XH alcohol abuse getting worse - need advice! - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 11 Old 04-29-2013, 07:14 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I was speaking via FB to my xh's roommate last night.  He asked my x to move out this week because his drinking is so out of control and he's worried about my kids when they are with him.

 

Apparently, yesterday xh woke up drunk and then 30 min later the kids were with him and he DROVE THEM 20 MINUTES AWAY.  His license is expired, he has no insurance on the car and thus the registration has been pulled.  When they returned to the house he "passed out for more than half the day" while the kids sat in front of the tv.  He sneaks drinks while they are with him.  So now he is moving out and will be living alone - I can't imagine that things are going to get any better.

 

I have contacted my lawyer and sent her the transcript of our chat.  Obviously I need to get sole custody of the kids until/unless he can get the drinking under control.  My question is - do I contact CPS in the meantime?  The police dept?  I know how long it can take to process things through the legal system and I just can't have them with him unsupervised while I wait for the courts.

 

I feel like I'm going crazy.   


In the end, only three things matter: how much you loved, how gently you lived, and how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you." Buddha

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#2 of 11 Old 04-29-2013, 09:29 AM
 
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I would ask the roommate to call CPS. And to call the police immediately if he heads out in the car with a leg full of liquor again. That's an immediate witness, not just an ex with 2nd hand information.
 

That is not vindictive. That is protecting the general public.

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#3 of 11 Old 04-29-2013, 03:28 PM
 
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Originally Posted by sparklefairy View Post

I would ask the roommate to call CPS. And to call the police immediately if he heads out in the car with a leg full of liquor again. That's an immediate witness, not just an ex with 2nd hand information.
 

That is not vindictive. That is protecting the general public.

Yes! Take care of your babies. I grew up with an alcoholic mom and the effects of being the child to an alcoholic are bad enough when there aren't any real safety concerns, but this is a whole other level because you are not there to step in. Take care of them, mama!

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#4 of 11 Old 04-30-2013, 09:02 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Well, I've contacted my lawyer, but other than her telling me to call the cops if he insists on keeping them if he's drunk she hasn't been very helpful as of yet. I emailed my xh's family telling them what was going on and I'm hoping his dad or maybe his sister will come down and get him.

 

I'm so frustrated.  I can't legally keep the kids from him until the parenting arrangement is changed, but he's moving to a low income apartment complex about a 15 min drive away (he had been living 3 house up the street from me, so the kids would just come home if he passed out or whatever).  I've asked his roommate to call CPS, and he said he'd think about it.

 

Ugh...


In the end, only three things matter: how much you loved, how gently you lived, and how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you." Buddha

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#5 of 11 Old 04-30-2013, 09:55 AM
 
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Would his roommate cooperate with an investigation if you made the call?

 

You certainly can do that. I just mentioned the roommate doing it because I think it's more likely to be investigated that way.
 

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#6 of 11 Old 04-30-2013, 10:19 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I think he would.  He's a good guy and he knows and cares for my kids.
 

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In the end, only three things matter: how much you loved, how gently you lived, and how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you." Buddha

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#7 of 11 Old 05-07-2013, 09:38 AM
 
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I think he would.  He's a good guy and he knows and cares for my kids.
 

I hope he will do it.  I hope you can find a way to get him to do this.  It's huge having a witness - give you so much more credibility.  You want to do what you can to keep this guy on your side.   Keeping fingers crossed for you.  If he doesn't do it, then I would call CPS myself (and show them the transcript).  The more people in official positions you have siding with you, and the more documented the better.  However, I don't know your CPS and how they work - here I would be comfortable making that call.  Are there people you can speak to who understand the system?  DV shelters?

 

My situation was not nearly as bad.  But when our CPS was involved (domestic assault and drinking at home when alone with the kids) the social worker investigating told me that it is my responsibility to ensure my kids are safe when with him.  so we engineered visits to be safer, when he'd be less likely to drink.  

 

Your X put your kids in great danger by driving them while impaired.  The number one cause of accidental death in children is car accidents.  I would not let him be alone with the kids anymore.  He should not be drinking at all when they are with him.  

 

And you're in an awkward position where if you allow visits when he drinks to happen, it can reflect poorly on you (or even worse, what if something happens and you regret not having done more?).  Yet, catch 22, you don't have a legally different custody arrangement yet to back you up.  There has been a material change in circumstances (his drinking is more problematic and he is now moving further away where he can't be watched and where he may need to drive).  Here that would be grounds for applying to change the custody arrangements.  I think your lawyer needs a head shaking to get off his/her butt and get you an urgent application for sole custody and supervised visitation. 

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#8 of 11 Old 06-09-2013, 04:29 AM
 
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Hi im new to this just needed someone to talk to, my partner of 10 years is an alcoholic I have come to this conclusion after countless hours of research of alcoholism. All the story's are the same they drink all day verbally and sometimes physically hurt loved ones have no compassion, remorse or a willing to admit they have a problem. My partner drinks from the moment he wakes until he passes out its not only embrasing its extreme anxiety to have my family around because of his behavior let alone go some where. The other weekend he smashed up our hotel room grabbed me by the throat and to top it off head butted me in the face. All because he said my sister's boyfriend looked at him funny, we lose friends because its always everyone else fault. This time my sister will never visit me again as he is too unpredictable. I love him when his sober and i think i hold on to the person he once was, but he causes soooo much tension I want to leave I feel if I try he might attack me and the thought of him having our kids for weekends when I'm not there to protect them makes it a hard decision.
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#9 of 11 Old 06-09-2013, 10:29 AM
 
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Nomore the attack you are describing deserves a call to the police. That is not okay but I know sometimes we just deal with these things and don't realize how bad things really are.

Once his violence is on the record it will be much easier to get supervised visits only I would think. Someone like that just can't be around the kids alone. I am so sorry this is happening to you. You have to get things reported though asap for the sake of the kids.
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#10 of 11 Old 06-09-2013, 10:52 AM
 
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Dear nomore ~ I am heartbroken for you and your children. I know a bit about what it's like to be in the middle of family violence and not really knowing where or when or how to draw the line. I know many women who have escaped dangerous and scary situations like yours. And they/we all have benefitted from making a first phone call to our local domestic violence shelters. Making that first call is sooooo scary, but they will never judge you or pressure you or boss you around. They will listen with compassion and help you find your way. They often offer free counselling to women who are struggling in difficult relationships. A shelter is not just a place for women (and her children) to escape to, it's a resource centre for women (and her children) who may still be living at home with their violent partners, wondering if/when/how to leave. That's the best bit of advice I can give you. 

 

You do NOT deserve to be treated like this. And your kids do NOT deserve to be exposed to this. Please keep posting with questions, fears, etc. Sometimes you just need a place to talk about somethings that are happening. We will listen with compassion. 

 

Please take care.

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#11 of 11 Old 06-11-2013, 04:21 AM
 
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Thank you for your kind words and help! Because my partner works shifts I haven't seen him since this incident he is due home tomorrow. I have received messages from him saying sorry BUT there is always an excuse that follows, the blame is always mine some how I started it or got in the way. I really don't understand a alcoholics way of thinking! I know tomorrow he will come home drunk and try and justify what he did, makes me sick. I have spoken to my family and I think enough is enough I will let you know if I follow through.
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