I am a SAHM to 3 kids: 10 yr old DD and 3 yr old twins. I work part time from home, but make very little. Basically grocery money. I spend most of my time taking care of kids and the house. I did 95 percent of the child care... The only time my STBX did anything with them was when I had a PTO or Scout meeting with my oldest DD.
He filed for a divorce immediately, which shocked me. Our marriage was not perfect, but whose is? I checked in with him often... In the months before he left he did have stress, worked at home at night a lot and fell asleep on the couch a lot. He blamed everything on work stress. Then a week before he left, his coworker hung himself and he took it hard. He left the day of the memorial service for the suicide guy. He said i had to see it coming but I didnt because he always said he was fine, that it was work. He said he did not want this life and that he was afraid he'd end up like the dead guy. Yay for me... Didn't know I was so horrible to live with, considering he never had to do much around the house and he napped, played golf and watched sports whenever he wanted. I even made his lunch and coffee every morning and often started his car in the winter.
In hindsight, of course, there are many issues, but he was never honest with me. He does not want counseling. He gives me money to pay the bills and comes to see the kid 3x per week for a few hours. He has taken the oldest out a few times.
My question is this: how do you get over the vision you had for your life? I know I will need to work more and that's sad for me: I love taking care of my kids and home all the time. My STBX also wants to take the kids away on vacation and I am having a hard time with the idea of my 3 yr old twins going, as they have never been away from me and my DS is especially attached to me. They don't get what us going on, they are in the middle of potty training and then there is my worry about them with him at the beach. They are a handful. And he has never taken them anywhere alone ever. My oldest would be OK, although I would miss her terribly. I think having to hand over my kids for visits will be the worst, but he has not asked for much of that yet.
I need some words of encouragement. The past 3 months have been so hard on my now-smaller family. I know it will get better but it's so hard to see the light right now.
Do you have a lawyer? Are you getting state mandated child support? What is happening with your jointly-held assets? Can anyone help you pay for a lawyer?
If you do not think he can take care of your twins on a beach vacation, do not allow him to take them. You are not divorced yet, you don't have a child custody agreement in place, and you aren't required to do anything that worries you. If you think he can handle it and it will just be hard for him, let them go.
Draw on your inner reserves. You have them. I have faith in you.
Divorced mom of one awesome boy born 2-3-2003.
I'm so sorry, words are not enough for the pain you must be experiencing. I understand what it feels like to be punched in the face out of no where, I'm so sorry.
There are ministries that I have heard of through churches that will support women who want to stay home but cannot due to divorce, finances, etc. There are in addition ministries that focus on this in the context of home schooling in particular. I would google for some in your area.
I do not know if you are a follower of Christ or not, but our church reaches out with marriage counseling for the general public for free, we really just want to be the hands and feet of Christ for our community by loving on our neighbors. You might ask around for a church that will love you and your kids during this tough time without strings attached like my church does.
I would counsel you to keep talking to your husband about the children, specifically about your fears of them going away alone with him. I would try to be unemotional as possible on purpose, b/c it's super important that the children have a safe, stable environment as possible, and that will take work on both of your parts; emotions will cause even more upheaval in their worlds.
I would definitely get your children counseling, it's important for them to speak about their fears in a supportive environment. Even someone in your family that could take them out one-on-one to listen to their concerns and fears. The best counseling IMO is family counseling, where the same person talks to each of you one-on-one, then together as a family. I know this is super expensive, that's why I thought about the churches in your area.
If you need to talk further I'm an excellent listener. :)
I'll also add you guys to our nightly family prayer list.
God bless you, I hope your situation and peace of mind improves.
This sounds very close to what my ExHusband did to me 3 years ago- one night he was telling me he loved me and kissing my head and tucking me into bed early 'cause I had a major migraine, the very next night he was telling me he doesn't love me anymore, doesn't want to be married anymore, and wants me to move out right after New Year's (on the pretense that we'd "give the kids one last good Christmas"). There was no marriage counceling- we went to two sessions, but I could tell he was humoring me so that he could claim he put an honest effort into it. I died inside. How do you get over the vision you had for your life? Start by one minute at a time, work up to one hour at a time, one day at a time, one week, one month, etc. It will get better, it will be okay. Your life will never be the same again, but that doesn't mean that you won't be happy again, that you won't have new dreams, new visions for your life. You will be okay, your children will be okay. If you need someone to talk to, PM me.
Best of luck.
So sorry. I can relate to your situation. Still trying to figure out how to deal with having a broken family. Three years ago my world was turned upside down. At the time I was married for 14 years, was a SAHM to my three kiddos, was thankful and happy. My ex woke up one morning and said he wasn't happy, didn't want to be a husband or a father any more, ...it was completely out of the blue. Found out he was having an affair, and there had been others, had been addicted to porn for years. He said he just wasn't connected to me any more. That he had disconnected when I was pregnant with our first born. ( I was extremely sick with nausea and couldn't function...apparently he said he didn't know what to do with me. In sickness and in health, right?) He kept how he felt to himself. I had no idea. He is a very good liar...basically faked our entire marriage. Anyway, we divorced and he now lives with his girlfriend an hour away. And now he wants to play house with her and have my kids live with him. Legally we co-parent but he is clueless. He doesn't really know or understand the kids. My oldest daughter (14) is very angry and doesn't want to even see her dad. The younger two (ages 9 and 11) are still confused but are trying to get along with their dad. And he acts like he hasn't done anything wrong. He said that me and the kids should "just get over it". The betrayal and rejection almost destroyed me. I only got through it because of my faith and the wonderful friends that God placed in my life. It has gotten easier but I still grieve my broken family and future hopes and dreams that will never be. I've learned to forgive but it's a conscious choice that I have to make every day. Anyway, hang in there. Take one moment at a time. And get a good lawyer! :)
Blessings to you!
Yes, get a good lawyer, even if you don't think you need one, even if you "know" your soon-to-be-ex-husband will play fair, because if he's that intent on "having his own life", whether or not he means to actually hurt you and your children, he will not get in the way of him getting his own life. I did not have a lawyer for my divorce. I wasn't just naiive- I was straight out stupid. He promised I'd still stay a big part of my stepdaughter's life- I have not seen or heard from her in two years. He promised to help raise my son, the child he raised as his own for 9 years, financially as well as being there physically and emotionally. He left us with no income, no place to go, no medical insurance for my son. We haven't heard from him in two years, as well. In fact, literally the moment the divorce papers were filed with everything he wanted on them (I'd told him he can have everything he wants as long as I wouldn't lose my stepdaughter, my son wouldn't lose his Dad and stepsister), he completely cut off contact, and when I pushed for contact between the children, he told me if I contacted him, my stepdaughter, any former in-laws of friends, he'd tell my stepdaughter and email my son "what I really did to make him divorce me" and then he started spewing crap about me cheating on him and mentally abusing him and similar bull. And I trusted him with my life. NEVER trust someone who's divorcing you. Get the best lawyer you can and fight for everything you deserve. You don't have to make it nasty, but if you want if fair, you need to fight for it.
. My STBX also wants to take the kids away on vacation and I am having a hard time with the idea of my 3 yr old twins going, as they have never been away from me and my DS is especially attached to me. They don't get what us going on, they are in the middle of potty training and then there is my worry about them with him at the beach. They are a handful. And he has never taken them anywhere alone ever. My oldest would be OK, although I would miss her terribly. I think having to hand over my kids for visits will be the worst, but he has not asked for much of that yet.
First, sorry you are dealing with this. I hope the forum can offer support.
I personally wouldn't say yes to the beach vacation - too much too soon for them. maybe there is a way to ease into it, e.g. take them to a local beach with you, then leave them with him for an hour or so, so he can see how you supervise them and get a sense of what the reality of it is like?
How do you get over the vision you had for your life? Start by one minute at a time, work up to one hour at a time, one day at a time, one week, one month, etc. It will get better, it will be okay. Your life will never be the same again, but that doesn't mean that you won't be happy again, that you won't have new dreams, new visions for your life. You will be okay, your children will be okay.
Absolutely. It's painful. It's stressful. But very slowly it becomes the new "normal" in your life and you start to realize that it doesn't hurt so much anymore. One day you'll smile again, maybe laugh a little, and then before you know it you are taking stock of the day before bed and realizing it isn't quite so bad and you had a great day. You'll learn to make future plans instead of living minute to minute just white-knuckling life. But it takes a while.