thread Starter
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I hope it's okay that I post on here but my girlfriend(?) and I are having a child..  I've spoken to a lot of people on this topic but I was hoping that a forum like this would help me shed some light.  I'm going to try my hardest to leave out boring detail.


When I met her she had a child and the father was in prison at the time (red flag, I know.)  She hated living with her family so even though after 3 weeks I let her move into my home.  I know everything seemed too soon but she was working, in school and generally a good mother.  The only thing I noticed is that her family lived further away and she worked in my town so she would leave her baby up there for days.  We worked together and the hours are crazy so she said with the time it would be easier to leave the baby up there. 


Fast forward I ripped apart a room in my home to make a bedroom for her baby and he eventually moved in, too.  She was going through a nasty battle with her kid's father and I just did what I thought was right and always to the best of my ability gave advice and listened.  Her baby eventually began to react to me differently, as well.  I would notice him crying when I got home from work but when he saw me his little face and eyes would light up and he would get a huge smile and stop crying.  I spent a lot of time watching him for her and we became close. 


A few months later she became pregnant.  In my mind, I realize there were a few red flags, but I am looking past all of that.  I don't regret this.  I don't consider it an "accident".  I am going to in the best of my ability be a great father that raises our child to succeed. 


Here's my problem.  Her mother told me that she had past mental issues, and is a very good manipulator, but told me she was getting better.  She got herself fired from work, blaming the company for not scheduling her correctly.  Truthfully she rarely showed up on time and when she did she didn't do her job.  She quit school blaming me saying since her car broke down it's my fault I'm not letting her use mine (if I don't work we don't have a home).  She doesn't want me meeting her baby's father alone because she said he'll tell me "exact dates and times she cheated on me with him."   And it happens to be around the time she would come home from work 45 minutes to an hour after her schedule was done. 


I would work and when I would come home the whole place would be a mess.  I understand she has a child to watch and she's pregnant now so I would immediately get to the house work after my job.  Anything I did, she told me I was "f'in stupid", useless and I shouldn't do anything unless she tells me to.  She would threaten to break up with me for anything.  She got angry at me for taking a shower or going to bed when she didn't want me to.  If I watched her play video games, it was quality time with her, if I watched a movie I wanted I was a selfish a-hole. I bought her something for Valentines day within a half hour she posted on FB I'm an idiot and then asked me to return it for something she actually likes.  She said she would have bought me something, but no money, and she was going to make me something but she didn't feel like it.


She has told me, on several occasions, when she gets a better job she's leaving.  Since her car has broken down, she told me that it was my responsibility to make sure her child gets to his father for the custody agreement.  I told her I don't know if I can because of my work schedule and she called me a selfish POS that has done nothing for her. I told her that for over three months that I paid all the bills, did the housework and bought all the food for all of us.  My family even paid for her child's daycare while she was working and his diapers.  She told me all of this is expected and I'm selfish because I'm not doing what she wants.  Her family is trying to document proof that she's being neglectful to her first child.


She's back at her family now because I could not make sure her baby could make it to his fathers.  And to be honest, her mental condition is lapsing incredibly and I personally do not want her alone.  She texts me telling me that her family says she's neglecting her child.  The only thing I could think of, when she was here, she would pretend to be asleep constantly when the baby monitor would be going off and I would wake up to take care of the lil guy.  I talk to her every day asking her how things are going.  I tell her if she needs ANYTHING to call me.  I told her I would take her to all of her pregnancy visits.  I missed a few because she asked me to watch her first child saying she didn't want to bring him with. 


She told me if I leave her up there I am abandoning her.  She says I blow her off when she asks to come visit but her own mother told me not to and if I do bring a friend because she makes things up that always make her like a victim so I would need a witness with me.  The thing is I don't trust her to be alone and I had to have the locks on my house changed per my family.  I know how she was with the last dad.  She's not going to tell me when the pregnancy appointments are, she won't take me to any classes, then in court if it happens she'll tell them that I never bothered to be with her for any of those things. 


I am really sorry for the huge post.  I understand I am becoming a father and I am already reading as much as I can and am preparing my home for the new baby.   What else can I do?

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#2 of 5 Old 03-06-2013, 07:27 PM
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All you can do re: the appointments, etc., is document that you wanted to go.  Email is usually the easiest for this sort of thing because it is easy to print out and already includes dates, times, etc.  Other than that, in the end, these are her medical appointments and if she doesn't want you there, you can't go, period.  This applies to the birth as well, so far as I know.


Other than documenting, all you can do is prepare to file for visitation/custody rights when the baby is born by talking to a lawyer and seeing what you will need.  You will need to either fill out paperwork agreeing that you are the father (I forget the exact name of it, but all unmarried fathers must submit this to be included on the birth certificate) or, if she doesn't list you as the dad and contests that, you may need to have a paternity test done before any custody or child support can be put into place.  Franky, this sounds like a good idea regardless since you seem very suspicious that she was/is cheating on you?  


Continue to document any times you ask to see the baby, as well as her response.  Again, I strongly suggest that you document this via email, or at least text message if you can save/print those, as it is too easy to turn into a he said/she said situation if you are doing it over the phone. 


Good luck-this sounds like a very tough situation all around.

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#3 of 5 Old 03-07-2013, 02:51 PM
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I'd say also document her erratic behavior, document everything really.  If she has any family or friends who know of her mental illness, try to see if they are on the same page with you.  oh, I re-read and see that you know that they are.  You may need their support in court...so offer yours if they need documentation of the neglect issue.


She sounds like she has a personality disorder to me...might want to get researching those, too.

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#4 of 5 Old 03-07-2013, 03:24 PM
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Agreed. Document, document, document. Also, have witnesses whenever possible. She sounds extremely unstable and manipulative.


And, umm...I'm not sure of the timeline here, but you may also want to consider blood tests when the baby arrives.  I couldn't tell for sure from your post if she was cheating - or possibly/probably cheating - before or after you found out that she's pregnant, but you probably need to know for sure if this baby is yours. I'm sorry to even say that, but this is the kind of situation that calls for it.

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#5 of 5 Old 03-07-2013, 10:14 PM - Thread Starter
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Thank you all for the responses.  I apologize again for the size of that post, didn't mean to write a book lol. 


I wish I could use her family to help me but they wouldn't.  They're using the neglect card on her, even if it's true, to get something from her for themselves.  They have no intentions of following through with anything.  It's funny, they always want me to go talk to them but if I mention bringing one of my friends or family it's a no go.  Or if I say I'm working but I will call it's a no. 


I do keep records of our texts and she has agreed to let me go to the doctor's appointments.   She doesn't want me to, though, because she says it's pointless since we're not together.  And asks why I even care about something that's not even around yet.  I tell her every day I will go to appointments and help her with anything she needs only to find out she tells people I don't talk to her and that it doesn't seem like I care she's pregnant. 


As for the cheating it's touchy.  I really don't know and I wouldn't want to accuse someone of something if I don't have solid facts.  She's currently accusing me of seeing someone which is something I really wouldn't do.  All I have is that she was late from work a lot (around the time she conceived) but with the job she had it's common to be asked to stay later.  Then her telling me she refused to let me meet the first father alone because he would use specific dates and times and she needed to hear everything we said to each other.  However I will do a DNA test just to be sure. 


As for the mental illness, yes she does have one.  I'm not entirely sure but it had something to do with personality disorder.  Which is why I don't want her alone.  Honest truth I want her around her family because I'm afraid of what she would do alone.  I'm not telling her or them that, though, because they would just ignore me. 


The legal issues I am reading up on and will take all of your advice.  Thank you.  It just sucks right now because she's begging me to take her back yet the last time we argued this much I did and she ended up being worse than she was before.

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