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#1 of 14 Old 04-13-2013, 12:48 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Ex has just whipped an object in my direction from not 2 metres away from me in a fit of rage to scare me.

It's been almost 30 minutes and I'm already talking myself out of going to the court on Monday to file for custody and be done with spending ANY time together because of the kids. We do have separate homes. I'm waiting for DS to wake up and then we're going home.

He also threatened to have me taken care of. I've already talked myself out of filing a report with the police.

He has now made several attempts to converse with me about why he did what he did and how sorry he is.
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#2 of 14 Old 04-13-2013, 01:36 PM
 
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I am so sorry it is so hostile. I am glad you have your own place. Is it possible to start doing change overs with the kids in a public place? This just sounds like a terrible position to be in... to even be thinking about how to handle this.

If this is repeating behavior (sorry I don't know your whole story) would it be worth reporting it to the police so it it's documented?

Hope you get some time to destress later.
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#3 of 14 Old 04-13-2013, 01:45 PM
 
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((hugs)) I think it's time that you talk yourself INTO filing for custody and to start doing exchanges only in public places (like the park) and to stop spending any time with each other.  There is no reason why you have to co-parent from the same location at any time, except maybe a joint birthday party for the kids.


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#4 of 14 Old 04-13-2013, 01:48 PM
 
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Yikes! You are not in an ok situation at all. Seriously, you need to cut off contact. A restraining order would be good. A call to the police if he ever throws anything in your direction. Can you use your phone to record any instances of contact? But really, you need to not have contact. You will feel soooooo much stronger and clearer. Each time you see him you are being sent straight back to square one. I so know what it's like. It's impossible to move forward or to be strong. Are you seeing a counsellor/therapist? Do you have close friends/family near you? It IS perfectly acceptable to demand that you exchange kids in a public place or with a friend/family. I know it likely seems like a ridiculously drastic step to take, but it's not. It is very common. Very common and 'normal' because it is so common. It is perfectly acceptable. Use text or even better email only to communicate.... again, perfectly acceptable and 'normal'.

 

File for custody. Do it. Again - perfectly acceptable and 'normal'. I know it all feels so insanely drastic and over the top, but it's not at all. It's just part of this process. The hardest part is over - the actual separation. Now you follow the steps. Get support around you. Get as much support around you as you possibly can. YOu need people to be with you and encourage you.

 

YOu can do this! It is very very very clearly what's best for your child.... and you.

 

Keep posting.... you need support. I'm here, supporting you. 

 

xo

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#5 of 14 Old 04-13-2013, 08:50 PM
 
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I totally agree you shouldn't feel you have to be in his company to do child exchange. Do you have any kind of agreement in place for who does the traveling? Or are you working it all out around your child's routine? If you have to wait around, then wait in your car or outside of the house? You don't have to be somewhere like a park or police station, you just have to not be in the house with your ex. I really do not think going to get a restraining order will help you at this point. Emotions are obviously high, and getting a restraining order will just add to the stress and conflict. It really is better to try and smooth these situations out so you can go on to having a good successful co parenting relationship, once all the angst of separation and divorce are over and done with. Just don't put yourself in situations that could end badly.  

 

BUT

 

If you have been in an abusive relationship then nothing I have written above applies. Get your ass to court for a restraining order!!! And do not go into his house again!!! 

 

 

Hugs, I hope the situation improves!

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#6 of 14 Old 04-14-2013, 07:11 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I've been sitting on all of your words for a couple of days. As time goes on - even 30 minutes - and as the situation diffuses, I feel like I'M the one who is making drastic decisions and almost over reacting. I KNOW that is not the case, but that's how I feel.

The violence, the physical abuse ( throwing the object in my direction was meant to scare me but didn't hurt me) has occurred on about 5 occasions over a 5 year period. I know, 5 too many.

I will file for custody. It's normal! Thank you lilgreen. And I will not spend time in his home anymore and vice versa. It's going to drastically reduce his time with DD who is a baby and we're both going to have to adjust to a new normal for us.

Ex shows remorse but he's not shown that he's seeking help for his abusive nature. So I need NEED to show him that his actions are unacceptable and there are no more chances.

Thank you all for the support and your kind words... I teared up reading your replies. It feels so good to know I can come here and be heard.
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#7 of 14 Old 04-17-2013, 12:09 PM
 
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How are you? I've been thinking of you.

 

He may be remorseful but unless he gets help, he hasn't really understood what he has done. He is likely more remorseful about the resulting consequences and how they affect him - and not simply that he has hurt you. In this way, his remorse is very sincere.

 

Know your truth. Stay focused and try to notice when his reactions/minimization affects your strength and your doubts... that way you ca better isolate the affect from your truth. WAAAAAYYY easier said than done. I know eyesroll.gif

 

xo

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#8 of 14 Old 04-18-2013, 07:30 PM - Thread Starter
 
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lilgreen, yes, yes, yes

 

I have been on this ride long enough to know the expression of remorse won't last long and the next round of why I suck will begin again.

 

We have our good moments but there is nothing to show me that this is a man who is willing to do what needs to be done to move forward with me. So I plan to move forward on my own, with our kids. TBH, I am mostly excited about the prospect of life without him. There are times when I wish things were different... but things would have to be SO different he'd be another man. So I don't wallow in those thoughts too long. 

 

No moves yet on court but I'm taking things a day at a time. 

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#9 of 14 Old 04-22-2013, 12:18 PM
 
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Originally Posted by thispathisme View Post

I've been sitting on all of your words for a couple of days. As time goes on - even 30 minutes - and as the situation diffuses, I feel like I'M the one who is making drastic decisions and almost over reacting. I KNOW that is not the case, but that's how I feel.

That's all part of the crazymaking that abuse causes.  Depending on how long you were together, he may have tried to minimize and deny your concerns and needs.  It's a journey to trust yourself and your own instincts again.  I echo the no contact advice....it's no contact that helps to clear the mind.  

 

Throwing things in your direction, especially in the presence of the children is abuse.  And behaving abusively towards a child's mother, in the presence of his kids, is considered a form of child abuse. I don't know your local laws and culture of law enforcement around DV issues to know whether it is worth making a police report and getting a restraining order; however I would strongly consider going to the police and asking for one.  Yes, it could escalate things; however when you look back you will be glad you had the courage to take that step.  If abuse comes up in custody issues, then you might be asked why you did not ask for a restraining order at the time and you may be questioned on why you continued to allow him in your home and potentially expose the children to violence.  It could affect your credibility.  I know it's never that simple and I know how hard it is to try to set boundaries after they have already been crossed.  But now is the time to clearly define your boundaries and stick with enforcing them, even if you have that niggling feeling that it's overreacting.  It's not.  And from a court perspective, your boundaries have more credibility when you enforced them (ie. after getting a restraining order, you made certain to do exchanges in public places, etc.).   Speaking from experience, the longer the wait to act (e.g restraining order or other forms of boundary setting) the harder it can become to do so.

 

Sorry I just saw your post now.  Just wanted to try to offer some gentle encouragement that it's okay to go after what you know and feel to be right.  How are you doing?

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#10 of 14 Old 04-22-2013, 01:43 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Things are very confusing. We can still laugh together, I mean a genuine, hearty laugh. But, I cannot imagine living with the man I know today. I don't look forward to my future and see him in it.

He has too many issues that he's not sealing with, only talking about. And it only takes a few minutes in to any conversation for me to see that he is not someone I can work things out with. He can look me in the eye and tell me how badly he wants us to be a family and 5 minutes later utter a death threat. Regardless, I still feel like I have some control over the situation and I have several plans in my mind to do this if that happens and so on.

Thanks for checking in. I know what I need to do, it's just getting there that's taking some time.
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#11 of 14 Old 04-22-2013, 06:30 PM
 
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 He can look me in the eye and tell me how badly he wants us to be a family and 5 minutes later utter a death threat. Regardless, I still feel like I have some control over the situation and I have several plans in my mind to do this if that happens and so on.

 I know what I need to do, it's just getting there that's taking some time.

Hugs.  It's so hard dealing with the conflicting emotions.   The man who abused me can be a great guy, very nice to other people....and if he were being nice to me again, I think I would be so easily wooed back in, although I feel much more certain as time goes on that he is incapable of change and insight.  Intermittent reinforcement (being nice and then not nice) works well in animal studies and abusive relationships alike (and explains why I stayed as long as I did and had trouble accepting the risk when it was so apparent to others looking in).

 

Please do consider involving the authorities and have a safety plan.  I don't know if you have accessed domestic violence supports already, but that would be a great, safe, place to start. Uttering a death threat is very serious and is a criminal offence.   Even if it's just smoke and mirrors, the very act of saying something like that indicates something is seriously wrong with him that he would resort to that type of destructive control tactic.  If he's all talk, then informing him that you can and will phone the police when/if he pulls a stunt like that again may help him back off and behave better. If you are afraid of saying that to him, then that's an indication that outside help is needed.  I was too afraid to tell that to my X - I thought it would anger him.  Trust your instincts.  If he's serious in his threats (and I would take them seriously), then I feel it's important to get some protection orders in place and have your history on file.  

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#12 of 14 Old 04-23-2013, 02:46 PM
 
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Just read this and thought of you:

http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/after-the-breakup-hold-tight-to-your-self-respect-and-stop-trying-to-be-friends-with-the-ex-that-mistreated-you/

 

It's not entirely fitting, but you might find some parts resonate. This site is good, btw.

 

ETA: This one is really good, too, and may be relevant for you: http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/what-keeps-you-up-a-night-pondering-whether-theyre-a-better-person-in-a-better-relationship-without-you/

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#13 of 14 Old 04-24-2013, 01:08 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I've verbally warned him that his chances are up. I don't know why I need him to really mess up or be really clear on knowing that this consequence will happen if he does that action/says those things to me again. I guess I don't want to seem like the bad guy in all this. Which leads me to the links lilgreen sent me. I could relate to some of what was written but not all.

Thankfully, I have no desire to be friends. I'm also almost positive that I don't ever want to work things out again. There is that nagging feeling of what if he does change, don't I want to be a family, am I making the right decision?

I do suffer from wanting to show and be viewed as having tried as hard as I could to keep the status quo, keep everyone happy. But I can't. And I haven't. And there is a little of geez I worked so hard to get him to be decent and now he'll end up treating someone else better. But I know that's not true either. They'll have a honeymoon phase and it won't be long before the demons are let loose. I hope I'm wrong about that.

I've read others post about how long they were on MDC getting support from others and waiting so long to finally make a break and then being SO relieved and happy once they did. And I wish I was there! In good time I know I will be. I have a very low BS limit now which leads to more arguments. And I'm not going to let my kids get much older to witness and learn and remember the animosity between us.
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#14 of 14 Old 04-24-2013, 01:14 PM
 
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So much of what you wrote is exactly how I felt. Feel free to do a search for my old posts. This is the (super long) thread where I worked through the process of finally ending it once and for all: http://www.mothering.com/community/t/1354319/need-help-with-impending-confrontation-update-742 

 

You're so not alone. I knew for over a decade I needed to end my marriage.

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