It's been quite a while since I've posted here, and with all the reformatting of this site, I'm not sure this is even the appropriate category.
I left the ex in August after I discovered he was cheating on me... again.
Since then I've been on a roller coaster of emotions, some days soaring high, and other days I feel like I'm at the bottom of the deepest, darkest pit, and I can't get out.
I'm so lonely and so resentful towards him for his actions. We had been trying to get pregnant with #2 at the time I discovered he was cheating. In the emails to the other woman, he asked if they could have sex without a condom - clearly no regard for mine (or our possible baby's) health and safety.
He is a despicable, disgusting man, and I am so glad that I left him.
There is no point to this post other than to re-connect with the wonderful people on here. I feel so alone. Being a single parent is so hard. Some days I just want to crawl into a hole and hide there forever. Other days I want to run around shouting because I'm excited for life and for the promise of the future.
Today I feel like hiding.
Walking through the halls at work today, and there was a woman with a newborn, and it just reminded me of everything I thought I would have by now, and how resentful I am towards him for depriving me - and our family - of our future together.
I don't know how to trust again - I don't know how to begin thinking of trusting again.
I don't know how to ever fall in love again, and at times I doubt that anyone will ever love me, and that I will ever find someone that I can love. I feel like at this point in my life, I don't want to start over and go through all that "baby stuff" again. I don't want to devote another 18 years of my life to another child. I would have done it with him, but now I just feel so broken, and like I've lost the opportunity to ever go back to that place.
How do you all do this? How do you go on, day by day? How do you find hope?
Thanks for listening.
You are strong, you will love again, even if it takes an irksome amount of time, someone wonderful will love you and earn your trust. There are some great people out there. Just be wary if you start to fall for the same type again.
You are a mom already...it's hard being totally turned upside down and not having the life you expected/ desired. Being a single mom of two is harder than a single mom of one.
I'm trying to turn my loneliness into something creative, ha, we'll see where that goes.
This is the most painful horrible process I could ever imagine... although I could never have imagined just how painful it would be before ending my marriage. I had no idea. And I had been dreaming of it, planning it, hoping for it for over a decade. Yours was so sudden. You're right - he is vile and soulless.
I just want to send you hugs and let you know that it has taken me to this month to begin to feel like i might be moving toward healing rather than just moment-to-moment coping. It's a long hard process. I hope you have yourself a really good therapist. Mine is making all the difference.
ETA: I have spilled my guts and poured my soul out on here. There have been so many times when, even though I have a great IRL support network, I can't imagine how I could have survived without the support of women on MDC. Reach out. It's ok. We're here.
It honestly just takes time, and I know that sounds like such a sucky answer but it's the only way. After 18 months I was ready to start dating again and I met a wonderful, honest, reliable, hardworking man and we've been together for just over two years now.
Seriously, just take it one day at a time and soon you'll find that there are more good days than bad and then after that there will be mostly good days.
You will be ready to trust and love again one day. Until then, work on you and work on making yourself happy. Remember to take time for yourself. You can't be a good mother if you're not looking after you. Exercise, join groups, take up hobbies, have long baths, go out for coffee with friends.
Hugs. And be gentle with yourself. It's a traumatic experience to be betrayed, and it's okay to take time for yourself to heal and learn. You are grieving so much - the loss of happily-ever-after, the baby you haven't had again. And don't be surprised if you feel at times like you have betrayed yourself, and just remember all we can do is the best we can with what we know at the time.
Time and healing can give clarity. You may look back and see that there were red flags that you ignored (which happens because we want to trust and give people the benefit of the doubt). Probably the biggest development for me is learning how I let my boundaries be crossed so often, and trying to focus on learning how to be stronger in myself so that I can trust in myself again, before thinking about learning to trust others.
I'm so sorry to hear about what you're facing right now. Parenting is a huge job, and doing it alone is so much more difficult. I pray you will find support both here and locally to help you. If you feel it would be helpful, you may wish to search for a Mothers of Preschooler's group to encourage you as well. There's a "find a group" link here: http://bit.ly/100rx6s